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Doesn't want to parent

Kelker89's picture

My partner has 3 kids and they are here EOWE. We continue to get in disagreements over his children. For the longest time I didn't say anything about his parenting but as the children get older they seem to get away with more and more. I believe children need structure and some rules to become successful and well behaved human beings. If I don't say anything the kids are left to do whatever they want. I have my own biochild and I parent him differently because I want him to grow up and be respectful, caring, helpful and wise. My partner has admitted to me that he hates parenting and that he just gives into everything the kids want because it gets them out of his hair. I let him know that might be the easier way out right now but when they get older and they don't know the word no or taught how to respect a home and others it will turn into a disaster. For instance last week SS13 called his father a F***ING Little B***h because he didn't get his way, if it wasn't for me saying you better do something about this behaviour then he wouldn't of been grounded. SS13 was grounded for 2 days and during those two days my partner tried to make me feel bad by saying SS13 should be allowed to watch TV cause it's only tv infront of SS13 to make me look like the bad guy. Like man up and be a parent. If my child called me that he'd be grounded for more then 2 days. I'm just at my wits end with all of this.

CajunMom's picture

Your SO is okay with his 13 year old kid calling him a F-ing Little Biotch??? How's that impacting your bio child, seeing those behaviors "okay'd" by your SO? What's your respect level for this guy????

I'm with hereiam....he should give up visitation with his kids. He's doing a horrble job. 

Rags's picture

I would scrub daddy's nose in that toxic crap and inform daddy that his toxic spawn will not be allowed in the home with your young child after that crap.  You cannot stop your child from picking up that kind of toxic crap from his shallow and polluted gene pool failed family half sibs except by it never happening.

After that, that kid would not be allowed in my home or near my child.  No child should ever hear that level of toxicity or disrespect toward their father by anyone.


How can you respect this idiot of a DH that you have saddled your own child with as his father?  He tolerates this from his failed familoy spawn.  Really?

Kelker89's picture

It doesn't make things any easier that SS13 main home is full of cursing, yelling, fighting and drinking. Also, when SS13 is grounded at his mother's she just lets him run the roads to do as he pleases so she doesn't have to parent him as well. He will nag and nag and nag till he gets what he wants. He is a very troubled teen who is insecure and jealous but I can't fix him I am not his parent. My partner is also not the father of my biochild that is why I said I parent him differently. My child did not hear this altercation between my partner and stepson. I love my partner. He is a good person he has a very hard time with conflict and just wants to see everyone happy but in the long run it is going to backfire on him severely, as it is already starting. He also has a lot of health problems that he has been struggling with for the past couple of years making him give up easier.

CajunMom's picture

or not liking conflict...will not only backfire on him, it will backfire on YOU. And while your child may have not been impacted by this event, don't fool yourself into thinking it won't negatively impact your child and your way of raising him/her. Children are a lot smarter and aware of family dynamcis than we often think. And takes more than love for a successful relationship.

My DH hates conflict....tends to throw issues over his shoulder, so to speak. He let his adult kids and the younger ones treat me terribly in our relationship. After 12 years of his minimal confronting of the issues, I put my foot down. Had was, fix it or we are done. Today, DH sees his kids away from our marital home, I have NO contact with them and short of one visiting recently (the youngest who was the least of the problems), haven't seen most of them in years.  And while our relationship is finally thriving, his inability to correct his kids' in the past is now impacting him very negatively today. While that makes me sad, I did fore warn him many times in those 12 years. 

So, think about your life today with zero changes with this kid and what your future will look like when he's an adult and still acting this way because his father enabled him. Doesn't matter what goes on at the other's what is allowed in your home. Many of us here deal with bad behaviors at the BMs home but still hold our home rules firm. 

I strongly suggest counseling for you two, and parenting classes for your SO. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Don't make excuses. Just becuase his BMs home is that way, doesn't mean he gets a free pass at your home. Different house, different rules. Period. And SS IS old enough to understand that. He is actively choosing to be disrespectful. 

SD13 also has a BM that I would just say is "trashy" without going into all the terrible details. She is well aware and old enough to know that cussing is NOT allowed in our home. Period. Around DS3 or not. 

I am disengaged from SD13, but if her & her friends were to start that crap at our house I would 100% say something about it directly to SD. It's YOUR home too. 

ndc's picture

He *may* be a good person but he's a terrible parent. If he's not willing to parent for 4-6 days a month, why take the time?

Just read your update - I'm glad he's getting help for his own problems and hope it helps his parenting. 


Harry's picture

You should set up a special bank account,  for paying lawyers,  the kids are going to need that 

Kelker89's picture

I started therapy. When speaking to my therapist about everything going on at home she advised me that my SO should be tested for ADHD as some of the things I was explaining to her seemed to lean towards an ADHD diagnoses.  We made an appointment for SO with his family doctor. Family doctor got us set up with the professional and low and behold SO was diagnosed with ADHD which explains a lot. He started a low dose of medication and I already see a bit of improvement in how he parents the kids so I can't wait to see how he does when he gets on the right dosage. Glad I took my issues to the Professionals and didn't jump the bandwagon.

Harry's picture

First he must fix himself. Then tackle the kids.   Mental illness gets passed on the kids.  SS most likely has some illness himself.  At 13 yo it's very difficult for SO to start parenting like he should,  the kid ages out in four years. At 18