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Thanks everyone....Disengaging question?

liz9552's picture

First thanks for all the advice and just plain support, it helps to know that I am not the only one with these feelings and anger toward a SKid.

Yesterday was pretty bad too. I am furious at both DH and SD13. I just cannot shake it off this time. But I would like to know what you do in situations where you have to correct SD13? I am done with her, but yesterday our 5 year old got a bad mark at school. He will tell you when he gets in trouble, he has no problem owning up to what he does wrong. He gets great marks all the time, he is really good. SD13 loved it, as soon as her dad walked in the door she tells him. I leave it alone. Later that evening DH asked our 5 year old to get his backpack and let him see his journal, SD13 jumps up and runs over to get his backpack, when our 5 year old reaches for it she tells him to stop. She got it and was taking it to DH, I got up and met her and got the backpack from her. I didn't say one word. She goes over and stand right beside her dad to await reading what was in the journal, so instead of handing it to him I walked over to his side so that SD13 had to move. When both kids where gone I pointed out what SD13 did and that it is our 5 yr olds place to bring his backpack to him, not SD13. He told me that he was not getting into that. I blew up.

So, how do you react? I want my 5 yr old to be responsible and held accountable for when he messes up. To me him bringing the backpack himself is part of that. Am I seeing this wrong? DH said that I am being ridiculous. I feel that SD13 doing it is like tattle tailing, and again putting her nose in places that it does not belong. And when it comes to the 5 yr old he is mine, and I am not going to keep my mouth shut. My job as mom to him is already harder than it was with my older two kids. I didn't have a kid in the house being disrespectful and mean.

Thanks in advance...

sammigirl's picture

Sally has good advice.

Directly take these situations up with SD13; don't take it to DH. DH is always going to defend SD13, when he is put in the middle, bypass DH and handle it yourself. If DH says anything to you, have SD13 come to the table with the two of you and YOU call her on this b.s. Confront her in the presence of DH; If she tries this when he's not home, correct it immediately and tell SD13, "We will talk about this with your Father, when he gets home". Then do just that, stick to your word to a "T". Then discuss what action you take with your DH, only when the kids are NOT present.

Always put the ball in DH and SD13's court; don't take the blame and don't let SD13 lie to anyone or get grabby with anyone. You can do this in a calm, civil manner. No matter how they try to push your buttons, stay calm.

Listen to me; I have an extremely short fuse and this is very difficult to do. But I'm getting better at it.

hereiam's picture

I would've told SD that it is not her place and none of her business and I would have sent her off to play or to her room or whatever. It doesn't concern her.

Disengaged or not, I would not have kept quiet if DH was not going to step up and do the right thing.

liz9552's picture

That's what I was wondering, because obviously it is not going to be him. I gave him the opportunity last night and he blew it. So, because it involves my 5 yr old, I will not let it happen again. I will say something and send her on her way.

If he has homework, we do it before they get home, because she butts in then too. DH wanted to help him with a coloring sheet last week, so I let him. A few minutes later he was on the computer and I asked if the homework was done, he said no that SD13 was helping him? I went back there and she had colored half of his coloring sheet herself. So, I do it with him before they get home. DH asked the other day and I told him that is when I do it and why, he didn't open his mouth.

So_Annoyed's picture

DH had the chance to speak up, and he didn't. So, the next time it happens you should handle her yourself. She sounds rude and obnoxious, much like the SD13 I live with :O

After many, many times that my DH did not speak up when he should, or even worse, trying to intervene when I am asking her to do something, I just handle the shit myself. I sometimes feel like the wicked SM, but after all the BS I've had to endure I don't care anymore.

If they would just PARENT their child, we wouldn't be so aggravated all the time.

liz9552's picture

I agree and she is worse than obnoxious and rude. I yelled at him yesterday like I never have before in all the 8 years we have been together. I have reached my breaking point, and he knows that he is either going to step up or I am stepping out. I will not do 5 more years of this. I have a horrible temper, it takes a lot to get there as I am usually go with the flow, but once there I scare myself. And it is just not healthy for me or my children. I am not one to just get furious and calm down, it takes days for me.

So_Annoyed's picture

Sometimes I think the SDs are trying to play on our level, they imagine they are equal adults with their dads, because the DHs let them act that way. They just do not see it for what it is, a nosy, bossy, rude teenager that thinks she has the power to talk back to an adult and get away with it.

Roll your eyes at me, snap at me, give me your shitty teen attitude, whatever it is - I do not take it. I shut that down quickly. I didn't let my kid get away with that, and I am not about to let this rude teenage girl think its ok for her.

CANYOUHELP's picture

All this enabling just creates adults with even more severe juvenile behavior toward SM and others. It is embarrassing to enable any child to act like an immature, rude, incosiderate and self-absorbed fool. How will they work with others-they do not like one day?

Just wait until they are adult juveniles....and, it appears..from the post, that is the direction. HB is enabling it.

New_to_this's picture

I also think your DH should have noticed and told SD that it was not her business. He is the one that is ridiculous for thinking that is appropriate. It's bothersome to me that he thinks there is nothing wrong with it. I've definitely had this similar situation in my household, where SD and SS get into things that are not their business. They annoyingly think and act like they are the adults and DH is totally unaware. I've had many times where I just sat there with my teeth clenched while DH said nothing about their behavior. I would get mad at him later when the kids were gone and he would tell me that he just doesn't notice these things and if it bothers me then I should say something.

So, I did. I got pissed and would regularly tell the kids what they were doing wrong. Then I would still get on DH about his poor parenting later when the kids were gone. Once that started happening, DH suddenly started noticing their behavior. For whatever reason, he now notices more (sometimes more than me) and will stop the behavior. Your DH needs to understand that the behavior is inappropriate though, and it doesn't seem like he does.

Cover1W's picture

DP tends to this as well.
As I disengaged he's had to do more interacting.

It's been interesting the last couple days now that SDs are back with us after weeks away...he seems to want to do his regular stuff like they aren't there.

Ex: He goes for a hours long work out routine and doesn't come home till close to 8, "but I didn't get to X Y or Z today until..."
Me, Like I haven't been away from the house 12 HOURS in a row?

Ex: He's making himself a protein shake and SD10 and her friend are doing something 'not good' in her room. I can hear them banging into walls and it's shaking the entire front of the house.
"DP, can you please make sure they stop what they are doing?"
He says, Yeah I was wondering about that.
He doesn't move. Another Bang.
"Dammnit....!" As I slam down what I'm doing and stand up to head down there...
He says, I was going to.....can you give me a minute?!
"No, I can't - it needs to be handled NOW."
So he's all p!ssy about having to parent.

My comment essentially is I'll step in if issues to the house or safety come into play (they were jumping off the bed and running into the wall apparently). He lags, then forget it, and game on. If they are just being snotty or fighting with each other I leave it or leave the room.
(unless it's snotty to me then nope, game on again)