Hi, I'm new here, so I guess you have heard lots of lines like these ones. I hope I can find some guidance from your experiences.
I've been married for about a year, and living with my now husband for another two years. He has two kids, 11 and 15. I never agreed with my husband in his policy of not talking to them about us, or sit with them or with me and discuss you know, who I was, some authority issues... He takes charge in everything and for long, even a minor comment from me ended in "you don't like them". Since their mom quickly moved in with someone, he tried to be "different" and keep our relationship in shadows for a really long time, he did'n want them to be aware of us "until the proper time". Long time has passed, but well, we are married and they come every other weekend. And... They simply don't get who I am. I feel as the cleanning lady. For them, everything... everything... is theirs, it only exist dad and them, therefore everything in and around the house is theirs. House, cars, atv's, bikes,things in the house, spaces, for them... I have nothing, owe nothing, nothing to ssy...and I'm just who happens to live here and attend their dad. Eventhough they are good kids (no major behavioral issues), I feel not respected at all, because they do not have any boundaries or show any sign of knowledge about what is going on here, they don't seem to conceptualize what does it means that his father remarried, and he having a wife. They enter to the house not even saying hello, they go though me like and object if they need to reach something, take my work laptop as their personal gamebox, I ask for a favor... and nothing...ask them to help me with something at the house... nothing.
Being a career woman, paying bills, mortgage, taking care of household and everything, I feel anulled.
It is also hard for me to keep my mouth shut, and I try really hard to do it because I know sometimes is better to count and then talk. I've been trying smoothly to introduce the topic to my husband, but the basic answer remains the same: "you don't like them". I have to admit some improvement, but the feeling... has not change a bit.
This "improvement" took place when he had to give me credit on months of warnings about some development issues with the older one, I saw that since the beggining, but had to be a mere observer for years, because he was denying every observation I gave. Not very happy, he went with me to a specialist, and we received a preliminar diagnose...I was right. This make him realize I guess, that many of may observations were true, and not just that I "didn't like him". But this is just a first step.
I don't know if I'm wrong, but I always though he, and then we, should approach them in order to introduce them gently to this new "family", where all should have equal rights and be respected, that my husband and I should discuss an strategy among us as how to approach the discipline issues, to discuss our standards in terms of education and manners, etc. But he always had de idea that "they are smart, they will get it, I don't want to do the same as my ex"... or " you don't like them"
Our relationship is great, and would be and exceptional marriage....but this is the only issue between us... quite one. I desperately need some guidance as to how resume talks on the matter, I found patience where I thought It was nothing left, but I am proactive, I do not give up, and my husband is so pasive to face this things, and so agressive when it comes to his kids... that I'm lost, because I am not the kind of person that sits and wait.

Any thought will be really appreciated.