Just need advice...
Ok I just found this site and after reading a lot of the posts am hoping that someone can give me advice as to my next step.
I will try to summarize so this won't be a novel. I have been married to my husband for almost 2 years. He has a crazy ex and a 12 year old daughter. In the past 2 years I have had to deal with my SD going through my personal belongings, such as my purse, dresser, bathroom etc... then taking information back to BM. I have had SD's siblings (not DH's kids) try to break into my house (while I was home alone) trying to steal my belonging (BM thinking items were hers). Constant harassment from BM through texts and phone calls. I have had to keep my mouth shut in our own home because DH thinks it would be more trouble to discipline SD because BM lets her get away with everything and would cause never ending problems. I could go on and on but I am sure you get the picture.
So I will get onto what I want to ask. I should also note that I have 4 grown children of my own and 5 grandchildren. I was a single parent myself and very strict in raising my own kids. NOT ABUSIVE, Strict. So when I say I have had a hard time keeping my mouth shut in our home you can understand how hard that has been for me.
The other night I totally lost it. SD was completely disrespectful and I blew up!!!! I told SD to apologize to her father as well as myself and that I would no longer tolerate that kind of behavior in our home. We have rules in this house and she will follow them period. Yes I did raise my voice as I said I had totally lost it.
So when SD went home we got to hear from BM and how if I were going to be around she could not see her father. BM also said that I was the worst person on earth because I had raised my voice to her child (BM used much more colorful language). So guess what....I lost it again and told BM what she could do with her ultimatums. I know it was wrong and not my business but I have a thing about having someone dictate what I can and can't do in our home. I have to also add that our marriage has been seriously affected by everything that has happened.
Well there you go in a nut shell. I am not sure what to do next. DH is really trying to help but his past attitude of not wanting to rock the boat leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I am a strong woman and I am out of my element....HELP!! Any advice would be very helpful!
I meant that I reacted
I meant that I reacted impulsively. I raised my voice and told my SD exactly what I said above. Nothing more nothing less. I do not believe in physical discipline if that is what you asking.
I know how frustrating it is
I know how frustrating it is to not be able to enforce rules in your own home. I totally wish my BFs daughters mom would get custody back so I can have my home back.I too have older children and was strict with rules and enforcing them.You are not alone.
My advice: your strong words
My advice: your strong words need to be directed at your husband. HE is the one who needs to assert boundaries in your home, with both SD & BM. Step back from the lead, and inform him that your marriage depends upon him taking the lead, and doing it soon. Get into marriage counseling if that will help communicate these things.
I have strong feelings about this, as I took the lead with the skids, and it was a mistake. DH stayed in the background until it became a matter of involving child protective services over BM's husband and his abuse towards the skids. It took years for him to take control of the situation, and I stayed in the parent role far too long. It damaged my marriage, and didn't serve the kids well at all.
I can totally understand your
I can totally understand your frustrations.
Wish I had some answers but sadly, I don't and am still trying to find the answers myself.
I will openly admit on here that I seriously dislike my skids - I dread having them in our home.
They are disruptive, rude, badly behaved and have caused endless problems in our marriage.
They have the most awful effect on my bio's, I constantly get asked the question: "If he can get away with it, why can't I?".
Totally understandable question by a 10 year old, who sees another 10 year old getting away with all sorts and not having any consequences.
The last time they were here with us, I actually gave a consequence - boy did it go down badly!
He had kicked my youngest in the head and really hurt him. DH asked him to sit on the naughty step (if it had been mine, it would have involved a grounding for a week) but SS10 refused to sit on the step.
An hour and a half later, DH was still politely asking SS to sit on the step!
I stepped in then, and told him to get dressed as I was taking back home to his BM.
I put him in the car, and drove him home.
Since then, my DH and I have been accused of child abuse! We have been investigated by child protection agency, as my DH was accused of strangling him on the step to the point of him losing his breath! DH didn't even raise his voice!
This little act of defiance, could have lost me my bios for goodness sakes!
I have got the point now where I do not even want to see his face here, as I am not sure how I will react with him, but I know that I have to face it, as we have them for 2 weeks as of this weekend.
All I can say to you is for you to reach deep into your soul and try to remember the reason why you are with your partner - try and hold on to the love you felt for him before you realised what a load of mess you were actually getting involved with. I have to do this daily.
It is nice to hear that you
It is nice to hear that you all know what we are going through. Just so I am understanding, I should tell DH that he needs to take care of any rules and discipline? My problem is that he wasn't doing that when I was keeping my mouth shut. He wants me to tell him and then he will tell her and still things didn't change. As a result I started feeling resentful of SD and DH for being disrespected constantly. Which is why I blew up in the first place. To be frank, I am getting to the point of not wanting to be home when SD is here. I have 4 kids I can go spend weekends with but what is that going to do to my already shaky marriage. I guess I will have to talk to DH about this and perhaps your right about the counseling.
Thank you all so much for your input.
To Old Dart, "Wouldn't you
To Old Dart,
"Wouldn't you always suspect, just a little, a new stepmom disciplining your children? I would and so would most parents."
I just had to respond to you on this one. My son actually has a Stepmother and although in the beginning he was pretty rough on her, they actually have a good relationship. I am NOT one of those crazy ex's....LOL! Also, when his father told me that was being a little brat, he was not only punished by his Father but when he got home as well. So it didn't last long.
As for my SD relating to my kids. Whenever we have a family get together she is always in the corner alone, no matter how hard we try. She just doesn't want to be apart of the family.
Oh and I just love being a Grandmother!! It is the best reason to become a parent!!!