Ss issues
Hi everyone, I'm just kind of looking for some advice. Here's my backstory me and my current husband worked together and we're really good friends when we decided that we were going to leave our ex spouses and be together which is wrong but that's real life carried us. He has two kids and I have two kids, his daughter is not really around and his son goes back-and-forth to Texas my kids I have 50-50 custody and they're with me every other week. It turns out that I'm having a lot of issues with the stepson. He's only five I met him when he one and I've tried and tried to be like a parent figure and at the time my husband was messing around with the baby Mom, and so we already got off on a bad start and then every time this kid comes to visit the dad just acts like a completely different person. My kids are no good. They are just problems and he's hated my son since the beginning but because I loved him so much sadly I put myself first and I know that's really bad to say, but I did. Last year, He gave full custody of the five-year-old to the mom who lives in Texas and he gets visitations and every visitation is a problem and I just can't stand to be around it I don't wanna leave I don't know what to do. We are on the verge of divorce but he leaves soon and we are turn into a completely different couple. I guess I'm just looking for some advice on what to do or how to change and be different , everything's always put it on me. It's always all my fault I don't live up to the standards he want when his kid is here. I try and just stay out of the way and when things get to bad I start blurting everything on my mind. it's is a very toxic force blended family. But I've spent so much time and energy into it. Anyone else having similar situations. How are you dealing ?
Expect the BM to bash
Expect the BM to bash/badmouth you and your husband to their children and do her best to portray you as the bad guys. "Daddy and I would still be together..."
Am I correct that your husband, after cheating on BM with you, was cheating on you with BM??
Your kids are no good?? "No good" kids are typically a result of poor parenting.
Yes you are correct. And that
Yes you are correct. And that is the case. But my husband is the problem. He's visitation time makes him so on edge. And any little thing my kids do triggers him and then sets me off and we have major arguments. I feel like this brings out the most ugly version of myself. Thank you for your advice. I guess in my gut I know that's the only thing left to do. I appreciate your message
Hon, both of you are
Hon, both of you are responsible. Two marriages ended. You knew he was a cheater when he cheated with you. Red flag #1.
When he cheated on you, that was red flag #2.
He gave full custody of his son to BM and his daughter "is not really around", so he's a lousy and fairly absent father. Red flag #3.
Your kids are problems? Well, have you considered they're angry and possibly rebellious because of your affair and subsequent marriage to your affair partner? Have you ever asked them why they're "problems"? Why they act the way the do? Your H hates your son. Believe me that your son know that.
You started a relationship based on lies and deception and everyone has been hurt. You don't mention how old your children are, but I'm guessing they're not that old since his son is 5yo.
You say your husband is the problem. Then please prioritize your children before more damage is done.
There can still be love in a toxic relationship, but toxic is damaging all of you. Especially the children. Love them enough to end the toxic and get them on the path to healing.
Your right about it all.
Your right about it all. Writing it all down seems so stupid. That I'm trying to find answers when there aren't any. My kids are 11 and 8 and they really keep to themselves and my son talks back sometimes and stuff. I just don't see it them being such an issue like my husband makes it seem. They treat his son good they all play great. I honestly can't pinpoint what the problem is when it comes to the three of them together because that's literally the only time we have problems in our marriage we've overcome all the past stuff.
Writing it all out helps you
Writing it all out helps you purge AND can give you perspective you were previously unable to see.
I truly believe the kids are hurting and don't know how to process their feelings over everything that happened. When you can't express verbally, you may act out physically.
You and your husband could try marriage counseling, but there may be too much hurt for everyone to move beyond the hurts into healthy relationships for all.
The problem isnt the steps. A
The problem isnt the steps. A 5yo visiting sporadically from TX probably without a court order established. The problem is the constant infidelity and disloyalty that you are experiencing firsthand. You and your husband cheated on exes, then broke each others families to get together and your husband continued to sleep with the BM at the same time....The child does not have an issue with you, you have an issue with the ex sleeping with your husband and playing you back at your own game
Both of yall will end up being each others hell in some type of sartrean existentialist novel....
He will continue to have issues with your kids while his kid is there because that is his way of unburdening himself from the guilt of abandoning his child and family in another state to be with you....You will continue to have issues with the 5 year old SS because that is your way of trying to get over the fact that he dipped back in BMs pond after cheating on her with you
I can only hope that the children will turn out "normal" but such dysfunctionality doesnt help produce regular sound minded adults. I know this firsthand because I have witnessed my steps being affected by BM1 and BM2s cheating stories and affairs....
Thank you for your inside.
Thank you for your inside. Makes a lot of sense to why he only acts this way when his kid is here. But can't express it.
Have your DH got to a VRBO for his visitation when his failed
family spawn visits.
Pretty simple.
You focus on the different couple times, let DH and his failed family spawn have their time during COd visitation.