17.5 ss is ruining my life and marriage
This is more that a vent..I really need some good advice from someone that has gone through this and has got through it sane/happy/and still married. I married the love of my life about 9 years ago. I have one bs 16 whom is my joy in life. I have 3 sk. @ step kids are away at college. The one that is destroying my life it the 17.5 ss. He is not a bad kid, by this I mean he doesn't smoke, drink do drugs, cut, gang, etc. The problem is he is the laziest person I have ever met in my life. He does nothing but go to school and watch tv and play ps3. Getting him to help around the house doing 5 minute tasks proves to be too much for him-meaning he can't even do a 50% job. floor is wept kinda, clothes are folded kinda, and dishes are almost clean! my husband and I got custody of the 2 sons 3 years ago..it has been all down hill from there with the 17.5 year old junior. He is disrespectful, lazy, doesn't play any sports, and the boys do not have a relationship or have any contact with their bio-mom.which means he is ALWAYS here! He went to live with my husbands niece for 2 months in the summer and that was the best 2 months I have had in the last 3 years! I have tried everything to bond with this kid, including home schooling him when his bio-mom yanked his school records and was forcing him to go back to his old school-that he didn't want to go to. Long story short..My husband does nothing with this kid, doesn't hold him responsible for anything or his actions. He has the same "little" talks for the last three years, and it has done absolutely nothing. Don't tell me to take away stuff, we did that last year..took away phone, computer, xbox, ps3 and ipod(which he went in my bedroom and stole back), the more we took away the more he shut down..took him to psychologist he said he has ptsd probable and said at this age good luck...the ss would not even talk to the psychologist...I am at the end of my rope and I can't take another year and 8 months until he graduates from hs and gets out! I have told my husband how I feel and nothing ever gets done. I am thinking about walking away from my husband and marriage over this kid, because I can't stand being around him. Please help if you can thank you!
Sounds like you and DH need
Sounds like you and DH need to have a sit down come to Jesus talk with the kid. Starting with the words
"In six months you will be 18 and need to find somewhere else to live." After his head explodes you can allow him to EARN the privilege of staying in your home for the rest of his highschool years.
And MAKE him earn it.
Thank you so much for
Thank you so much for responding. he will be 18 in April but still a junior in hs because they held him back. Do you think we can/should do that? Being a junior but yes he will be 18 in April!!! I LOVE your advice... I Would LOVE to do it. He actually told my husband yesterday that he is a d*Ck and that my husband gets an "ego" trip from telling the son to do chores!
The ss told my husband that after he came back to live with us this summer after spending 2 months with my husbands niece that works at a jail handling teenagers (she thought she could "fix" him) he said he didn't want to come back and live with us (the niece didn't want him there-but he doesn't know that)He said he does not want to be here, and that the only reason he is here is because he has nowhere else to go. I understand and Love your saying...I have used it to my husband as well...thank you so much.
You are telling my story, my
You are telling my story, my friend. Welcome to the site. I am a SM to SS16.5. He's never had a day of discipline in his life. When he moved into my home a over a year ago it took almost that long to get dad to enforce taking out the trash. He *might* spend 60 minutes a week doing chores per week (after being repeatedly reminded) and dad gives him $200/month to do that! WTF!?
He's a good kid. But, as long as daddy is serving everything up on a silver platter, why bother to grow when you have all the privileges of an adult and zero responsibility at the age of 16.
Dad claims he's on his own at 18. RIGHT... we'll see.
Thank you, I was on here a
Thank you, I was on here a few years ago when I had problems with other ss. And to look back on him, I'd take his issues back any day than what I am dealing with now with this kid! Yeah I am with you. My husband says that ss is out when he graduates..yup sure...we will see..sad thing is I don't know if I can last that long or our marriage for that matter..sucks...
You're thinking of ending
You're thinking of ending your marriage because a teenager is lazy??
I think this is a symptom of a much bigger problem in your relationship, then. Maybe explore that?
Thinking on ending the
Thinking on ending the marriage because I can't tolerate living with ss and longer..he just lays around all day and all he does is cause conflict between us. that causes us to fight and argue. When ss is not here we have a great relationship. When ss was gone it was pure bliss for 2 frickn months! But I understand where you are coming from. You dont know the past 9 years of hell from their psychotic mother...and custody issues and attorney bills-yes we are paying off 10k in fees to get the kids here that the 17.5 doesn't want to be here!
Well, your DH is morally
Well, your DH is morally obligated to get him through high school at the very least... not just until he's 18. Only an asshole would throw their kid out before they'd graduated.
What happened to the "for better or for worse" part of the marriage vows? When SS is gone, it's "better." When SS is there, it's "worse."
Thank you so very much for
Thank you so very much for taking the time to help...crying now. You are very wise and right. I really have tried to let go and let my DH deal with his son but he works so much and I am left here to deal with ss. Yep, I am supposed to not be involved but who gets to cook, clean, take stuff to cleaners, pick up, buy clothes, shoes, etc. dentish/Dr. appts. I do all this for my husband that commutes and works 12hr days then comes home to our large farm and works here...I do as much as I can for him not the ss. Peace is a wonderful thing..had it when ss was gone in the summer for 3 months and whenever he is not here. He has talked about getting a job for 2 years, and after some encouragement and a little prodding on my part he actally got a few job apps and filled them out-with me getting all addresses and phone numbers...And guess who will have to take him to work..yep the evil sm....I guess it will be a trade off for having some peace around the house. SS lived with my husbands niece who works at a local jail dealing with delinquent teens, so she thought she could help him...nope she is just as messed up as ss. Yeah and she works in that department..scary huh. After the 3 months she did nothing that we had asked her to do, and she wanted more $. We couldn't pay any more...my dh said he can sit in his bedroom and rot before I pay $500 a month for him. He has already paid out $100,000 in support and $10k to get custody of ss that doesn't even want to be here. He wants to go live with cousin or grandma or aunt I am all for it if any of them would take him in. My DH on the other hand doesn't want to ask them...well DH just got home and I guess we will be talking soon...and last advice or prayers would be appreciated..thank you from the bottom of my heart friends...
Morally obligated when you
Morally obligated when you have a kid that calls husband a D*ck, and that my husband gets an "ego trip" from giving his a few chores to do? What happened to holding 18 year olds or 17.5 yr olds accountable for their actions? do you have sk? For better or worse is about the marriage not a ss that is ruining it!? Yes it is true when ss is gone it is peaceful..when he is here I am anxious, irritated and quite frankly always pissed off because he finds someway to piss us BOTH off everday-almost.
That is if he graduates as of now he has a c-. c, c, b and an "A" in gym..wow I'm impressed...call me an asshole but if it was up to me he sure runs his mouth like the big man, and refuses to do what he is asked, and you think we are the assholes...really fkcn please. I've bent backwords for all these sk and what do I have to show for it..absolutely nothing! disrespect and attitude!
The thing I would be
The thing I would be concerned about is him NOT getting out when he graduates. Being that his is this lazy, he will never make it at college or in a job. Unless your DH throws him out, he could wind up living with you for a long time.
My DH has three children who are 19, 20, and 23. All 3 of them are as lazy as your SS. On top of that they are terribly nasty. One works, only pt, and the other 2 refuse-they have never had a job. They lie around all day, eating, sleeping, and playing video games. BM has allowed them to believe that they can do what they want, when they want. DH had rules, and they do not think rules apply to them. He tried for years to set them straight, but all they want from him is cash. He does not do that anymore. The ironic thing is that BM is getting tired of them doing nothing, not working. She wants 2 of them to come here. That will never happen, because they are horrible, and even if they were nice, our home is too small. I was just married this summer, and this is one issue I will never bend on-discussed it with DH. We are not housing or supporting his kids.
The point is, unless something changes with your SS, he will never leave if your DH does not force him to. I feel badly for you, bc I can understand the strain it must be on you. But, now is the time to sit down and have that talk that was suggested.
You can say that again. I
You can say that again.
I laugh when I think about the "everyone gets a trophy" generation in the work place. No one will want to get any work done.
I also read a report last year that the military is having a hard time finding recruits because so many kids are obese now days. My youngest SS is at least 90 lbs overweight.
I feel your pain OP. I have 2 SS's and they are the laziest people I have ever met in my life. I bet they would let their Dad wipe their asses for them in they could. Mine SS are 15 and 18.
OP this is my story exactly
OP this is my story exactly except SS is 15yo. He will be out at 18 whether he or DH likes it or not - or I will be...
My SS is so frigging lazy he doesn't even wipe his ass!! We are forever going into to toilet and finding it full of unflushed turds and no toilet paper - he is a disgusting pig and that is just one of the lazy habits he has....
Thank you all for
Thank you all for responses..It is so nice to have feedback from other people that can relate. I told my husband that the ss needs to go visit grandma for the weekend...he actually did it! The break I needed-we both needed. We will have our sit-down talk and hope I can get through to my husband-because I do Love him more than anything and do not want to leave him. We have never had any problems between us except issues with his ex-wife and his kids...thank you
<3
My husband assures me that he
My husband assures me that he will kick ss out when he graduates from hs. One year and eight months away-and he will be 19! I really am not sure if I can hold on that long...
I agree with you totally. My
I agree with you totally. My husband has never parented..just too nice of a guy my mil says that his Dad was the same way, and that she had to put the hammer down on her son/kids. I have tried the disengage thing this summer for a few months then I snapped because ss got lazier, had pop cans food wrappers, candy wrappers, dirty clothes, clean clothes all over his room...and when I would fix him food he wouldn't eat it and say he wasn't hungry. I stopped doing anything special for him long ago as well. I used to cook gourmet meals and desserts nightly..that has stopped as well, except when my son is here..I try not to let my son see how disgusted I am with ss, he is well aware of ss and how he is, and my son can't stand him either. Last night/this weekend was supposed to be a romantic night for us since we dropped off ss at his grandmothers (she is aware of how ss is and wishes she could help. We started to "talk" about it and it ended up being a huge fight yelling/screaming and me hitting my husband...this is the absolute lowest point of my life as I am not the type to hit or be violent..the worst thing I have done usually is slam doors-a favorite or throw things. This has escalated out of control...I have told him I am at the end of my rope for the a long time. He will not kick him out until next school year is over, and I don't know how I am going to make it. If I had a job/money and somewhere to go I think I would leave the love of my life all because of his 17.5 son. I really think the manipulative little bastard has tried to do this to us to have his "daddy" back and me and my son out of the picture. We are supposed to have a calm talk today with no yelling on screaming..I am going to give him some ultimatums on ss, including set rules in this house and inform him that he will be out when he graduates no exceptions. Any last advice before I talk to my husband anyone? Thank you, please pray for me if you would...
Being "nice" has NOTHING to
Being "nice" has NOTHING to do with parenting.
yep, I agree with you on
yep, I agree with you on that, There is no being "nice" in parenting...It is called being a parent, leading, guiding, loving, supporting, and being firm when needed. I told my husband you are not their "buddies." I said they may hate me form not till their 40 , but I have do do what I feel is right and trying to be the best parent/step parent I can...but this ss has me just about to the point of disengaging 100%
Steps; Hello all, Iam glad to
:O Steps;
Hello all,
Iam glad to see such good advice!Iam married 6 years & DH has three 30,32,35.All
grown but were taken care of ,till at least 24.My husband has an old Resort with cabins.They all lived there, with two grand children. My DH supported them, not totally, but a good share.He could not afford it but with " Failure To Launch" any
lines or responsibilities. It is about the hardest job ever to be a step parent, step grand parent.Let alone when you come into something that has been run in the ditch.No disrespect intended. Just this one womans view & life.
lcm18, I've been where you
lcm18, I've been where you are. I almost left my marriage cause of SD now 18. She came to live with us when she was 16. BM passed and we took her in since we had joint custody. Well, what a mistake that was. She did everything to cause havoc. We even went and had her in therapy. She refused to do anything around the house, was a slob, still is, disrespectful, etc. Still is. She is now leaving for the army (boot camp) on Monday and I'm doing a happy dance. About 3 months ago, I had had enough of her attitude and told her if she didn't like things here she could leave anytime she wanted. She did. She went up to stay with HS (B) 5 hours away. She refused to come and stay with us the week before leaving for Boot camp, she's staying in a motel. Fine with me. Peace in my family. So I understand where you're coming from. If you can just put your foot down with DH and tell him to take responsibility for his son and disengage as much as you can, (that was hard for me, but I did in some ways and SD felt it) then do so. Hang in there. He should be gone by the time he's finished High School. Give him a time limit that he has to be gone, find a job and go. That's the best you can do. I understand you! I truly do.