starting to dislike stepkids

Forums:

I don't really know where to start with this, when i met my wife, she had two young boys. I was unsure about being a step father, but everything was going smoothly, kids really liked me, and still do. Which is why I'm confused as to why I find myself not liking them more and more. They were young when my wife and I married, ages 3 and 6, they have different bio-dads. the oldest bio is not in the picture at all, never met him , seen him, neither has the child. the youngest kids bio is always stirring up shit, and trying to put on a front like he loves his kid, but honestly doesn't care about the kid, at all. AND I DO MEAN AT ALL, he is a drunk that uses the child as a way of controlling my wife. But on his weekends with the kid, he makes his mother watch them, never spends time with the kid, doesn't even buy them gifts for Xmas or birthdays.

Now that you have a basic understanding of the situation, here is how life has gone so far. Since day one, I have lived my life to make my wife and her children's life better.I knew i could never love them like they were my own, I told her that and made it clear. I have no bio kids, but I know if I did things would be diff. The kids love me, think Im the greatest thing ever. I play with them, teach them about the world...you know typical parent stuff. But over the last year, we are getting fewer and fewer breaks from the kids, we don't have time to do anything without them, no one will watch them, and if we don't have the kids, im so tired and depressed about them always being around I don't feel like doing anything. And she always puts them before me, failing to realize that without me they have nothing, but still neglects my needs . If im doing so much for them why shouldn't I have anything for myself ever, some bit of happiness? Its always the kids need this, they need that, meanwhile I haven't had any new clothes in 2 years, No real breaks from them, they are always around, and they are not mine. I find myself wanting them to go away and wont talk to them when they get home from school. Should I just get a divorce? Its to the point even hearing their voice or knowing they will be home from school angers me. We can never do anything because we have them hanging around our necks like an albatross , I want a life with my wife without them, flat out. But the kids love me, and I find myself despising her and the kids for making me so unhappy, and being so ungrateful. everything they do irritates me to no end now, any advise?

Get into marriage counseling.

Get into marriage counseling. The kids aren't the problem.

I agree with OC, I don't

I agree with OC, I don't think the kids are your problem.
When you break down your issues, they all come back to "my wife". You say you are starting to dislike the kids but its actually your wife's treatment of you that is causing the problem. Seek counselling, together or alone if she's not prepared to join you, although if she's not, I'd suggest that would speak volumes. Make a decision about how you are prepared to live.

Yeah, that's a tough one. Are

Yeah, that's a tough one.

Are you able to devote any time - or maybe you should make it a priority - to do something for yourself. Do you golf? Set down the notice - from here on in Sat AM I will be gone golfing and Tues Night is trivia night at the pub - "See ya!" something like that...

Dtzyblnd is exactly right -

Dtzyblnd is exactly right - your marriage comes first. Your wife should be GRATEFUL for all of the things you do for HER kids. You do too much (people on this site say the same thing to me) and she is taking advantage of your kindness. I agree with the suggestions that you carve time out for activities/hobbies for yourself so that you can decompress and have some time away to do something that you enjoy. Counseling is a good idea as well; your wife needs to understand that she should not be dumping her kids' bio dads' responsibilities on you. I would suggest finding a babysitter so that you and your wife can have some kid free time. I often hear people say "never stop dating your wife/husband" and I think that is so true. Eventually the kids will be gone (thank God!) and having a strong foundation will allow you to enjoy that next phase of life together as a couple. My DH splits custody 50/50 with his ex, so I am always ecstatic when SD12 and SS8 go back to their mom's and DH and I have our alone time again. I could not survive without it! Good luck to you and be well.

A marriage is the priority

A marriage is the priority for both partners. PERIOD!! It comes before kids (regarless of biology), parents, friends, jobs, etc.... Kids are definately the primary marrital responsibility (also regardless of biology) but the marriage is the unchallenged priority.

Since you are equity life partners you are also equity parents to any children in your marrital home. Your bride needs clarity on this ASAP and you both need to get to a marriage counselor ASAP if you have any desire of salvaging your marriage.

It took my bride and I a number of years to get to the point where we would take vacations without the Skid. She would refuse to do anything while he was on Sperm Land visitation because it was not fair that he was not with us. BULLSHIT!!!! I finally told her I was going on vacation with her or without her though my preference was for us to go together. If we did something the Skid would enjoy we could do it again some other time when the Skid was with us.

Finally she gained clarity and we started being able to enjoy our non skid time together.

Well , no in laws will watch

Well , no in laws will watch the kids. And cant afford to hire a babysitter and go out , plus I need a longer break from them than just 1 night. I dont have any hobbies, but the wife is fine with me doing whatever I want, whenever I want. I just have nothing to do. I am honestly starting to believe its just the kids , the minute they get home from school shes in a bad mood. I think , she might feel guilty about not wanting them around so much, which puts her in a foul mood. Because she thinks it makes her a bad person. Who in their right mind WANTS a kid under their feet non stop? And these kids never shut up, they make it their duty to talk no matter how many times we tell them to stop, ground them, tell them to go play outside , they instantly start talking before you end you sentence. Literally, im like wtf is wrong with these kids? Its infuriating. And I have told her all this, I have talked to her about it, and all she says is what do you want me to do? Im want a real life, with real time together, sharing experiences and having my own home own kids without this madness. My wife is right that I dont understand being a bio parent, and I admit it I cant even start to understand. Really I cant, because I dont like your kids, so if she likes them then it has to be a bio thing. This all sounds terrible, how can anyone not like a kid, right? ...well im a good person from a good family and I dont like them. My brother watched them once and said, " wow, I dont know how you do it, they are good kids but...wow. they never shut up." And they are really good kids, nice and thoughtful at school, but they get on my last nerve. Everything about them. Their voice, the way they talk, all of it. They are my wifes walking trophies of past relationships and they drive me insane.

I don't like my stepdaughter

I don't like my stepdaughter either. I totally feel you on the hating it when she's coming home from school or whatever. She spends a lot of time at my husbands moms house and when it's just me him and our daughter together life is perfect. When u add in the step it's chaotic.

Hey Rush --- One thing I have

Hey Rush ---
One thing I have learned about the conflict of not being the "BIO" Dad - and it's a hard lesson to learn - and it's even harder to practice - but it's a good one - really, it's a gem - but you have to be ready for it - are you ready? Cause I'm not going to waste it on you if you really don't let it sink in ---- ok, here I go:

The more I shut up, and don't complain or get involved in conflict with my stepkids - the more my wife, their mother, actually does step up to the plate and enforce some discipline. The more I shut up - the more my wife opens up to me about her complaints and frustrations - which I hate to say it - was a good thing because for a while I thought it was only me - but she has the same frustrations, but would be defending her children to me even though in her hearts she was just as frustrated as me. Hate to to say it, but that actually made me feel better.

But I maintain you do need your own time on a regular basis outside the home. If you don't have any hobbies - there's lot of great books at the library, quiet, peaceful, no one is going to bother you - and it's free. And, the more you can define yourself outside of your marriage, step father, eventually the kids see you as more of a person too.

Please - give it some thought!

Reading your post was almost

Reading your post was almost like hearing my own thoughts! I have similar issues and concerns as you. I agree though, do more for yourself. I am taking time to myself and it helps. Now all I need is more time with the misses!!

Thought it was just me that

:jawdrop: Thought it was just me that felt this way. I have a SS13, good kid bu not my kid. Simple as that. I feel like I am expected to treat, love, care for, provide for, and do for as much as my own (two bios 3 and 4) with no credit and very little recognition. Well I just dont want to. Having to learn to let go and step back. Learning to stay out of it until what he does or says crosses me directly.BD comes around EOW if he feels like and I get none of the recognition. I started taking no initiative in his development or growth and I also dont see that he is provided for when he needs things outside of the normal household things. It makes me feel better about not giving him chores, just make jim clean after himself.

Thought it was just me that

in a similar situation and

in a similar situation and don't see a solution... the most powerful insight effecting everything is as Tyrant says, "good kids, but not my kid" simple as that.

everything sounds the same, I've started to dread when they come over, track dirt into the house, turn on the cartoons at high volume, make a mess in the kitchen, be loud and hearing the "mommy mommy" refrain over and over and over again... They are 10 and 12 and they are the most important things in my girlfriend's life. I will never come close to their relevance.

So slowly, I began distancing myself from them... Doing my own thing, not taking part in their daily routine. To the point where I just felt they were annoying roommates that I endured until they left for their bio dad's for the week. But I think that just made everything worse, more compartmentalised -- it wasn't really a life me or my girlfriend really wanted or envisioned.

Trouble is, I've been living with constant annoyance and frustration and that effects me and effects my relationship to my girlfriend.

It's gotten to the point now, where we are selling the house... And going our separate ways.

It really hurts, but in the end, probably the right thing... Not sure I will ever get involved with a woman with kids in the future... Too many potential pitfalls.

I'm brand new here. As a

I'm brand new here. As a matter of fact, I haven't even written a post to introduce myself. This IS my first post. I agree with the previous comments about your problem being with your wife, but I found myself focusing on one particular part of your message. You kept stating how much your step children adore you. How wonderful that must be! I just wanted you to know that I envy you. Trust me, you have more going for you than you think.

You are here

starting to dislike stepkids