Need to make up for BM mistakes
I recently married a wonderful man and his 9-year-old daughter. My SD is a lovely girl and we've totally bonded. In fact the only issues that arise are from the BM, whom I can't stand. She's incredibly scatterbrained and irresponsible (2 kids by 2 guys at 19, if that's any indication). SD has a good time when she sees her (generally only on weekends) because BM is fun and lively and exciting, but she completely lacks any parenting ability. This is so hard on DH and I because we feel we have to be extra hard on her to make-up for BM craziness. BM never makes her do her homework and doesn't give her a bed time, so when SD comes back to us she's overtired and has nothing done. So now we get to deal with the crying, tired child who's worried about her teacher getting mad at her for not having her report done.
It makes me so resentful of BM because it's like she steals all the "fun" parenting stuff and we get stuck with all responsibility. BM takes her on vacations to Seattle and Texas but leaves us to pay for SD's braces. BM spends the weekend taking kids to the amusement park and we have to spend the week doing the spelling words and math flashcards. It's not that I mind doing this work--I assumed I would be when I took on this role--but I don't like being made the "bad cop" who has to take care of all the important stuff. It's driving me nuts and I don't know how to handle it! HELP!
Sounds like your dealing
Sounds like your dealing with what the courts call a Disney-Land parent. Those are the parents who focus on the fun easy stuff of parenting. I'm in kinda of the same boat but I bug the heck out of my ex and get him to help out. I just gotta keep buggin him. Does BM have her stay overnight on school nights? If she does, you can get with the teachers earlier in the week regarding weekend assignments. SD will have time during the week to get those assignments done. I do that for my son so he doesn't fall behind on school work.
SD will realize when she's older who really helped her growing up. Just hang in there dear. Congrats on your newly married life.
you can have fun with her
you can have fun with her AND parent her too. does she go to bm's right after school on fridays? if not, maybe do hw with her beforehand so she wont feel guilty about not getting it done at bm's.
being sd is 9, she should know about responsibility somewhat. maybe try to drill it in her that hw is important and that she needs to take time off fromt he 'fun' at bm's and do some hw for maybe 1/2hr during the weekend. if bm refuses to help and check it, you can do that when she returns--which should be easier than helping to start the hw.
Does SD go to BM's house
Does SD go to BM's house every weekend? If not, you should try to do something fun as a family with her. It doesn't have to be extravagant. My skids love to go camping. They also love doing crafts and baking ANYTHING. Make sure you're having fun with her too. Take her when the fair or carnival comes to town or the circus. It's horrible feeling like bad cop all the time. Make sure you do some fun stuff with her too maybe more of the everyday variety.
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Yeah, the BM does this too.
Yeah, the BM does this too. She only has the skid from Friday night to Sunday. She does all those things we cannot do with her during the week. Disneyland, shopping, birthday parties etc...while we do all the grunt work such as pick/drop to school, cooking meals, packing lunches, laundry, bath/hairwash, homework etc...
Now BM refuses to let BF take SD on a week vacation. She is threatened that we might actually have a nice time with her. She is violating CO. BF is taking her back to court.