HELP. ADVICE NEEDED!
New here. I have a 16 yr old SD and a 15 yr old BD (same school, one grade apart). I have been a step mom for 9 years now, we have always been very close. I have always held them to the same rules, morals, and expectations. My husband has always held my BD to a higher standard and let my SD get away with everything. Last year it got to the point I would divorce him not bc of his daughter but for her. Meaning she has 4 parents and I am the only one from trying to keep her from making life alternating mistakes. He finally started stepping up and disclping her when she would come home drunk, act a fool, or be disrepectful. Fast foward to this year, she and I had a disagreement, so she insued her typical cycle of "she gets in trouble, she disappears for a while, comes back when she wants something, acts like she never did anything wrong, get what she wants... repeat". August her Dad finally had enough of her lying, manipulating, and blantant disrepect so he grounded her for 1 day. ONE DAY. She called her mom and mimi scawling at midnight saying we would not let her leave (we would in fact not). The following week we get a letter from a lawyer saying they want to terminate my husbands visitaion and no longer want him to pay child support. WTH?? Now her mother is going around acting like this child has been abused, neglected, unloved etc... in her exact words "living in a miserable hell" while at our house. Yall our girls are SPOILED. They BOTH have everything and we take them everywhere and let them do all kinds of things. I am trying to remain calm about it but this last month, our girls play sports together at the high school and she will not speak to any of us. I have kept going and cheering for her, I have tried to send some light hearted text to break the ice (ignored). On one hand she is a 17 yr old girl that is brainwashed by her idiot mother, on the other hand she is 17 yr old girl and knows better than to act like this. Her mother keeps throwing up to everyone we dont make my daughter go to her dads, like the situation is the same. My daughters dad wants nothing to do with her, stands her up, tells her he is coming and never does. My husband has been her father most of her life and she has accepted that. It breaks my heart for my husband bc he finally started acting like a dad and not a "baby sitter" for his own child and her mother pulls this. What would you do??
Write her off and ignore her
Write her off and ignore her until she decides to grow up.
I would put my foot up BM and
I would put my foot up BM and SD16's asses with the meanest killer shark lawyer I could find. BM would rue the day she tried to withhold my daughter from me and the teen would be mortified to be dragged out of whatever place she tried to hide to avoid visitation.
Their last two years until the kid turns 18 would be a living hell for both of them.
Control is so much easier on the person forcing it so it may as well be you and DH taking control and applying every available consequence on both of these toxic harpies rather than tolerating their crap.
I like your style, this was
I like your style, this was my first route, then the lawyer pretty much told us it didnt matter what we did in our state after the age of 14 they can choice to go or not to go. So basically we would pay and fight for our day in court, for when we get there her stand there and asy she doesnt want to come and he will not make her. He did sign the paper work in hopes the SD comes back around whenever she grows up and just let the BM screw herself out of child support for being irrational.
Irritating but at least you
Irritating but at least you don’t have to continue to fund the idiocy.
Disengage, have no
Disengage, have no communication or ANYTHING to do with her. That means not attending any sport events, making any purchases, giving her any rides, no contact whatsoever. She would be a nonfactor in my life. If she wants to give everyone her @ss to kiss so be it, but don't entertain her disrespectful behavior. Even if it means ghosting her very existence. Life is short darlin' and to waste another moment dealing with this utter bullshit is not worth losing your sanity. Focus on your daughter and creating a stronger marriage with your H and keep it movin'. She's a irrelevent as far as your concerned.
Similar situation here
We had a small issue with SD17 last year, BM took it as her chance to turn SD against us. It got so bad I though DH was going to have a heart attack. He was then diagnosed with depression and anxiety. We had to back off at that point and hope when she’s older she will realise she has been manipulated and lied to by BM.
We have seen her 3 times in a year and each time just to pick up money or a gift then she made an excuse and left. I’ve been in her life since she was 1, we have 3 kids too (her Half siblings) she just doesn’t care. It’s so sad, but there’s not much you can do.
I am REALLY new here, what
I am REALLY new here, what does DH stand for (? Husband). Yall are better people than us, bc if she keeps ghosting us completley I sure am not giving her money or any gifts. Is that terrible?
DH = Dear Husband
DH = Dear Husband
Link to the abbreviations:
https://www.steptalk.org/faq#a2
First of all, what you do
First of all, what you do with your daughter regarding her dad, is none of BM's business, I wouldn't even trip on that.
Second, I would wonder about a lawyer who thinks that a judge would terminate a parent's visitation and let him out of child support without a damn good reason and somebody else lined up to pay. Besides, what is the age of emancipation in your state? Is your SD 16 or 17 (or 16, close to 17, maybe?).
My SD stopped coming over for good when she was 16. We were so sick of the drama with her and BM, DH did not fight it, wasn't much he could do, at that point, anyway. He continued to pay CS until SD emancipated herself by getting married at 18.
Trying to force a 16/17 year old to come over for visitation just doesn't work. A judge may not enforce visitation but I doubt it would be officially terminated, either, and neither will the child support (until the state mandated age).
Steppedonanddone, I’m new
Steppedonanddone, I’m new here as well and what you just described is the reason I stopped living with my boyfriend of nearly 7 years and his now 13 year old youngest child of 4, a daughter.
There have been multiple incidents but it basically boils down to the fact that no one cares to parent this child. I am no longer going to constantly be “the bad person” in situations such as when suggesting that her phone be taken from her at 8pm when she was 10 because she stayed on it regularly until 2am and was failing her class. I was told that it was not my business, the ex got involved and said the daughter “doesn’t like me” because I’m “mean” and you can imagine how it went downhill from there....my final straw was the child raising her hand to hit me and saying “you better be careful.” when she was 11. I have grown sons of my own and know how to handle these situations but it’s amazing how much respect is lost in trying to fill those stepparent roles in dysfunctional families.