Need Advice for Step Son/Father Parenting I can't take it any more!
I am having a huge issue in my house and I am looking for suggestions and input. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married 2. We are a blended family. He has a 9 year old son. I have a 6 year old son and together we have a 16 month old daughter. We don't seem to agree on discipline in the house. My 9 year old stepson gets away with everything. He also has a lot going against him, but I feel there should still be some boudaries and rules for all three kids to follow. He has ADHD and anxiety. He does go to a therapist and is on medecine. From a young age his biological parents did everything for him. They even spoon fed him unitl he was 3 years old! On top of that the boys mother is a basket case. She is high anxiety, a hypochondria, and a perpetual lier, which is where he probably picks up on most of his issues.
Problem is when my stepson is in my house he doesn't follow rules and gets away with it. He is messy. He leaves everything all over the place. He leaves food out, wrappers, all types of stuff. He even still wears a diaper, because he is too scared and lazy to use the bathroom at night so he leaves that on the floor. I understand that being messy is part of having ADHD, but the problem is when asked to do something you have to ask him a million times and he hears you, because he aknowledges you, but he still doesn't follow through and then my husband ends up doing it for him. Does he get reprimanded for it or taught the importance of doing things for himiself, no. If the 6 year old tried pulling this crap, he would in trouble and sent to his room or electronics taken away.
We also have the issue of my stepson not eating. He only ever wants to eat junk food and doesn't know how to eat a nice cooked dinner. This really irritates me, because the other two kids in our house have to eat what is cooked (within reason, I wouldn't give the kids steak, they hate steak). I am not a restaurant and you will eat what is on the table. My stepson apparently doesn't have to abide by this rule. As soon as he hear's what's for dinner if it's something he doesn't like he will say he doesn't feel good and my husband always falls for it. An hour later he will be in the snack drawer grabbing a granola bar or fruit snacks to eat.
My stepstop also goes to bed too late for his age. Since he was 4 years old he has been going to bed after 9pm, even on school nights. He doesn't get enough sleep and is a bear to deal with in the morning.
He is also supposedly always sick. If there is something he doesn't want to do, he is sick. It's all in his head. His father falls for it every time.
He also lies and makes up stories. I know some of it is common for his age, like tattling on your younger brother, but I have caught him in lies that have caused damage in our house. Long story, won't eleborate.
Just this past weekend he peed my couch and sat in it not saying a word. He also pulled poop from his butt and wiped in on my carpet. Again, nothing was done to correct this behavior. He does not have autism. He was tested. He is well aware of what he was doing.
My husband and I argue constantly. I feel like this child and my husband's lack of discipline is causing a huge crutch between us. I can't reprimand him or say anything. My husband doesn't see where his son is in the wrong, so I am always the bad guy and when we fight I am the one that gets yelled at. He has said some realy nasty things to me, things that will stick with me forever but I want to work on our relationship. I really don't know what to do any more. I don't want two kids raised with rules and the other not. It's just not fair for them. We have my stepson every Thursday through Monday morning, so this happens every weekend. I really don't know what to do any more. I keep telling myself 9 more years and hopefully he will go off to college, but then I read posts about adult step children. Therapy, I seriously doubt it will help. Any guidance is appreciated. Is anyone else having this issue?
This kid is wearing a diaper,
This kid is wearing a diaper, wiping poop on your carpet and peeing on the couch and sitting in it at age 9, and you think he's going to college in 9 years? I think he has bigger issues than his parents are realizing. Can you disengage from the SS and have your husband handle everything related to him? Aside from leaving, I don't see what else you can do - there's no point in taking responsibility if you don't have authority, and it sure sounds like you have none of that where the SS is concerned.
You bred with an a**hole.
You bred with an a**hole. Didn't you notice any of this in five years time? The man says nasty things to you and is raising a monster. There's nothing you can do to make your husband turn into a decent human being. He has to want to become a better person.
After watching my SS reign
After watching my SS reign terror on my home because of his ADHD, I know that this kid NEEDS structure and rules and discipline to succeed. Once my SS stopped coming over and away from our structured home, he floundered, as BM just ignored him and then I think became scared of him so she let him do as he pleased. He did sqeak by and graduate by the skin of his teeth.
I think you need to leave the boy up to his father but put firm boundaries on DH about what you will and will not put up with. You have a 16mo daughter who needs structure and routine to thrive and you need to put her first in all that you say and do regarding the boundaries. The other children do not get sacrificed to SS.
Holy crap! That was going to
Holy crap! That was going to be my first question, os he autistic?!? I have a 10 year old highly autistic step-son that still wears a diaper and wets the bed every night and when he does make it to the bathroom to poop, it gets EVERYWHERE!!! I am talking my walls, shower curtains, bathroom rugs. I don't know what the F he does! It is absolutely disgusting!
I give us credit for dealing with such grotesque circumstances! I feel sorry for you as your husband has just as big as issues for not seeing a problem with any of this! And I can only imagine as a mother (cause I have younger ones myself) that you DO NOT want your biokids around this type of behavior! I could see why there would be arguments! I am sorry I don't have much advice to give other than I would put my foot down and tell DH enough is enough, things are going to change, lay it out there, try to compromise and if he doesn't want to respect that then maybe it is best for you and your kids to get out of there cause it sounds like nothing but a giant mess that it only going to get worse!
Your DH is an abject waste of
Your DH is an abject waste of skin parental failure. Why are you still there? You need to get your kids away from this shallow and polluted gene pool as soon as possible. Yes, even the kid that shares part of that gene pool.
You can't fix this. The problem is not the kid. The problem is the non-man you married.
Like everyone else said- this
Like everyone else said- this is a husband problem. I don't take well to grown ass men yelling and berating their wives. Especially when the things they say have the effects of staying with you forever. I would look into counseling for yourself. It sounds like you need to work on your own strength to be able to have to courage to leave and do what is the best thing you can for your children.
Stay strong
Wow - poor you. This is just horrible. I also feel you need to move on and find happiness elsewhere. Perhaps have that conversation. And give DH a chance to change. But if he falls back. You need to get rid of him.
This is makes my problems minimal. I just have an obese SD9 who is fed pancakes with chocolate for breakfast, has diagnosed ADHD but BM and BD think that’s incorrect. Has private rotor after school, basically paid to do SD homework. I have BM hating me, cos SS loves me and thrives on rules and routine. Every other weekend is long enough to forget all manners and rules. So it’s Groundhog Day every other week. Last week, out for a meal. SD orders burger and chips. I order King prawn linguine. SD says wished she ordered why I had. I was a large portion. So I offered if you eat all your peas and burger (leave chips and bun) I’ll give you half if mine. SD eats all burger and chips, and wants half my adult dinner. I explain, you’ve eaten all your dinner. So you should be full. SD not full and wants my dinner. BD says that I did say she could have half!
I explain afterwards that BD is overweight. And why should a 9yo get a full child meal. And half an adult meal?
I’ve stopped paying when we go out. (I used to take my turn) but figure lobster or steak adult dinners for an obese child is wrong.
I’ve also pointed out that the big lies being told to SD by BM need callig out. Last week she told us how mummy worked in the twin tower, but the day of the terrorist attack, she had a headache and so didn’t die. Few months ago it was how mummy was going to be a gymnast in the olympics, but they chose someone else at the last minute. Something which BM has said to BD before also. But sadly has no photo’s or trophy’s.
Latest in SD9 has instagram, saying she’s 13yo, BD asked BM to delete it. But BM thinks it’s ok.
Stay strong
Wow - poor you. This is just horrible. I also feel you need to move on and find happiness elsewhere. Perhaps have that conversation. And give DH a chance to change. But if he falls back. You need to get rid of him.
This makes my problems minimal. I just have an obese SD9 who is fed pancakes with chocolate for breakfast, has diagnosed ADHD but BM and BD think that’s incorrect. Has private tutor after school, basically paid to do SD homework. I have BM hating me, cos SD loves me and thrives on rules and routine. Every other weekend is long enough to forget all manners and rules. So it’s Groundhog Day every other week. Last week, out for a meal. SD orders burger and chips. I order King prawn linguine. SD says wished she ordered what I had. It was a large portion. So I offered if you eat all your peas and burger (leave chips and bun) I’ll give you half of mine. SD eats all burger and chips, and wants half my adult dinner. I explain, you’ve eaten all your dinner. So you should be full. SD not full and wants my dinner. BD says that I did say she could have half!
I explain afterwards that BD is overweight. And why should a 9yo get a full child meal. And half an adult meal?
I’ve stopped paying when we go out. (I used to take my turn) but figure lobster or steak adult dinners for an obese child is wrong.
I’ve also pointed out that the big lies being told to SD by BM need callig out. Last week she told us how mummy worked in the twin tower, but the day of the terrorist attack, she had a headache and so didn’t die. Few months ago it was how mummy was going to be a gymnast in the olympics, but they chose someone else at the last minute. Something which BM has said to BD before also. But sadly has no photo’s or trophy’s.
Latest in SD9 has instagram, saying she’s 13yo, BD asked BM to delete it. But BM thinks it’s ok.
I understand
I understand what you are going through. It may seem like an eternity but hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel even if it's a small as a freckle! I wanted to ask you if you are thinking of leaving him? If so, will you allow your H to have your BD stay with him and SS? From what you mentioned about your SS, I am afraid for the safety of your BD that you share with your H.
Why do you tolerate this?
Why do you tolerate this?