Need help with soon-to-be stepdaughter

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Hi,

I am new to this site but in desperate need of some advice. I met my BF over a year ago and we have been very close ever since, planning to live together come May 1. I am 35, he is 40 with a 9yo old daughter that we have for two-three days every week. She has always been somewhat of an attention hungry little girl with some emotional issues. He and his ex divorced when his daughter was 5. A little background on her was that within 3 months of the separation, she was living with a man and then remarried another 3 months later. I am sure this has not helped the issues his daughter is having. On top of that, his ex just had a new baby, just two weeks old now. Ever since we found out she was pregnant (and especially since the birth), it has been a nightmare every time we have her with us. She cries the minute we pick her up and all day, then at night calls his ex four or five times wanting to go home. My BF is an extremely good father who loves his daughter very much. He provides her with love and everything she could ever need to be happy. However, she is now acting very disrespectful and is trying to cause arguments between he and I. She refuses to go to bed, coming downstairs five or six times to intentionally interrupt our time with silly excuses after we put her to bed. And, now has threatened to "come down every minute after I go to bed if I have to stay here". She is calling him names and telling him she hates to be with us, telling him he's mean b/c she can't go home. This is the only time he gets with her and he is at the point where he is sad and depressed because she is acting this way. I have gotten to the point where if something doesn't change, I am reconsidering living together. I agree with most of his parenting but with issues like this, I feel lost. I do not have children of my own and know what I was getting myself into. That said, I feel as though his daughter is resentful of him for making her be with us when all she wants to do is be with her mom and the new baby. As the baby gets older and more interactive, I feel this is just going to get worse. The problem is now that the mom won't allow her to come home, even if my BF and I can't do anything to make her feel better. We are at our wits end and need some advice on how to cope.

Anyone with the same problem or have any general advice for a path forward? Do I get out now even though I love him dearly and have supported he and her emotionally for the past year? I am torn...

For the not going to bed....

For the not going to bed.... Everytime she comes back down stairs, then her bedtime needs to be moved up the next night. Comes down for half an hour after put her to bed?, tomorrows bedtime is half an hour earlier. Up and down for an hour?, hour early to bed the next night to make up for sleep she missed. At 9 she will catch on real quick that its not in her best interest to come back down.

That's a great idea! We've

That's a great idea! We've tried so many things and nothing seems to work (she gets her stubbornness from her father)! Thanks!

Wow. Your situation sounds

Wow. Your situation sounds kind of similar to mine. I live with my boyfriend who is 47, I am 31. He has a nine year old daughter. Like you, I have no kids of my own. We have his daughter every Tuesday and Thursday, along with every other weekend. I can relate to some of your frustration. Does your to-be step daughter every say why she wants to "go home?" I would guess that she is probably somewhat afraid of being edged out at her mom's house by all the attention that the new baby is getting. And given that the new baby is only two weeks old, hopefully this behavior will pass. I don't know what your boyfriend's relationship with his ex is like, but if it is not completely horrific, it might be worth it to ask him to talk to her about SD's issues over at his house. Maybe she could talk to her daughter and reassure her that she's not missing anything over there and that she needs to behave for her father. (This seemingly logical and normal solution could NEVER happen at my house...but that's a whole other topic completely). Anyway, the other option is just to check out mentally when she starts acting like a brat. If your boyfriend is anything like mine, he is probably a little deficient in the discipline department and somewhat caters to the bratty behavior. If he puts his foot down, she will fall into line eventually. Just don't fall into the trap of taking it on as your responsibility... Good luck!

I am glad i'm not the only

I am glad i'm not the only one going through this. And yes, she says she wants to go home CONSTANTLY, hence all the crying and calls to her mom. I am sure that she is fearing being "forgotten" by her mom and is on edge b/c she is missing out on what's happening over there. My BF's relationship with his ex is so-so. He can't stand her as a person but can communicate with her pretty well when it regards their daughter. That said, she is also very selfish...always thinking of herself, the new baby and her husband. I think she is wanting alone time with them to build their family and is hesitant to give that time up to allow his daughter to come home is she wants/needs to. As far as "checking out", I try but he senses that then gets a little miffed when I disengage; he wants me to be a huge part of her life, which I appreciate. On the other hand, sometimes I really just want to run away and escape. I am struggling with this especially since the only time he and I argue is b/c of her. It would make it a lot easier to walk away if he was a jerk; but he's great, so that's not an option. Perhaps I should express my frustrations more and tell him that I expect changes to happen when I move in; considering I will be paying half of everything it will then be my home too...which also means my rules and expectations as well. He is a softie when it comes to her and I can tell you that hasn't helped with the attention hunger that she needs to feed. Thanks and good luck to you too!

It's awesome that the BM

It's awesome that the BM won't let her come home! Wow, if only all of us had that kind of support. (Assuming that BM is insisting on time with the BF as a good thing?)

Anywho, just stay strong and firm in the rules and boundaries. DO NOT LET UP. Your SD has experienced some major changes (new baby) and is acting out because of it. I'm sure she is infatuated with being a big sister and wants to be there to be a part of it at all times. Also, she could be really jealous of the new baby and doesn't want to leave mom for fear of being replaced. Both households need to validate that she is loved and wanted in both homes.

This may last for a few more weeks, BUT if both you and BF stay strong in the rules, your SD will eventually break.

The key to disciplining kids is: YOU have to be more stubborn than they are. Period.

I am not sure I think it's

I am not sure I think it's awesome that she doesn't let her come home. When the SD is upset, calls her mom and wants to come home, there is nothing explained to her that is meaningful as to why she should stay with us. The last thing she told the SD was "I can't come get you unless you're being harmed". WHO SAYS THAT TO A 9YO?!?!? My gut feeling is that she wants alone time with her hubby and new baby and doesn't want to deal with her daughter when she doesn't have to. She even gets annoyed that she calls her to come home, immediately sending ranting text messages to my BF about it. I agree with your advice and know she's acting out...and there is for sure some jealousy. Being an only child in a broken home for 9 years has given her the feeling of being the only important child. She is so confused about how to feel that she is taking it out on me and my BF, and nothing on her mom. We definitely need to set some rules!

And...why is it my BF is stubborn with me, but not with her?

Thanks so much for the advice!

"I can't come get you unless

"I can't come get you unless you're being harmed". WHO SAYS THAT TO A 9YO?!?!? "

Are we dealing with the same BM? Wow...

And yeah, my DH sure can set boundaries and be stubborn with me, but the BM calls and he's jumping through hoops to make her happy. Pisses me the F off for sure. Hahaa...

My daughter used to be like

My daughter used to be like this when she was younger (8 now) she would call me to come get her when she was with her mom and vice versa. I am no perfect parent but, my daughter's mother and me put our personal feelings toward each other aside long ago and all of our conversations are around her well being. We have worked very hard to be on the same team and consistent with how we raise her and the rules that we expect her to follow at both of our houses. I wish all parents could put their petty bullsh*t aside and just concentrate on the kids.

I agree! It would definitely

I agree! It would definitely help if they would be more willing to forgive and forget. That said, they do well deciding together what is best for their daughter. And, out of respect, I try my hardest to allow them to do so without my interference. I just hope somehow between the two of them that they can figure out what's best for SD.