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Advise on changing my life for my SS

StepP1989's picture

Hi

This is my first post and I've just joined today, I have read up on a few different situations on here and everyone seems very helpful so thought I would give it a shot. I do apologise for my grammar and spelling.

Right so I'm currently engaged to my GF, we should have actually been married in may but due to covid it didnt go ahead. It's been about 3 years now we started dating and weve lived together a year and a half so far. Im 30 no children by choice as I wanted to be in a good position and ready for them. She's 33 has a 7 year old however I've known him since he was just coming up to 5, we get on like a house on fire and I do love him a lot no question about that. We have a good family unit and even though he can be mardy and clingy her a lot of the time, it works. 

The BF is an absolute waste of space, he kicked my GF out of their home and moved someone else in for 4 years basically. She then left him and he came crawling back but I was on the scene already. Needless to say he was all threatening and jealous but I handled the situation and he became a lot more compliant with the idea. We had a good understanding after that and we did a split of we have him at the weekend up to monday and have him wednesday, he would have him the rest. This worked for about 8 months and up until now he has very little time or makes effort. These arent the full details but I wont bore you, basically his dad might as well not be there. Anyway its gotten to a point where my GF wants to go full custody. 

I have always been nocturnal, I work nights because I'm always up at night and I love my shift and routine around it. It's been my life for over 10 years and night living since I was about 13. I still like to party with my mates once in a while and I can manage my overtime and work around family and friends. 

The big problem is she works full time hours and I work part time hours. The only option we have at work due to staffing is for me to change my hours to a late shift, this way I am there for him sleeping overnight, to take him to school, pick him up, do his dinner, go to work for just 5 hours 17:00 -22:00 monday to friday and be there when hes asleep. Also my pay will be dropped to where I have about £50 to my name after Bill's. I will have hardly any social time with friends as I will have to make the overtime up on the weekend. 

I know it's for a stable environment for my SS but it's a massive change for me and not one I'm really wanting to make. Am I just being selfish ? I've always loved this relationship and our family unit how it is but I didnt sign up to be domesticated and just have to give up my freedoms and most of my income for a child that isnt mine to be raising 24/7. I have already gotten rid of hours before so I could take care of him, i clean the house because I like a clean home, I do what's needed and I feel like I'm bringing a lot to the table here and not really feeling the gratitude. 

Would love to hear some feedback. So sorry if it was long winded or just seems like I'm whining. Thanks 

Aunt Agatha's picture

Your GF and the BF are parents.  You are not.  Therefore, you should not be taking on parenting duties to the point you are not working enough hours and only have a tiny fraction for the money you need.  Why in the world does this sound like a good idea to you?

You could be left with nothing - no savings and no friends at the end of this.  Plus read around on the boards here - skid will never appreciate sacrifices you make.

GF needs to figure out care for her child.  It should not mean you giving up an income.  
 

Id also be very leery of anyone wanting to take away parental rights unless it is an abuse situation. If bio dad was good enough to make a baby with, and isn't abusing the child, then cutting out bio dad to insert you in the role of dad is very concerning.

You are putting yourself in a situation that doesn't seem to either fit who you are as a person and one where you are making financial sacrifices.  I'd take a step way back and ask yoirself why.  Love is t enough in step situations.  You need to take financial care of yourself first not try to solve your GFs problems which will only lead to resentment.

tog redux's picture

I'm totally confused. She works full-time during the day? Why do you need to change your schedule from overnights? Can't she get him ready in the morning for school/day care and you are there for a few hours at the end of the day before she gets home?

At any rate, NO - don't do it. He's not your kid and not your responsibility, and I promise you will resent not only giving up your preferred hours, but being the primary caregiver.  What would she do if she were single? Day care, Dad, Grandma ... she needs to use those resources.

As for the father, leave well enough alone. If he's not coming around anyway, she doesn't need to go for full custody.

StepP1989's picture

No we both work the same night shift at the same place. It's the problem of having someone in the day to look after him. I am definitely not doing it, I think I may have found another solution thankfully. 

SteppedOut's picture

YOU found a solution? WHY?! Thr actual person responsible should have done that. It is not up to YOU to find solutions.

StepP1989's picture

You're very right, I didnt actually initiate anything myself though. His partner got in contact with me today. There has been a lot of animosity recently and we decided to have a chat and sort things out between us. It's very sad when the 2 step in parents have to sort out a plan because the parents have their own issues. 

Winterglow's picture

You're kidding, right? Look, if SHE wants to go for full custody, the situation is entirely on her, not you. She pays the court costs, not you. She is there for her son, not you. Do not jeopardize your life for her whims. 

If the father is taking care of his son 3 days a week, he isn't a deadbeat. It seems to me that your gf wants to stick it to her ex no matter what the cost and you would be collateral damage.. YOU are not the one being selfish. 

Lifer33's picture

When she can't be there for her son  at the drop of a hat but you will have to? A parent shouldn't try and take full custody if they have to rely on everyone else to care for their kid and the fathers the slightest bit willing to have a relationship. 

If it wasn't for the age difference I'd think my ss stepdad was writing this... Mummy cutting real daddy out the picture as soon as she's got a bf as hired help. Has the daddy always been a waste of space or has she pushed him out as you suit her plans and 'new family unit' better? 

ndc's picture

Do NOT under any circumstance change your job/work hours/pay to accommodate your GF's desire for full custody. You are neither a parent nor a nanny. If anyone should be changing hours/jobs, it should be her. Alternatively, she can hire help for her child (and pay for it). If she can't handle a change on her own, she shouldn't make it. You will regret this if you agree to it.

Lizzylemon's picture

My mother always taught me to let a man work as much as he wants to and do not interfere with his work, ever. Your gf is disrespecting you by asking a man to work part time and raise her child. My dh works 7 days a week and I would not ever think of asking him to not work so much. I am very old fashioned but I don't think that you should adjust your life at all to be the caregiver of this child. I'm cringing just thinking about this. You need to have a full time job to provide for yourself and your future family. IMHO that is when a man is truly fulfilled. Like I said, I'm very old fashioned so you may not agree with my thoughts. Good luck! 

BethAnne's picture

There are child care options around all of this. Mom can drop the child off at school early on her way to work and he can go to after school club until she finishes work. Or she can find a local child care provider or an other parent who can look after the boy before and after school for a fee. Or maybe there is a parent who can walk the boy to the local library where he can do his homework until mom can collect him. Lots of parents work full time and find ways to work around it. You do not need to change your routines, income, social life etc so that she can avoid paying for some child care. 

Helping out once in a while is nice and great and hopefully your gf is greatful. But making permenant changes to your life that will be detrimental to you is asking A LOT and is totally not something a reasonable person would expect from their partner. 

DPW's picture

I would not do this. For one, I know I would grow resentful of this situation over time. It is not my calling to raise another person's child, I know this. Two, it impacts my life too much when it's not my responsibility. Sure, I'll help out but to rely on me daily for childcare needs is beyond the scope of what I signed up for. Three, if this impacts your paycheque, will your SO be making up for it by paying you for childcare? What if you split? Will you have enough savings to handle any emergencies? 

This impacts you both short and long term. I would really mull this one over before I made a decision. 

simifan's picture

I'm confused. Is Dad taking his custody time? If so, a court will rarely take time away. Usually it requires Severe neglect not just lazy parenting. 

Why would you need to change so much of your life? 

StepP1989's picture

He did for while, then we had to change things. Its within the past 6 months really hes hardly been there. He did have him for 3 days a week but since about april hes probably seen him about 6 times just for a few hours. 

The change just comes with my shift pattern, her parents and his parents both work also and I guess child care can only go so far. However I am not doing it.  I've firmly put my foot down.

Rags's picture

I am on team don't change your work hours.   If your SO wants a change in custody, she has to be the one to facilitate it and support it financially with zero impact to you.

While I am definitely one to support true equity life partnerships including both partners being equity parents to any children in the relationship home, a significant change in custody as the sole decision of only one partner is not what I would consider a joint decision.  If SO goes for full custody, the cost of that legal action, the costs of added Skid time in  your home, and the care and feeding of that skin while in your home is on her.

Good luck.

StepP1989's picture

Hi everyone I just want to say thanks a lot for the replies and feedback it's been seriously helpful and reassuring i wasnt being selfish about it. I put my foot down and told her I'm just not doing it as it shouldnt be my responsibility and the pure fact that like many of you said about my income etc it's just a ridiculous ask. Also as it was mentioned I know the resentment would have definitely been there if I was stupid enough to go along with it.

I ended up sending the BF a message, we had a shouting match and that was that. It was only today that his partner got in touch with me over the situation and a lot of things have come to light. Me and my GF have had major issues with his partner as hes told us nothing but horrible things about her and hes made out a lot of the time she is the reason he cant spend time with my SS. We have spoken once about a year and a half ago and hes made sure we havent spoken since. 

It turns out he was so desperate for us not to be in contact with his partner because he has been compulsively lying to myself my GF and her. We spoke for about an hour concerning all the lies and manipulation he had been up to and the impact its had on all of us including his son. In the end me my GF and the partner of the BF talked an agreement though and decided that we would stay in contact so we are on the same level and not being deceived. It also turned out that she wanted the same arrangement as me and my GF so everything gets to stay the way it is thankfully.

Needless to say he hasn't shown his face to anyone since he has been caught out. 

SteppedOut's picture

Again, all this drama is not your cross to bear. Your GF (aka: the actual parent) should be dealig with this junk. Ugh, all this nonsense... you are not the one that chose to have a kid.