I really don't like my Step-Son!!!
I know that sounds harsh and I feel totally guilty about it, but it's the truth. I can't stand him! This has been going on for years, it's caused many problems within our family and I really, really could use some advice from those who understand where I'm coming from.
My husband and I met in 2002. At the time his ex-girlfriend had informal custody of their son (4 yrs old). They had been separated since my SS was about 2 so he has no memory of their being together. There were no other children in the picture. BM bounced between boyfriends, living arrangements, and we suspect heavy substance abuse. SS and I got along great when he spent time with us.
In 2003 my husband and I married. He was sent overseas to Iraq after we found out we were going to have our first child. I later found out at his send-off that the BM had intentions of trying to 'get him back' until my husband's aunt dropped the marriage bomb on her at the send-off. This was the first time I'd met her face to face and she refused to acknowledge me from that point on. After she found out we were married it seemed like everything took a turn for the worse. The entire time my husband was overseas I wasn't allowed to see my step-son. She would let him stay with my father-in-law who would in turn let him stay with me for a couple of days.
In January of 2004 we discovered my SS and his BM were 'missing'. They had up and moved without notifying anyone on this side of my SS's family. It took nearly 2 months to locate them and at this point they had moved half-way across the country (from mid-West U.S. to the west coast). We went nearly 5 months without any contact from them. My husband came home in May '04 and shortly thereafter we were able to speak to my SS. We even planned a trip for him to come visit us for 2 weeks which was later canceled by the BM and her BF. They claim that the time didn't work well with the BF's schedule, even though they already knew we had purchased a plane ticket and made arrangements for my SS's trip. In late July of 2004 we get a call from the BM that she is back in the mid-West and wants to know if we'd like to see my SS. We of course say yes and set up a meeting to pick him up. We found out she came back because her BF beat her up (not the first time either) and she decided to leave him. Since no legal custody had been established we picked my SS up with the intention of keeping him. We immediately enrolled him in school (as he was supposed to be attending but she only made him go the first half of his kindergarten year) and obtained a lawyer. We notified his BM shortly thereafter and she acted as though it were a good idea because he (my SS) wanted to live with us anyways (according to her). We let her see him for the weekend and when we picked him up she told us she was moving back out west to be with her BF again. (At this point she had another baby around the same time our first child was born.) At the time we didn't know it, but this would be the last time my SS (now almost 6) would see his BM. For a few weeks she called often but the calls went from daily to every other day to a couple times a week. Within a few weeks she was served custody papers and the shit hit the fan. The BM and her BF called to bitch at my husband and harass me. She tried to get my SS to side with her, claiming that we were taking him away from her. She would say nasty things about me to him on the phone and once when he tried to stick up for me and tell her what she said wasn't true, she told him that was very mean of him because it meant he doesn't love her (the BM) anymore. Basically she made him choose between me and her. She fought us tooth and nail about the custody agreement (which was basically JOINT custody, us as custodial parents). She refused to sign any documents and had to be served by the local Sheriff's department. Because of her lack of involvement the judge awarded us custodial custody of my SS. At this time he was in Kindergarten and we started noticing that although he had done well at the beginning of the year, the last half of the year was rough for him behavior wise.
In January of 2005 we found out we'd be having another child. We started looking for a bigger house, found one, and moved (Fall 2005)... making sure to notify the BM of the new address, phone number, etc. before we even moved in the house! She would call and be civil with me, which I appreciated for my SS's sake, but I found out when she spoke to him she was still stirring the pot of shit. She wanted to send his birthday presents (since we moved the day after his birthday) to the new house and I said that would be fine because we were having the post office hold our mail until we were settled. Presents never came and my SS was obviously upset. What 6 year old wouldn't be? She said she'd send them with Christmas presents and that never happened either. At this point he started to get upset with her and though he wouldn't confront her about his feelings, he told us he wasn't believing her anymore because "she always lies" to him.
This went on until the first of February 2006 when she just stopped calling. We went about 2 weeks without hearing from her, tried to call her, and the number was disconnected. We also had no current address for her. We waited for her to call and she never did. Things with my SS had slowly been getting worse and at this point they escalated drastically! He was impossible to deal with. He began lying uncontrollably about EVERYTHING. Even if you sat there and watched him do something, he would lie about it. He was acting out more at school (1st grade) and the teacher was getting frustrated with his behavior. He was acting out at home and constantly causing arguments either between us and himself, or my husband and myself. He had, as I said, issues with lying, following directions, respecting others and their property (including adults, peers, and himself!) We also had issues with staring. I'm a very "busty" woman and can honestly say I NEVER wear provocative clothing. Jeans and T-shirts are my wardrobe of choice, but we were starting to have problems with him staring at my breasts, crotch, etc., especially when you were trying to talk to him. I told him how uncomfortable and dirty it made me feel and he purposely continued anyways. All this (and much more) continued on for nearly a year. Things financially were getting tight for us (as BM was providing NO support whatsoever!). My husband and I were constantly having arguments not only about the finances but also about my SS. My husband was working 2 jobs so I was left with 2 children and an infant all day long. My SS was of no real help, in the sense that he was continually causing problems which made it hard for me to manage all 3 kids. Every night I was consulting my husband about my SS's behaviors that day and expressing my difficulties and frustrations to him. On NUMEROUS occasions I asked for help from him and his responses were always: "I don't know what to do" or "I'll think of something." In the end he was always telling me to wait. Wait until he thinks of something. Wait long enough and it will get better. Someday he will look back and appreciate all I've done for him.
In September 2006 my husband decided he'd 'had enough' and was going to leave me. I was going to keep my SS for a couple of weeks until my husband got living arrangements lined up for them but that never worked out. When my SS got wind of what was happening he was THRILLED (I wish I could say I'm exaggerating) that they wouldn't be living here anymore. Needless to say my children and myself were devastated. I had to move back to my hometown (out of state) and stay with my parents because I couldn't handle the house, bills, etc., on my own (my husband wasn't providing financial support at the time). I was a full-time SAHM turned struggling single mom. After moving to live with my parents I was able to get a very good job at a bank working to support my children, my husband started sending half his paycheck twice a month to help support us, and I managed to keep our mortgage out of foreclosure, etc.
In all, we ended up being separated about 6 months, during which time he developed a relationship outside our marriage in plain view of my SS. My husband wanted to work things out and I gave him the ultimatum of ending it with his current GF or we were finished for good. He immediately ended the relationship, moved away from her, and finally began trying to repair things between us.
Spring of 2007 brought us back together after much needed communication and various meetings. All the while, I hadn't seen my SS since they'd left. When I did see him he seemed very happy to be living with us again. My husband was soon shipped out for military training after our getting back together and things really weren't TOO bad while he was gone (5 months). I got my SS into counseling which didn't go so well. He met weekly with his counselor for a little more than 2 months but we had to end it because of his behavior with the counselor. He enjoyed the games and playing they did, but when she tried to get him to open up he would either flat out refuse to answer by saying "I don't know" or he would fabricate stories and things that had never really happened. He even told me (at 8 years old) that he didn't think she was helping because all they did was play games. I asked him to at least give her a chance and he notified me that he didn't want to and that when she asked questions he was just going to lie to her anyways. In September 2007 my husband returned home. We had just ended counseling and things were 'okay' for awhile. We had gotten my SS into soccer which he turned out to be very good at! The stipulation was he get his grades back up (surprising as he's a very good student, very intelligent) and keep them up. He was also to work on his attitude and the concept of 'respecting others'. And I must make it clear here that he has absolutely NO problems whatsoever with understanding these concepts and ideas. He knows what's right and what's wrong, yet he continually decides to do things that aren't proper and he cannot offer an explanation of why he's made those choices.
Here it is the following February (2008). He's 9 years old (will be 10 this fall) and we still can't get him to consistently display the acceptable behaviors he very easily displayed at ages 4 and 5. With 2 other small children in the home this greatly concerns me.
My daughter (now 4) is in preschool and has been displaying attitude issues. She is very independent (as I always have been) and I don't see her behavior as being a problem... yet. I'm just afraid that should she continue to be influenced by my SS she may adapt some of his behaviors.
I also have a little boy (now 2) who is prone to frequent fits of screaming, throwing things, as well as himself, etc. We try so very hard to keep the smaller 2 out of the picture when we have discussions with my SS (which tends to be often), but at those times I can tell they begin to feel left out and want to act out for attention.
What I'm looking for is advice that anyone can offer from their personal experiences.
1. I'm in fear of my younger children adapting my SS's behaviors.
2. I'm concerned for my SS's well being, in terms of his social and educational development. (More on this to follow.)
3. I worry about these issues coming between my husband and I again.
4. I'm very worried that we are reaching a point of no salvation for my SS's and my relationship.
He's been letting school assignments slip on purpose for no reason. His last one was almost 2 weeks overdue and took both of us, my husband and I, and his teacher riding him to get him to finish it! He currently has one large project that is due in 2 days and he hasn't even completed half of it. He was instructed by his teacher to complete most of what's left over the weekend (this past weekend) and he did absolutely nothing. Today they had a snow day and we talked about the effects of that on his progress with the project. My husband and I have been to the point of preaching responsibility to my SS the past month or so. We told him we will not ride him to get this project done. He's on his own in terms of making sure it gets done. We always make it clear that he can come to us if he needs help, but it's his responsibility to get the ball rolling. If he needs help, he needs to speak up. He didn't seem happy to hear that. I think he was expecting us to force him to do it and I told him I refuse to force him to do it. He's old enough to know it needs to be done and if he choose not to do it, he's old enough to accept the consequences to follow. He did ask me to take him to the library shortly thereafter to pick up some research materials.
I feel very good about that small accomplishment... but I'm wanting help with everything else. I can't seem to shake this terrible feeling of not liking him. I try so hard to be as affectionate as I can possibly stomach but sometimes it's so much it makes me sick. I know we aren't any harder on him than we are on the other two, with respect for their individual ages. He's started to see that lately as my daughter is now 4 (the age he was when I met him) and he's seeing I hold her to the same expectations I held him, sometimes even higher than what I expected of him. But regardless of any of this, we still have trust and respect issues with him and I cannot seem to enjoy being around him. I don't look forward to doing things one on one with him. I don't look forward to him being involved in things that I do. And it's so bad I could be having a great day that turns to complete SHIT because I know he'll be home from school soon.
I feel like the horribly terrible evil and wicked stepmother from HELL! I do try not to show these feelings when I'm around him but of course the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. What is wrong with me? Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship with my SS? And more importantly, what can I do to further improve things in our relationship? I will tell you that my husband is aware of the tension between my SS and myself but I've never openly told him how I absolutely cannot stand to be around my SS. I'm so terrified of it driving a wedge between us again. Can anyone please help me?
Thank you!
StressedMom
"I will tell you that my
"I will tell you that my husband is aware of the tension between my SS and myself but I've never openly told him how I absolutely cannot stand to be around my SS."
I told my husband last night. I tried to frame it from this point: I want to enjoy my time with your child(ren), and right now I do not. What can you suggest I try in order to enjoy their company and overlook the behaviors they engage in which do not seem to bother you (because my husband is WAY more tolerant than I am about things)? This ended up leading to a discussion (a rather heated one, mind you, but productive) about what our reasonable behavioral expectations are and how we will enforce them (and who is responsible for that). My situation sounds like it's very different from yours, but if you can think of a way to approach your husband as though he is creating a solution, perhaps he'll be receptive to the discussion? I found that I needed to several times repeat that I was looking for suggestions about how I could change the situation for myself instead of focusing too much on what my step-son does to piss me off (although I through a lot of that in there too). Good luck, and thanks for making me feel like my feelings are normal!
SS is becoming a nightmare
I am in a similar situation, only my SS is older. I met my husband when my step-son was 6. At the time he lived with his student/socialite BM. SS and I got along fine and he and my kids (3 & 4 at the time) seemed to get along well. My husband and I moved in together a few months later and were married the next year.
SS was having some issues in school at the time, but his mom was a 26 year-old student and a social butterfly, so we thought she would settle down soon. One Monday we took him to school and had plans to pick him up that Wednesday to spend the night with us. When we checked him out of daycare that Wed, he had the same clothes on that we put on him that Monday, stunk, and had knotty hair. We started checking the daycare records everytime we picked him up only to discover he was spending 13 hours a day between daycare and 1st grade (and he was already a year behind due to BM not getting his immunizations on time).
We decided it would be best for him to "save" him from his unstable situation (BM had also moved 3 times w/in 1 year), and BM agreed it was best. His behavior issues only got worse as he got older and were never dealt with, since my husband and BM felt guilty when they disciplined him.
Another odd thing was that BM continued to use baby talk with him, and bought him everything he wanted until my husband confronted her about it when he was 11. The whole time SS had been hurting my kids on a weekly basis, and continues to threaten them and hurt them to this day. My husband says this is normal behavior since he and his brother fought, but SS is creepy mean, not like when my two fight over toys or games.
We found out he had diabetes last year, and thought that may have been a trigger of latest behavior problems and school trouble, but after doing quite well with it, he has started gorging on junk food, which makes him extra mean. He also starts yelling at anyone trying to help him, since he refuses to learn how to count carbs. And just a few months ago, he bragged to my youngest about how he was going to do lots of drugs when he gets older, because it won't hurt him like alcohol will with diabetes.
His grades are only decent enough to pass to the next grade, and only because his dad gets in his face at the end of each quarter and threatens to send him to military school. Then we have 4-5 sleepless nights trying to get him caught up on his work that he had lied about the whole quarter. Last week it happened again, only this time, SS, now almost 14 got in his dad's face and started screaming at him. Upset at being screamed at, my husband grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to his room. SS then threatened to sue us for physical abuse.
I'm afraid of losing everything - house, marriage, kids to their BD, because of this kid. He brags about lighting fires at BM's house, and lifts weights then gives my husband and I dirty looks afterward. But I also know that if he goes to live with BM (who has since become much more responsible with her life) he might possibly hurt her. I have 6 brothers, and can fend for myself with the kid, and I also have 3 HUGE neighbors that my kids know to go to, if SS is ever hurting me or his dad.
I have a gut feeling that this kid is going to snap one day, but I also remember the sweet little boy, I felt so bad for. We have crappy insurance and cannot afford counseling, even though SS never took it seriously when he was in counseling. I don't want to leave my husband, I just want to get this kid raised and out of my house, but I don't want to look back in hindsight and wish I left before it was too late. You should get out of your situation now, before you invest too many years like I have done.
ME TOO!!
I have a SS where the mother lost parental rights. I feel bad but I would like ours taken away(husband & I). I can't take the constant battling any more. To Stressed Mom it sounds like you SS may have what mine does Reactive Attachment Disorder. Google it and learn but there is not much you can do. I feel it is unfair that I have to clean up the mess she made. I understand it is not fair to him either but we have 3 other children who deserve time and effort too. My SS is 16 so I only have a short time left. Thank God!!! Hope I can last
I understand where everyone
I understand where everyone is coming from. I thought it was just me. I didn't come into my SS's life until he was 12 and up until now I liked him. He is now 15, and I cannot wait until he gets out of my house. He lies, steals form myself,grandmother, and anyone else who has something he wants. He dosesn't do his homework, and everytime i turn around he is up to no good. My husband seems to turn a blind eye to all of this. As a matter of fact, he sees his son as a victim. My father-in-law was the only one disiplining him since he was a baby. his other parent has had nothing to do with him outside of paying child support. He is just out of control and i'm tired of it. My husband said to me that, if I don't love his son then we can't be together. After 3yrs of dealing with this, i'm fine with that. i love my husband more than anyhing in this world, but i can no longer live like this. He is a 15 year old criminal. He has no respect for anyone or anything that isn't his. just last week him and his friends destroyed his grandmothers garage, and 3 days after that he stole her laptop out of her room, and by saturday of the same week his dad told him he could hang out with his friend. his dad never sees anything worng with what his son does, and if he does, he dosen't do anything about it. he just lets it ride, and tells me that i should look past it too. i do not like other people who act like this, why should i like his son who acts like this. i am just tired and feed up. i have tried for the past 3 years to be understanding, and caring and treat his son like my own, but i can no longer do it. someone please help!!!!!!!!!!!!! does it get better or should i end my marriage because my husband thinks that i am wrong for not accepting his son..please help me, because i am losing it
Losing it-stay or go?
I am in a similar situation with a thirteen year old soon-to-be SS. I don't like him because he is sneaky and lies about my son (10 yr old) and tries to blame everything on him. He wants his dad to do stuff with him and always wants to be here-not with his mom-because dad is so lenient. He is a whiny-spoiled only child. He does poorly in school which is overlooked and excels in sports which has way too much emphasis put on it. If my son does/says anything wrong-disrespectful etc., a huge case is made. His son does the same thing-nothing but excuses for his son. I am sick of things being so one-sided and the double standards. It isn't fair. I am ready to leave this relationship because I can't stand having his son around. Everything about him irritates me and my fiance can't see any of it. What has happened to you since this post? Any better?
You better run if you
You better run if you haven't already.
I feel the exact same way you
I feel the exact same way you do about my SS.. he is now 13 and we have not gotten along since day his dad and I got married. He has stole when stayed with us so I checked his bags before he left which he got ticked about saying I invade his privacy, he would get up in middle of night and sneak food so I started dishing out their food and limiting food but then dad says I am starving the boy and if he wants to eat then let him eat..but if my kids go take food out of cupboard w/o asking they get in trouble. I had 4 kids 2 of which stayed with us full time and my SS was his fathers only child so he always acted like a spoiled know it all brat when with us. We now have a little girl of our own and on night before I went in for delivery BM asked if he could stay night and spend day with dad.. I said I am having the baby tomorrow and would like my husband with me..well dad said he can stay .. so I didnt get the day with just husband and I ... SS was there right after I had the baby and hubby came in the room right before I delivered instead of being there for me the while working up to it. So I do have hostility towards the SS. I have been told that he is a child and I need to be the grown up and get over it. Now SS refuses to visit his dad as long as he is with me so his dad told me.. FIX IT OR GET OUT! now I learn yesterday dad found out he has another child from 18 yrs ago that he is 99% sure he is dad of. I am told I am a jealous selfish bit*& and need to grow the fu*^ up. Sure I wish I had done things differently and probably not took out hostility towards BM on SS but it was so hard him being spoiled know-it-all who in his parents eyes was perfect.
THANK YOU!!!! I am in similar
THANK YOU!!!! I am in similar situation and am thinking about ending my marriage because I cant handle it. I thought I was evil for feeling this way.
Can't Stand my SS
I really hate that any of us have to go through this because we fell in love with our spouse!! I also so true and sad can't stand my SS he has been nothing but a problem and stress to me since the day I started dating his father. I have known my now husband for 20 years we lost contact for 13 of those and found each other threw myspace and fell madly in love. I have no children of my own and am 35 so I have lived the free life until I met him again and I have never dated a man with children before either so imagine all the sudden having a ss was so hard for me. His BM has not seen him or talked to him or paid a dime for him since he was 6. He has also had other women come and leave his life and has mental issue's because of that women leave his life and that's why what he has done confuses me more. He has done all in his power's to see that I leave his father. He lie's and lie's about everything and his dad is a cop and I am just very in tune with people and can read and judge them well and he always gets caught and still can't speak the truth. He not this summer the summer before beat I mean beat my chihuahua yes ladies my chihuahua and chased him around our house and scared him so bad that he would leave pee and poop all over the house from being scared so bad!! He has broken in to our neighbor's house, he has stolen from me, his father and who else only god knows. Its at the point where I hide in my room when he is home I can't be near him and cuz he is my hubby's son he sticks up for him and tells me but he tries so hard to do good he can't help it. Now he has gone to his grandpa and told him what's been going on here that he is bored and has nothing to do so he's bad and gets in trouble nothing to occupy his time we live in the country not my choice that was his dad's and he has no friends cuz he made them all mad and they don't want to play or they know the parent know about the break in and he is not allowed to play there anymore. Most of his problems were caused cuz he caused them. I feel bad I do but I have tried to forgive and I can't he has just done too much to me I don't know what to do. I have 5 more yrs he does not get out of high school until 19.5 yrs of age and he will be 14 soon.
I would hate to lose my marriage but I think I need to be happy and that is not here not with his son here and he is not going anywhere until after high school. His son is always here we never have a break ever and if we do it because we go somewhere but now the ss told grandpa that he wants to go with us his dad say's that's whats going to happen and we can't swear I try hard not too but I admit I do mostly in convo with the hubby mind you this is a smaller house you can hear everything, and were not allowed to argue anymore either there's all these new rules cuz ss wants it that way since when do I take commands from a 13 yr old...every parent needs time away even time in there house alone and we never get that either we sleep during the day since working hours are at night so he's in bed at night and work is at night and he is at school during the day and we sleep during the day and we get up at 3p and he gets home 3p do you see we never get a break thats all I see is him.
I never wanted to be a parent..never thought it would be this hard either but hey he was 12 turned 13 2 mths after we married..who wants to become a mom to a teenager to their first child..and on top of it my husband does not want any children with me!! or will he buy a house with me!! He did all this with his other wives...damn well I feel a little better sorry for the babble..
Okay Am I out of my Mind???
All these situations I can relate too. Except for the fact that my stepson is not doing anything illegal, he is an A and B student, and he's involved with sports. He just really dislikes me, and I can't say that I like him a whole lot either. I do care for him and love him, but I just hate the way he treats me and his passive personality. I need some advice!!! Because my husband is clearly not on my side and says I'm selfish and should be lucky that I have a stepson as good as he is. My story goes like this:
My husband and I met in 2001 when my stepson was 7 and we dated for about a year. My husband was getting out of a relationship with his daughter's mom (not my ss mom), and I hadn't met his children until we decided to move in together. When I met my ss, he was a nice kid and seemed friendly. But, when I met him again around his little sister a couple of weeks later, he seemed different... kind of quiet, mad, almost like he was moaping around because he had to compete for attention with his sister around. I didn't think much of it at the time, but than six months later he moved in with us full time. (BTW, his mom is a deadbeat and is in and out of his life. She's never taken an interest in having him live with her and doesn't pay a dime in child support.)When he came to live with us, he acted the same as he did when his sister was around, except now it was because I was in the picture (pregnant with our son). He acted out for attention, said mean things at times, and it was like he knew how to play my husband and I off on eachother to make us fight. I was not used to this or being a mother over night, so I went through some radical changes myself and had to adjust. Well, he's lived with us since and he and I have had our bout of troubles getting along. Mainly because my husband works out of town quite a bit and my ss acts so differently when his dad is around as well as when he's not. When my husband is not around my ss makes conversation with me and is really nice to me and is obedient when he wants something from me. When his dad is around, he acts like I don't exist, only talks to me when he has to, or brings up negative things about me to start a fight between my husband and I, and he ignores or acts like he doesn't want to be around his little brother (our youngest). This really hurts my feeling and gets under my skin. And, to make things worse he does it so passively that my husbands fails to see it and when I react not so passively, I'm to blame and it's me that is the villain. So, now my ss is 15 a freshmen in highschool, and I am pregnant with our second child together. The situation has gotten worse because of all the years of my ss making me miserable and causing fights, and me being hard on him because he does this. Now that he's older, he has no interest in his younger siblings, he really dislikes me, and he is more involved with his mom now. She still only comes around when it's convenient for her, but when she does... she really goes all out... takes him shopping, to concerts, does fun things. Makes me look like the b****, when I'm doing her job raising him. She calls him all the time, they text. They are more like friends, than parent/child.This past Thanksgiving, he and I got into it about the correct way to wash dishes which I've explained to him a million times before and it seems like he doesn't care and still does it the way he wants to purposely get under my skin. I confronted him and asked him why he does this and when I didn't get an answer I told him that I can't handle it anymore and if he doesn't like me or living with me, why doesn't he just go live with his mom. So, he went behind my back called his mom and told her how bad I treat him and how he doesn't want to live with us anymore. She called my husband and I got the wrath for it. I was blamed for trying to kick his son out. So now, I feel like I'm expected to be the parent, but not do any parenting. I don't even want to say or look at my ss most of the time as I feel like I'm walking on pins and needles and any time I say anything that is close to disciplining him, he makes a big deal out of it and acts like this huge victim. I don't know what to do. I'm at the point were I just feel like telling my husband it's me or him. He's got three more years in my house and I don't know how we are going to live them out without being miserable. Any advice??
Fury I never had before
I don't know if this site helps me realize I'm not alone or if it feeds my fury! I think stupid, bratty step kids should be illegal! My life has gone from being normal and happy to a pure living hell since my step son moved in 4 years ago. He has adopted his mothers traits of manipulation and constant lies. My husband still feels guilty that he left his son with the crazy b***h when he was only 3, so now he doesn't have the guts to disipline him properly almost 14 years later. I hate going home. I hate living with my step son. When SS is not around, DH and I get along great. When SS is around, we all fight. I think DH should back me more. I think SS should be punished more. I think SS should have been given a few good butt whippings when he was small - but NO - that is child abuse now. PLEASE! My story is so long that I could type all day. My DH & I have a lot of animals and as sad as it sounds, I think I would leave if we didn't have them. I can't imagine not being able to take them and there isn't an apartment that would allow that many - not to mention I probably couldn't afford all of the vet care alone! I love my husband, but my step son can push buttons I didn't even know I had. I have NEVER, in my 41 years on Earth, known anyone who could make me so angry that I turn into a raging, crazy person. I don't know that part of me. I don't like that part of me. I don't know what to do! Help! God give me patience! What timing - the UPS guy just walked in with the brat's new class ring - one of the countless things I took care of for him....why do I keep doing things for him? He doesn't deserve this ring that WE paid for. I'd like to throw it in the garbage!
This probably doesn't help
This probably doesn't help the situation; I do throw my ss stuff in the garbage. I have asked him countless times to pick up after himself. He'll look you straight in the face, eye for eye, and tell you, "yes, I've picked up all my stuff and it's in my room". He replies with this while his toys are scattered all over the living room. I advised him that if he continues to lie and not follow simple rules, then whatever toy/mess he is lying about will be tossed. I asked him if he understood this, he confirms he does. I have him repeat it back. He does. It amazes me that after being told, advised, made certain he understands, that he still is shocked when stuff is thrown away.
Of course, I don't always follow through on this, because he wouldn't have any toys left. So I ask if toys are going in the garbage today? (as I'm looking at the mess he is currently lying about). I'm starting to get smart alec replies of "nooo", as if I am so out of line for asking. It's (sadly) on these days that I enjoy walking with him to his pile of mess, which is supposedly is in his room, and tossing it in the garbage.
Lately, when I get the smart alec replies, I point out to him that being a smart alec makes him looks foolish because he is being cheeky and certainly will change his tune when I or his dad throw the toy away. More often than not, this does help. But I hate having to do this in the first place. I mean, dammit, just get up off your arse and put your toys/clothes/books/dishes/homework away!
This probably doesn't help with a 14.
I'd return that ring and go buy myself a great pair of shoes. Or make him work for it and the ring would be a reward. After all, that's how the work force is once he enters it. Things aren't just handed over; you have to work for the good things, right?
My ss is turning into something I just don't like to be around. I'm not going to give up my husband over that child, though. On occasions that my husband has his head buried in the sand and doesn't acknowledge what ss is doing, I describe the situation and ask if this would be acceptable at school? No? Then why is it ok at home? How about when he has a job? How long will that attitude/behavior keep him employed? I remind him that the kid needs structure from us, 'cause he sure as hell doesn't get that from his 'whatever you want son' mother. So far I've been lucky in that my husband tries to stay on track with our rules and discipline. I'd still try to point out things to your husband before you leave your life with him.
I see this was posted over a year ago, I hope things are going well now.
I could not agree more with
I could not agree more with your statement "I don't know if this site helps me realize I'm not alone or if it feeds my fury!"
I know what you mean - the
I know what you mean - the anger I feel towards TROLL and my skids at times turns me into a person I do not like. I never, ever thought that I could harbor such resentment towards a couple of kids - but God forgive me I do. The shady, manipulation they get away with is mind-boggling and my DH never see it - so of course when I bring it up I am the bad guy. I see them growing up to be carbon copies of their mother and that is a very sad, tragic thing....
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
I love this site!!!
OMG! I just stopped in to see if I am crazy/stupid/wrong/alone and I'm not! I have a similar story to all of yours but what it boils down to is that I cringe when my soon-to-be SS walks through the door. My fiance changes when he's around and he can't see it.He also doesn't like my son's behavior but says he has no ill feelings towards him. I don't believe it. He wants his son here all the time and expects me to "baby-sit." His son is a whiny, manipulative only child who knows how to play his father.Guilt prevents a lot of discipline where it is highly needed. I can't stand the unfairness with my son (we live in his house now and follow his rules)and the blindness that he has developed over many issues regarding his "near perfect" son. I hate my life. I should be happier. I love him but feel like it's just not enough anymore. Glad I am not alone.What a mess!
Step Son Problems - Haven't we all
Well, he is 5 years old and spoilt rotten!! Whatever he wants he gets. I have two children of my own - both teenagers who live in another country for schooling. Its unbelievable what he gets away with. His Dad doesn't see anything wrong with him at all. He talks to people like crap - like they should drop everything and do what he asks when he asks. And of course his dad doesn't even notice. He spends all day at work with us when he is not at school. My parter and I share the same office - so of course, this kid is in there with us playing all day. I would love to move to another office but there is no space, of course that won't fix the problem anyway. They talk to each other as though I am not in the room. I love my partner but god how do I make him see? We argue about it constantly. HELP HELP HELP
I'm usually the bad guy too.
I'm usually the bad guy too. My DH says I am the adult and I should handle it better. I admit I have gotten to a point of no patience. My give a damn is broken. I no longer care if I handle it right because I am so tired of living my life like this. The kid acts right when he wants something. After he gets what he wants, he turns back into the hateful, ungrateful jerk that he has grown to be. The sense of entitlement that kids have today KILLS me! Cell phones, vehicles, flat screen TVs, game systems, computers...it is insane! No wonder there is a world full of brats!
Oh honey - come sit by me
Oh honey - come sit by me and I could tell you things that would make your head spin!!
My give a damn is also so friggin broken!! I no longer have the energy, desire or the patience to try and cultivate any sort of "real" relationship with my skids. I tried for over 2 years and all it got me was heartache!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
You made me smile! Even
You made me smile! Even though I hate that people go thru this, it is somewhat comforting to know that others have gone thru and are going thru the same thing. I really don't want my marriage to end because of this. If my husband would let me move out and date me, and let me come to our home when the brat was at work or gone, I'd do it! LOL My SS's BM has gotten her revenge even if she doesn't know it. She hated that he was going to live with me - that another woman was going to raise her son, but the last laugh is on me because I am more miserable than she is right now I'd bet!
This is why we are all here
This is why we are all here - to share our stories and look for some answers and hope. I have found many good friends and kindred spirits through this site and am very grateful to know that I am not alone in this wonderful world of steparenting!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
What I don't like
Is the way SS16 has been raised from day one. When his parents were together, they were in their late 30's using fertility drugs because BM's tubes were tied, Zippy was made in a pitre dish and implanted (now that I think of it...hmmm) to FINALLY have Zippy.
They were Harrowsmith type Liberal Hippies(not all hippies are bad-just what they were into) parents- who wanted to raise Rainbow Boy with NO boundaries or discipline (they accomplished that)-SS's lack of consistent dedicated parenting has turned him into a sneaky,dishonest, manipulative, ungrateful person-with the common sense of the extinct DoDo bird
with No manners-NEVER says Please or Thank you-
Has the personality of a wet rag
Underachieves at everything in his own life
Has to be reminded EVERY day to wash and brush his teeth
Has a beard everyone else sees but him because he does no want to shave!
He is 16 years old and last night I made lasagna - SS did not have enough brain cells to know what implement to use to serve his own dinner with as Daddy(who now works two evenings a week) usually serves him!
FINALLY after staring at the lasagna for 1/2 an hour -he gets a plastic spatula and asks me
"Is this ok to use?"
I said
Zippy-what do you think? You have a good brain-use it!
Does DH think SS's behavior is as endearing to the rest of the world as it is to him?
YIKES
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Endora - has your SS been
Endora - has your SS been diagnosed with ADD or even further with Autism? My SS cant do a DAMN thing with out asking for permission. To borrow from another poster here, I have a "Broken Give A DAMN". He is in 4th grade and on the fast track express lane to failure and will be lucky if he doesnt get his *ss kicked on a daily basis.
It is a combination of a number of things from his mother doing EVERYTHING FOR HIM and the undiagnosed aspergers that he clearly has. My SS is also an ungrateful person-with the common sense of the nest of the extinct DoDo bird. I do not exist in the eyes of my SS. If he was on fire and I had a bucket of water, he would rather sit and smolder than have me put him out. To a point that he will say hi, good night, and I love you to his mom (of course) but he will say it to the dog, birds and the frickin' fish for the love of god, but NEVER to me - he wont acknowledge I am in the room - hes 9 years old and I have been in his life since he was 4, every day! This happened as recently as last night 11/1/11 and it might actually be the straw that breaks this marriage. My wife (for now) is beyond pissed that I did not say I love you to him after her said " love you guys" quietly from his room after hugging and telling his mom that he loved her as I was sitting next to her. Was I completely wrong to not reciprocate the forced, after thought whimper of I love you guys??
So on top of all the examples you listed above,(I experience the "lasagna" incident DAILY) I have to deal with my wife who makes excuse after excuse about why its ok for "skippy" to stand there for a half hour, ask if its ok to do the obvious and basically think its enduring for her 9 year old son to STILL have to have his ass wiped!!
I honestly do not even care that my wife is pissed. Im so over the drama. If she kicks me out over this, it will be infact her lose, as she is going do have to take care of her worthless son alone for ever. Hope it all worked out for you - any advice would be awesome.
Sign,
Broken Give A DAMN (borrowed from a previous poster)
WOW.... thank you for your
WOW.... thank you for your post.. I am in similar situation and its because my husband feels so guilty about his poor child being adhd and having a bi polar mother... that he does not have to be accountable for anything..
I am not alone, what a
I am not alone, what a discovery! I have a 15 y.o. SS who I am in constant conflict. What an unnatural situation - step relationship! He is a good kid, B student, involved in sports, no legal issues, black belt of karate, nice to other people. He dislikes me (hates me?), and I do not like his personality at all. I do not have a heart for him. When it comes to him, there is a hole in the place where my heart suppose to be...He treats me like I am a child and he is an adult. The very sad thing is, there are a lot of reasons for his behavior, and I am trying to find a reason for my 'cruelty", and I can not, so I have this heavy guilt sitting on my shoilders, that I am a very bad person. Everyone around me trying to teach me how I have to be patient, and how I have to be strategic, and how I have to say "i am proud of you" when I am not...I am so tired to live like this, I want my peace and quiet. the only way to find my self again - to learn how to accept. I can't live in constant war zone. I my own home I am like a stranger, and he is like a stranger. Where are you, Love? I need you!
sounds like we are in the same boat
Sounds like you and I are in the same boat. Does your spouse support how you feel at all. Is he/she on your side about things? I know mine says he is... but doesn't act like it at all. And, I have three more year of this s***. If I can last that long...
Stepson from hell
You all think you have it bad? Listen to this one.
My step son is will be 21 in March. He manipulated Social Security to get a whopping 675.00 per month because he doesn't want to work. He is lazy. He worships the devil and wears black all the time. He plays his real mom, me and his dad all the time to get what he wants. Here's the bad part.......my husband, (his dad) is totally obsessed with his son in a weird way. My husband acts like the little kid and his son acts like the father. If I could ring my SS neck, i would and blister his ass. I am so sick of him calling 2 to 3 times a day trying to disrupt our lives by asking for stupid things. I mean this kid is the ultimate.
He knows he is causing me and his father problems and continues to do it that much more. He has stole from me and lied continuously.
At this point, my husband is sooo obsessed with this kid that he has threatened to leave me so he can live with his son.....lol I'm beginning to wonder if there is hankey-pankey going on here!!!
Also...my husband is very abusive to me.
SOMEONE HELP ME BEFORE I LOOSE MY FRIGGIN MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
kimstewart47404@aol.com
thank God
I have finally found other people who can't stand their step-children. My step-son is 6. His father does not want to have to deal with the fact that his child is a BRAT!!! He is constantly in trouble at school. My 2-year old who is just beginning to talk is starting to tell me to shut-up because my SS6 tells me that. I am soooo afraid that she will pick up his other bad behaviors. He is at risk of not going on to first grade because he can't behave. He is in constant trouble, and he is super-smart so he is good at manipulating others to get his way, not that he has too. his bio-mom is not smart enough to see that he is manipulating her. BD doesn't care what the little brat is doing. I am his primary caregiver and the only person to provide him any sort of discipline. I hate this. Right now it is 6:30 and he has been in bed for 2 hours because he hurt my daughter and I just don't know what to do. I want to whip him and send him away, but I know that since I am the only consistent thing in his life, he will be better off if I try to stick out it. I love his father and he is a wonderful man, but sometimes I feel like giving up because I can't stand this child. I feel like a single parent who got someone else's mistake. I hate feeling that way, but I can't help it. I really don't like this child. He is aweful. Sorry guys just needed to vent
'I feel like a single parent
'I feel like a single parent who got someone else's mistake.'
I don't feel like a single parent (thank God!), but I do feel like I have to raise someone elses mistake! Well, I guess literally I am raising someone elses mistake. He certainly wasn't planned. Neither of them were or got married. Sometimes I worry that years down the line he may piss me off so bad I'll tell him what a true bastard he is, in every single sense of the word.
Today's battle
Picture this...bear with me if you will. Friday night I went to the grocery store & bought blueberries, strawberries, blackberries & yogurt to make myself smoothies for breakfast. This morning (Tues) I went in to make a smoothie and the blueberries are gone. I searched the entire fridge and then asked husband and SS what happened to the blueberries. Both claimed to not know. I looked thru the fridge again. I'm getting more angry by the minute. Blueberries, to my knowledge, are not capable of sprouting legs and walking out of the fridge. I ask again - What happened to the blueberries? No one knew. My husband tells me I need help. Wants to know why I am so upset about blueberries. I first try telling him that I feel like I'm losing my mind because I know they were there. He keeps pressing me - wanting to know why I'm so upset about blueberries. Finally I say as I point to SS - Because he lies to me so much that I think he knocked them out of the fridge and swept them up & threw them away & now he is afraid to admit it because he doesn't want to get in trouble. My husband gets furious and tells me I owe SS an apology and I shouldn't be accusing him like that. I ask, what else could have happened? He doesn't know. SS leaves for school (He is 17). I decide to scrape under the fridge and see what I find. GUESS WHAT???? BLUEBERRIES!!!! I go to trash can outside. GUESS WHAT???? THE REST OF THE BLUEBERRIES AND THE CONTAINER! Now the magic blueberries have sprouted wings and flown themselves to the outside trash! WOW! SS STILL will not admit to throwing them out. Husband swears he didn't throw them out - that if he had dumped them accidentally, he would have told me and washed them off because they would still be fine. I agree! SS does not have enough common sense to think like that, so another factor that leads me to believe it could only be the SS. By the way, no one else lives there or has been in our house, so you tell me...who could have done it???? How can some people LIE like they breathe? How can my SS sit & watch my husband and I get in a huge fight and not admit what he did? I think I am being put thru a cruel test. I now live with the person who can drive me crazier than anyone in my life EVER has been able to do. I can not wait until he moves out of our house - if my marriage lasts that long.
Ugggrr.. The messing with my
Ugggrr..
The messing with my fruit AND lying about it?!?! That would piss me off, too.
You're not crazy; it's principle of not being able to trust someone who's in YOUR home.
One more year and he can go to college and move out!
Doubtful
I fear that I won't be that lucky! I'm afraid he will decide to go to college the first year or two locally. The other thing that could happen is that he moves out the second he turns 18 because he hates living with me as much as I hate living with him. If that happens, although it sounds like a dream, my husband will blame me and accuse me of running him off! Either way I lose! If we do get lucky and he goes to college out of town it will be good - except for the extra expenses. Lord knows that the BM will not give a penny to help out. She doesn't pay her child support all the time, nor does she contribute a penny to his health care. The insurance comes out of my check and she is supposed to pay for 1/2 of medical bills, but he has lived with us for over 4 years now and has had 2 sports injuries and normal illnesses and we have not seen one penny of her half of the money for that. Of course, when SS lived with her, she thru a fit if she didn't have her money within a week of paying a dr. bill. Low life losers who have kids - it should be against the law.
This is a rant or major
This is a rant or major venting. Read only if you're bored.
It is easy to say 'there are bigger fish to fry' and 'pick your battles'. That doesn't help when you go to make your goddamn smoothie and you can't because the skid has done something with the fruit. Where I live, fruit is damn costly. So is my time when I have to go to the store and buy it all over again and not even have the pleasure of drinking the smoothie in the first place! If my husband were to drill me on why I am so upset, I would SOOO not let it go when I found the blueberries in the garbage. I would have pointed out this is exactly why I am pissed off. Who is lying, you or skid?! Husband, do you want me to start doubting your sanity? Are you going insane? Can't remember that you dumped the blueberries in the garbage? Does my doubting your sanity upset you, husband? Well husband, welcome to my world.
I feel for you. I'll share my story. I am sorry (or am I?) to say mine has a happier ending, as far as my husband is concerned.
I snack on gold fish crackers. I love them. My ss *didn't*. Of course, being the little person he is, he just lovesss them now. I usually snack on them when I am working at my desk. When his dad wasn't in the room (out of ear shot, I should clarify) he would ask me why I am always eating the fish crackers. I explained how yummy they are, and I like to snack on them so I am not so hungry by the time I make dinner. He continued asking me this same question. So one time I asked if he has forgotten my answer? It is still the same as the last 50 times I've answered this exact question. He (lied) and said he forgot. I recommended that he remember, as I will not longer be providing an answer to this redundant question. One afternoon ss is expected home any moment. I finish my work at my desk and take the crackers into our bedroom and kick back to snack and read. My husband comes into the bedroom and asks why I'm reading in here (he and I are still joined at the hip and we like to be in the same room as one another). I advise that I want to eat the (goddamn) crackers and read without being grilled on why I am eating the crackers. My husband thinks I am going crackers. He (nicely) advises that I must be mistaken as he has never heard ss say anything of that nature to me. I tell him he hasn't heard this because SS grills me when you are out of earshot. I can see my husband doesn't believe me. Low and behold, ss comes home, walks right into our bedroom, FIRST words out of his mouth - why are you always eating those crackers? Vindication never felt so sweet. Or is that validation? In my own defense I eat the crackers once every two or three weeks or so. It's not like I have that box connected to me like a feeding pail. After SS said the magic words, it was like a trough of ice cold water dumped on my husbands head. He freaked (not really, but compared to his lackadaisical attitude regarding SS in the past, it was almost like freaking... lol).
Now you would think that SS would NOT bring that up again. The next time he saw my husband and I snacking on the fishes, he asked me (notice the exclusion of my husband, ss father) why I am eating them. My husband answered. He wasn't polite about it. We thought this would be resolved once and for all, as ss stated he knows why we snack and will not ask that particular question any longer. The following day, I assumed I can relax and munch without censorship from the SS. When SS arrived home from school, he didn't ask, he instead stated, you are always eating those crackers. My husband went off. I asked if there is something else that my ss prefer I snack on? Something that would meet with his approval (this is tongue in check, I don't really give a shit what he would prefer we snack on). He replies to both my husband and I that he wants both my husband and I to NOT eat ANYTHING while he is not here. It was at this point that I have since entertained the thought that my ss is mildly retarded. He's much too old and, I had thought, educated to think that both my husband and I will eat nothing while he is at his bm's house. My husband clarified 'absolutely nothing'? How do you think people survive? It was a long conversation. As SS refused to articulate why his farther and I eating the crackers (that he doesn't even like) bothers him so. But it still feels good to remember how my husbands eyes were opened to my ss attitude, and I do like remembering how he finally came to my defense.
So it's been around a year since ss has said anything like that. A little over a week ago he asked why the cracker box was empty in the trash. I answered, that is where trash goes, in the garbage. Empty boxes = trash = garbage. He said 'what'? As if he didn't hear my reply. His dad told him if he isn't going to listen to the answer, don't ask the question. I replied, we went through this last year, if you think we are going to do it again, you'll go immediately into time out and then bed. He stopped. This morning while I was getting him ready for school, he tried to bring it up. He said remember when I asked you last week about the crackers? I replied yes, I remember. He said, well why was the box in the garbage. It's little things like this that make me unhappy. They add up and up and I start to become angry. I replied that if he really doesn't know what garbage is, I'll help him learn by giving him his fathers chore of taking out the trash. He didn't reply to that. I should have followed through and asked if he thinks he understands what garbage is now. However, I was fed up with feeding him, making his lunch, getting him ready for school, correcting his homework and he in return, showing me how gracious and grateful he is by trying to start this BS all over again.
When I was young, I never cared what my parents ate. Or what they did for that matter. As long as it didn't interfere with my paperdolls time or playing outside, I could care less. It's weird little things like this where we're wondering why does he even think about things like this? He has all the food he can eat. He has plenty of toys and reading material. Outside toys to play with... why spend time making trouble or getting into trouble.
I could go on for days. I think I'll go eat some crackers.
I just sooooooo understand
I just sooooooo understand about the blueberries. I think teenage step-children are the most challenging. Lack of manners is the thing that is getting to me at the moment....
Just 'hi, how has your day been' or 'I'm just off now, see you later' would be wonderful. Instead, they just walk in or out without so much as an acknowledgement.
There's tons of other stuff...but am I the only one that feels invisible?
No. Yo are not the only one
No. Yo are not the only one who feels invisible.
I get my ss ready for school (wake him up, make breakfast, make lunch, help with clean clothes, correct homework so he doesn't get F's). If my husband is still home, he gets the kisses and hugs goodbye. If my husband is at work, then I may get a verbal bye.
He doesn't acknowledge stuff either, or maybe a better description is he doesn't show polite manners. I like to sat Bless you when someone sneezes. I recently noticed that when my SS sneezes and I say Bless you, he doesn't say thank you. I know this is silly and small, but still. So I stopped saying Bless you. Obviously he isn't interested. Guess how many fake sneezes he did this morning, waiting for the Bless you, I'll assume. I went outside and watered the plants instead.
same here
I am more and more disliking step son as he is turning into a spoiled, arrogent lil azzhole, like his mother.
She buys him expensive toys ( new playstaion, new car for his 16th birthday) to where nothing is good enough for him and he is rather snobby.
I have noticed the more I act like I like him, the less he wants to come around, as we are relatively POOR people in his eyes and he is a wealthy 16 year old.
I can't wait until he is of age ( which will be 19) because he failed a grade, so child support will contiunue until he graduates....
if he will graduate, he is dumb as a doorknob and barely passes every year. I am betting he will end up fli[pping nurgers and living with his bio mom when he's 40 like some mommas boy loser.
I'll trade you one SS for
I'll trade you one SS for THREE "mini" BMs SDs.
Any takers? No? Come on, ladies, they look and ACT just like their selfish mean and crazy Bio mom!! And I've got not one but THREE mini hers coming into my home and trying to break daddy and I up.
Aggggrr........just count down until he's 18 and out of the house.
_____________________________________________________
We've all seen Cinderella; only a fool would mistreat the woman responsible for her kids when they're with daddy.
Crazy?
I have tried for several years to get along with my step-son and seems more and more, that I just can't get along with him or trust him. My SS moved in when he was 11. His BD and I have a 2 yo together. I finally gave his BD an ultimatum last year and said my SS had to leave. It went on for a year prior to this of physical fighting between my SS and his BD. My SS would have people in the home, knowing he was NOT to have people in the house if no one else was there. He also SAID he would be staying with friends, got in, took the vehicle w/out a license or permission and had a party. He denied it at first, but knew he was busted so finally fessed up. The final straw came when he was mad over his cell phone being turned off as punishment and he stated he didn't know what he was going to do, but it was going to be big. My SS is here for the summer, I thought I could handle him being here for a few weeks, but I'm not sure I can. Another time he called because he couldn't get in the house, so his BD gave him the code, I had locked the house up just in case. My SS used a screwdriver to pry the door open and I was positive I had locked it, I KNEW he had been in. He has been told he has to replace the lock he damaged, but other than that nothing will be done because his BD feels he gave him permission since he gave him the code. He is now 17, has joined the Army (but I have a feeling he is going to try to get out of it), refuses to work and expects someone to drive him anywhere he wants to go or hand him a vehicle. His BD thinks I am just out to get his son, I will admit, I do not trust him, but I feel I have given him more than enough chances for me to earn his trust. Normally his BD and I get along, but seems like we won't when my SS is around. He feels I should discipline my SS, I feel it is his responsibility. We DEFINTELEY have two VERY different parenting styles. I feel he should know where his son is and he should have a curfew, he allows him to stay out as late as he wants, or stay where he wants without calling and saying where he is. Sorry ... this became really long, but I needed to vent!
My SS is always the victim.
OMG, I just happend to look for this today after another day of my SS playing the victim. I have an 11 year and my SS turned 8 recently. Whenever my SS gets hurt or upset with any other kids he runs to his dad and plays the victim. Their is dad taking it all in, yet my SS never shares his involvment in anything. He won't admit to anything he does in the house, thus my 11 year old gets in trouble for things he didn't do (and had never done in the past). I want to like my SS but he gets on my nerve, if the older kids have something then he HAS to have it to. I keep telling my husband, that my SS is 8 and shouldn't get to do everything that the other 11, 12 year old cousins get to do but my husband thinks that his son is being mis treated. He is a little lying, crying, whinny brat and I just don't care for him.
STEP SON DRIVING ME INSANE LITERALLY
When my husband and I first started dating everything was wonderful. He had a 3 year old that would occasionally come over and stay and I absolutely adored him. Well, his mom moved them to California. 9 Months later we went to pick him up in California so that he could spend the summer with us before his dad deployes in August. Let me add a few details about his son.
**They never put him on real food ( his mother). When we picked him up he was 4 years old eating level two baby food. Blind fully since birth**
** My husband ex wife cheated on him before they got married, when they got marred they lived in two different states. Met up for 2 weeks. Out of those two weeks they tried one weekend to get pregnant (she wanted a baby) and they magically did. Then she moved to where he was stationed, and cheated on him ever since up until he divorced her. My husbands son looks nothing like him or his mother. He said he wonders if his son is his son but to scared to ever find out**
My life turned to hell at that very moment.My husband completely started to ignore me as soon as we got him. He would bite me kick me in the stomach ( Im pregnant). Tell me he hated me everything. It was so bad even before we got on the plane to come back to Florida that I started crying my eyes out in the middle of the airport. You can say it's my hormones but you dont understand. It's not.
Ever since we got him back to Florida all me and my husband do is fight. I dont want to be around this little boy at all. My husband makes me tell the kid I love him when I dont. I work full time and when I come home all I want to do is lay around and enjoy my time. I get yelled at if I just sit there and I dont play with him.
This kid is still peeing himself and pooping himself. He wont walk he wants to be carried and my husband tries to tell me that I should carry him. I'm pregnant. And he doenst understand that. At bed time he wont go to bed he screams for his dad. If my husband shows me any type of affection the little boy gets mad.
He still bites me and when he kicks me in the stomach dad just says he didnt hurt you.
We have never got into fights like we do now. He has told me that his child comes first. I love my husband so much. I just cant handle him putting me and out baby out to the side.
It has gotten so bad to where I had to go see a mental health professional. I get migraines all the time. I want this kid to go home and never come back. I have never felt this way about a child before. But I can say honestly say I hate him.
Im not alone!
I just got off the phone with my husband and he informed me that my stepson was spending the night with us. As usual my stomach started to turn and my blood started to boil. We have my stepson 3 nights out of the week and tonight is not one of them! I feel like such a horrible person for not wanting my stepson around and for disliking him so much. but as hard as I try to forgive all that ive gone through because of him... I just cant. AND I cant help but hold it against him. Our story is very long and ofcourse it has to do with my stepsons mom and her always trying to get in our business!! But more so with my stepson himself. He is a bratty, whiney, annoying, loud and needy child. He is so used to the way things are at his moms, that when he comes to our home and doesnt like our rules, he has a melt down! He runs back to his mom and tells her that I am mean to him and hes scared of me! Im sorry that I have rules in my household!! Sooo needless to say that whenever I know he is going to be around I try not be there! I schedule my workouts and outtings on the nights that he is with us! I hate that I have to do these things and I love my husband more than anything in this world but sometimes I wonder if loving my husband is worth all this mess! I cant begin to tell you all how happy I am to have found this website! I have never, ever, EVER told anyone how I truely feel! And I honestly thought I was alone! I new that other stepmoms had issues with thier step kids but I thought I was the only one who REALLY disliked hers!! Thank you for this website! And hopefully one day all will be well in the world of blended families!!
Thank goodness I'm not the
Thank goodness I'm not the only one. My SS is 13yr, incredibly immature and incredibly lazy. Even though I have been his SM for 7 years, I just cannot like this child. I have always felt so awful for thinking this, but it's good to see I'm not alone. I really have tried. When I try to kid around with him, he just stares blankly at me like I'm from another planet. If I tease him (in a joking way, just like I do with the other kids), he cries and asks his dad why I'm picking on him (like I said, very immature for a 13 yr old). Snuggling? Forget it. We have snuggle time every night with the kids before we send them to bed, and that kid won't come near me.
I guess he can't stand me as much as I can't stand him. I just hate having him in the house. I'm a very touchy feely loving person (ha! doesn't sound like it does it lol), so when a child refuses me to get close to them, even after 7 yrs of trying, I guess it hurts my feelings and makes me a little angry. Oh well...only 5 more years before we can kick him out lol. (j/k) Phew. Good to get that off my chest.
WOW...so nice to see that
WOW...so nice to see that I'm not the only one dealing with these issues. My fiancee and I lived together for 1 year until the BM couldn't handle SS's behavior anymore and SS came to live with us.
Things were ok at first and I let behavior issues slide so he had time to adjust to things with us. One year later, he is 8 now, and things are unbearable. My fiancee and I never had one single argument until the SS moved in, now all we do is argue.
SS lies about me to his father, tells him I screamed at him, which I have never ever done, never says thank you when I buy him gifts (which I am no longer going to do), never says hello/goodbye unless my fiancee is there and makes him say such. I feel totally invisible when they are together - like I am totally the third wheel.
I love my fiancee, but cannot stand his parenting - SS gets in trouble and written up at school EVERY SINGLE DAY and yet he is allowed to come home, watch tv, do sloppy homework, and not have a bedtime and my fiancee doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with SS's behavior.
I can relate to the blueberries story above - SS is constantly drinking my fountain drink that I save for post-workouts. However, after training, my glass is constantly empty and I have caught SS several times drinking all of my drink then lying about it when confronted about it. I have asked SS several times to not do so or to ask for his own drink. When i asked my fiancee to please address the issue, he tells me I'm acting like an 8 year old and to let it go?!?? This has been going on for months and I cannot stand the lack of respect for other people's belongings and the blatant lying - it makes my fiancee look like such a sucker and I have lost so much respect for him as a parent.
SS also throws his things around the house, spills things on the walls constantly, and complains that he "has soo many chores" when I ask him to brush his teeth. He doesn't have a single chore EVER!
I am tempted to leave everything and run, but I love my fiancee - however, I feel his parenting is horrible when it comes to teaching right from wrong. I want a good relationship with SS, but if I say it's black, he says it's white - anything to contradict what I have to say.
Things were great when he first lived with us and was respectful because he was afraid of going back to his BM's, but now at almost 9 he's more defiant and tells lies to his BM that we allow him to watch rated R movies. I cannot stand his attitude and how misbehaved he is - I understand the guilt parents have when their kids come from one household to another, but after over a year of giving him "time to adjust", I think that is plenty of time to start disciplining him correctly. For 10 months, he slept in our room until I finally got tired of it and said that he has his own room, his own bed, and I can't stand not having time with my fiancee without worrying about waking up SS because of our talking or the TV being too loud.
My fiancee tells me I should "be more patient", but after over one year of waiting on things to change, I think my patience is running out.
Anyway, it's so nice to vent on here and see everyone's stories, what a relief that I am not the only one in the world in this situation!
Wow... I read and re-read
Wow... I read and re-read your post and have alot of empathy for your situation but I also feel for your SS. It sounds as though he's had no stability in his life since he was a toddler. His moms eratic behaviour, the fact that his dad's shipped off often, different living situations, feeling abandoned by his mom and dad and maybe you when the split happened, all must have really shaken him. More kids coming in to "replace" his station. No matter what happens or what he says about his new siblings, that's probably how he feels.
In situations like this I think we all see kids acting out, the way they get attention is through bad behaviour. We have to teach them we re-mold our instincts to pay more attention to them when they're doing negative things. Instead we have to find ways to show them that doing the "right thing" is the way to get the attention they're desperate for. It starts small, for many of us, finding a good deed to reward is like finding the needle in the haystack. Do something with him simple, like, go grocery shopping and bring just him along. Ask him to go get you something on the list, something on the same isle as you (so you can keep an eye on him) let him bring it back to the cart. Praise him, tell him how you feel so comforted knowing you can rely on him to help you when you need it. Do that for other things, like picking up his socks, again, letting him know that you appreciate him being a team player... ANYTHING this kid does positive, even stuff you have to ask him to do! Show him you're on his team, and he in turn is on yours.
When he's doing something negative, fight the urge for the hour long lecture and the week long grounding. Pick your battles wisely.
Since his dad isn't always there, you're the constant in his life. He needs to feel secure, wanted, loved and that nothing could replace him in your family.
Put yourself in his shoes for a moment and see how safe you feel. How willing would you be to put yourself and your emotions out there when it all may change tomorrow? This child is still young and you have time to make positive change. Good luck to you!
My fiancé has a 13 yo son who
My fiancé has a 13 yo son who makes me crazy!! He manipulates his father all the time, but of course his father doesn't see it. I see it - clearly and it makes me sick. I have my own two children and somehow his son is always the one who runs the show. I've taught my children to be considerate and now this has gotten out of hand. My future SS and I got into it and I told him that I could see right through him and that he wad not going to manipulate me. So then he turns the tears on and my fiancé feels guilty. It really upsets me. So today my fiancé is spending the day with his son,away from us, because the boy doesn't want to be around me. I have, for two years now, entertained his son, waited on him, spend my money on him, and now this is how my fiancé decides to handle his sons poor behavior by separating us. Any advice? This boy is turning out exactly like his BM, a manipulative liar. It's very sad. I can't understand how my children have structure and guidelines and this boy does whatever and whenever he wants. What am I supposed to say to my children?
New to this, but so glad that
New to this, but so glad that I am not alone. I feel bad and guilty for feeling this way. My fiance has a soon to be 5yr old daughter that I find really annoying. So my question is...can it really work out between us if I dont like his daughter?? I find myself in a bad mood the weekend she is with us and really dont want to be around her. I don't think I could ever see her as one of my own. She whines all the time and if she hears something she doesn't like from her dad, she starts crying that she wants her mother. She has the worst table manners, we can't even take her out to eat! Seems like her mother doesn't teach her anything except to think her stepdad his her dad...but that's a different story! I can't seem to understand why I feel this way. I have two children of my own and they are stepchildren to someone else and I feel bad when my ex tells me he fights with his wife because of our children. I think I have tried to be understanding, but deep down I so don't look forward to coming over on His weekends. When we first moved in together, she slept on the bed with us, which got old fast. She would cry all night and not let anyone sleep! She know has moved into her own bed (folding bed) but in our room, right next to her dad. So we still experience the crying at night, not as much, but still really annoying! So I have brought up the question to my fiance...how long is she going to sleep next to our bed and I just get, well not forever. I am really struggling with this issue. I don't have the heart to bring this up to my fiance, I mean I would be angry to hear him say he thought my kids are annoying...Needless to say, very frustrated, but it's nice to hear I'm not the only one who has these issues...
Wow I am feeling a little
Wow
I am feeling a little discouraged after reading all these posts.
I have been a mom for thirty years and have raised three kids mostly by myself so naturally I assumed I had the skills needed to live with the love of my life who has two kids he was raising alone. To top off my arrogance I am educated and almost done with a BA in psychology along with many certificates and an AS degree in mind body spirit connections. Needless to say I was thinking things would be fine and we could create a family together. I bought us a house and we all moved in, my youngest is a 15 year old girl and his are a now 13 year old boy and a 17 year old girl. Most of us get along just fine and are enjoying each other, but.......My sweetie's son is not at all happy about giving up center stage with his father. His jealousy has made everyone miserable. To top it off his BM is clinically mentally ill and has been a very negative influence on the boy. He is the rudest most disrespectful child I have ever met and treats me like the enemy no matter what I try to do for him.He too likes to lie about anything even in my face when he cannot deny wrongdoing. His dad also has guilt issues and is afraid to really discipline the boy for being disruptive.He wants to do what is right and they have started seeing a counselor, but on the first visit the boy started out by saying he hated me, and lying about his own father by saying he is abused( my sweetie is the kindest father I have ever met) that is what drew me into him in the first place was the kindness and affection he gives his kids. My sweetie came home heart broken and scared that his son is crazy like his mother. Neither of us knows what to do about this boy, we are at a loss. He likes to be mean, he does it intentionally, and has made threats about coming into our room as we sleep and killing us by slitting our throats.He scares me, and I worry as he gets older he will get meaner and maybe one day hurt us or some one else. My own daughter does not want to even be home because of him and spends most of her time with her best friend, I am afraid I am losing her, and I feel like this boy is running the show, the more he bitches and complains the harder his dad tries to appease him.I feel like a prisoner in my own home being held hostage by a jealous mean little boy.I am both happy and sad at having found this site. Glad because I can vent and people understand, but soooo sad that this is so common.
Good luck to us all.I hope none of us end up on the news. :?
I have to post a comment
:sick:
I have to post a comment here. I have the exact same problem. My stepson comes over to our house 2 days a week and he is a year older than me and my fiances son (4 and a half). He is developmentally delayed. He does things two year olds would do, like playing with my son's books in the bathtub (and ruining them) and peeing in the middle of a crowded playground. My son who is 3 and a half is articulate and very smart. My stepson is nothing like him. We're waiting on the results of genetic testing to see if he is actually my fiances blood relation. I am praying he is not. I know it is selfish of me not to want him to be here, to not like him, or to be annoyed with him pretty much all the time.. but I can not help myself. I looked this up on the internet to see if I was normal or not, but I guess I am not alone. I can not help but be bothered by my stepsons lack of manners or brains, and I feel no responsibility towards him because he isn't my kid and I didn't create him or any of his problems. I don't really feel guilty about it, even though I am embarrassed to admit to people that I feel like this. I help feed him and make sure he is taken care of when he is here, but I don't hug him or read to him because I don't feel its my job. I am dissapointed that this is my reality, and I am praying it is not permanent.. am I horrible for being so resentful of/irritated/annoyed with a child? I have never experienced this before and I just want my fiance and our children to myself..
amen, I want my husband and
:jawdrop: amen, I want my husband and the 2 youngest SS's to ourselves. The oldest is a jerk and just twisted like his mother. He is just there to cause drama.
OMG!! @StressedMom our
:O OMG!! @StressedMom our stories are so VERY similar. Although, my husband is not in the military. SS is around the same age. BM is a real piece of work. In and out of SS life. I even hold some resentment towards my hubby because I feel like I've had to clean up their mess. I didn't create this lil' monster, but I'm the one that has to deal with all of his problems. He has been diagnosed with medical issues, just like BM. He is ADHD and ODD. This, now 14-yo child purposely destroys my 8yo sons toys. Swear, it was an accident. I'm sorry after the 100th time it is NOT an accident anymore. I'm sorry, but I just don't like him. He's a thief, liar, manipulator and causes all sorts of arguing in my home. BM doesn't want him and now we are stuck.
Hubby loves his son, but also does not like the person he is. He lies on me to hubby just to cause arguments. I could very easily throw my hands up here. It's only getting worse. We have tried counseling and medication to no avail. We have had our pastor pray over our family. What gives?!?! This kid has burned a hole in my couch, stolen my jewelry, stolen money, stole from teachers desk @ school. He got in so much trouble at school he is now homeschooling online. 
This is so not what I bargained for. He lies about completing his work and it's just a constant battle. I will be so happy when he turns 18. I just don't know how much more I can take. Did I mention, he hates me. Yes, he has told me this to my face. He has swung and tried to physically hit me. He does not appreciate anything I do for him. He has no respect for me whatsoever. Then, since he's here with me 24/7 I can't get a break from him. I hate having to be the "adult" and do the right thing when all I get is a smart@ss little kid. How can you want to help a kid like this when they treat you bad? Hubby and I have looked into having him sent to military school, but the prices are outrageous. He does not only argue with me, but with everyone. He has no friends. All the other kids don't like him because he lies and starts trouble with them. If he was in school at this point there is no doubt in my mind he would get beat up on a daily basis. I feel so embarrassed when we go to friends houses and he does something to their kids or steals from them. I feel embarrassed about the way I feel about him, but I can't help it. He's so fake that when we go places people that don't know us say oh he's such a nice kid, well mannered child. I think to myself he's sly just like the devil. You can tell just by being around him that he is not normal. We have had him tested for learning disabilities on numerous occasions and they keep telling us there is nothing wrong, but he doesn't comprehend anything. He's supposed to be in the 8th grade, but he's still learning 4th grade math?? HELLOOO.. Houston we have a problem. His last shrink said that he's just a slow learner and he needs repetitiveness and that we are doing the right thing by having him at home, because he can't get one on one at school. Okay -- who does that leave to do it. ME! My hubby knows exactly how I feel because at times I know he feels the same way. It's embarrassing to him that his son is turning out to be this bad person. My hubby has talked to him and asked him does he want to wind up in prison? It's sad, but it's like SS doesn't care. SS and my son used to share bedroom, but I won't allow my son to sleep in the same room with him. I just don't know what may happen and I could never live with myself because I know that SS is not normal. He has never hurt himself, but we found a stolen knife under his mattress. I just hate being in this situation. I have dealt with so much from SS over the years. I don't completely blame SS for everything, as I've said BM has mental issues and they both were diagnosed with same types of issues. Also, BM was using drugs while pregnant. It's been 10 years since I've met her and she is no farther in life than she was 10 years ago. Still moving from place to place, different husbands/boyfriends, several divorces and barely 30 years old. Had another child at some point and lost rights to that child all together. I'm just angry that I have to deal with her problems. She should be the one suffering, not my husband and I. I can't believe I just said EXACTLY how I felt, but it felt GREAT! It also feels great to know I'm not the only one out here going through this situation. No one I know has to deal with step-children or a child with problems like this. All of my friends/family have normal family issues. Good luck to other moms in my situation. I wish there was an answer for us all. If anyone has any advice, PLEASE FEEL FREE to let me in. 
I feel like no one sees what
I feel like no one sees what I do. I just hide in my room waiting for the hours to pass by until he is gone. My SS puts on a show and has no friends. His brothers are so different. The other SS's are cute kids.
My husband and I are so great
My husband and I are so great together except when his oldest child 13 is around. He is so dirty, lazy, and just all around manipulative and a liar. He twists the truth and makes by hubby feel sorry for him. He has 2 more sons 10 and 8 that are just so cute and lovable. We went to counseling last night and that woman made me feel so horrible, like I have to cater to m SS's bad grades, attitude, and manipulation. I really think she may have had the hots for my hubby, she was always smiling at him and telling him she understands because she is a parent (one that is married and has no experience in a blended family). The 13 y/o is so horrible he didn't even show up to our wedding- his dad and mom have been divorced for 5 years and separated for 7 years and his mom left my hubby and 2 of her sons for 2 years for her now wife (woman). I am at my witts end and I am happy when that SS is not around and it is just the 4 of us.