Feeling Guilt - wishing SD and BM would just disappear.
A couple weeks ago was the meeting at the therapy school for SD14, unlike the first meeting she kept her composure and even stated that as much as she wanted to go to the regular high school she knew at this time the therapy school was where she needed to be. The school stated that she needs to have a period of time without any incidents before they would consider her for transfer but the fact that she utilizes all of the services at the school and may continue to do means she may be there until she either a) drops out of school or b) graduates.
Both DH and I can breathe a bit for the time being, even if she isn't in our home the fact that she is passing her classes (with c's but sure beats failing all classes with 30 averages) she is going to school (she missed over 50 days last year on BM's watch) and she knows this is where she needs to be is all baby steps.
I decided to respond to her text a few weeks back that I wrote about pior. On my own and in my way, the way I would always speak with her. I kept putting the focus back on her and her father needing to spend time together and I was taking a step back. That she is cared, loved and wanted but it wasn't my place to try to fix their relationship and I mentioned to her that just because she decides to maybe heal her relationship with her father doesn't mean she then has to start spending 50% of her week in our home again (honestly I don't want her to) that she is 14 and we cannot drag her out of her mothers house and even if it was a few days per month, or a couple nights for dinner and games/movies etc. I knew she wouldn't respond. It's okay, I planted a seed and I cannot be the one she blames for not seeing her father (because the excuses keep happening no matter what)
While this is all great, she is still dating an 18 year old which BM is okay with (no proof of sex so we cannot really do much) she is posting pics of her with booze (after she told her dad that he cannot drink around her because BM likes to inflate DH's drinking to being problematic instead of it being he deals with them) and she is still vaping and consuming cannibus.
I keep encouraging DH to reach out to her, he has twice in the last two weeks and with no response from her, both times he is asking if she would get dinner with him or something else. I feel bad, I know this is killing him to be rejected by his daughter but I hate seeing him hurt, I hate the heartache all this brings to him so I dont want to encourage him to reach out because it leads to more disappointment. I am so torn lately, but keep reminding him that the only thing that may bring her back is her maturing, she just cannot process rationally everything and as long as her mother has this much influence over her I don't see it happening.
I honestly wish she and her mother would move far the hell away and just let DH have some peace as BM involves him enough but at the same time talks shit about him to his daughter. I wish they would both disappear. My feelings of empathy and compassion for this kid have diminished and I just resent her, and with that comes a crap load of guilt for being disgusted by her and her actions.
Yeah, I struggled a lot with
Yeah, I struggled a lot with all of that when SS was totally alienated. Now that he's back, he's still so enmeshed with BM, and while I don't hate him, I just feel like it's hopeless: he will never not be enmeshed with her and never have anything but a superficial relationship with DH. Sad for DH but we've built a happy life and can survive if that's the case.
I'd suggest he not invite her places but just reach out and say hi, or tell her something he thinks she might find interesting or whatever. When this happened with us (BM said SS was "reaching out"), it took months before DH actually saw him.
Patience and playing the long game are the key to surviving PA.
it's so hard to know what the
it's so hard to know what the right move to make is, its all trial and error. DH was just reaching out saying hi and he missed her for awhile then he thought that maybe she was ready (based on a 20 minute interaction he had with her) he moved to trying to see her for more than 20 minutes in the driveway.
I am just letting him handle it but whenever he goes to send a message to her he likes to read it to me and ask "does this sound good" and then he sends it.
I know, DH did that with me
I know, DH did that with me too. And I will own, that for a while, I really, really wanted to fix it for him and would advise what to say, etc. But now I usually just say, "Whatever you think is best". Sometimes I give him advice when he's feeling down about stuff (if I have it to give, sometimes feeling down is the right way to feel!) but mostly I just stay out of it.
My DH hated being ignored, he preferred the snarky responses he'd sometimes get from SS. I preferred the silence myself.
If I remember right, we have
If I remember right, we have been in similar situations with our SDs moving out and the pain it left for our DHs. My SD is 16 and angrily moved out in March. It was a bit ugly for several months, but at this point things seem to be tentatively ok. At first DH kind of chased her, reaching out every day, inviting her often to dinner, saying he missed her, etc. I feel like that pushed her away more, made her feel like she had leverage over him to then make demands like he should pay her each month since she's no longer using our utilities. He eventually started to see that he wasn't fixing anything by trying so hard, and was upset by how she was treating him, so he stepped back and gave her some space. They have slowly started talking over the last couple months, she has actually reached out to him for advice a few times, usually responds when he calls or texts, and has invited him to a couple things like homecoming pictures and awards banquets. Just last night she brought her boyfriend to meet us for a last minute dinner with my husband's family, and it was really nice, the most time we had spent in a long time. I am hopeful that maybe things are on a positive track. I feel guilt for saying it, but I think it has relieved a lot of pressure for her to not live here, for all of us. DH can't compete with BM and now doesn't have to, SD seems more relaxed being in one home, and I don't feel the resentment from having negative things go on in my house daily. Her moving out is not what we wanted, but I am hoping that maybe we can come out the other side with better relationships instead of dragging through the same negative cycles. I guess what I am saying is that there is hope for something good out of all this pain. I am not convinced the other shoe isn't going to drop at some point, but for now I am going to appreciate the hopefulness.
Last night SD messaged DH and
Last night SD messaged DH and said "School is going better, I am working real hard, I am free Mon, Tue, or Wed for dinner" WOW
It will just be them, as much as it makes me feel off that I am not going to be involved I think they really need to figure out them before I am back in the picture again and I told her this in the message I sent her last week. I do worry that nothing she says to him will be true, she never felt very comfortable speaking with him prior to the refusal to be in our lives and our home, she always talked to me about things because it was weird talking to her dad.
Also he won't be able to parent like he did prior, so does he mention the boyfriend, does he mention her posting pics of her drinking, or the fact that she is vaping? I think no since the minute he does this she will check out again. it's really so unfair that he cannot parent her but I think this will be the best. Because the most I think we can hope for is that she comes around a few times a month, maybe just dinner, maybe we all do something together.
But I think she REALLY didnt want to be in our home anymore or bouncing back and forth (she was with us Sunday to Wed then at her mothers Wed night to Sunday morning) and she does whatever she wants at her moms. The months leading up to her refusal were TOUGH and not fun by anymeans. Maybe Dad just needs to the be visitation dad, spending some time together but not really the enforcer of rules. I know the guilt all to well because before her behavior went downhill last year I was very close to SD and I missed her when she wasn't with us, now the idea off her being around brings me anxiety and I am trying to work through that. I know she won't be in our home 50% of the time again, it just wont happen.
So maybe just maybe the message I sent her last week sort of planted a seed, that is all I can hope for that she knows I don't hate her, that she is welcome in our home but she first needs to work things out with her dad.