I’m disengaging myself from the SS and SD but the DH seems insensitive to it
My husband, God bless him, I love him so but he seems super insensitive to how I feel towards his kids. The kids are SD8 and SS6 and stays with my DHs ex wife. We only get them every other weekend or so.
Since I had my baby girl with the DH, I’ve slowly started disengaging myself from the SD and SS and focus all my attention to my own kid which is 7 months old. The husband seems to be very oblivious to this and somehow keeps insisting I refer to them as “OUR” kids.
I let him do all the cooking when his kids are with us, I don’t clean up after his kids, and I don’t play with them nor be left alone with them without the DH. And you’d think my refusal to babysit them alone would give the DH a hint.
The SD and SS acts appropriately when we’re out at the neighbors or a friends’ house but somehow turn into little monsters when they’re at our house. I don’t take crap from them and just totally ignore all the tantrums, whining, crying and quarrels and let the DH take care of it. The DH babies the SD so much that it gets on my nerves all the time and lets the SS get away with being disrespectful and rowdy, hence, his kids are growing up to be very dependent on him, a wimp, and the other, a bully.
Before I started disengaging, I tried to talk to the DH about his kids’ behaviours and he agreed with me but he doesn’t seem to be doing anything to turn things around and so be it! By disengaging myself, I’ve somehow started to feel less stressed and affected when his kids are not behaving properly. I much rather spend my time and energy on my 7 month old baby.
It is quite possible that this arrangement is better for everyon
He spends more time with his kids
I don't think it's necessary
I don't think it's necessary to hit him over the head with a frying pan. Just start referring to them all as "THE kids"...when you are around him.
And.. I think it's fine to disengage.. but his kids seem pretty young.. how long exactly have you "tried" with them? I would try to still be involved with them to some extent.. though I understand a 7 mo old must keep you pretty busy. It does sound like your DH is stepping up and caring for his kids.. maybe with a little encouragement, these kids could actually become pleasant to be around? My SD's were 5 and 9 when I met my DH and had not been "raised up" right really... and while it was work on my part... I did still take an interest in these two human beings because I knew they would be part of my life as long as HE was. Now, both are adults in their early 20's.. and they both are lovely young women who are gainfully employed and 100% financially independent of us. I have a good relationship with them both. They were messy little loud "no manners" kids. They were self centered and greedy... but because I tried.. and their father tried.. the grew up.
I’ve tried
I’ve tried to step up and be that “SM” to them for little over a year even before me and DH got married. They are also these messy, loud, whiny, self-centered kids around the DH, and I set rules around the house so they can learn a little bit of discipline as that comes so short at their mother’s. Thought I was making progress but there was an incident last year when the DH wasn’t able to get them for almost 2 months and when he was finally able to, every bit of rule set for them went down the drains as the DH seemed to spoil and overlook everything to somehow “make up” for the time he didn’t spend with them.
Taking care of my 7 month old is the only thing keeping me sane when the SD and SS are around. I’ve tried to reason with DH about disciplining and most of the time it only makes him aggravated and only makes me more upset. I worry that if it keeps on being like that, it might jeopardise our marriage.
I still get involved in a way. I make them food and plan outings for them over the summer and when the DH asks, do some stuff for them as well but only when he asks.
Him stepping up in taking care of his kids is a good thing but at the same time, also takes time away from me and our 7 month old. I have to admit this is kind of selfish on my part but that is what’s happening. By disengaging, it not only relieves me of stress but also makes me focus more on our 7 month old.
Kuddos on your relationship with the SDs. And thank you for the insights.
Well.. to be fair.. he gets
Well.. to be fair.. he gets to spend 100% on your child most of the time. So.. a bit of balancing out when his kids are there.. and he is stepping up to care for them? They are his kids and are entitled to his attention. Unfortunately, that is a side effect of having kids with someone who already has them.. some of his resources are already "spoken for".. money, time, patience... your child doesn't get 100% of it.. (neither do his kids).. and since you are letting him parent his kids when they are at your house.. obviously his time is going to be occupied.
I know it's hard dealing with kids who have different expectations at different homes. It really doesn't mean that your DH should have lower expectations though.. and hopefully as they get older.. they will become more consistent.
Resources spent differently
The realities of marrying someone who has kids with the their ex I guess. Finding that balance and levelled expectations on all parties involved seems to take a lot more toll on me than him though......
My husband referred to his 2 daughters loving me as their mummy
That i am their mummy and they love me so much. So much bs spewn here from hubby i actually wanted to punch him from how angry i felt with him calling me their mummy.
no i’m not their mummy, theyhave 1 and she failed her job miserably so don’t associate me as their mum when they’re such failures at life
My DH started this gig too
Same here. DH likes for his kids to call me mommy and seeing as they’re 8 and 6, that’s exactly what they did. I should’v said something about it but I just let it go.
REALLY disengage
That means not catering to his needs and wants, either, nor caring what he thinks of the matter.
Of course you are married to him, and love him, or will until he pushes you too far. So love and care for him. But his kids are irrelevant, and what he thinks about your indifference to them is irrelevant, too.
Quit with the hints. Lay it
Quit with the hints. Lay it out for him and enough of the passive aggressive crap. No one can succesfully navigate a relationship of manipualtion and inuendo.
You addressed it directly with DH in the past, keep that model. Rather than just discussing it direct him to address behavioral crap in real time and do not let him avoid it.
Your partner cannot stipulate how you interface with and feel about your Skids. Only you can do that. If you don't want them calling you "Mommy" then correct them each time they do it. You decide what they call you.
While I have been Dad(dy) to my SS-27 since before he was 2yo (His choice, no one told him to call me Dad(dy). That is who I have always been for him). I have also chosen to not call anyone "Mom" or "Dad" except my parents. I did call my XILs Mom and Dad and that experience from more than 30 years ago landed me on preserving those titles only for my mom and my dad. I consider "Aunt" and "Uncle" to be honorifics reserved only for an actual Aunt or Uncle as well.
I am Okay with Skids calling SParents Mom or Dad. If the SParents are accepting of it.