Is it ok to tell teenage skids to stop talking about BM?
My SD17 has been really obnoxious the past few weekends. She gets almost hysterically angry if my DH tries to talk to her (but then she has always been prone to freaking out).
For the most part we are ignoring her or pulling her up on anything too offensive. She seems to be incredibly jealous/angry with her younger sister at the moment too.
But last weekend, in addition to being an anti-christ, she talked non-stop about BM, events at BM’s home, people we don’t know, etc. Every conversation we had was turned to ‘BM does this’ or ‘BM says that’. Now she used to do this when she was 9/10 but grew out of it, God knows why it’s come up again but even my DH got p*ssed off listening to her.
DH wondered if it’s ok to just nip it in the bud next weekend (if she starts again). We’ve never said anything before. At this age, I think it’s fine to tell her – listen we are not really interested in what your mother does or says or what goes on in her house, that’s her business. But DH is afraid she will throw another strop. Would you tell her to quit talking about her BM’s business?
Well this could be something
Well this could be something or not..usually when my SD9 is talking about BM it's because there is something going on in her BM's home thats really bothering her and her BM has forbidden her to tell her dad and I. So I have to figure out what in the world is going on..sometimes she comes straight out and tells me other times I just have to figure it out.. At times it's been severe and her dad has had to intervene and other times it's nothing life altering but it's bothering my SD and once she gets it off her chest she feels better..
Depends what kind of kid you are dealing with with... Z
@StepAside...LOL..excellent
@StepAside...LOL..excellent idea.... Z
That's tough and for me it
That's tough and for me it would depend on why she was doing it. Is she doing it to annoy you? Is she speaking disrespectfully of BM? Is she just chattering? Is she upset about what is going on?
If she is tryign to be annoying - I'd say you really don't care about BM's whereabouts, etc...
If she is being disrespectful - I would tell her she cannot speak about her mother that way.
If she is just chattering - I wouldn't pay much attention but give one word answers to acknowledge her - she'll get bored.
If she is upset - I would just listen. Everyone needs a shoulder now and then.
I don't think it is
I don't think it is appropriate to tell skids to stop talking about their BM. I deal with the same thing with my SSs and I just smile and say oh that's nice. And that is it. But I am dealing with boys which I think is probably easier than girls
I don't know how it goes for
I don't know how it goes for a 17 year old but i know for a 6 year old (my SD). If SD mentions something she did at her mom's house (like a short comment) we say something like "oh, i see.." or whatever, but if she is extensively talking about something she did with them or over there, we let her know we don't really need to know about the details. and if she is just talking ABOUT her mom, like oh, "my mom buys this juice too" DH is the first one telling SD that whatever BM does, buys, says or thinks he doesn't want to hear about.
We just completely ignore all
We just completely ignore all BM comments. Don't even acknowledge them. When the kids realize they don't get a reaction out of us, they stop. Its the samecas getting a baby to go back to sleep. You pretend to not notice them, they think you are boring, they go back to sleep.
I don't think DH or I would
I don't think DH or I would tell my SKids to stop talking about BM, because we don't want to convey obvious negativity or hostility towards BM to the children, and be responsible for any kind of alientation. In principal we want them to feel comfortable talking about both parents. We try to take the moral high ground on this one, because BM does not seem to have had any problems conveying negativity about me in the past, as the SKids are well aware that their mother dislikes and resents me. Fortunately they have formed their own opinions about me based on my actions rather than their mother's words. I think if you rise to it and try to suppress their comments they are also more likely to see they have pressed a button, and it's not good to give them that control.
Having said that, I do not enjoy hearing about BM's antics, especially when the SKids are laughing about her drunken, irresponsible behaviour as if she is the cool, fun, party mum. Only last weekend I went with SD14 to see SD19 dancing in a college show, and afterwards they were laughing about the time she told them dinner was in the oven and they opened the oven and there were 2 empty wine bottles in a baking tray. This kind of story leaves me cold, particularly given that SD19 and SD14 have both complained about their mother's drinking before, and it was a key factor in SD14 moving in with us. Really all I can do is grin and bear it, and if it goes on too long, move away or show loss of interest in some other way.
As to what the BM stories mean - for us I think they're an indicator of whether BM's star is currently rising or falling with the SKids. It may be that your SD is suddenly having a burst of infatuation with her mother, or that she is feeling insecure or threatened in some way and is trying to use her mother as a weapon, or that she is acting out and trying to get a rise out of you. You say that she is jealous of her sister? Perhaps she feels her sister is getting more time/attention/approval from DH and you and so is trying to do a 'talk to the hand, I've got my great Mum anyway' thing and make you jealous. Either way I think it is a mistake to give her the satisfaction of knowing you are bothered about the BM talk, but you could get DH to try and find out the underlying reason why she is so cross.
My skids were NEVER allowed
My skids were NEVER allowed to talk about BM in my house from the beginning. They never had a problem with it.
I find this hard to believe
I find this hard to believe that they did not have a problem with not being able to talk about their mother - did they also not have a problem when you ripped up BM's picture repeatedly?!?!?!??!
OK so let me get this
OK so let me get this straight, just because I don't let my step kids talk about their mom in my house you think I'm someone else that ripped up pictures? You guys have some nerve. I don't know why you think I'm not who I am. Ive giving you no reason to think that way. Honestly I don't know how the kids feel about not talking about their mom, but i am happy that they don't bring her up. I don't like to hear about her in my house. I don't think there is nothing wrong in that its not like I'm PASing.
Thanks for the comments. When
Thanks for the comments. When she was younger, we never made a big deal of how much she talked about BM around us but maybe she picked up on the fact that we didn't want to know.
Now that I think about it, I'm wondering if she is mad at all of us - her sister is having a few problems at the moment and of neccessity is getting more attention than usual (not that we are ignoring SD17). DH had to pull her up at least once on disrespecting her mom, she was bitchy about her sister and if she knows we don't want to hear BM's business - then 48 hours of non-stop BM comments was a perfectly irritating way to get back at us.
Sigh. Maybe ground up valium in her food? Or even better... in mine!
She is 17 she knows what she
She is 17 she knows what she is doing she is being a little bitch - just tell her if she wants to talk about her BM then she needs to go in her room and talk to the wall because it is more interested in your BM than you two are - if she was little one thing but this was just to be nasty - tell her bye bye go in your room and call someone who gives a shit about BM - hey just call BM and talk to her about her she would love that - lol }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:)
I would agree with some other
I would agree with some other posters that at 17 i'm sure she is more than capable of understanding what effect she has by talking about BM.
DH's daughter used to bring up BM a lot, now she does just once in a while. DH and I usually have the same response every time "oh, i see..." and that's it. She stops on her own when she sees we don't pry for any more info.
Sometimes some of the
Sometimes some of the information divulged is priceless - my skids rarely talk about BM and never in a good way because even they realize how toxic she is to anyone who comes in contact with her. Anyway, SD19 was in the car with us a couple of nights ago, we were going to dinner for DH's birthday. Out of the blue she pops up with "you'll never believe what Mom did!" and told us BM had been arrested & hauled off to the county jail for shoplifting a camera! I about fell out of the car laughing! }:)
yea, but we really don't need
yea, but we really don't need or want to know sms business. that's her life. this is our life. a little is fine, play nice, but enough is enough and she could be just pissing you off on purpuse being a brat.
I can't relate on your level.
I can't relate on your level. Your SD is much older than my SD3.
But I know what you mean.. it being irritating.
SD3 says things like "Oh, that shirt's like Momma's!" or, "Wow! Momma has glasses like that at her house!". I usually respond with something like "Oh really? It IS a pretty shirt, isn't it?" or, "Oh, Momma has something like this at her house? That's neat!"
What I really want to say? "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MOMMA OR ANYTHING THAT SHE HAS AT HER HOUSE!!!"
Or maybe.. "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER! THEY ARE NOT RELATED TO DH, THEREFORE THEY HAVE NO PLACE IN MY LIFE! I DON'T CARE!!!"
But, I would NEVER say that to their face. Or out loud where they could possibly hear me, period. Sometimes if I'm having a bad day & they say something about BM, I just say "Oh, OK".
In your case.. I'm not sure about telling SD that you don't care to hear about BM. I'm not saying that I would or wouldn't, but my skids are 13 years younger and wouldn't be able to tell if it got under my skin. I can just relate to the fact that it IS quite irritating.