If I leave the marriage, I'd feel like a quitter....Need your feedback pls.
I married an awesome lady, she is everything any man could ask for in a wife. And, she has son that to me is a little weird. He has never initiated one verbal conversation with me. I've been married for 9 months, and dated her for 1.5 yrs. His BD is deceased. It clearly must have had a hell of an effect on him. The only time he speaks is to his mom. Some of you may be asking "why is that a problem". I get it. I just think its weird to live under the same roof as him and there is just dead silence, all the time.
Yes, I have initiated conversations with him. He however never has. I just think that is really odd. Prior to me being in the picture, he had his mom all to himself. He is a Master Manipulator, will lie his way out of situations (even when all concerned knows he is lying and tells him as much). He is fairly lazy, does poorly in school, if he didn't need to eat or relieve himself he would never come out of his room. When we announced we were getting married, he took the time to say "I feel like killing myself" on his Facebook page that all of his family and many of my wife's friends have the ability to see. He was sullen and weepy at the ceremony and not because he was "touched" but because he didn't want the wedding to take place.
I have two children and when they speak to him, he acts as if he can't hear them. No flinching, no words, nothing. My kids suffer from a terminal illness. It's a genetic disorder and one of their issues is that they are developmentally delayed. My son is less aware than my daughter, and he honestly is oblivious to SS's rudeness. My daughter is less delayed and wonders why he never says anything. When I see this it bothers me deeply. I could not care less if he ever said anything to me, I've gotten over that long ago, but when he is rude to my kids, it really pisses me off.
I have seen him act ridiculously rude to him mom, yelling at her, telling her to shut up, defying her to do anything about it, then manipulating the hell out of her when he wants something. Same for chores around the house. When there is nothing he wants to buy, he contributes nothing. When there is something he has his eye on, he asks how much is doing this chore worth financially, then does what is necessary to buy what he wants. I have developed some feelings for him I feel ashamed to admit, he's only 13 after all. But I really feel like I don't really like him at all! I have discussed this with my wife, and she is quick to make excuses for what I report, but she's being defensive, natural for a parent to do, I know. But damn, I feel like strangling the little effer sometimes!
I have told my wife that I seriously doubt that anything will change and that I don't want to find that out for sure in 10 years when he has totally driven my nuts. That I am at a fork in the road and that since I came into the picture at age 12, that he is who he will be for the most part, that she helped create what he has become and that if he is to change, I am not to be the one to bring it about. I also want to protect my own kids from his rudeness...but now I really feel like to simply don't like him at all, I don't want to grow to hate him, but I feel that's where I'm headed. I don't enjoy this life, but I have an awesome wife from the spousal only perspective...so in the end, what to do....stay and risk insanity, or punch out in search of peace.
What have you people seen here? Do most guys stick it out? If so do they regret it? Do they haul ass and thank their lucky stars they did? I can't handle being around this kid, I sincerely don't believe he will ever change...I feel that moving on might be unavoidable, but came across this site, and thought I'd give you guys a shot.
Hm, I am in the same boat as
Hm, I am in the same boat as you, but a woman married to a widower who has a strange son (15 years old) who eventually was diagnosed with Aspergers, Tourette's syndrome and ADHD. Whatever. He is exactly like the boy you describe and I feel the same as you. I'm interested to see what you decide, I have been married over four years and things have gotten worse, not better in my situation. If you were not married at all I would say leave, but if you truly love this woman then you may have to stick it out. Best of luck!
Hey there, thanks for the
Hey there, thanks for the response. I don't know how to advise anyone else, but I believe that I have already "mentally checked out" of this marriage. I can't believe for one minute that this kid will ever change, and I can't let him drive me nuts. I can't let his horrible behavior impact my kids any longer. The only task at hand is to do it the right way. Is there any way to bring this up and hope for her to understand where I'm coming from? Granted, I know you don't know what she's like, but just in general....do you think most women require nothing less than a WW3 exit scenario?
Just because someone has AS
Just because someone has AS does not mean he can be an ahole...If your wife is defending him now, imagine when he's 28 and still living with you...while you support him. Your wife needs to get on board. Him being rude to your kids is unacceptable. While nobody is perfect, if I am supporting your a$$ you better have some respect...if mom does nothing, she is just as guilty.
Thanks folks, I appreciate
Thanks folks, I appreciate the feedback. There are no medical issues with SS, he probably does have emotional issues, but those started when his dad passed away. I am SO fearful of watching nothing progress positively and wasting my time, my wife's time, and regretting being here. My kids time is split between their mom and me. So this isn't a daily thing, but it still irritates me when he is so rude to them. I grit my teeth, hold my breath when my daughter says something to him, as I know he will again just ignore her. She is 14 with the developmental level of a 6yr old. Her feelings get hurt, so mine are hurt for her, that inspires even more negativity towards SS. Either decision is such a #$%$#$ gamble! I think in all likelihood, the odds of possible success are very slim, but I just WISH it wasn't that way. It's tough to find someone worth marrying nowadays, she is a damn good wife, and the bright silver lining....but that damn cloud is so freaking big! Ugh! Thanks again.
^^^^^and I am NOT one to say
^^^^^and I am NOT one to say kids come first...the MARRIAGE comes first...but when there are illnesses involved, whoever is ILL SHOULD COME FIRST...and in this case, your kiddos have issues, thus that really should be your priority...It's one thing to say "I can go out with my wife and leave kids with a sitter although my kid WANTS to go out with me", it's another to say "my wife is a great wife and I will let my kids with developmental issues be adversely impacted by the craziness of the skid and the laziness of the wife".
PS - when you marry someone
PS - when you marry someone you should want her to be BOTH a good wife and a good mother...sorry, but she might be a good wife and not such a good mother. If she didn't have kids, you would still want her to be a good mother for any possible kids you have together and by her allowing such disrespect, it shows you that she is not really such a good mother.
Part of the reason there is so much divorce nowadays in first marriages anyway, is because many marry someone because they are a "good boyfriend", so that means to them, "they will be a good husband"...then because they are a good husband, they have kids because "they will be a good father"...and well, as you can see, that is not always the case.
a good boyfriend = listens to you, takes you out, has fun with you, etc
a good husband = listens to you, takes you out, has fun with you, financially supports you 100% or at least 50%, helps around the house...
a good father = listens to you, takes you out, has fun with you, financially supports you 100% or at least 50%, helps around the house, takes care of the kids, disciplines the kids, etc.
As you can see, a good boyfriend doesn't always make for a good husband, a good husband doesn't always make a good father.
But at the end of the day, when we marry, we marry someone to be BOTH a husband and a father...
Of course, from your point of view, it should be a good wife
I hate to say it, but I
I hate to say it, but I almost agree with Old Dart. If you're having these feelings of quitting, you might want to go with your gut instincts while you still can. Your SS is not going to change. He is hard-wired by now, I'm pretty sure. Your wife is always going to stick up for him, so get ready -- she is a mother lioness first and foremost, and mother instinct to defend her cub is strong. You won't come first, and neither will your bio-kids. Just a fact. I don't ever like to recommend divorce, but when you have not had children yet with someone, there is still a chance to get out before more lives are damaged. I know what I'm talking about. Bio-dad, your kids are SO lucky to have a great father like you. What a blessing for them to have you, and I'm so sorry for their disabilities. I know that must be profoundly painful for you.
Old Dart: I love your phrase, Friends don't let Friends become Step-parents! Hilarious.
Well...last night I left. It
Well...last night I left. It went way better than I expected. I credit the fact that as a couple my wife and I had no problems with each other. Our problems were connected strictly to my soon to be former step son, how she never got help for him and the resulting personality issues he has. So...how do I feel? Totally relieved. Also a little curious about the future. I believe 100% that it was the right move, she actually agreed. She had no plans to get the boy help, and will probably just continue to do things in her own way. Oh well, I have more than enough on my plate to deal with. It feels like 10 ton boulder was removed. There are no guarantees in life and its unfortunate that the story didn't end differently but life goes on. Today I am confident that I made the right decision and am on a better path. I wish her and her son all the best in life, but I'm not the answer for them. I wish all of you going through similar stuff, all the best. I also thank all the users who gave me some insight as to their own experiences. In the end we all have to make our own decisions and I made the right one for my individual situation. Best of luck!
There is not a whole lot of
There is not a whole lot of testosterone in S-Talk or many other on-line Sparenting sites I have found so data points are limited.
In my case I have been S-Dad to my SS-20 since he was 1yo. So, any of his issues I am certainly partially responsible for as his primary dad. The SpermIdiot is alive, unfortunately, and a very toxic influence as is the entire SpermClan with the exception of the three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawn. They are young enough that the jury is still out on them but two of the three are shaping up to be just as much a waste of skin and P'sOS as the SpermIdiot. Those two share a mother where my son and #2 have two different mothers.
Any way, my wife and I have been married for 18 years. Overall things have been very good. We have a strong marriage between equity partners with our own independent successful careers and we have raised SS together as OUR kid. So, not all S-Dads cut and run though I certainly understand the urge given the challenges of a new marriage with toxic with a toxic Skid involved and the challenge of your own special needs kids.
I would say that my perspective is that I would not allow the SpermClan, my Skid or anyone else to jeopardize my marriage. I dealt with this by keeping any and all related issues front and center with my wife. She knew unequivocally that either she dealt with the Skid and SpermClan issues or I would. This ultimately evolved to us dealing with these issues together.
My perspective was that as an equity partner in my marriage I was also an equity perent to any children in my home whether they were my BKs or not. The same applied to my wife. Since I brought no BKs to the marriage and we have never had joint BKs this applied only to my SS and any nieces, nephews or underaged ILs that visited or lived with us. My SIL (wife's youngest sib) lived with us for a year from age 17-18 and the rules and system applied equally to her as far as parenting was concerned.
This is my story and history as far as your OP is concerned.
I hope this helps.
Good luck.