Separate your finances. Build a budget plan and absolutely stick to it. In the budget you and DH figure out the cost and division of your daily routine household expenses (mortgage, grocery, utilities ect). His money pays his share (plus his daughter's) and you pay your share (nothing on your side goes toward the SD).

If Dad on his own or with the help of BM can afford things like spring break and apartments for their daughter? Fine. Let them be fools and pay all this unnecessary things and activities for their little princess. It is not your responsibility to pay for any of this (whether you approved of the activity and/or move or not is a non-issue...keep your personal moral feelings out of it. It's pure finances. Period.)

At least the young lady's parent managed to have enough sense to put the SD on birth control. Again, don't discuss your personal feelings of teenage sex. It's a non-issue (she's not your child to raise or your responsibility). If the parents like pretending, that's on them. As long as the boyfriend isn't sleeping over and/or having sex in your house, let her parents worry (or not) over what she does on snow days. Less for you and DH to argue about. You can't care more than the parents do. It's unhealthy for you to stress-out over what you can't control.

However what you can control is your own finances and what goes on in your home. Until the SD moves out she needs to have expectations. Rules and household responsibilities. She is just short of 18. Eighteen hits and she can move out immediately if Dad doesn't have rules and expectations in place. There is no reason a young lady this age can't do household chores prior to her running out the door to her friends houses. You are not this SD's maid (nor your DH's) and you shouldn't be acting like one to either of them.

Currently you're just throwing up your hands and saying 'there is nothing I can do, I have no say'. You do have say in your home as to some of this and especially over finances. If Daddy wants to put his own personal spending money up in fire with a careless Disney Daddy match, that's his problem. But not one dime of your own money goes to support one bit of this foolish. That is something you can and must control. If you're allowing your money to be a part of what's going on with this girl and what her parents allow her to do, stop that right now. The wallet of stepmom is now firmly closed.

I completely understand your first paragraph. I was older when I met DH and I had an adult daughter. I thought I was done raising kids too so knowing he had a 4 year old was a huge issue. Plus, BM decided to leave SD with us full time because that was the easy thing for HER to do. So now, I've spent the last 7 years raising a kid I had no intention of raising full time and I've hated my life ever since. I don't remember the last time I genuinely smiled or laughed.

I don't think you're too strict, you just have different values than her parents and are confronted with that constantly. Normally we select out people whose values are so different because it is uncomfortable to watch.

I think you have two issues. The first is watching your money being spent in a way you disapprove of. Take steps to get control back over your own funds.

The second is knowing that you married a man whose values you don't respect. I don't know what to tell you about that.

You have every right to be "old school" and traditional with the rules under your own roof. I don't get why some people think it's so wrong for the SM to be strict with her own house rules. Bioparents are allowed to set rules for anyone living in their house. Bioparents are notorious for saying, "It's my rule. If you don't like it, you are free to leave. It's my rule because I said so and I'm the parent." There doesn't need to be a "good reason."

This comment was BS: "I'm not surprised she doesn't want to ever be home, given your desire to be so strict with her for no good reason." I guess some people have lower standards. Again, a bioparent doesn't need to have a good reason for their rules so why should the SM?! My 25 year old daughter knows that if she lived with me full time, she would be required to live by my rules. I don't understand why some people think that SMs are required to be more lenient and more accommodating to the skids.

Don't ever feel guilty for your rules or your money...I wouldn't approve of what your SD does either and I sure as hell wouldn't pay for a lifestyle I don't approve of!! Don't go against your own morals. You're in the minority by having morals and not believing in pre-marital sex. I applaud you for that!! Stick to your guns.

I am one that totally understands EXACTLY how you feel. The sd is good, polite, makes good grades, all of that but, she throws a fit to live off campus in her own apartment when money could be saved with her living at home. I am assuming you and your dh finances are together and therefore you feel you have no voice with respect to finances. You feel like the tail is wagging the dog. The sd birthday is coming up and instead of waiting for a gift from her parents she TELLS her parents what they will provide her for her birthday. You have no voice. If the sd were paying her way she would choose to live at home to save money but because DADDEE is paying she wants her own party house apartment with her friends.

For myself, I found it very aggravating that skids were kids when it was convenient to be a kid, and were adults when it is convenient to be an adult. As a kid they can't pay there own way, as an adult you cant tell them they cant have sex & parties.

I lived it and survived but it wasn't easy. I had no voice and I was very angry about it but nothing I said or did changed anything. Sorry, I wish I had advise for you but I don't. I send you hugs)))

Pssssttt...*some* teens are having sex. Maybe even *most* teens...but not all. Don't throw them all in the same pit of trash, please!

I agree with what others said...keep your money out of it. If the bioparents can't afford what she wants, she gets a job. I was working by 16 and before that, worked for my dad. My 13son can't WAIT to turn 14 and get a job. They have to have a need for money, and if bios are throwing it at her she will never work.

I don't understand what you want, though. You don't want her there, but you think they should save money by making her live at home. See the problem? I would let them figure it out while I open a nice bottle of wine. I'm sure you're over 21, it's okay to have a glass

i dont think OP wanting the kid to live at home and commute to college vs having an apartment has anything to do with not allowing the child to grow up. its a financial decision. if i had a bio who went to school nearby id want the same thing. If they want the apartment THEY can pay for it.

You say the problem is you feel you don't have a voice. Here's the dirty little secret about being a stepmom - you don't have a voice. You have ZERO say over that child, except what her parents allow you. You just don't.

Now, that being said, you DO have a say in your marriage. You can, and should, have a voice with your husband. So what do you want to say to him? And no, it can't be "make your child do what I want". "I want her to move out"? "I won't pay for her to live in an apartment"? Figure out what you WANT, and what you're WILLING TO DO, and go from there. So far, mostly what I've read is that you think the girl is immoral. That tells me nothing about what you want to DO, and if that's all your telling your DH then he's going to shut you down.

So, once you've got a list of "here's what I want MY HOUSE and MY LIFE to look like from now on" (not HERS, you've got no say there, focus on YOURS), then you talk to DH. Try talking first. If that doesn't get you anywhere, then you go to actions. Maybe it's splitting your finances. Maybe it's splitting the workload of the house (he's responsible for his own laundry and his daughters, for example). Maybe it's getting an alarm system that you set before you go to bed - and if someone isn't in the house by X time then they are not to return until morning. But your first step is to figure out that list of what YOU are willing to do and contribute. Anything not on that list is up to your DH and the BM to do on their own.

Separate your finances if you have joint finances that you can not agree on, like her own college apartment and ask DH for a post-nup so in case the marriage fails your money is protected because he will have blown all of his on Princess. It is hard to hammer down on someone that isn't your own kid, but whatever she does outside the house you will have to turn a blind eye to however what she does or doesn't do in YOUR house is fair game. Talk to your DH about house rules, chores and expectations and let him know that if she is gown up enough to become pregnant while she lives her she grown up enough to get her own place to play house because it is not happening under your roof. Even if she is on the pill these kids don't take the pill on time or regularly which can cause pregnancy more so then not taking it at all. If I had a teenage daughter who was having sex I would set her up for the del-shot (3 month protection) or the implant ( 5 year protection). Thankfully I have an 18 year old son, who is a total nerd and is still a virgin, i think he is saving himself for marriage.