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wondermom's picture

I am so distraught by the whole thing and simply dont know how to handle it.

I have a 14 year old stepson who has been living with us from this year..although I see him as my own, he always make me feel uncomfortable cause I cannot read him. He lies a lot (master at it), is sometimes dilutional and does not show emotion. He acts like an 8 year old around us, but when he goes home to Durban, he is a teenager (judging from the messages on his phone). Overall he is a nice child to have around. He likes playing with little children, to the extend that we had to tell him to start socialising with his own age.

A couple of months ago, my sister-in-law refused to send her 9 year old daughter to our place, apparently something happened with her and our son...I thought she was overreacting. Then, recently, we had friends over with children between 4 and 7 of age. He played with the kids in one of the rooms and all of a sudden they came downstairs to show us the money he paid them...apparently they had to message him..we were so embarrassed and my husband flipped. Still we did not think that much about it.

Last night, I went into my 10 year old's room. He has been sleeping for about 3 hours then. I heard him tossing and turning and when I turned around I saw my stepson was lying with him in the bed. I immediately felt like something was wrong. When I asked him what he was doing there, he kept quiet and had a very funny expression on his face. My son was half asleep, but woke up because he also could not understand why my stepson is in his bed. When I lifted the blankets, both of them were naked. My 10 year old was very surprised to find his short was taken off. This boy took of my sons shorts while he was sleeping (and he is a deep sleeper) and got into bed with him stark naked. Luckily i got into the room just as he got into the bed.

I feel sick in my stomach, I cannot look at this child, yet I feel very sorry for him and his mother. My husband decided he does not want him in the house and he has to go back to his mother.

I'm not sure if it is the right thing to do. I feel as if we would be feeding him to the wolves, cause he had to pick these things up in the area where he grew up. On the other hand, my sons safety comes first. I cannot afford to have him psychologically messed up and traumatised. Also, how do we know that his cousins and our friends' children are safe around him.

I need advise as to how to handle the situation.

on the fence's picture

Get that kid out of your house right now! Either that or take your son and leave. Right away! Anywhere. Family or friends or hotel but get your son away from that monster. He needs help and you don't need your little boy being traumatized and who knows what else. Does DH know?

thetrueone's picture

no no,
yes i agree that the 14 year old is in the wrong but your going across it the wrong way you need to get closer to the 14 year old and then finally ask the goal question why did you do what you did. Yes it may seem like a very simple answer but you need to look past that teens have urges thats not what its about. And yes this whole situation is very dramatising but if you atomatically shut down the 14 year old then he is "the showing of the monster." meaning that what he thought was "right" was wrong and in his mind its right he will spend time after time thinking about this situation. And this situation is very delicate because situations like this is one of the main reasons for rapist and merdurs root cause.

WickedStepMom18's picture


SillyGilly's picture

You need to remove your child from him NOW. You need to go to the authorities NOW. SS CANNOT be around children. THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS PROBLEM. You *HAVE* to do something about it even if DH doesn't want to and sending him to BM's is NOT the answer. Your step son is a child molester. He was probably abused himself. This is too big for you and DH and BM to handle on your own. He CANNOT be around other children, period.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Sounds like your husband is the only one thinking clearly. Send he boy wih his mother and get him into counseling. There have been too many instances that you aren't acknowledging. Who know what exactly he did to those younger kids?! You also need totall to your son about this and if anything else has happened.

stormabruin's picture

I hardly see where the "SHAME ON YOU AND DH" is productive. It's belittling & disparaging. I do agree, however, that sending him off without addressing the issue only leaves him to persue children elsewhere. BM needs to be made aware of what's happening. It is important for the boy to talk with a counselor. If he was abused, a counselor can help bring that to light. If that's not the case, they can help figure out his issues & help the family cope & heal.

sway1's picture

I do agree with you luv them all.............
there is something wrong with the 14 year old. and he needs help. booting him off on someone else is not helping him, only making things even worse. sure he is 14 years old (and should know better) but the life style he is growing up in is not helping him to see things like that should never be done period. maybe this child has been raped by men and he thinks in his mind it's ok for him to do to others. the child needs help. not kicked out the door.

aggravated1's picture

"And kicking him out without addressing the problem is WRONG. "

I would make sure I addressed the problem, but he would not be living under my roof and in the same house with my son while it was being addressed.

Not-until-you-walk-in-my-shoes's picture

I know that this is a horrible and rough subject, but lets give realistic advice. Counseling does help. As does jail. Group therapy, and Offender rehabilition programs. This is a sickness. A horrible illness that can't be cured, but it can be worked with. These Men and woman need help. And society would rather burn them at the stake. The majority of these people are not proud of what they have done and they don't realize the lasting effect it has on the other person. I have a brother who is in prison for his offence. And that is the best place for him. I am in a relationship with an "offender", who has been in and contiues counceling and therapy programs. I was raped by several men when i was 17. My advice comes from several different areas of understanding.

Lauren1438's picture

Just FYI it has been proven that it is a issue with the chemical make up in the brain. True offenders that begin at a young age will never stop. Yes they need help but no they can not be "cured" by rehabilitation programs and other meetings. It is also proven that jail doesn't always work as well. If someone is a True offender and begins showing signs at a young age there really isn't hope of anything curing them. Make sure you understand the difference from a crime of passion (heat of the moment) and PREMEDITATED. I have studied these subjects for 4 years. I have read countless books and I have also interviewed sex offenders, and murders.

Lauren1438's picture

Just FYI it has been proven that it is a issue with the chemical make up in the brain. True offenders that begin at a young age will never stop. Yes they need help but no they can not be "cured" by rehabilitation programs and other meetings. It is also proven that jail doesn't always work as well. If someone is a True offender and begins showing signs at a young age there really isn't hope of anything curing them. Make sure you understand the difference from a crime of passion (heat of the moment) and PREMEDITATED. I have studied these subjects for 4 years. I have read countless books and I have also interviewed sex offenders, and murders.

Rags's picture

Call the police immediately and have them haul the little PERV off to where he belongs. He should spend the rest of his youth in juvenile hall where he can pay the price for his criminal behavior.

Sure, get him help and counseling but only in addition to what the government will provide for him as an inmate. He needs to be flagged as a sex offender for the rest of his life so other children will be protected from him.

Once the police haul him off in cuffs I would not allow him back in to my home. Your DH has to step up also in order protect his younger children from his deviant older son as well as protect the children of friends, family and the broader community.

Parents should protect their children even if it is from another of their children.

I would also call all of the parents of the children that the PERV has been in contact with lately to inform them of his crime against your child and so that they can press charges if necessary to protect their own children.

This is another situation that I have ZERO tolerance for. 14 is old enough to know right from wrong and he is a willful child molester even if he is only 14.

IMHO of course.

Best regards,

hismineandours's picture

The police are not going to lock this kid up. At all. They will turn this over to DCS-allow them to investigate-the boy will get treatment. My guess is also that this boy must have been sexually abused himself and that will need to be investigated. The child may need to be placed in foster care if there are younger kids in bm's home or if he is being abused there.

Rags's picture

If a half a dozen or so sets of parents file charges against him for sexual assault on their children he will not only go to jail tonight but for years if he is convicted, even as a juvenile.

I would have him in jail tonight if he molested my child, if I let him live that long. It would be all I could do not to beat him to death for stealing my child's innocence.

As I said before, at 14 he knows right from wrong and he is a willful molester of children.

SillyGilly's picture

By the way I am really sorry this is happening to you. This must be a very shocking, horrible thing to experience. I hope you will find this site supportive and helpful.

sway1's picture

may I ask the op... what had happen after you caught him in your son's bed? did he just get up and go to his room? did you and dh talk with him?

caregiver1127's picture

I love this comment - I really can't stand when people come on here and are sharing their deepest and darkest moments - moments that make them ashamed and then get bashed or beaten to death with the same comments over and over - OP - I am so sorry you have to go through this - I think quite frankly if I had walked in on my SS in bed with my child naked he would have woken up in the hospital after I got done with him - being a sexual abuse survivor myself - it is very hard to get over it and to think that somehow it was not my fault - abusers are really good at getting their victims to think it was their fault that it happened - anyone who actually has the balls to question why your BS was naked should be shot - he is the victim not the damn abuser - the poor thing waking up like that and even if something has happened before he is in no way at fault and that stupid notion should not even be entertained. My prayers are with you at this time!!

New second wife-step-mom's picture

In my opinion I think you should get him away permantly from your son. I would also talk to my son to see if there was other encounters. You do need to notify his mother, grandparents, school counsellors, etc to make sure they are aware and maybe will offer more help for the SS. I am not sure about flagging the 14 y/o as a sex offender but I would make sure he receives counselling and that others are aware of this. I would also want to know more details about the other encounters first and where/when his behaviour started. Just my thoughts. So sorry this is happening to your family.

Felicity0224's picture

Oh, my. I am so sorry you're going through this! I can't imagine how awful you must be feeling.

I think that most people have given you sound advice so far. You SS needs counseling, and you need to take steps to protect other children from further harm. You need to remove your kids from having contact with him, and you should take your 10 year-old to a counselor ar well. Who knows if something more has happened that you don't know about? A counselor can help you find out and address it properly.

Again, I am so sorry! You have some difficult decisions to make, but PLEASE do not just send SS back to BM and try to go on as if nothing happened!

Rags's picture

The past has happened. I would focus entirely on protecting your other children and all other children from your SS-14.

Love him, support him, but do not let him have the opportunity to do it again.

Press charges and encourage the parents of every child he has molested to press charges.

That is the best help you can get for him and for his past and future victims.

stormabruin's picture

I agree with this completely. Let him feel the legal consequences, but get him some counseling. He obviously has issues & needs to talk them out with someone who can help him.

tofurkey's picture

I agree as well. You can't just let this kid walk off without any consequences, according to what you wrote I am taking it he is a repeat offender. Please please do not make the mistake of thinking that because he's younger that he's not capable of doing worse or that he shouldn't be brought up on charges. I used to work for a place that dealt with juvenile offenders and you would not believe what even 9, 10, and 11 year olds did. Just awful awful things. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this but you have a responsiblity to your child and other children to do something about this.

oneoffour's picture

The boy needs counselling NOW. Intensive counselling. I suspect he has been molested himself for some time and this is his way of not being a victim anymore.

He needs to be kept away from other children. He obviously has a problem with self control and some deep seated problems.

And here comes the issue how to deal with it. Was he abused himself? Who did it? Can you face knowing you are friends with someone who may have started all of this? Because SOMEBODY did it. Somehow he got this idea that this is OK. And if you condemn the child you have to accept that you or his mother may well know very well the person who started this. This isn't just about this boy. It is about what/who started him on this path.

Athough being a consummate liar may make him difficult to reach.

Good luck. And take your son to a few counselling sessions. He may need some clarification of what is acceptable and what isn't from an impartial party.


I am thinking you and your son need to go sleep in a motel tonight. I am not only afraid for your son's but your safety if he is afraid you will tell his secret to the world. Please get him out of your house ASAP, he knows what he is doing. He is 14 years old and knows better!

hbell0428's picture

Oh my gosh; get him help before it goes any further!! If that isn't far enough....
I hope your son is okay with all of this; how awful for him - I don't know what I would do. I hope someone will be able to help him with all of this (Both of them).
I would deff make sure your son "understands" what happened the best he can; wow.

thoughts are w/ you - take care

Alison's picture

What an awful situation Sad I'm so sorry...

I agree with love and support the 14 year old but don't allow him opportunity to be around the younger kids again.

He apparently DOES have tendencies that need to be addressed NOW before they turn into felonies later in life.

COUNSELING. Contact the school child psychologist.

ddakan's picture

GET HIM OUT! you don't sacrifice one to save another!!!

protect the 10 year old

the 14 year old must go!!!

mom2five's picture

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you will listen to some of the more compassionate and productive advise you've received and ignore the reactive, judgmental nonsense being spewed by those who have no idea what they are talking about.

It's almost impossible to step back, breathe, and think. But that's what you and your DH have to do.

(1) Your first priority over everything else is to protect the children in your home. That means that your stepson can never be allowed alone with a child. Getting him out of the house is an excellent solution.

(2) Your stepson needs help as well. He isn't a 16 year old. He isn't an 18 year old. He is a 14 year old child. He needs treatment. Only an expert can figure out whether this was really dumb and age inappropriate experimentation...or a sign of something more sinister.

(3) Your whole family is going to need counseling. This will affect your relationship with your husband. And it will affect the kids.

Your family is in my prayers. You are in a horrible situation. But you can find a way out. The key is not to panic. And not to make rash, emotionally based decisions.

purpledaisies's picture

I agree with retro here. The whole I will show you mine if you show me yours does not apply b/c the 10yr was ASLEEP! What part of that do you not get? Yes this is for one poster!

Dad needs to help this child but I also agree he needs to be out of the house. Not with his mom though.

I have seen this with another child, a friend's child had his innocence taken from him by his cousin. The police didn't do anything to the kid but they took him form his parents. He was being messed with by his mom's bf, she didn't care and married the dude while he was in jail. It messed this poor kid up really bad.

Your ss needs help and needs to know his parents care. That may mean that dad take him somewhere to get him help and let him know that he is there for him.

Done WIth It's picture

hmmmm...wonder was has happened to this boy sometime in his early years that he's gone this way.

Whever you and your child are,he can not be allowed...ever. This is for the father and BM to figure out. It is certainly a disgrace for them that they must deal with.

He must be taken to a doctor for these issues and the doc's orders must be followed. They will know the proper steps in getting this kid institutionalized and help needed.

This kid is very sick. You want to handle this carefully and discreetly for your own personal future with others. Don't think for a minute that everyone's kid hasn't done some sexual exploring with others. I believe it is only human nature. The 14 year old...he's way over what would be considered norm. He is dangerous and significantly harmful to others.

Knowing that he is mentally sick and deviante, you get him out and you get him help. You don't want people wondering what "dad" or another family member did to the boy to make him that way. You will be alienated from everyone if you go public calling the police on this. I saw this happen in my neighborhood with all 3 familes having to move out. We were happy to see all of them leave, due to the ugliness of the whole incident. The victims families screamed bloody murder about it letting everyone know what the kid across the street had done. That family was so good, except for the nasty son. It was awful and it will follow all of them for the rest of their lives.

Be discreet, be firm....the kid is very very sick and needs serious help away from others. Do I think he can be cured? No. Do I think he should be castrated. yes. Will it stop

Sorry you must go through this. Terrible for your husband.

Whoever posted about shooting the kid....I think that person should do it, then, be imprisoned forever as they aren't a rational human and who cares if they're off the planet, also.

purpledaisies's picture

I wanted to say one more thing it is thinking like yours open minded that make victims think it is their fault. It is NEVER their fault ever it is the person taking advantage of them.

Travelguy's picture

Easy to place blame, tough to accurately place blame. Most of those who commit some sort of assault, sexual or otherwise, were victims at some point. In reality, the disease is to blame with the perpetrators a symptom. Treating the symptom will save the young one, but it does nothing to stop the disease. That is far more complicated.

I really don't think our society knows what the hell to do with psychological sexual disease. Locking it up and throwing away the key seems like an easy answer, but I really don't think it's that simple.

To the original poster, I hope you have found support. In my humble opinion, steps need to be taken (I am not profession - not sure what steps) so that the family grows closer, not more distant or fragmented from this unfortunate event. Only then can the healing process be nurtured.

p.lo's picture


Shivers's picture

You definitely need to get him out of there. Your son is not safe if he's there. He needs to be sent to jail or something like sending him to a Juvenile Delinquency Program. He needs to be under the care of authorities that can watch him. Discipline is definitely in the forefront in helping him change.

mediagod2004's picture

This is VERY IMPORTANT. Do NOT demonize the 14yo. Yes, the child needs to be segregated until further investigation can be done but it is of utmost importance HIS interests are sought as well. Protect your biological children but do not leave the child to become what he does NOT have to become, a predator. He has shown the behaviors, and actions of one so far but be careful with the 10yo situation. I saw the same thing almost tear a family apart and then it came out the younger of the two had been 'involved' in this play for a long time and when it was discovered played innocent and unknowing. I'm not saying that is THIS but it can happen. Get this 14 year old some HELP NOW!!! Do not just throw away as other suggest. He can be saved and turned around. You said it yourself, "he learned this somewhere", well let's be a neighbor, a family and protect ALL CHILDREN. He can be taught behavior modification and all sorts of things. Please look into this and not just from a homosexual or molestation issue or perspective. This is a disease and it is spreading. Each child he has been with, also needs spoken with because the 'seed' may be within them as well and they may look to regain THEIR power someday as well.
I have seen such cases in my friends, their children. Sometimes it's just playing around but this is NOT, this is a serious time and only YOU and your HUSBAND and FAMILY can help this boy. Keep him from other kids alone. Never let him alone with them. Get him in therapy. Do not let the system have him or he is done and we will see him on news in 10 years or dead in jail or suicide. Please help ALL CHILDREN IN NEED!

kiran's picture

All you people are just horrible human beings
this is a kid we are talking about !!
the fault is not with him it is with his parents and all you all can do is blame the child for it ?? !!
If anything the legal guardian should be whipped and instead of pushing the child away you should try and help him. Obviously you should keep your 10 year old son away from him but you should also not destroy a child's life just because his childhood was horrible !
He must have been mentally scared because of the divorce and what is the father doing to help him
The kid should obviously be punished but also he should be helped and you and your husband should also try and bring him around to normalcy !

hope I haven't crossed any lines here !

peace out Biggrin

buckeye mommy's picture

I remember when this was posted orginally. I wonder what ever happened; I hope the SS got some help and she got her children away from him.

Sensato's picture

I strongly suggest to you so see "Do Come├žo ao Fim" film , better if you have the english translated version. Also, "Starcrossed". You will understand better this situation and maybe leave some unknowedlege abot this themes, before to give a flat oppinion with no fundaments.

mom2boys's picture

everything already has been said that i would have said, but i just wanted to let u know we are here for u and i hope things get better for you

BabyDoll's picture

What I would do in your situation is:

  • Make temporary living arrangements with a relative besides the BM. This relative should be at home full time to provide supervision and have no children living in the home or near the home. He needs to be removed from the home IMMEDIATELY!
  • Get him into counseling IMMEDIATELY! Please note that the therapist is bound by law (at least, in our state) to report this type of behavior to law enforcement.
  • Call his school guidance counselor IMMEDIATELY because he should not be allowed near small children. Please note that his guidance counselor are bound by law (at least, in our state) to report this type of behavior to CPS.
  • While you are doing the first three things, you need to find a residential treatment program ASAP that deals with juvenile sex offenders because this is what you are dealing with. Use Google. I was able to find hundreds of links within seconds.

I know that this is probably one of the worst things that you will have to deal with in your entire life but could you really, and I mean really, live with yourself if this behavior continued for the rest of your stepson's life and you or your DH did absolutely nothing to stop it.

december82's picture

After several incidents that alarmed her(but couldn't bring herself to believe such a thing about her son), my friends son was charged finally at 14 with sexual assault, seems he propositioned her friends very young granddaughter. It turned out to be too little too late, even after treatment he's continued to have sexual issues and has spent most of his teenage & adult years locked up for other non sexual offences. The boy had a child hood like no other just unbelievably bad, which is when he was molested himself, so the cycle continues!
The worst thing you can do is under-react he needs help now, talk to your local children's aide they will help you find programs he needs, and at this point he should be removed at least temporarily from your home so that he doesn't involve your younger child into the cycle of molestation. You have a very tough road ahead of you and i am truly sorry this issue is now in your life!

Smomof3's picture

My first husband who died as the result of alcoholism was raised in a house with an abuser and was most likely abused himself. His parents caught his older brother molesting his step sister and sent him away for a brief time. They also blamed her. His older brother molested both sister and maybe him, introduced him to drugs, force fed him acid at 11, the list just goes on.

My husband became an alcoholic and died, one sister is disfunctional and has attempted suicide twice, and the other hates men and doesn't associate with anyone.

Therealtruth's picture

Your 14 yr old stepson is a victim of child sexual abuse and needs help because he will become a pedophile the same as who molested him. He won't be able to be trusted around children until he gets help. Most boys never do get help and that's why 98% of child molesters are men and 1 in 3 girls and 1in 4 boys are sexually abused as children and it is always by a person that knows the child and allowed access to them by the parents, if it's not one of the parents themselves. Something happened to your stepson and needs treatment because he is a victim before he turns into a predator....I'm a CYCW

Daver's picture

Hello, I am so sorry to hear that this has happened.

I think before doing anything drastic, there are a few things to consider.

I do agree that he should be kept away from children for the time being. I think a lot of people on this site have made him a villain and want to throw him to the wolves, but that won't do him any favors and it could ruin his life. He is still young and he can still be helped. I do agree that counselling is needed, and a good non-judgemental talk from you two (tell him it's ok to be gay, but not to go after kids cause that's pedophilia). From his point of view, it's harmless experimentation. But he probably doesn't see the long-term effects it could probably have on these children.

If you call the police, I think it could mess him up more, while I think some councelling could still help him. Try to keep a low profile for now (unless another parent complains). It depends how far he has gone, if it's only been massages and being in bed naked, I don't think it's worth ruining his life although it was VERY EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE (but just that probably won't ruin the life of these kids). However, it can start small and get much more serious quickly, I think you guys caught him at the right time, while it's not too late to help him. You can call the police if you prefer, but just remember that it's a mountain of stress and if word gets around in his school and stuff, it could do more harm than good (but again it depends how far he has gone). If you want to send him to his mother, it's a good idea if she doesn't live with any kids. But of course she needs to be aware too, and hopefully she's a responsible parent, and he will get the councelling he needs.

Unlike most people on this site, I do care about his well being as I do for the kids too. I hope you guys can find a solution that will benefit everyone. Take care

talia11's picture

Agreed with what everyone wrote. Removal of that child is the first and foremost thing - he had obviously assulated children prior and no way would I let him anywhere near my child. I know this post is old but agree with beaccountable above. In my job as a parole officer I work with sex offenders who themselves are oftne abused as a child and commit offences as young children also. A lot of help would be needed for a child in this case, but the crucial factor is to protect the innocent victims - they are the ones who suffer the most.

ybarra357's picture

"From his point of view, it's harmless experimentation."

OMG I can only hope you're kidding. He's 14!!! not 4!!

willstebd's picture

I understand your worry, and I have been through a similar situation with my son who is 15 now which for obvious reasons I do not wish to discuss in depth. To begin with, this incident will not permanently "traumatise" your son, he may be a little shocked but that is all. There is nothing wrong with the 14 year old in question, he is just very confused about what is allowed and what isn't. It is so difficult to deal with these situations as a biological parent for either individual - believe me I've been there, but the important thing is to treat both sides with equal help. I would not recommend shoving the boy out of your house, instead sitting him down and telling him straight on your concern and why what he has done is not acceptable under any circumstances. Tell him in a firm yet not shouty way, so as to enforce your point but not create a bad relationship. When talking to your 10 year old son, tell him not to worry as you have sorted it out and it won't happen again. Only tell him briefly and don't express too much concern, because if he thinks that you are content, he will be content as well. These kind of incidents fade with time, and soon it will all be forgotten. These things seem bad at first, but trust me, the shock factor decreases with time so long as no fear is introduced by anger or law (police) etc.

alieigh21's picture

I've seen first hand what this can do to a victim. Not all victims become abusers but most have life long issues from the experience. Protect your son.

What others have said about notifying the authorities is correct. Even if you DH and BM are united in resolving it's bigger than you can handle. You need professional help. There may have been previous abuse, he could be confused either way he needs help.