step father and biological daughter have issues
I have 4 biological children (6, 8, 9 and 12 ) and 2 step children ( 13 and 15 ) :jawdrop: . My 4 and his son live with us and his daughter stays every other weekend. Anyway, my husband gets along great with my 6 yr old son, and 8 and 9 year old daughters and I get along great with his 15 yr old son and 13 year old daughter. His daughter and my daughter are both going to be in 8th grade and go to the same school.
:? However, my husband does not get along with my 12 year old daughter. I have always seen her as this sweet girl with a heart of gold. She is always willing to help me out with any chore or with her sisters and brother. She has always been a little absent minded to me and gets distracted easily. I eventually got her tested for ADHD at the recommendation of one teacher because she would still be folding the paper for a test when the rest of the kids would be done and she is now taking Methlyn ER 10 mg every day. She gets A's, B's and a C generally on her report card, the teachers say she is great and she even got the Christian student of the year award.
However, it hurts me when they fight. She doesn't say anything, but he will rant and rave at her and do it all day long...and bring up mistakes months later. She doesn't say anything back to him, but doesn't always respond and looks dejected when he brings something up...but he really does it all day long. His daughter and son have always gotten A's and are in honor's classes. They never get in trouble and neither do my other kids for the most part. She has told him that he's not her dad and he has told her he wished she would go live with her dad out of state and that she drives him crazy. She just grates on him...and a lot of it has to do with her lack of maturity, responsibility and forgetfulness. Anytime she forgets something or does something wrong like not clean the counters after loading the dishwasher or forgetting to switch her laundry ( whether she really did or just didn't care ), he will yell at her, yell at me and make me yell at her too and if I don't, he tells me I am failing my daughter.
:? Anyway, the yelling matches get bad between me and him and it is all over my daughter. I don't want to hurt my relationship with my daughter and I don't want to hurt my relationship with him. I just want them to get along. The other kids love him and my younger 3 all call him dad and don't remember their biological father. ( we left in the middle of the night with what we could put in our trunk ..he doesn't call but maybe 2 times a year, write and has not tried to visit them or pay child support).
:O I figure there has got to be something that I don't see about my daughter because I am used to having her around and I probably have over compensated with reminding her many times to do something. I guess I am used to it. She normally does what I ask without complaining, but it can take a while to get her to do it and to do it right. I guess it has never bothered me before. She told me she wants it to work for me and him because she loves to see me happy. She said she feels like she is never good enough for him and cant ever do anything right. How do I help her and my husband get along? How can I fix the issues with my daughter if I can't see them like he does? If I take his side will it alienate my daughter? I might have been enabling her before, but we were just fine until he saw "issues" and now it is a battlefield. I am scared. I love my daughter.
I love him and all of our other kids love him. His son who lives with us has gotten used to making jokes making fun of my daughter as well, which is aggravating because he sees his dad do it and it is not ok..which I have told stepson and my stepdaughter is always comparing herself to her beautiful step sister. She states she is not pretty, she is a little fluffy but not by much ( she is bout to hit a growth spurt ), she doesn't feel as smart, and she is not part of the "popular crowd".. In her eyes her step sister is perfect ( and to be honest she pretty much is )... how do I improve my daughter's confidence? Anyway..if you actually made it through all my venting..plz try to give some helpful responses.
This is a tough situation. I
This is a tough situation. I can totally see both sides. My oldest BD is about to turn 10 and I am WAY harder on her than her dad is (we are married) because in my opinion she is now old enough to step up and be more responsible. So maybe it is simply that for your DH? If SD13 is doing a lot more at a year older than your BD is, maybe that lack of responsibility bothers him? At the same time, I was very scatterbrained as a child so I'm sure my biological parents were probably pulling their hair out over me at times.
I think you need to put together some black and white expectations, with consequences. As long as your daughter knows exactly WHAT she is supposed to be doing, if she doesn't do it, there are consequences. My BD has a lot more chores than her sister who is three years younger, and I have had to ride her to do them right, but she is not allowed to shirk them. I will take away her phone, telephone or computer privileges if she doesn't do it the way she KNOWS is right.
And I think you need to tell DH that he can't expect BD12 to be "like" SD13. They are two different people. As long as BD12 is truly trying, he needs to cut her some slack. I'll bet having set expectations will help him deal better than the temporary frustrations as well.
I think that is probably a
I think that is probably a good plan to sit and write down specific and firm expectations with consequences. His daughter loves to clean and my daughter's room is in a constant state of scary...even though I officially see it clean twice a week it does not last long. His daughter is a year older, but they are in the same grade. I think I will go to my hubby tonight and discuss the plan, and then we both have to stick to it. That should help a lot. I can see if I am overacting then as well.
Your daughter sounds a lot
Your daughter sounds a lot like my DD12. She's a creative, sweet and caring girl but a bit absent minded at times. She works very hard to get on the honor roll - but she does it. She is in the process of being tested for ADD as she is often in her own world.
It would make me very sad to see my DH and her not get along especially since my DD is such a kind and sweet girl. Some of the things that your DH and DD have said to each other are very hurtful things. Have you considered family counseling?
On another note, it sounds like your DD is doing quite a bit with the household chores you've mentioned. We are a newer blended family and are just working on getting the kids more involved with the family chores like dishes and setting up for meals. So to me, it sounds great that your DD is able to assist with so much.
They have said a few very
They have said a few very hurtful things to each other. I know it was done out of anger and frustration, but its still not right. I told my daughter that she cannot say stuff like that to him. She is blessed to have a father figure in her life and she needs to respect him. I have gotten into a huge fight with him about it and he did apologize to her and tell her he didn't mean it, but she grates on his nerves... I just want to improve their relationship. I screwed up though..he was constantly getting mad at her and she ended up getting detention the second to last day of school for forgetting to bring a library book back and I tried to cover it up.. I should not have lied or even told her I was covering it up because now he always says that I have told her to lie and now she doesn't have to respect him or listen to him. I told her it was wrong that I did that and she should never lie and I told him I did it to protect her from your anger because you always seem angry at her, and no one else and she was starting to act withdrawn. So Tip# 1..dont cover anything up to try to make things easier!
The kids are in a routine now with chores.. BS(6) picks up his room and living room and feeds puppies. BD8 and BD9 unload dishwasher together and BD8 helps with her room as well and the living room. BD9 also cleans her room, vacuums floors, does her own laundry, and sets or cleans the table. My 12 yr old daughter does all that as well, plus she normally loads the dishwasher and puts the soap in. She also mows the grass every other week with his 15 yr old son taking turns. His daughter comes every other weekend and every Thursday, but she cleans her room and vacuums it before she goes back home and cleans off her own plate etc... she is still kind of like a guest... My SS15 and her have the same mom and he decided to live here last Christmas. he asked his mom and she said yes, then she changed her mind and called the police. They said they couldn't do anything so she took us to court and they said he was 15 and could make up his own mind. She lives a couple blocks away...anyway, so I don't know what role I play... but I try to be supportive in what they want to do. They have a mom close by..my kids do not have a dad at all...and my youngest only remember my hubby as their dad.. so the relationships are very different for all of us on so many levels.
HAHA The brady bunch sure did!!! U know though, in the beginning (with our blending )they fought out of jealousy and now they bicker and show love just like real brothers and sisters...accept occasionally they are still jealous, but its only been a yr.
IMO, I would have a SERIOUS
IMO, I would have a SERIOUS problem with my DH and his son making fun or picking on my child!
THAT is BULLYING and I would absolutely refuse to tolerate that behaviour especially at the one place my child should feel SECURE! AT HOME.
I am sorry but it makes me angry that they are bullying this child at home. :jawdrop:
If your DH has concerns he should bring them to you PRIVATELY but not in front of your daughter nor in front of his children.
And anyone that is a parent or has any common sense knows not to compare children whether to their face or behind their backs.
BTW, your daughter should not be allowed to talk to your DH in a disrespectful manner either.
As far as her insecurity, take her shopping buy her a few pretty things. Get her nails and hair done. Anything to make her feel pretty and loved.
NO offense to heavy or ugly people but I have seen women that were not that pretty and they would put on something pretty do their nails, makeup, and hair and it was instant transformation!
And like my mom always said "pretty is as pretty does". You can be beautiful on the outside and have the nastiest attitude and you are still not pretty.
I definitely have an issue
I definitely have an issue with that as well. I don't think she should be yelled at in front of the other kids and definitely not made fun of or bullied. That has been a struggle. He views it as teaching a lesson no matter where she is...and the comparing is constant..he says his turned out so well and smart and I must have failed somewhere...( but I think she heard it )Now ,remember I am venting and we had an argument..we aren't like this most of the time. I am not able to do anything for her that I don't do for his as well. We can't go camping or do anything fun like the pool or the mall unless his daughter is here as well.. but I do think she deserves some pampering so I will have to pamper them both! And my 10 yr old she is a diva in the making.
:? Made me think of another issue. I get jealous of his kids sometimes and it is totally wrong. They have two families and they get double everything and double the fun. I can't hardly afford anything on my CMA salary and he stays home with all the kids... but I can't take anyone anywhere unless they can all go. Their mom takes them to great America, Disney world, camping and buys her daughter new clothes every week..and of course they gloat about it..what kid wouldn't, but then that adds more jealousy..and then when I try to plan something even small I can't without everyone.... I guess I just needed to throw out all my potatos and be done with it...so thanks for letting me vent lol
SERIOUSLY??? You are not
SERIOUSLY??? You are not allowed to do anything for just YOUR kids?
While his kids go here, there and wherever. Just like their mother can take them somewhere you should be able to spend time and money (you can afford) on just YOUR children!
Sounds like your HUSBAND is a BULLY! :jawdrop:
EXCUSE ME?? Your DH is not
EXCUSE ME?? Your DH is not working but yet you HAVE to do the same for the skids as you do for your own??
Does any CS change hands? Who pays whom?
That is so wrong.
That kind of control IS
That kind of control IS ABUSE. <---Read that again...ABUSE.
^^^^ EXACTLY!!!
** Edited to add** The kids are not the problem. Your daughter isn't the problem. You covering for your daughter is not the problem nor your jealousy. The problem is your husband the BULLY!