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Attending Combined Family SGKs B’day Parties with NPD ExWife

Tgp157's picture

My DH's ex wife is a narcissist is the most classic sense of the word. I could go on & on. They have been divorced nearly 30 years. We have been married over 21. They have three grown kids and six grandkids. I have no children. All the SGK consider me their Nana and call me that.  It's not a secret that I'm a step, it's just they've never known any different. We've always had combined birthday parties for the SGKs. The oldest two just turned 12. When they were younger, the parties were bigger with more friends and families invited and lots of times at party venues. But now, that their getting older, the birthdays are more just cake and ice cream at the perspective SKid's house. Or in the case of my youngest SD34, whose house is too small, it may be at the BM's house. I've learned to deal with and ignore the BM and her narcissistic behaviors. It's childish and if it weren't so damaging to her kids and grandkids, it'd be almost funny to watch. But at the last combined family birthday get together of our second oldest, afterwards I learned that BM has gotten worst and more jealous of me than ever. (I have lost 90 pounds over the last three years and DH & I have also just started building a new house).  She was mad at the six yo GS for calling her Nana (me) several times a few days before. She's Gigi. And the oldest SD36 was talking to me when BM arrived that made her madder.  And exSDIL allowed SGDs12&6 come with us to the party not BM. BM has never brought the girls. She only offered once she found out they were coming with us.  In the days following the party, BM went in a rampage about how I didn't spend half what she & SSIL's mother spent yet SD36 & SSIL41 let the SK12&6 stay with me but not her. And that's because she a freaking narcissist and will try to poison the grandkids against me, their grandfather, their parents and everyone else. Now, she never goes after me directly--at least not to my face.  She doesn't know how I'll react. She goes after those who can't get away from her. Her kids, husband, and now grandkids. She will make their lives a living hell. Makes it impossible for them to ignore her. All this to say, we've decided we will no longer attend combined family get together at private homes. Are we being unreasonable? I am a trigger. I don't enjoy being where she is. I'd love to have our own family get together especially when the new house is done. I hate to cause the Skids problems. I feel I have allowed this crazy person too much access to me and since I can control that, I'd love to bow out. 

ESMOD's picture

IMHO.. the grands are getting older... if you are interested in continuing a close relationship I would start a new tradition.. an outing with Nana.. just you and the child.. it might be lunch at a tearoom.. or special restaurant.. it might be a trip to a local art gallery or museum.. it might be for a picnic in the park.. or a hike at a nearby park..   It gives the child a special and curated event to their taste.. keeps you out of the family Bday party which is pretty stale once the kids get to be in their teens.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Not unreasonable at all. I'm surprised you continued it as long as you did. No reason to do combined. BM can do her own thing, without the "stress" of you (lol) and you guys can do your own thing. ETA it will be interesting to see if BM fights this. Some narcs are so bad they will want to do something just so they can have a chance to bitch about it. 

Tgp157's picture

Oh, no doubt, there will be a big stink made when we no longer attend. Over the years I've learned and DH has told me many many times, it doesn't matter what we do, it'll be wrong. If we go, she'll find something, if we don't go, she'll find something. The stories I could tell. Lord help. I believe I am a good person. I am a Christian. I try to always do the right thing. I'm not saying I'm always right, but I try to do the right thing. . BM see the world upside down. What most people see as right she see as wrong and what is wrong is right. I'm not sure she's human. She does more harm than good. The mental abuse she's done to her kids and the grandkids. I don't think they'll ever recover. 

AgedOut's picture

I am in awe of you. I tapped out of those parties many moons ago and we all pretended to get along. Orrrr I'm the crazy BM but I think I'd remember it if I got my bitch on. I this ESMOD has great ideas. And you cand change up each 'Nana Day' to suit each child's likes or hobbies. 


Rags's picture

I would be radiantly present with your DH of 2+ decades, be positive, be confident, and make sure narc GiGi the shitstain skidmark knows that she will be on a very tight leash.

Then, go with the great advice to do Nana time with the the GSKids.  If that causes GiGi to blow a gasket, so be it.

Keep your relationship with YOUR Skids and YOUR GSkids positive, and be always fully present and radiant... whether GiGi is there or not.

Living well atracts good relationships with good people and absolutely drives nark POS people nuckin futz. So exact the revenge of living well and let GiGi wallow in that.

And have fun living well.


Tgp157's picture

I just love you guys. I'm glad I came across this site. I've been needing someone to vent to other than my DH or SD or my family about this crazy woman.