Maybe you could consider helping her find a job? She'll probably say, "oh, it will be too tough/boring. It will be too demanding." You, in turn, could point out how she'll have more $$$ to do stuff with friends, to buy things she wants, and to save for her future.

I agree with BlendedFam in that it isn't her job to contribute towards supporting your home. But at 17, she is old enough to have a job.

Or...at the very least, she is old enough to help with chores in the home so that there is less burden on you -- that way, you might feel less resentful about what you give her.

Sounds like you sneaking your stuff in with the groceries is not a plan. Perhaps you should come clean or share? My xh paid CS & whenever my daughter went to visit 3x year (via plane ride) she was told to even bring Q-tips b.c. SM said: "this isn't a f-- drugstore". Yeah, apparently SM felt my daughter shouldn't use anything or eat anything (except served meals) while visiting.

My SD17 is the same way. She has had two jobs since she was 16 and quit both of them. I honestly believe this is because she has so many things given TO her: car, insurance, iphone, volleyball fees, clothes, ipod. She doesn't need to work.

As far as providing her own toiletries, no, I don't think it's her job to do that. That's just incidentals. But extras SD17 definitely should pay for. I get irked because every time SD17 visits she gets her dad to take her shopping. And everything she needs/wants costs way more than I pay. DH will pay full price if SD points her finger at something. All her toiletries and personal hygiene products are the most expensive ones at the store. I stymied them once when SD needed shampoo and conditioner and I bought her Suave. They never asked me to get it again, but that's what MY kids use. Just not good enough for SD17, I guess.

It sounds to me like there are 3 issues:
1.Her lack of practical contribution to your home
2.Her lack of respect for your belongings
3.Her disinclination to get herself a job
These are all typical teenage bugbears, but frought with more tension when you're not the actual parent.

1. Her lack of contribution in the home per se is fuelling your resentment about her use of your products. That's understandable, running about after a teenage step-child who takes it all for granted can be frustrating. Personally I think children benefit from helping at home, it makes it a home not a hotel. Agree with your husband a few basic jobs which she is expected to do when she's with you, and make sure he enforces them. It will make you feel less resentful and make her take things for granted less. You could give her an allowance for them and kill 2 birds with one stone by removing her excuse for not buying her own luxuries.

2. Respecting your stuff: the rather dismissive early posts are ignoring the fact that there is a difference between basic household items which we provide for our children, and the special treats to which we are all entitled - whether it's nice shampoo, or a special bar of chocolate, and having some cheeky teen make off with it without even bothering to ask is annoying. If you marched into her room and used her makeup I'm sure she'd be quick to say something. As a step-parent it can feel more stressful to say 'Look, please don't take my stuff without asking' in case you look like the wicked step-mother, so putting some things away is an easy way of dealing with it without confrontation. I have done that, but then I feel like a chicken for avoiding the issue when I would have no hesitation telling my own child to keep her hands off my best stuff. So more recently I have asked my youngest SD to please not use my face mask without asking and pointed out that I don't use her things without asking. My step-children get pocket money to buy luxuries with so I don't expect them to use mine without asking! That's just good manners. Also stop feeling guilty when you add these items to the grocery shopping. Nice shampoo and decent moisturiser is not a sin!

3. Clearly it's not about whether she has a job when she's living with you, it's about whether she has a job at all. If she had a part-time job at home she would be able to buy her own luxuries and personally I think by 18 she should at least be trying to find a job. You need to put this to your husband in a positive way because he's the one that needs to pursue it, e.g. 'Don't you think it would be good for X to get a bit of work experience and get used to managing her own money'. We were really stretched to help finance my SD17 through college because my husband has 5 children from his first marriage and we already had SD18 at university. When months passed and she had still not got a part-time job to make a contribution to her living costs herself I had no hesitation in pointing out to my DH that he needed to talk to her about it. When she did eventually get herself a job we didn't reduce our contribution, but we did feel that she was making an effort and appreciating the funding she was getting a little more.

My SD 12 that is with us every two weeks thinks she gets to use my nice stuff too. Now that I am older and have my own paycheck I buy department store brand make-up and face products and salon quality hair care stuff. SD thinks she needs the same stuff I use. Not to be a bitch.. but no friggin' way. When I was growing up I used what my mother bought me. And that was that. SD has almost zero sense of personal care anyway and I'm not spending $100 a month on stuff for a 12 year old. I'm 30, my hair is thinning and I'm starting to get wrinkles. I DESERVE a little quality. At 12 you need some shampoo, conditioner, face wash and maybe some zip cream. That's it. If she wants Este' Lauder she can wait until she's in her 20's like I did. Do what I do. If something comes up missing, search her room/bathroom. She is a CHILD even if she is a teenager and it is YOUR home. I have literally stopped all activity in the house when my hair dryer came up missing, and I don't feel bad about it at all. It was stealing. You have a right to know where your things are, no matter how trivial they might seem to others. Never in my life would I have gone in my mom's bathroom and taken something without permission. I wouldn't have dreamed of doing it to a stepmother.
If it's something that she needs then YOU go out and buy them for her. If she doesn't like the brand you buy... tough cookies. Tell her to get a job and she can buy her own stuff.

My 17 year old has been responsible for her own toiletries since she was 13.

Your SD is well old enough to be responsible for her own things. I'd give her a 'starter pack' with a few disposable razors, some cheap shampoo, etc and tell her that they are for her to use. Tell her she is responsible for replacing them when they are used up.

You can do this in a gentle way, explaining that you think it's better if everyone has their own.

Regardless, she should never be using your things without asking you.

Gosh this sounds like my home except with us its my step son and he lives full time with us.

He uses all my stuff, my husband is an easy going guy and will use whatever I get him, but we are quite tight financially and I never get myself anything special, in fact the last time I even bought myself clothes was 2 years ago!! I just sew and fix. So anyway I do get myself some things once in a while like some nice shampoo or some hygiene for my face, or even just a treat to eat ... and my step son feels he can use it all.

Its so bad that I have a pad lock on my closet and on a cabinet in the kitchen where I keep things like cookies and such because if I dont he will eat them all in one night! Everything else is locked up, from paper towels to if I get soda even towels and soap is locked up!! I feel like a damn warden.
He has no care of how much he uses, he will use a whole roll of paper towel a day if I didnt hide it.

He is 17, wont work, wont help with any chores.
In fact I turned to the boards for some advice and every seem to think I should give him some room (like take away curfew and such), since then I have and he now doesnt lift a finger in my home, says thats what am for. He has his girlfriend do his laundry because I refuse to do it and eats at friends houses since I wont cook his meals.

My husband works so hard, and has since he was 13. At 17 in the summer he worked 3 jobs! My ss wont even work one. I dont know what to do, this year he is a senor and all the expenses of a senor to go with it, I wonder who will pay for him? Probably he will cry to his BM that we wont do it so she will. Its sad because my SD had to pay for it all she didnt ask for help.

I wish I had some advice for you but I dont I am living what you are just hang in there your not alone

My SD has lived with us since she was 4. I didn't mind contributing my earnings to help support her after all, she was 4 & BM was not at all in the picture. My SD is now 16.5 and not working, never had a job. I told my husband that I got my first job when I was 14 and have since paid for my own haircuts, makeup, clothes, etc while at I lived at home for free. Meaning, I didn't pay my parents rent nor give them money for SMUD or PG & E. They were just happy that I worked and went to school... Then there's my SD, who has been so spoiled and treated like a prima-donna since day one. Sympathy of her BM not being in the picture has gotten old!

I created an excel spreadsheet of all of the fastfood restaurants that are walking distance from our house and gave it to my SD to start filling out. I these made columns: EMPLOYER NAME; DATE APPLICATION PICKED-UP; DATE APPLICATION DROPPED-OFF; OUTCOME OF APPLICATION. I gave this spreadsheet to my SD in mid July, mind you. Here we are... mid Sept and she has not even had one interview! It pisses me off that her dad allows her to do whatever the fu$% she wants without showing any effort in looking for a job. She went out this last Friday & slept over a friend's out Saturday nite. My hubby says that she uses money given to her by her great grandma to go out. Must be nice. I told my husband that I agreed that she live at home rent-free but she needs to use her own earned money to go clothes-shopping, gas, haircuts, etc since she is old enough to work & very much able-bodied. I AM DONE.

I talked to my SD again yesterday. I told her point-blank, that she needs to put 100% effort in finding a PT job because she's going to pay for her own car insurance. Our car insurance will go up by $100 as soon as my SD get her driver's license. I'm already out thousands of dollars of my own money that helped to raise her since she was 4. My student loan has suffered since I put a forebearance on it to help support this kid who is now a teen. We basically shop enough food to feed 3 adults & 1 child (I have a 7 yr old son with my hubby). Our grocery bill for 1 week is almost $200; it's so expensive. My hubby's ex has not sent one red cent to us and my hubby won't go after her for back child-support either. It's so unfair. I can't wait til my SD goes off to college in another town 1.5 yrs from now. I keep telling myself to hang in there. Good luck with your situation. You really should say something to you SD to get a summer job or something; have your husband involved in the conversation. You guys might even want to get her lined up for a summer job when she visits next time. Lucky YOU, she doesn't live with you full-time. I am ever so envious of you even though your hatin life right now.