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Holiday drama begins

stepper47's picture

Just need to vent, because I can feel myself turning negative and that won't help anything.   DH and I have nowhere to be on Thanksgiving, his family isn't doing anything and my family has theirs on Friday.  We want to start our own tradition with our 3 kids, so we invited them and their significant others for a pasta dinner around 6pm on Thursday.  This gives them time to go to other gatherings, and doesn't make them have turkey twice in one day.  Things with SD16 have seemed ok lately, they have been communicating and we have seen her a couple times. He had said when he first invited her, she seemed receptive, but then late Saturday night she texted and said "I had sworn I wasn't going to spend another Thanksgiving with you"

The backstory on on that is that a couple years ago, she feels as though we "abandoned" her on Thanksgiving.  That year was my grandpa's first year in a nursing home, and my aunt and uncle had organized for us to have a family dinner there with him.  He has alzheimer's, so it was only scheduled for an hour.  DH communicated this to both his kids, and said they were invited - we were going to be gone about an hour and then planned to play games and have snacks with our kids when we got home.  They both declined to go, which was totally fine - SS had a dinner at his gf's to go to, and SD wanted to stay home and take a nap.  We left her wrapped up in blankets on the couch.  We got home about an hour and a half later (DH hadn't thought about drive time when he said we'd be gone "about an hour) to find that SD had disappeared.  After calling around, he discovered she called BM, upset because we all left her. BM had come to get her about 10 minutes before we got home.  That turned into how awful we are, and who abandons their kid on Thanksgiving. SD knew ahead that we were going, she could have stayed with her BM or come with us, it was her decision to stay home alone. 

I thought we were past that, and hoped with her growing up maybe her perspective was changing.  Evidently not, or maybe she is bringing it up to try to keep DH feeling guilty so she can continue to manipulate.  DH is  not sure if she is coming, and he says he is not going to worry about it - she knows what we are doing so she can come or not.   I know he is hurt.   It's hard for me to keep a positive, welcoming frame of mind when I feel like she is acting like a twerp.   I would also like to know whether or not she is coming, it helps me when I know what to expect, plus she is vegan so I wanted to make sure we had things she can eat.   Ugh, I don't know why it has to be so difficult.  

hereiam's picture

If she does not confirm that she is coming, I wouldn't worry about a special menu for her.

You could have been gone 30 minutes and she would claim that you left her on Thanksgiving.

Kes's picture

What you did a couple of years ago doesn't seem unreasonable - you gave SD the chance to go with, she preferred not to, fine.  The "you abandoned me" line is a very obvious ploy to make herself into a victim and manipulate your DH to her own agenda.  I hope he will not pander to this, despite his hurt feelings.   I think that despite the inconvenience (the vegan aspect) don't try to ascertain from her whether she is coming or not - this is what she absolutely wants - her Dad begging her to come etc.  Get something simple in that she will eat, then forget about it until the day.  

notarelative's picture

SD never thought you were actually going to go see your grandfather when she said she didn't want to go. She thought DH would cave and stay home with her. Thus the call to BM. BM may have picked her up only a few minutes before you returned, but my guess is that the call for pick up was made shortly after you left.

SD may have been receptive when DH broached the idea, but someone reminded her of how 'awful' you were to her that day and she's reverted to wounded child mode.

DH is wise to ignore her remarks. He's right. She knows she is invited. Ball is in her court. She shows or she doesn't. If you want to be prepared, you are having pasta, and most pasta is vegan. If you make your own, buy a box that is vegan.  Lots of jar sauces are vegan. Buy a bottle and call it a day. If she shows up, open it up. If she doesn't show, use it or donate it. 

I get how irritating this is. Once SD and her husband were invited for dinner. She said she'd let us know. No answer so we figured they were not coming and I planned the food accordingly. Then holiday morning she calls and asks what time dinner is. Made it work, but I am still irritated about it.

 

MurphysLaw's picture

Your SD is selfish & manipulative, basically a narcissist in the making.

"Abandoned her"...you'd think y'all were out on a drinking binge & swinging with the neighbors. 
If she was my daughter, I would be embarrassed not "hurt".

Harry's picture

Exter food is not a big deal.  Make bought for SD, if she does not come over, more left overs. 

Gracefulsilver's picture

My SD 15 claims she is vegan but eats met and animal products daily.  She only sticks to that "vegan" diest when it is most inconvienient as possible.  She does it for holiday family meals, picnics, and etc. just to make a spectacle oout of herself in a crowd.  She even refuses to eat vegan dishes if they are present because she just wants people to look at her and cater to her by begging her to participate.  I don't cook a single thing for her "special diet" anymore and she no longer comes to eat a family dinner with us.  In fact when we are at his house with all the kids she locks herself in her bedroom pouting an snippy because we are there and not making her the center of attention.  I say I'm happy when she just gets out of the way because she is more of a problem that it is worth to have her around.  I'm actually praying she goes back to living with BM soon because it seems that is where she wants to be at.

Rags's picture

Time to bare her ass with the facts.  Start taking pics of her stuffing her face with animal food products and call bullshit on her when she pulls her attention seeking Vegan bullshit.

"That's funny.  Here you are scarfing down bacon and chicken embryos with a big glass of milk just yesterday.  And that cool leather jacked and shoes you have on right now aren't quite vegan are they?"