i'll never be right
I've been with my DH for 7 years married for 4. i knew he had a child and he knew i had 2. He would bring his daughter over(even when his mother told him he shouldn't bring her around me?)she would run our time together and i was patient for months but finally told him i didn't want to go on a date ruled by a 9 year old and we stopped seeing each other for a month before he could stand up on that issue. then..the i hate you pictures started and the tantrums in the restaurants because she didn't get exactly what she wanted. every time he would leave the room she would make faces or say sarcastic things to me and i would tell him..his response was she would never do that. ok then i told him not to bring her cause i wanted adult time(which his mother didn't think he should do..why would he tell me that?). 6 months after we met we were engaged because besides the daughter he was good to me and a year we moved out of the state...which he thought it was a good idea a month later to bring her to stay for a MONTH. i've left a lot of things out but in that month we fought so much and she was so nasty to me i asked him to go to her state to see her and not bring her back. i haven't seen her since but she still effects our relationship. when i first met my DH he told me he hadn't seen his daughter regularly and somethings not for years...which he now says he never said. now it's my fault he never sees his daughter. and if i ever even bring up her name it's a huge fight...i don't get it. in the mean time...he has gone out of his way NOT to have a relationship with my children. and is very negative about anything they do..especially my BD. and if i make the mistake of saying if your daughter did this you wouldn't be so hard on her...FIGHT. our biggest fights always involve her. he said she's changed but i wouldn't know that because i won't let her come here. i friended her on facebook(which she wasn't supposed to have) and saw that she had a boyfriend(which he said she would never do that). last week i saw her post that was asking for pain meds from anyone and even though i don't care for her i told my DH because i was concerned...fight. because i was just trying to get her in trouble. ok never again will i tell him anything i know. i heard him talking on the phone to her about it and it was like he was begging her not to post things that will get her in trouble. he actually said just private message them..really? then he got off the phone with her and he came to me and said "she actually got in trouble" (good she shouldn't be asking for pills) but apparently not that much trouble cause she just got a cell..my DH wants me to be very hard on my Biokids but he's the opposite when it comes to his..you notice i don't put SD..i feel nothing for her.in 7 years i haven't seen his family or talked to them either...he says they don't effect our lives so i don't need to..i feel like i'm not good enough for his family. not matter what i say or do i'm in the wrong when it comes to his family or daughter. the fights have be bad and i'm always feeling i'm wrong in some way. i don't know how to deal with this anymore.sorry its so long.
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OH my...I am sorry.
OH my...I am sorry. Disengage. Focus on ensuring YOUR kids are good, respectful, etc...don't waste a single minute thinking about his kid. Believe me I know it's hard. I used to do it all the time...sigh...and sometimes, it comes up, but at the end of the day, if she doesn't live her and I don't have to see her, who cares...I focus on my kid. If he's not nice to your kids because they are not behaving, etc...nip it in the bud now! You are not doing your DH a favor, your are helping YOUR kids become find young adults. If even after you focusing on yours, not his, and your kids being nice, respectful, not getting in trouble, etc... (and I know nobody is perfect, but the level of disrespect, etc...is something difference), he's still not nice to them, then you need to reconsider your relationship with him.
Good luck...this who step thing is a nightmare...
my own child have been a
my own child have been a challenge...especially my BD because they've heard the fights and heard him say mean things. there's no respect on either side..after 7 years how can there be? but my son is an adult and out of the house and my daughter is almost..i just don't want to lose my relationship with them because my DH has guilt about his own kid. i always feel 2nd to him. last mothers day(and he's always spent the day with me) he lied and said he had to go out of town for work. i found out that he went to his daughters state to spend her bday with her because she begged him to..why? she was trying to get a car out of him.also last week he told me she got a cell (which i already knew) and did i want her number.. i told him why would i?why would i want more to fight about? i think i've disengaged as much as i can..she doesn't come here i don't go there. i don't see her or even his family. disappointed because i'd never had this problem with someones kids before her and i was looking forward to being part of his family but after 7 years i know i won't be ..nor my kids.
Mmmmm, sounds somewhat
Mmmmm, sounds somewhat familiar. SD15 lives with us fulltime (sadface). She started doing deceitful teenager things, nothing too serious, but stuff she knew was wrong but did it anyway. Facebook, mobile phone stuff, nothing much really, it was the lies, deceit and manipulation that did my head in.
I was the one to always catch her out. To her father, she will always be daddy's little girl and can do no wrong. After a period of time, we started fighting about it, it was the only thing we fought about. He went into protective father mode and I believe was probably in a bit of denial. It got to the stage that the minute I mentioned anything he percieved to be negative about her (ie: her "forgetting" to feed the cat, put her dirty clothes in the laundry basket) he was immediately on her defensive.
It got to the stage where I went out of my way to catch her out, in the hope he would finally realise that she's not all she's cracked up to be. In the general scheme of things and compared to a lot of stuff people have to put up with on here, most of it is not that major.
I made the decision to turn the other cheek and if the stuff that she was doing that she knew she shouldn't be, I have decided to ignore. I would love to give her a plastic shovel with a note attached saying "this will help you dig a hole for yourself just that little bit faster." When something happens, I think of the shovel and if nothing else, it helps lighten my frame of mind, even just a little bit!!
I wanted him to say something like "yes, you were right, she's a lying, deceitful, manipulative girl and I will be aware of that in the future".
I knew in reality that was never going to happen.
So what if she's got no clean clothes because they're all in pile in her bedroom, so what if she can't afford to go the movies because she's spent her allowance on junk food after school. What if I think she's drinking underage and can't prove it? At the end of the day, I have chosen not to care. It's not my problem. It's her father's problem and her mother's problem.
When things start to get to me, one of things I say to myself (unless it is a big deal) is:
Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy? I don't know if happy is the correct wording to use, it may be "or do I want to avoid another fight". Works sometimes, depending on the degree of severity. I call it self preservation.
Good luck x
I am new here and just want
I am new here and just want to say it is a real releif to know I'm not alone , its so good to see other people are going through the same thing ,,
I just wanted to comment to Flutterby about her last comment , what a great saying ,," Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?" this simple sentance gave me a lot to think about and I thank you ! Every fight my husband and I have is about his daughter , about how deceitfull she is and how she torments our 14 year old and he just keeps turning a blind eye to it all and gets all defensive and blames our daughter ,, they very litterally got into a fistfight the other day and he somehow turned it all around on our daughter ( who has never gotten in a fight before this , who is a quiet , straight A student , an all around good girl ..) he made it all her fault to the point she was begging him to forgive her ,, no matter how many facts or how much evidence I/we showed him to prove it was HIS daughter who started it all , he still stuck up for her ,,, and then I read that simple line ,, do I want to be right or do I want to be happy ?... it really helped me ,, thank you !
I agree with herewegoagain.
I agree with herewegoagain. Get the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin and read thoroughly.
What you have is a "guilty daddy" on your hands. Your H feels regret that he can't live under the same roof as his daughter, so he makes stepmom and her children PAY DEARLY for it.
We stepmoms are just supposed to be a doormat, look the other way and smile broadly when spawn from a previously enjoyed BM digs his/her heels in and goes to war with stepmom in a not-so-veiled attempt to get rid of her.
And of course guilty daddy, puts his head in the sand and looks the other way. Any tactful suggestion to improve on his parenting schools is taken as a direct attack on his spawn.
In my case, I say literally NOTHING about biodad's spawn. Because it ALWAYS leads to arguments. Eight years ago, he decided to let the BM steamroll over him (and me) and brainwash all three children against him and of course me.
I do keep track "out of earshot" by checking their grades, (especially the daughter's grades, stb 13 years old and failing all classes in less than month's worth of school) b/c I want to know what I'm in for. He goes on blissfully unaware and unconcerned that his children have a piss poor parent BM and will be utter failures at life. The biodad I live with (we are not married b/c the BM and skids caused YEARS of drama and false legal trouble for us) is about the most sensitive dad (can get actually violent) when it comes to his precious stb felonious "angels." So I can't show him ANYTHING helpful or informative on the web. Check this out:
http://steptogether.org/help.html
thanks for the support Auteur
thanks for the support Auteur , I read the link you attached also , unfortunatly it doesnt really apply to my househould , since my husband and the biomom were not together since the SD was about 1 , she have never known him to be her dad , never knew who he was or his name , because the mom had told my husband the girl wasnt his daughter when they split and we never heard a word from her again , up until this past year (13 years later) when the mom finally came out with it and the SD found our daughter on facebook and sent her a message saying " Hi , I think I am your sister , my dad is your dad ,,, " nice isnt it ?! 3 men , ( 2 of them brothers) and the child got DNA tested and my husband was the lucky winner ... the point is ,,, he was never her dad , she has never had to live with him , he never established a role with her , he jumped into this with her full force , totally ignoring my feelings or our daughters who is now nearly invisible to him unless he is grounding her for breathing or rubbing his "new daughter" in her face .. He doesnt want to be this girls dad , he wants to be her buddy , he is constantly telling her, our daughter and myself are just jealous of HER and he will scream at our daughter and talk all nicey nice to her ,, it kills me , she lays on the couch sucking her thumb with her blanky ( YES at 15 Years old she does this ,,, ) and begs him to come cuddle her , AND HE DOES !!! Then he acts all confused or laughs it off and says my daughter and I are just jealous when I tell him how very wrong their actions are ,,, ( I think I should elaborate on this more on a seperate post )
I guess the part about dis-engageing would apply or could apply to me, every other weekend I think I should while she's here but the problem is ,,, she drags me into it , she drags our 13 year old daughter into it , I feel like if I try to seperate myself from the whole thing , I leave my daughter ( our daughter..) open for attack from the SD and I feel like the SD has won and got her way and pushed me out , just like she's been planning ,( and now oddly her mom is single again ),, makes me even more wary ,,,
ugghhh
what to do , what to do ....
You are not alone. I am never
You are not alone. I am never right either
I am also a SM to a "daddy's girl", and I am always the one to point out when my DH should get onto her. She is 14 and thinks the only way to communicate is by yelling. She is always on the defensive. I have taken the stance that my SD's (there are 2, ages 14 and 11) are HIS problem and HIS kids. My main concern is my BS who is 9. I refuse to raise him with no rules. I just hope that my nasty little SD doesn't rub off on him.
I have disengaged, which is sad for me because I have a lot to offer these girls. Too bad I don't get the support I need from their father.
RIGHT , thats what I am
RIGHT , thats what I am saying too , there is no support here , I dont know how you can let them be HIS problem alone ,,, how do you just let it all go ?? I feel like if I do that , I am leaving my 13 year old daughter open this nasty little girls attacks and that I've let this witch win , and I'm afraid my daughter is going to look at me and think " ok mom , way to stand up for yourself,,, and me and our little 3 year old daughter .. you just give in , give up ,,, " I dont want her to look at me like I'm not willing to stand up for her and her little sister , or that I am submitting and giving this intruder the upper hand ,,,
is it really better for you when you just give in ? I'm not asking sarcastically , I mean it ,,, has it worked out better for you ??
thank you !
Apparently it didn't work for
Apparently it didn't work for me. The SD14 "mini-wife" wrote a letter and demanded that he leave me. So he asked me for a divorce...the day after I found out that I have a tumor.
I hope you situation gets easier...
Yes, how would you disengage
Yes, how would you disengage when the skid is tormenting YOUR kid? I'd want to punch them in the face! Pseudo step CTBB was way older than our 3 so I didn't have sibling issues thank God.(just my husband thinking CTBB walked on water and it was our 3 very smart gifted kids that had the problems not fat spoiled dropout firestarting delinquent CTBB. But that's another post for another time.
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Leeseloo - I think you cant
Leeseloo - I think you cant disengage if your sd is attacking your children and btw your husband is acting like a jackarse, the way he is going he is losing his other daughters and his wife.
Personally, I would tell DH she isnt permitted in your home anymore. You werent consulted about any of the decisions regarding this huge leap and you arent comfortable with how she acts towards the girls. If DH accuses you of being jealous, dont respond. ATM all he is doing is baiting you, he doesnt want to address any relevant concerns your family bring up about the entire situation, because that would mean he would have to DO something about the way he and sd are behaving and that is way too much work - he doesnt want things to change, becauses he is happy basking in the adoration of his daughter, being hero worshipped by her. So his defence is to stone wall you, shoot the messenger - you. As you know attack is the best form of defence.
The ONLY way you are going to begin to reassert your authority and get back some control over your home, happiness and those of your girls is by ceasing to engage with DH on this subject. Now this is going to be difficult. When someone throws awful things at you which are wrong, when you are being constantly disrespected in the place you should have peace and sancuary then you want to defend yourself...and that is exactly where your DH wants you to be, because that means you end up discussing YOUR deficiences, he tries to guilt you, bully you, wear you down into submission - so STOP giving him this opportunity. It will take practice, but breathe calmly and ignore the accusations and merely tell him straight - sd is not permitted in the house until DH can start acting like a parent to her and stop bullying the rest of you. If he tells you " you cant stop me" - tell him simply, you can as when he gets home all the doors will be locked, and there will be HELL to pay. If he makes a fuss, the police will be called along with BM. Not your issue.
As for sd atm (and until you can tell DH when sd isnt around), completely ignore her and tell your daughters to do the same, better still dont include them in any family outings and dont enable either by protecting their behaviour to other people i.e. be truthful. Dont DO anything for her, act like she isnt there.
This may all sound OTT but seriously, things will only get worse for you if you dont make a stand now. Your responsibility is to your children. You cant control your DH's bad decisions, only how you react to them.
Thank you sooo much for your
Thank you sooo much for your insight , its given me a lot to think about ,, after the fight we had last night ( again,,, ) over the recent physical fight his 15 yo and our 13 yo had , again ,, stupidly , I provided him with yet MORE proof that it was caused by HIS daughter , and pretty much begged him to be a father to this girl not a friend and set up some real rules and punishment for her , since our 13 yo is grounded for 2 weeks and cut off facebook ( wich is good because she doesnt need to read the crap his daughter is writing about her ,,) , all because she stuck up for herself and hit back when she was hit first ,, I only agreed to the punishment because our daughter took the SD's things and threw them all out on the front lawn and locked the doors when the SD went outside ,to call her BM for a ride home ,,, ( I have to say it was kinda funny , wish I had seen it !!) but she know's better than to do that ,,, then she unplugged the phone on SD from inside , so she was locked out with no phone , all her stuff out on the lawn and no where to go ,, so unfortunately she had to be punished for that ,, but fair is fair and my husband went round and round with me and our daughter and it ended pretty much like I thought it would ,, SD is innocent ,, our daughter is the ass who started it all ( contrary to all the evidence ,,) and he's not going to set up rules and punishment for " a child he only gets to see EOW/E " so he cant possibly enforce punishment on her for the short time she is here !!
I am going to try to just disengage the next couple of days and see how it works , I dont know if she'll even come up next weekend after she read my journal and found out how much I really hate her and her mom ,, but I am going to try to prepare myself anyways ,, I am sick of fighting about her , sick of spending time worring about her and less time with our other 2 daughters , our 13 yo daughter was found at school yesterday in the hall crying by herself , she refused to talk to the councilor and refused to go home , and refused to talk to her dad becuse she knew he'd deny his daughter had anything to do with her breakdown ,, so she figured what's the point ,, I need to focus on my own daughters before they fall apart even more , if their daddy cant be there for them , I will ,, and he and his " perfect princess " can live happily ever after ,, out on the street ! But I'm getting ahead of myself , I will try to disengage first , see if that works for us , concentrate on my 13 year old , and if I cant do it and I cant pull it together we'll go on to plan B ,, keeping my fingers crossed !
haha Draco26...those are some
haha Draco26...those are some of the same comments i had heard. but i don't see her anymore. he has to go to where she is because of all the crap. and he is angry about that. i told my DH that it will allow him to focus on her only and not the tension and drama. but when she did visit they really didn't do anything. he was working or she was watching tv/on the computer. i guess its being a good parent if you're present. now i don't bring up her name at all because it will be a fight before the first full sentence. but he's so resentful that he's very negative about my kids and actually has the nerve to judge me on my parenting even though he isn't even involved with my children. so frustrating and hardly worth it after almost 8 years of it.