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My Problem?

SD79's picture

Am I cut out to be a parent?

My fiancé and I just had a daughter. She is almost 2 months old and I love her dearly. We haven’t been together all that long, just over a year now. After 3 months of dating we found out my Fiancé was pregnant and decided to get married, we were thinking next year. I moved in with my pregnant fiancé and her 7 year old daughter December past. After 7 months I am having real trouble loving her 7 year old daughter. Her mother sees this and it is causing real problems in our relationship (understandably). My SD gets in these "moods" every day or every other day. It is usually at something trivial or if she misunderstands something that is said. She will walk around the house not listening and making these spoiled sounds "EEEEEEE!" at anyone who looks at her. It is downright embarrassing and I feel a knot form in my chest every time this happens. I feel that she should be punished for this behavior, her mother says that it always has a reason and just waits it out, she dose rewarding her when SD come out of one of her moods. Yesterday her mother did put SD in her room for 5 minutes after SD hit her mother twice, at which time the SD came out of her room and pushed all the furniture in the house around and picked a patch of paint off the wall with her finger nail about 3”X2”(we were eating dinner with her grand-parents trying unsuccessfully to ignore her mood). These moods usually last around an hour or so. I find my fiancé coddles her daughter, dotting on her every whim, wiping her bum laying down with her until she falls asleep at night, making excuse when SD talk back to us and the wining, oh God SD wines so much. Her mother gets very angry when I bring up that I would like more effective boundaries.

I should also put in that my Fiancé has about a half dozen psychology courses, a few of them are on child development. She says this is normal behavior for a 7 year old. Whenever we talk about it I feel that I am doing something wrong in wanting to discipline her for these “moods”. At this point I feel that I cannot talk to my fiancé on the subject of parenting.

Yesterday was the biggest blow up yet. She said I am not the man that she thought I was and we can’t go on this way. I need to pull my head out of my ass and stop playing mind games with her daughter. She does not trust me around her, not that I would do anything physical to SD, but I would scar SD emotionally with my behavior. The behavior being things like abusing the power of being an adult , reacting to SD as a 7 year old would, so on and so forth. She is right about a lot of this; I think my actions are due to frustration. I do feel that I we are not effectively parenting our SD.

I desperately want to be there for my BD. My SD is good a lot of the time, but it is so hard to watch all the coddling, back-talking and tiptoeing around her “moods”. I feel like I am walking on egg shells on the time.

Is it me? Do I just not understand what it is to be a parent?

mom2five's picture

I think you need to go see a therapist together. If your stepdaughter's behavior is not normal, hearing it from an impartial and trained therapist might be more effective than hearing it from you.

Kyleam80's picture

I'm sorry and I will tell you ahead of time you probably should not listen to me but that kid would have gotten her behind swatted a long time ago at this house. It is my opinion from experience that that time-out bull does not work with all kids. Some kids only respond to spanking, and I'm not talking a brutal or abusive thing here, just a quick swat on the rear and then the time out.

BitterSM's picture

What is it with people who study psychology who think you can't discipline kids without damaging their psyche? Some of the most IMO screwed up permissive parents I know are psychologists or therapists in training (not all of course). My skids grandmother is a therapists and she actually let her son when he was younger break SOMEONE ELSE's glass coffee table because he would learn more from that then telling him to stop banging on it....seriously? And this is the person who BM goes to for advice on the kids...give me a break. Kids need boundaries and rules and consequences for their behavior. I have taken many psychology and child development classes myself and I can't recall ever hearing that a 7 year old walking around going "eeeeeee" when they are upset being normal! I agree with mom2five maybe seeing a therapist or one of those parenting classes like "love and logic" would be helpful. You also have your other child to think about, before too long you will have two children behaving like this!

instantfamily's picture

As someone who's had a LOT more psych training than your fiancé, NO, this is not normal 7 year old behavior. You guys have got to get on the same page about parenting or you are in for huge trouble. Get thee to a therapist so you can have some backup because your fiancé is completely in the wrong. This is the behavior of a spoiled child who has likely had some drama/trauma in her life and has some behavioral problems in a big way because of that and the poor response from her mother. Kid's need discipline, they crave it, and to continue on this path is to commit yourself to a very unhappy future.
Take some parenting courses- lots are free if you just look online in your community through hospitals, etc. and get some books. I highly recommend 1-2-3-magic. Sounds corny and simplistic but it's made a world of difference in my house and came recommended from my other friends who have even more child psych experience than I!
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