My DH's ex wife is a narcissist is the most classic sense of the word. I could go on & on. They have been divorced nearly 30 years. We have been married over 21. They have three grown kids and six grandkids. I have no children. All the SGK consider me their Nana and call me that.  It's not a secret that I'm a step, it's just they've never known any different. We've always had combined birthday parties for the SGKs. The oldest two just turned 12. When they were younger, the parties were bigger with more friends and families invited and lots of times at party venues. But now, that their getting older, the birthdays are more just cake and ice cream at the perspective SKid's house. Or in the case of my youngest SD34, whose house is too small, it may be at the BM's house. I've learned to deal with and ignore the BM and her narcissistic behaviors. It's childish and if it weren't so damaging to her kids and grandkids, it'd be almost funny to watch. But at the last combined family birthday get together of our second oldest, afterwards I learned that BM has gotten worst and more jealous of me than ever. (I have lost 90 pounds over the last three years and DH & I have also just started building a new house).  She was mad at the six yo GS for calling her Nana (me) several times a few days before. She's Gigi. And the oldest SD36 was talking to me when BM arrived that made her madder.  And exSDIL allowed SGDs12&6 come with us to the party not BM. BM has never brought the girls. She only offered once she found out they were coming with us.  In the days following the party, BM went in a rampage about how I didn't spend half what she & SSIL's mother spent yet SD36 & SSIL41 let the SK12&6 stay with me but not her. And that's because she a freaking narcissist and will try to poison the grandkids against me, their grandfather, their parents and everyone else. Now, she never goes after me directly--at least not to my face.  She doesn't know how I'll react. She goes after those who can't get away from her. Her kids, husband, and now grandkids. She will make their lives a living hell. Makes it impossible for them to ignore her. All this to say, we've decided we will no longer attend combined family get together at private homes. Are we being unreasonable? I am a trigger. I don't enjoy being where she is. I'd love to have our own family get together especially when the new house is done. I hate to cause the Skids problems. I feel I have allowed this crazy person too much access to me and since I can control that, I'd love to bow out.