Birthday Invites that fall on NCP's time

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How does everyone else handle these??

SO wants SD3 to go to all her friends birthday parties, he doesn't want her to miss out, so he's ALWAYS said yes when BM asked if she could pick SD up and take her to her little friends birthdays.

Recently though, BM is trying to paint the picture that SO is too difficult to deal with, so now she goes through her lawyer to ask SO about party invites that fall on his time.

SO doesn't want to look like he's being difficult so he just says yes. And I do understand that... but, BM takes SD for 4-5 hours. Now, I have 3 bio's myself and never did they ever go to a party under the age of 5 that lasted 4-5 hours.

I wonder if SO would come across as 'difficult' if the next time BM's lawyer calls about a party invite and SO ask's to see the invite so he can get back to them about the pick-up and drop off times?? (rather then leaving it up to BM to dictate the times) Is that a reasonable request? SO is happy for BM to pick SD up a little bit earlier so she can take SD home to dress for the party, but as a Mom to a girl myself, I don't think that takes an hour or two (especially since SO bath's SD before party)

I don't want for SO to come across as petty or difficult, but he only gets a day and a half with his girl and that time is really precious to him, so I am suspicious of BM 'taking' EXTRA time away from SO, she very much is the 'give an inch and she'll take a MILE' type of person, so it bothers me that she takes advantage of the situation.

Any advice for dealing with this little non-issue??

I did tell him that ^^^ is

I did tell him that ^^^ is the best thing to do, but he's a bit chicken sh!t, BM has done the whole smear campaign, no doubt she tells everyone she comes in contact with that SO is an abusive a$$, so yeah, he doesn't want to walk into a party full of all BM's friends and then have SD either not want Dad to leave or throw a wobbly when it's time to go. I have told him he needs to get over it! And that if he goes and is pleasant to everyone, they may SEE the proof that he isn't the monster BM makes him out to be. But he has a bit of an anxiety attack at just the thought of going

Yeah, that's how me and my ex

Yeah, that's how me and my ex have always done it, we pass the invite on and that parent can RSVP. BM is a golden uterus and wants to be a part of everything SD does, so even if SO did drop SD off, you can guarantee that BM will be there.

BM has legal aide, so tax payers pay for her lawyer bills, totally sucks!

Thanks for everyone's advice,

Thanks for everyone's advice, I'm going to try again to convince SO that it's best he take SD to these parties. We have an appt with a therapist tomorrow, I might bring it up there so therapist can help SO deal with his 'fears' about being around BM's "friends". SO is a really friendly people person, I'm sure that'll be obvious to everyone after 5 mins

Here's how this scenario

Here's how this scenario played out on our end.

(this is an issue that has spanned 8 years)

When SS was younger, whenever a party would come up on Donkeykong's weekend and SS really wanted to go, we would email Donkeykong (as per CO) of the party details. We would offer a slew of suggestions in order to help accomodate SS's wish to attend. We even suggested make-up custody time. Donkeykong would never respond.

Not. Once.

SS would pester DW about it and DW had no choice but to say "Look, it's your Dad's weekend. I told him about the party but he hasn't responded. There is nothing more I can do." SS would cry. DW would feel guilty and she would try calling Donkeykong. Donkeykong still would not respond. Donkeykong thinks that any attempt we make to get permission from him to get SS to attend these parties is really an attempt at "stealing" his custody time.

As SS started to grow older, he realized that the only way he could attend these birthday parties of his friends is if he would ask his Dad himself way in advance. His Dad would only respond with a "We'll see". SS would then be too scared to broach the subject again. So SS was still never able be able to attend his friend's birthday parties despite us not asking on his behalf.

The child therapist we send SS too gave SS some valuable tools on how to approach his Dad on these matters. SS has started to use them and it is becoming effective. SS has started to become more vocal/demanding of his father to be able to attend these parties. His Dad would be either be unresponsive or try to make SS feel guilty of wanting to attend these parties. SS has managed to figure out a way to convince his Dad that these parties are important to him. So now days, the chances of SS attending parties on his Dad's custody time is about 50%.

I totally agree with you!!!

I totally agree with you!!! (and I agree with you too Tog) This is something I've tried bringing up with SO, he needs to stand his ground on his CO time and stop giving BM wriggle room to screw him over, b/c it'll only get worse. SO is slowly coming around, honestly, his r/s with BM was a complete mess when i first met him, she had him wrapped around her finger, things are much better, but SO still has a long way to go till he has complete ownership of his balls again

Y'know, for some stupid

Y'know, for some stupid reason, my DH was like that with BM. His excuse now, was that he didn't realise it 'cos things just fell into that pattern. He believed he was doing it to keep things running smooth. This for a BM that did the following to him:

1) Abandoned him and the two kids when the kids were aged 5&6 respectively.
2) In the 4 years that she was off partying (finding herself) and drinking, she NEVER paid him one single cent to help support the kids.
3) Met a 20-something year old girl and had an affair with her, and got the kids to spend every 2nd weekend with her to witness the fighting and drinking and carrying on.
4) Left DH in debt of over $100G - and refused to help him pay it off (she was sending money to her Father overseas).
5) Controlled and dictated DH's weekends with the skids (using the excuse "its for the best interests of the children" when she held birthday parties, which DH would attend to do the BBQ and entertaining
... and the list goes on..and on.. and on.. until DH met me. Then he realised and shit changed.

After he learnt about boundaries etc he started introducing them and sticking by them. There were times when he'd have a set back - but with me up his ass, this happens rarely now.

Trick is - to make sure your DH understands this.

1) #1 Priority is to his wife/partner
2) #1 Responsibility is to his kids
3) BM had her time - she now has to suck it up and understand the word Divorce and its true meaning.

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