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17 yr old SD tries to separate us to cause issues

SK25311's picture

Hello,

I have been with my partner over 4 years. She has a 17 year old daughter as a single parent, adopted her at age 3. Has never had a long term live in partner except me. SD is rude and disrespectful to everyone. It seems more than typical teenage behavior and may be some trauma from before the adoption. I make a substantial more amount of money than my partner and I have limited my career options  (turning down higher paying positions) until her daughter graduates high school. My partner is great but really hasn't enforced rules or boundaries with my SD. I came from a highly structured environment and tend to love rules and boundaries. My SD verbally and physically abused me at the start of the relationship and my partner tended to say it was a power play on the SD's part and to not give it energy. I immediately started therapy for everyone. I go to individual therapy and my partner and I go to couples counseling. SD refused to go after therapist told her that we didn't have to obey her but that we do listen to her. Now she's 17 and thinks she is pregnant and is mad that her mom told me. She said she didn't want me to know and that her mom violated her privacy. For the past month, and prior to the pregnancy thing, the SD has refused to answer my texts, refused to eat dinner with us when we get takeout that she chose (it's a rule that I will buy dinner but she has to eat with us or else she can't  order what we are getting or choose where we eat), has been extremely rude, and has told her mom she wishes I would leave. I have somewhat disengaged and have not talked to her except to pay her for walking my dog during the stay at home order. When should I start refusing to pay for her lifestyle and say hey your mom can handle this. Her mom barely makes enough to cover 1/3 of the bills and I pay the rest and for all dining out and her clothes and other expensive things she wants. Her mom and I are in the process of adopting a 1 year old and her mom doesn't want to tell her because the SD will be mad and when she's mad she acts out and makes life hard on everyone. Any advice?

Kes's picture

"When should I start refusing to pay for her lifestyle and say hey your mom can handle this".   Right now.  You shouldn't be paying for anything for someone who is abusing you like this.  In any case, biological parents would normally expect to take care of any expenses relating to their children -  this is emphatically not the the step parents' responsibility.  Of course your partner told you about the pregnancy thing - this is bizarre that SD would think it would remain a secret - if she goes ahead with it, it will vastly affect your relationship.  What do you mean about the physical abuse at the start?  

I am surprised that you are considering bringing another child into this troubled set up, and even more surprised that SD hasn't been involved from the start.  Maybe that's because you both realise she would kick off something awful at the news. But again, it is a secret that is inappropriate as it is going to affect her.  My advice would be do not go ahead with an adoption at the present time, I just can't see this working out well.  Your partner needs to review her whole attitude towards SD17 - start making her accountable, and responsible for herself.  At the moment she just behaves like a vile little dictator.  This will not serve her well in her adult life, never mind at home.  

 

shamds's picture

is a powerplay thing and not to give much air to it which is code for “i can’t and refuse to parent my kid and I don’t want the drama from enforcing basic discipline and manners because she will lose her shit”

you should not tolerate crap behaviour. She doesn’t make much money, well you shouldn’t be the scapegoat to support a disrespectful child who supposedly could be pregnant (has she been tested? Or thinks she is for attention sake)??

simifan's picture

 

I am hoping you have put your foot down and SD will be leaving at 18.