BM
BM had contacted DH work company and spoke to DH boss and super attendant of the company, demanding to know why DH could not take 4 days off of work to attend SS13 school year end camp trip.Honestly DH could not financially afford to take the time off and he had a prior event happening that same week that he committed to (back in September) We knew BM was furious, but to actually go and speak to his companies head boss and super attendant? BM called the company boss yelling at the boss demanding What kind of company do you run" and then she proceeded to speak to the super attendant and apparently the super attendant had hung up the phone on her because she became so hostile.MY DH said he felt so embarrassed, his Boss, his supervisor and other employers did not know the situation or even knew about BM at all, and DH supervisor wanted to know why DH "ex girlfriend" was calling the company and yelling at two of the head officials that was not aware of the situation in the first place.
The boss explained it was DH choice if he wanted to take the week off BUT that he was already requesting time off for a previous event and that he could not take so much time off at once, and DH had explained to BM for the past two months that taking a week off of work was not going to be realistic this time of year with work being so busy especially when DH crew is working 6 days a week to get stuff done by a dead line. BM was also aware of the previous event DH had made arrangements for, and BM was already not happy about that either.
DH contacted BM right away to ask her why she would go up and above her BM duty and contact his employers about the situation. BM became really defensive of the situation, and was so angry at DH then she started to call him disrespect names" your a loser father" " go _ yourself" and it became an argument on the phone, DH proceeded to tell her that she could of jeopardized his job and BM response was" I really don't care what happens to your job, your son should be your priority" DH then proceeded to tell her that if he does not make money from work she doesn't get paid in child support. DH then hung up.
I should give some facts and should mention - BM and SS13 just "waltzed" into my DH life less then a year ago, and the reason I use the word " waltzed" is because there had been no contact for almost 10 years, BM and DH were NOT even in a relationship at the time SS13 was conceived, it was a short fling, one night stand. BM and DH agreed on terminating the pregnancy, BM left town and came back 2 years later with a little boy, demanded for DH to be with her and when things did not go the way she wanted she withheld contact. DH tried to go through court 10 years ago but the court did not take the situation seriously- DH isnt even on the birth certificate but will be soon now that there is contact
Honestly, the past year has been havoc. BM does not want him any relationship unless its only with his SS13. BM had told my DH that when SS13 is over for the weekend that me and my children should not be there and stay somewhere else. She tried to withhold access twice because me and my kids were home that weekend, OR we had planned a family trip with all the kids including SS13 and BM was angry and would not drop SS13 off. For three months me and my kids stayed somewhere else every second weekend when SS13 came to visit. BM gets upset that there was FACEbook pictures of my DH, I and my kids sitting together at my sisters wedding last year along with other several pictures of our 5 year relationship and OUR wedding, which obviously my children were at!BM stated " you shouldn't be taking care of those kids there not your kids" and has now voiced that about 22 times in the past year. The entire thing has actually questioned my sanity? BM sister is on my DH face book and has never really talked to him or caused problems since SS has been reconnected with DH, the sister wrote on DH wall f" you should call your son since you haven't talked to him for awhile" that was unnecessary for a face book wall comment and also SS13 has his dads phone number, he has his OWN cell phone but because DH wouldn't talk directly to BM (he calls BM cell phone to talk to SS13) he would just text his son to call him, so BM started to cause problems and said DH hadn't called to talk to SS13 for over a week, so BM sister brought it upon herself to leave a comment on his Facebook page. My DH was a little frustrated with that because 1- its not the sisters business and 2- there is two sides of the story if sister really wants to be involved.
BM MOM also gets involved all the time- this has been the second time both ladies yelled at my DH and "spoke" to him about SS and than proceeded to tell him what he should be doing with his son. It always comes down to- " you need to stop raising other peoples kids" and this is coming from BM Mom since the day SS13 showed up at the front door. My dh is always answering to both those women, BM and BM mom, about everything. Everything from- how much money he puts into my kids (which he doesn't we legally are married and share house hold financial things but my ex gives me child support and I work regularly too and financially take care of my kids needs) and they ask why my DH comes to my sons baseball games, or hockey games- they were actually pissed off because my DH came to a game at 9:00 am on a Saturday and picked up SS13 at noon and BM and BM MOM waited outside to give DH crap saying" why are you going to her sons baseball game? you shouldn't be doing that!" and my DH defended my son but I was more pissed off because DH has to answer to them about everything, our life is always being watched by BM. My kids are being watched by BM. Is this insane?
Meh, most places of
Meh, most places of employment wouldn't take calls from any tom, Dick or harry off the street to begin with, let alone entertain the subject matter with an non-employee.
What type of job does your husband have that his supervisor and boss are just hovering around to accept calls from unknown hostile nuts?
My spouse actually works for
My spouse actually works for a large company in our city that is the construction industry. They pave roads, build houses, resorts, everything from roofing, road work to irrigation. My spouse is on a crew that does a lot of the prep work for road maintenance and highway construction. There is about 150 employees if not more. ANYHOW, BM called the companies main office and spoke to the receptionist,and said she had a complaint about an employee and wanted to speak to the manager or person in charge- there fore the receptionist transferred her over to the boss and the boss explained he did not know the situation and she requested my spouse have time off for four days to attend their sons school event. The boss transferred the call to the super attendant in charge of my spouses crew ( the boss got upset at the super attendant for denying an employee time off work for a family event) saying that he could take the time off and the super attendant got to the bottom of the situation which was explained that DH could take the time off for the four days BUT he had a previous event he was already taking time off for the 3 days before- therefore he would of been taking over a week off of work and he could not financially afford to do, and the super attendant told BM it was not his business in personal matters that it was between DH and BM,but BM wanted to know what was going on and if DH could take the time off or not and wanted to hear it from the boss that he was allowed, BM was completely aware that DH had previous time off for something else- his daughter who had her grade 12 grad ceremony which is out of town he was attending- BM wanted DH to not go to the grad ceremony but to attend SS13 on his camp trip instead- that was the hole issue to begin with.
I agree. My spouse wont go
I agree. My spouse wont go through court unless its the last resort, court did not help before,and also SS is a teenager and makes up his own mind if he wants to visit. BM AND SSe are very close. SS does have a cell of his own, he just does not text dad back often or calls from BM phone. At this point BM AND DH have only been texting which still complicated- a lot of demands from BM.
My spouse was pretty angry
My spouse was pretty angry when BM referred herself as "ex girlfriend" to his boss, in fact when he called BM he made it very clear to her, probably was seen as a rude remark but he exactly said" Listen, you have never been my ex girlfriend, you and I had have never had anything and never will " she was actually silent for about 10 seconds before she told him to screw himself.
This is nuts. How does he
This is nuts. How does he even know this child is his?
I'm sorry and I wouldn't normally suggest this but DH needs to walk away from this crazy woman and her entire family. If the child does indeed turn out to be his, and I would get a paternity test to confirm that, all he is responsible for is CS.
He should block her and her family from FB, phone, email and tell his boss not to accept calls from her. She has no right to tell him who he can have in his home or how he should live his life. And you should never allow any control over you and your children.
I had a friend in HS who got a girl pregnant, it was a one night stand.
She was insane and thought that the child was the golden ticket into his life. He was more than willing to see and parent his daughter but told the mother he wouldn't have anything to do with her.
She wasn't having any of that. She said they were a package deal and so he sent money but never saw his daughter.
Yes, it was cold and not fair to the child but the mother was so damaged that he couldn't be involved with the child without damaging himself.
My spouse is trying to do the
My spouse is trying to do the right thing, and that SS needs a father. Therefore my spouse feels this is his responsibility and I honestly think he would have not met SS a year ago knowing what would happen, but because he already has established a relationship with SS and SS was excited to meet his dad- my spouse NOW feels its his duty but I have thought about this. I was thinking the other day ... I know five people who have had a child out of a "one night" stand or just happen to be a short fling- . four of them never went after CS, and one did but does not speak to the dad and none of the children know. it does happen. One of the guys I know pays child support for a "daughter" who is 14 now, but he met her once when she was 2 months old and told the mother he would pay child support each month until she was 18 and will keep a separate account for a college fund he will give the mom once she is 19.He is married with his own son. His wife didn't even know this girl existed. It was a short fling before her- and he just had no intentions of being with the mother in a relationship or co parenting.IT does happen, I just don't think my spouse will look at it this way especially with his family always telling him he has to take care of his son no matter what.
Since he's already in the
Since he's already in the kid's life, I think it would be a weird thing to walk away unless he's fully prepared for the backlash of it. I'd go with slapping her with every court charge there is, including harassment. Establishing paternity, court ordered visitation, and ignoring her calls/texts/emails unless it's to say, "I'm picking up SS at xxx time" or "Have SS here for his visitation by xxx time or I will file for you to be in contempt of court."
That said, I am the wife of someone in the position of both your friend and notsobad's friend. Our BM is completely off her rocker (stalking, nails in tires, calling our students/customers to get info on DH, had her exBF break into our apartment during a party function--our apartment was connected to our business at the time and unlocked because I was going in and out cooking) and DH just pays CS and has never seen the kid. She was a short fling gone wrong (she was cheating on her SO but told DH they had broken up so DH had to get a paternity test which she fought him tooth and nail against that took about a year). MIL and BIL have contact though but it's a control on BM's part and trying to say an eff you to DH. It looks like it's going to remain this way.
DH stopped letting his family "tell" him what he should do in regards to the situation so have him take them completely out of the equation. They don't live his life, and don't know the kind of hell and havoc it has wrecked on his mental function (he fell into deep depression and contemplated suicide and saw a therapist for a good while for it.)
Yes your BM sounds like she
Yes your BM sounds like she is absolutely 'crazy" some sort of mental illness. I have not quite experienced BM this way however she has snooped around to get info about me mainly through Facebook and she was not even added to my Facebook so I changed my Facebook settings.
Yes your BM sounds like she
Yes your BM sounds like she is absolutely 'crazy" some sort of mental illness. I have not quite experienced BM this way however she has snooped around to get info about me mainly through Facebook and she was not even added to my Facebook so I changed my Facebook settings.
Sorry, he still needs to have
Sorry, he still needs to have a paternity test to make sure he is the father.
I know I sound heartless but just because SS needs a father doesn't mean that DH should be it. I commend him for wanting to step up and take responsibility but not if SS isn't his.
If his family thinks that he should take care of SS no matter what then they can get to know SS and his crazy mother and take care of him. My friends family did the same thing. They tried to get to know crazy BM and it was a disaster. His mom was the only one who would have contact with her and even she got a restraining order when she caught BM taking pictures of him out of photo albums.
Honestly, at 13 this kid might be too far gone for anyone to help, from the sounds of the family he's grown up with.
My spouse actually made a
My spouse actually made a comment that SS was just like his BM. I don't know if it was just out of anger because SS had lied about something, but regardless my spouse is getting the hint but isn't fully acceptable to the belief that his SS may be just as corrupt and delusional as BM. I a, very very worried that for the rest of our lives -SS and BM are going to be causing problems all over the place.
What a lunatic. I agree, get
What a lunatic. I agree, get a paternity test then a no-contact order in place. This is extreme harassment.
I am assuming there was a
I am assuming there was a paternity test.
Two words for you: Court Order. Go find a good family law attorney and learn your rights.
Have DH take BM to court. Get court ordered visitation if he wants it. Court ordered no more harassment. Contact in writing only. SS calls DH directly. Go no contact with BM or her relatives. Get a no contact order for his job.
In the meantime, document every interaction with her and her crazy demands. Document her calling his work.
Why in the world would you leave your own home over her demands? Stop doing that, she has no rights to dictate who is in your home or how your family functions.
Stop giving BM power. Take yours back. Or walk away.
Oh and make sure DH is NOT on the hook for college.
I think you are automatically
I think you are automatically on the hook for college when your paying child support until their 18.Legally in our area that is mandatory- you just keep paying child support until their finished school.
I am assuming there was a
I am assuming there was a paternity test.
Two words for you: Court Order. Go find a good family law attorney and learn your rights.
Have DH take BM to court. Get court ordered visitation if he wants it. Court ordered no more harassment. Contact in writing only. SS calls DH directly. Go no contact with BM or her relatives. Get a no contact order for his job.
In the meantime, document every interaction with her and her crazy demands. Document her calling his work.
Why in the world would you leave your own home over her demands? Stop doing that, she has no rights to dictate who is in your home or how your family functions.
Stop giving BM power. Take yours back. Or walk away.
Oh and make sure DH is NOT on the hook for college.
DH needs to unfriend her
DH needs to unfriend her family and lock down his Facebook profile so tight they cannot see anything.
Then he tells his son (assuming he is his son) that he loves him and he always wants to see him. And to never forget that.
Then he tells them to stop harassing him. The next time they interfere with his job he will be filing harassment charges against any or all of them.
He needs to learn he does not answer to the coven. He has been sucked into this crazy game for far too long. And frankly the next time she throws out the "You should take care of your own son..." crap he should turn around and tell her "I would have. If you hadn't hidden him for 10 years. This is all on you for hiding him from me for 10 years. NOTHING can make up for that. You are a thief. You stole those years from him."
My spouse has told her that
My spouse has told her that and said it was her fault for 'taking off' and she goes on a rant about the fact he had a girlfriend at that time and he was helping her take care of her kids and that it is his fault because he should of made his son a top priority and therefore she had to leave with him. Something like that. Bottom line is -BM wanted to be with my DH from the very beginning. It was basically a hidden comment in her part that either DH be with her and their son, or he doesn't see his son at all. DH did not want to be with her and chose his girlfriend at that time, and BM lost her marbles and tried to cause havoc and succeeded actually -they broke up for a short while and DH felt he had to literally choose. The courts would not help him much. The lawyer advices my DH to pay the CS first get caught up on payments and a bunch of other demands expectations. Honestly he's not even on the birth certificate, therefore BM really just played this out really good.
DH did file harassment
DH did file harassment charges and the police have opened a file on BM and told DH that if anything else happens they will add it to the file therefore it is a legal document. Also DH only contacts BM through texts most the time and can save the text messages when she texts ridiculous things such as all her demands including about me and my kids. I only left the house when SS came over for MY OWN sanity. Honesty I don't even want to be around SS13 most the times because it gets under my skin- knowing BM AND SS are conspiring against me and my children- trying to win over dads attention and full commitment. Trying to break my marriage. I feel sad about it so I just stay else where and then the following weekend DH and I will do something with my kids. Therefore BM cannot complain, she complains if DH does anything with my kids.
She's going to complain no
She's going to complain no matter what you do.
Read this and see if she matches any of it. If she does you'll have to google dealing with a Narcissist.
https://www.bpdcentral.com/narcissistic-disorder/hallmarks-of-npd/
Thank you for your input.
Thank you for your input. However I do not know her well enough to answer the narcissistic statements and I also work in the mental health field as a social worker in my city. I do not feel she is a narcissist however mental illness of some sort is there. I have never spoke to her once. I have waited in the vehicle and over heard my DH and BM conversation outside the window, but I do not often attend the ride to pick up SS except if we are visiting my family which live in the same part of town as SS. I have only heard her give my DH shit on the phone and heard the demands, expectations she gives my DH and her main leverage is she tries to GUIlT my DH ever time, and the first three months it actually worked !! BM would say stuff like ' SS has been so sad all week because he misses you and wants to see you and he can't wait until Friday ' Friday comes and SS phones my DH saying 'I got a friend coming over tonight can I come over tomorrow instead' and my DH right away feels angry and annoyed. Also BM is good at guilting my DH into believing he has not been there for his son all these years therefore DH needs to make SS a top priority from now on to show his love for him.
At the beginning of the relationship SS wants DH to come into his house and see his bedroom and hangout with him in his home, with BM there and or the grandparents (BM parents who grandma is controlling crazy person too) That was happening almost ever time DH picked him up from home and DH would be ere for about an hour. DH explained to me that he was just being polite and talking to the grandparents and engaging in conversation and wanted SS to know they were all civil. I hate it so much . DH thought at that - they were all civil. He didn't implement boundaries right away and I really feel it has gotten to this point because BM and her mom felt DH was listening to them all this time, being so polite and respectful and trying his best to show them he wanted to be involved in his sons life. Now after doing all that both women BM and her mom still cause problems . My spouse finally for the past six months has realized is.
How old are all of
How old are all of you?
First, DH asks his boss and superintendent for a written record of BM's harrassing phone calls, and files a police report.
Second, DH files a request with the courts for a DNA test, custody, and a child support hearing.
Third, DH and you block BM and anyone else who doesn't contribute to your happy life from Facebook, IG, and your phones. SS and DH have each other's cell phone numbers, and that's who is having a relationship.
My DH did contact the police
My DH did contact the police and a record has been filed. The police told my DH that what BM did was harassment. That has been established. Second my DH will not get a DNA test, it is far to late into the child's life and my DH doesn't want to go down that road.
Your suggesting full custody of SS? well that is not an option at this point-
1. SS just met DH last year and SS wants to be with BM
2. BM has her rights too. no judge is going to automatically grant custody to my DH because he is in his sons life for 11 months. and Realistically we don't have the money to go to court for that right now. My DH already pays child support and has for several years, and it is calculated through his income each tax year that has all been done. BM just wants full access and control to my DH, and uses SS as her golden ticket into his life. SS is very close with BM, and tries to manipulate the situation as best as he can, and goes along with BM realistic ideas. Having SS lives with us would probably cause more problems that we do not need (my opinion)
I do not understand why he
I do not understand why he wouldn't want a paternity test. He only met this child, not even a year ago, it's not like he's been any part of his life.
I understand that it would be upsetting to find out that it's not his son but it could prove that he is.
And if he's not the father then the golden ticket is gone and he would never have to deal with this crazy woman and her family again.
Unless he thinks he's going to be some great Hero to this boy.
Sadly, he isn't. This kid is very enmeshed with BM and your DH is just some guy she told him is his father. I doubt BM will let him have much of a relationship with DH unless DH jumps through hoop after hoop after hoop.
DH is throwing good money after bad on a child who might not even be his responsibility. I don't understand him at all.