SS16 & BM are the bane of my marriage!
Hi! First forum post. I have two skids. SD12 who is tolerable and quite pleasant to be around most times. She sees BMs BS and ignores most of it. She takes each house for what it is and that's the end of it. SS16 is brainwashed. I am the devil's spawn and DH is not far behind.
DH and I have dated since 1999 and got married in 2003 so I have been in SS16 & SD12's lives for a very long time. I wasn't always the enemy with SS16, this has recently come about when we filed for custody of the two of them in April. Got custody in July. BM does nothing but talk poorly of the two of us to the skids. SS16 is a mamma's boy, always has been and always will be.
I've been trying to disengage with him. He has no manners, respect anything. More than half the time if I tell him to do something (pick up stuff, chore, etc.) I just get ignored. He walks away from the slightest confritaiton. If he doesnt like wha tyou have to say, then he walks away and hides.
It's becoming increasingly harder to disengage whith SS16 living with us most of the time. I find myself disengaging from DH some now as well, not on purpose but because I don't necessarily agree how he handles SS16 (DH tiptoes around him some...there are deeper legal and substance abuse issues with SS16). Since i don't want to be the bitch in DHs hear I just keep shut, and doing so I've disengaged myself from him.
I have this horrible feeling in my gut that I am not sure our relationship can last two more years of this.
What are some thoughts?
It might help to know why you
It might help to know why you filed for custody of the SKIDS, especially since there seem to be difficulties in your relationship with SS16 and he has substance issues.
Plus walking on eggshells with SS16 is probably the wrong way of handling his issues - I would have thought that tackling this would have been the reason for getting custody - but that is just an assumption.
I disengaged 8 years ago, but we only have my teenage SDs EOW. I can see it would be much harder when they live with you f/t. It seems that there is not a strong "lets pull together" ethic between you and DH, - everyone seems to be backing off - so I am a bit baffled as to why (presumably) he decided he wanted his kids to live with you.
It started as a team effort,
It started as a team effort, when we originally filed for custody. I was all for it. SS16 didn't come around much because BM was allowing him to run around with his pot head buddies all the time. Finally (it was bound to happen) in March SS16 got charged with underage consumption while BM was allowing him to live in her old house she had yet to rent out since she just moved in with her BF/now husband.
We did't know about this alcohol charge until two weeks after it happened. That was the straw that broke the camels back to prompt the custody filing. We had discussed it but always "seemed" to work things out with BM.
SS16 wasn't always the way he is today. BM is filling his head full of lies about DH and myself. He seems to have refocused his anger from DH to me recently.
We filed because the kids needed to be in a stable, drug free, loving home. SS16's substance abuse problem stems from not being able to deal with emotions so he self medicates any way he can to try and deal, err not deal, with whatever is going on.
Apparently SS16 had been testing positive for pot for 2 years, DH just found out about it within the last year. BM has enabled the situation, filled SS16's head with lies about DH to where he's just screwed up in the head. He has been thru a stint of court ordered rehab. Now we are on to therapy. He is going to the same therapist I have SD12 & DS7 and myself going to. DH will start in a few weeks & SS16 and SD12's other little brother from BM's 3rd marriage will begin going shortly too. BM has spread the crazy that is for sure!
Did that help any at all?