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Feel like Cinderella

samellis1's picture

Hi, I'm brand new to this forum, and never thought I'd end up here, but I guess it's a sign of how frustrated I am.

I'm sure mine is a common story, but I need advice or at least a supportive place to vent! }:)

I am 46, married for 5 years (second marriage), with no children of my own and 2 stepchildren, 17 and 14. My marriage is basically strong, I love my stepchildren dearly and we have a good relationship. People always comment on how "natural" we all seem together and what a good relationship has developed between me and them. I honestly think I would have no problem throwing myself in front of a bus to save them - really, I love them deeply.

HOWEVER...my husband is a big softie, a "Disney Dad," I saw somebody brilliantly call it, and these kids are very, very spoiled and complete slobs. They destroy the house when they're here and I spend all day and all night - after working 60 hours a week - trailing them, picking up after them, plus cooking all of their meals and doing all their laundry because they literally have not been taught how to do anything for themselves. Their BM is rich and had a live-in nanny in NYC for them until they were 13!! Grotesque.

By contrast, I grew up middle class in a small town in Ohio. My parents grew up poor. They raised my sister and me to do chores every day - nothing punishing, just the basics: tidy your room, hang up wet towels in the bathroom, flush the toilet (!), put the cap back on the toothpaste...set the table, do the dishes, help with the laundry, walk the dogs, and so on. Normal stuff. These two kids, on the other hand...are Tasmanian Devils!! We have a very nice home and my husband and I both work very, very hard to provide them a beautiful home and give them basically everything they could possibly want. (I know, I know - that's the basis of the problem, probably.) We just renovated their bathroom and bedrooms and yet they leave clothes, dirty dishes, and stuff EVERYWHERE. Dirty socks on furniture (one of my pet peeves). Retainers for teeth on the KITCHEN COUNTER!! Dirty, used Kleenex all over the beds and floors. Really gross. Every drawer and cupboard left open, always. Mini-fridge door...leave it open, run up the electric bill. If the A/C is on, leave the doors open! Run it up some more. Leave nice, new, fluffy cotton towels all over the bathroom floor - wet - so you can only use them once. Why worry? Stepmom will pick 'em up and launder them. Take a bottle of aloe vera gel out of the bathroom, put it in your bedroom, promptly lose the cap, let it fall over and spill on the nice hardwood floor. A 17-year-old girl doing stuff like that! I have actually found tubes of toothpaste - with the cap off - on their beds that have brand new, nice linens. Who does that?! How does a tube of toothpaste even end up on the bed? When you've got your own bathroom with plenty of storage, medicine cabinet, etc.?!

They never, ever, ever put anything back. Nothing. They won't put their clean clothes away in their dressers - just pile them on their beds and then of course they fall onto the floor and get co-mingled with the dirty clothes and then - PRESTO! - Cinderella or the weekly cleaning woman washes it all again, wasting electricity, water, soap and, most importantly, time.

I could go on and on. Honestly, they are REALLY DIRTY. And even though I do call them out on stuff, they just grumble at me and carry on - they never learn, never try to do better. It's like they're trying to punish me. Maybe they are. And I don't think I'm a neurotic clean freak. I do like to keep the house in decent shape; it's a beautiful house on a lake and I've worked hard for it and, yes, I'd like it to be basically clean. But I'm not asking them to make their beds every morning and stuff. I just think they should have some basic, good habits - some routine chores, a sense of understanding that money doesn't grow on trees so take care of stuff...and some understanding of how when you're in a family you have to think about other people, not just yourself. And maybe you have to respect shared spaces and pitch in to keep the household running.

Sounds so simple! So basic. BUT...husband is a Disney Dad who feels so guilty about the divorce (even though it was a mutual decision) that he spoils these kids rotten and I am not allowed to say ANYTHING about this stuff. All he does is entertain them, never parents them. Tennis, swimming, croquet, shopping, outdoor movies...every day is a big party, with Cinderella making sure there's good food, their favorite drinks, plenty of toilet paper and fresh towels, etc.

Sometimes when I express frustration he will agree with me and say, "That's gross! I'll talk to him" or whatever But usually he just fumes at me and stomps away, as though I am being unreasonable. And I really don't think I am. I am TIRED. I run a consulting firm; I have 8 employees and clients all over the world. It's hard work. I work hard. And then I start this double-shift in the evenings/weekends and it's just exhausting. I do tell the kids directly to pick stuff up, help me with the dishes, etc. But usually when I do that they then SULK the rest of the day, as though I have just "punished" them for something. And I don't think it's fair that I have to be the 'heavy' and never their father. I feel like I've got enough of a bad stigma already, being the dreaded "evil stepmother" that it doesn't seem fair to me to have to give them even more reason to resent me (i'm not sure if they do, but you know what I mean). I think it's totally unfair that steps don't get the benefits of being a BM - I have no say in the big decisions - around their education, medical stuff, legal/financial stuff, friends/social stuff, their schools and friends' parents ignore me, etc. etc. - yet we still have to do the yucky parenting stuff (see above). So because of that I have always asked my husband to be the "heavy" with them.

But he won't. Because apparently his kids are precious...perfect...impossible to criticize....

And I'm increasingly a "NAG."

It's so unfair!

HELP!:-(

oldone's picture

If your DH doesn't want his precious princesses to do anything tell him it is HIS job to pick up after their skanky asses.

justbreathe26's picture

Stop cleaning up after them, leave the mess (even if it annoys the heck out of you) and let the DH see it. With you cleaning up behind them he never has to see the mess or realize how bad it is getting. He needs to man up and tell the girls they need to shape up or ship out. That is unacceptable. You need to let the laundry sit, the toothpaste hang on the bathroom and the towels on the floor. Let them run out of clean clothes and leave the doors hanging open. You need to retreat to your bedroom for a couple of days when home and pretend to NOT notice. Let them run out of toilet paper and see how they like it (trust me, that will only happen once). Good luck to you.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Either DH cleans up after them or DH pays for a live in cleaner and cook to take care of them. If you do it, why should DH change anything. Things are running well for him and his kids aren't they. He needs to suffer the consequences of HIS kids actions. He may have created lazy selfish children, however, your supporting their laziness. Stop picking up after them.

samellis1's picture

Thank you, all. I expected that the advice would be, "Stop picking up after them!" And I think that's right. It's just that, how do you do it when it's SOOOOO ANNOYING to me to see such filth? Case in point: this morning my stepson made a bowl of cereal, ate 2 bites, left bowl AND the milk on the counter! And the door to the mini-fridge was open again! I couldn't chase him because he had already left the house. What should I have done? Let the milk rot and the fridge run on overdrive (it's supposed to be 94 degrees today!).

I am not pushing back on your advice - just honestly asking what to do in those particular situations. I think I'll need a prescription for Valium or something to let the milk sit out! But if that's what it takes....

Thank you!

momto3's picture

Do we have the same step kids?? Not that my own kids are even better. I know your frustration...it's easy for people to say don't do it & I honestly wish I could. But you're right, you can't leave milk out to rot. I do make them come back in & pick the stuff up (or clean it up), but it never seems to sink in. Toothpaste all over the bathroom sink, emply toilet paper roll, retainers on the counter, dirty tissues on the bedroom floor, half empty cups on the counter hours after they're finished with them....it's endless.

samellis1's picture

Dirty tissues! Everywhere! Why can't they use the wastebaskets that are everywhere?? And how about this one: grab a new can of Mountain Dew, take one sip, leave it to go flat on the counter...open another one 3 hours later. Repeat.

Makes me insane!

But, what to do about Disney Dad??? How to motivate him to a) see the effect this is having on me and b) start parenting so I don't have to be the evil heavy?!

emotionaly beat up's picture

At 17 and 14 they are way too old to be doing this. Are they deliberately trying to get to you. Are they enjoying your reactions. As for the fridge. You could have closed it sure. Running that all day you ran the risk of burning out the motor setting fire to the house and costing a fortune n electricity. The milk. I would have let it spoilt
Had a hidden stash for myself and let my DH and skids go without.

You are your own worst enemy here. You are not helping yourself. Are you afraid of standing up for yourself with your husband for fear of causing an arguement. Because if that is what's at the root of this, you need to address that problem before you worry about the skids.

Allowing yourself to be treated like Cinderella, makes you feel like Cinderella. The power to change this lies within you, not the skids. Until you change what your doing, they won't change what they're doing.

samellis1's picture

Thank you all for the tough, honest feedback!

Based on the comments so far, I think the bottom line here is that, I need to be the 'heavy' because Dad will never be and unless I accept that and start being more firm, more often, and more direct with them then it's never gonna get better. If they think I'm a Nagging Evil Stepmother instead of just an Evil Stepmother, well that's the price I gotta pay. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to be the heavy because it doesn't feel fair to be, but, hey, sounds like it's the way it's gotta be. think it's worth it to save my sanity.

I'm open to hearing any and all comments on this - so keep 'em coming!!

emotionaly beat up's picture

Yep, you have to be the heavy because these kids don't have a mum OR a dad who knows how to parent their children in order to bring them up to be self sufficient., self supporting, independent, well adjusted, employable adults. So you have two choices here, live with it. Or be the heavy. They have to live in your house YOUR WAY. The power really is all yours. But mum and dad aren't changing here. Another irresponsible adult in their lives is not what they need. So decide what you can and cannot live with and do it your way.

samellis1's picture

Thanks - that's really helpful, when you put it that way - that I'm basically becoming "another irresponsible adult in their lives." God knows, that's not what I want to be for them. Thank you!

emotionaly beat up's picture

It is plain not right for parents to hand over the responsibility for teaching their children how to be independent, how to live with others, how to respect other people's feelings and property. It is irresponsible on the part of the parents, it is unfair to their kids when parents fail in this duty they have towards their children. It is even more unfair when they hand this responsibility over to someone else. It is unfair to the kids, no child needs 3 parents, and it leads understandably to resentment on the part of the kids towards the person who is left to teach them how to function in the world. It is unfair to the stepparent who is forced to become the pseudo parent in order to keep their own sanity. In order to protect their property from damage by these kids, and in order that they can live in a neat, tidy and odour free home. It sets stepparent and child against each other. The child resents the stepparent, the stepparent resents the child. Given enough resentment, hate soon follows. Why parents feel sitting back and allowing their children to grow into ferral undisciplined dirty pigs that people don't like and don't respect is beyond me. Why they are too selfish and lazy to bring their children up to be the best people they can possibly be is something I will never understand.

That being said as the outsider what do you do. Mum and dad are fine with this, they are too busy trying to be the parent the kids like best to worry about the appalling childish behaviour of their children impacts on others, and to be honest, they do know, they just don't care. They want to be the most liked parent at all costs. Even if it means emotionally crippling their kids and making sure NO employer would want them,. Given they care so little about their own flesh and blood, their children, why would they care about you. They don't. All parents like this care about is themselves. You need to look after yourself, your sanity and your home here. No one else is going to. Your husband is a lazy, like me best parent, and his kids, well lets be honest, mum and dad let them do nothing, give them no responsibility, and expect nothing from them, why would they give that up. Nice life. Well so they think, and it probably is in the short term. But in the real world, getting an employer who wants to employ your unable to think for yourself lazy bum, or a partner who wants to live with it, that is not going to be the easy ride mum and dad gave you. So, in doing what's best for you here, in expecting a basic standard of manners, personal hygiene and cleanliness in your home, you are actually helping those kids.

My husband and his ex were both lazy useless parents. They lived in filth, their children were not even taught to see please and thank you. The consequences of this. He has three children in their thirties who are living with people they don't want to live with but have to because they don't know the difference between an invoice and a receipt, the truly cannot live independently. They stick with each other, they as adults have been unable to form friendships with other adults because no one, myself included, likes them. They are users and takers, they were raised to be this way. Well done mum and dad, great job.

My husband blamed his ex wife for the filthy living conditions. But the truth is, he wanted his kids to like him best, so he to allowed them to be filthy and lazy, he too didn't teach them manners, he too gave them everything including cars, and expected nothing in return, not even a thank you (seriously), he raised them to be lazy, selfish, and rude. He turned them into spoilt brats with an over inflated sense of entitlement, who think everyone else needs to do for them, they to this day have not a clue how to do for themselves. They grew up with two parents who had an unhappy marriage, but stayed for the kids they claim. Well that's not true, I know my husband stayed till his kids grew up, well reached an age were they SHOULD have been grown up, because his Italian, catholic guilt made him, and he wanted to look good, stuff the impact on his kids growing up in a dysfunctional home where mum and dad hated each other. Mum I expect stayed because dad was getting good money and she was too lazy to work. She too had been raised as a do nothing, get everything lazy spoilt child. Raised as an only child by an elderly aunt and uncle.

All the drama, frustration and heartache that flows through this site could easily have been avoided if parents realsed they arent supposed to be their kids BFF, took on the responsibilities that go with making a baby, did their jobs, and weren't selfish,

emotionaly beat up's picture

Now all you have to do is stick to it. See, the Power To fix this does lie with you, and you don't have to even lift a finger. Just leave it long enough to impact on your DH. Bet he wouldn't want his friends to pop in for a visit and see the house looking like this. Sometimes you just have to let people fall.

Not.A.Clue's picture

Wow. Déjà vu. I recently 'recovered' from that very same situation. I did all of the suggested comments. I disengaged and left the cleaning up to DH and the teenaged SDs. We ended up with bugs (gnats & ants). I have pictures of what they considered to be acceptable cleaning standards (food in drawers for weeks, etc.). I offered to help teach proper cleaning habits but I merely became frustrated to see our (my) hard-earned money being thrown away with fingernail polish on VERY nice furniture/bedding and a new laptop (that was also missing keys after 2 months). I ignored the problem but then I was unable to allow my parents/friends from out-of-town to visit because I was embarrassed to put them in a smelly, bug-infested, arm pit reeking, fungus multiplying bedroom or bathroom. I was NOT raised to live that way.

I honestly believed DH would eventually step up but he did not. He was very neat and clean with his/my living areas though. I'll never forget the time our next door neighbors visited and used the front bathroom (the one used by the SDs). I later walked in and nearly vomited when I noticed the phenomenal growth in the toilet and shower. DH pooped in there every morning and apparently the fantastic science project went unnoticed.

At one point I simply stated that I was going to hire someone to clean the SDs bedrooms and bathroom and it would have to come from DHs over-inflated church tithing budget and he nearly came unglued. The situation improved briefly. They all went away one weekend and I made it my mission to get that bathroom clean. I was absolutely mortified when I noticed petrified poop smears on the toilet seat. I took a picture to send to DH and his response, "Did you smell it? I'm sure it is just chocolate." Really? :jawdrop:

Nope. It never did get better. Finally last February the clan again left for the weekend and I went to tackle that bathroom and I just couldn't face it anymore. I packed some clothes and left. A couple of weeks later when I came in to retrieve the rest of my belongings with friends, they could not stand the stench. The older SD NEVER took a bath. The entire house smelled of musty armpit. Gross. I didn't even want my furnishings I brought with me into the marriage - too polluted.

It got worse if anything in my situation. I rarely said anything so maybe that was the problem but I didn't want to become a nag. Early on DH and I made up a chore chart and the next thing I knew the SDs were calling BM crying child abuse. I chose to travel a lot for work instead.

Sorry to vent or hijack. I used to come on this site to 'figure out what I was doing wrong'. Problem solved. I hope you are able to find a better solution. But if DH isn't willing or cooperative I don't know that you have many choices. You'll probably just get thrown under the bus.

Stepmomplan's picture

Don't give up on teaching the kids and I wish you the best on being the heavy. Ironically...I dressed as Cinderella for Halloween. Nobody knew it was symbolic. lol Blum 3 There are definitely days when I really feel like it too. Try to make it light and fun when you can so you don't drive yourself crazy.

sstepmo86's picture

Just stop! Stop doing all those things for them. Don't get them clean towels, hide your own for you and whatever else you don't want to share but let them figure it out. When they leave a mess in shared spaces grab it all and put it in their room. Make it their problem.