The next few years are gonna be rough. It's a tough time. Tweenagers are hard to like, especially in a step-family. It makes it harder because she can see you like your kids better and don't want her around. It's just reality. You can't change it. Your feelings are your feelings. It's a power struggle. You want your husband to empathize and agree with you and he doesn't. That feels even worse. Even talking to your friends probably makes you sound witchy. I feel your pain. Being honest to yourself about your feelings, and allowing SD to be honest with hers is probably best.

Heres the deal-your kids don't act that way because you correct them. If at some point they are doing something annoying my guess is you just tell them to cut it out because its' annoying. At least that's what I do with my bios-if they have habits that are annoying to me I don't hesitate to tell them. I want them to be successful in life and figure if I, their own mother, am annoyed by them probably others are as well.

You've been around long enough, IMO, to be real with sd. If she comes into the kitchen and asks you endless questions-don't ignore her-tell her to cut it out. Let her know it distracts you, annoys you, bothers you whatever. You don't have to scream at her or be nasty to get your point across, just be matter of fact about it.

Starting pointing things out to your dh-but come from a position in which he will not become defensive. If she is hanging out with adults instead of her peers, maybe suggest that you are worried that maybe she feels awkward socially since she is always with adults and maybe somebody should talk to her and see if she needs some help with that.

I'd simply say, "Please don't interrupt-its not polite and you shouldn't get up during your meal. Please go finish" If you want to be super nice-put on a big smile and add, "honey" or "sweetheart". When she calls or emails grandma, pull her aside and let her know its not polite to put in a menu request when someone has offered to make you a meal. When she asks you to do her nails, rearrange her room, simply say, "no". Again, you can be as sweet as pie when you say all of this.

A lot of what you are talking about are social graces and manners. That tends not to be a man's area of expertise so your dh may have not thought to teach her these sorts of things. I think it is ok if you let her know what is appropriate or not and I don't see how your dh could complain if you do it in a kind and caring manner.

My bioD gets on my nerves with the constant questions. What I started to do was I'd answer a couple of questions and then if she kept on I would just say "Okay, you're not allowed to ask any more questions" or "I'm not answering any more questions right now". Sort of a 'I need a break' notice if you will.

The interrupting is annoying. Each time one of my bios does this I interrupt them and say "You just interrupted your sister, Sister, please continue." They still do it, but not as much.

If she's hovering around when you're trying to have a conversation with DH, tell her "SD, I'm having an adult conversation with your DH right now. Please go in the other room while I talk to your father."

This only works though if your DH backs you up.

Another thought I had - if you and your DH are going outside to smoke say "DH and I are going outside to smoke. DO NOT bother us unless someone is bleeding or the house is on fire."

If there are times you just want some alone time with DH, tell all the kids, so you're not just singling SD out and tell them all not to bother the two of you unless it's an emergency. If they bother you and come to find out it's really not important, they'll lose desert for the night, or some other punishment.

I have my kids trained not to interrupt me when I'm having a conversation on the phone unless it's an emergency. You better believe they know what an emergency means, LOL.

I can relate! Here's my situation right now...I'm almost in tears watching the clock ready for her to leave!
Hoping I can find some help on how to cope because I have been through hell with relationships and this is the first time I've ever been close with a man. We are perfect together in our relationship but am scared I may have to walk away soon if things don't change. His ex is a real piece of crap and isn't around so I've tried understanding as best as I can. When I met him he lived with his mom and stepdad with his kid. We moved in together and fought every day for months until I made him move out. It was so bad that adult protective services was going to steep in because I'm disabled and was causing major issues for me. It killed me not having him with me every night and I fought so hard to keep it from happening but had no choice. He moved back in with his mom and is still there a year later with out looking like a long term thing. On top if everything his mom is a control freak and acts like his kid is hers. She spoils herbadly and doesn't like me atty all. She wad the ultimate reason I had him leave because she told me I was damaging his daughter because she has so many emotional issues and her dad won't get get help unless I force him to. I fought with myself for months on the decision not wanting to lose him and thinking I could work harder to fix things until she said those things to me. I would NEVER want to hurt a child no matter how miserable they make me. So when she said I was actually hurting this child by moving her in with us and taking her away from their house where she was stable I had to let go. My fiances parents have been a huge issue in our relationship but I just have to suck it top cuz that's his family and I would never come between that. His mother has lied numerous times and he never takes my word only hers. Asking me why his mom would ever lie to him..why would I?! Now over three last year out had been non stop issues. Screwing up in school bad, lying, stealing you name it. She has stolen from me numerous times but her dad says I'm over reacting. Then the last time she stole my old cell phone and activated it! I called the police who gave her a talk but know that's a joke. He grounds her but changes it because he's grounded too so to speak. He spends a few nights a week with me but feels torn which I understand but dunno what to do. Last weekend he wanted to do a family day and I tried I really did but then she got in trouble once again and he had to leave to deal with her. I raised an out of control teenage boy with my ex husband and it was hard but I did it and lovehim so much but this bond that I tried for with his daughter is gone and no matter what I do I can't force myself to feel anything. It kills me to say I don't like a child but I don't! She is at my house right now for a few hours and I'm miserable. Between his parents and kid I don't think I can do it anymore. His ex is a psycho and causes shit with me all the time when I want nothing to do with it. I've said from the start its not my place or my problem. Do I tell him I don't like his kid and don't want her at my home? I know it will probably end our relationship and that's sad because we really are an amazing couple. He says he doesn't know what to do and all he can do is raiser her tool she's an adult and hope for the best. She takes over my house and makes me wanna leave. I promise I have tried a million times in every way to care and work it out but I'm done. She's mean to me and knows she runs the show and I'm tired of being angry especially when I'm so sick with health issues. My daughter wants nothing to do with her and fakes it too which isn't fair to her. Do I tell him I love him but too much damage is done and we may have to put our relationship on hold for the next 5 years? His parents are A.D. huge part too and can't take much more. His mom sent a letter to his ex which then his ex started shit with me again and ours too much. What do you think?! Please help!

My sister had a similar problem with her ysd. The child would always have to be around the adults even when osd and my nephew/sister son's were off doing kid things and letting the adults be. My sister finally found a way to resolve it and we both chuckled about it actually. She would start giving her ysd something to do - always something the child wouldn't really want to do of course

For example, my sister and her husband would be relaxing with a couple friends on the patio and out would come her ysd and sit with the adults and start her attention-getting tactics, my sister would ask "sd could you make your bed sweetie" the kid would go do it or pretend to and come back 5 minutes later. My sister would say "can you go let the dog out", next round "please go pick your clothes up off the floor honey" all said sweetly to her and ysd would march off not happy but eventually she got to realize that any time she started interrupting the adults and trying to be the centre of attention it resulted in her having to go and to some chore she didn't want to do

Eventually she caught on and starting hanging out with the other kids during adult get togethers

I do much of the same thing with my SD10 who loves to be the center of attention and has no regard for one's private time. Every time she comes into where I am ( not invited or welcomed by the way) I always say the same thing..." Oh I am so glad you are here...I need help with "xyz". That makes her leave the room because she is such a lazy thing. I agree that if you do something like that every time, likes Pavlov's dogs, they will learn.

I havehad the same problems with my Sd11(plus a whole helluvalot more).

#1) Be sure that whatever you say, and it is good to rehearse since you can pretty well predict her next move, Be SURE that when she runs back to tell daddy that there is nothing mean about what you said...ex. You can't say, "you're constant chatter is making it hard for me to concentrate". But you can say, "That's an interesting question, but right now I'm cooking and I need to concentrate on this, HONEY, or SWEETIE". Also, I had to get on Xanax for a while to cope with my SD and it's good to have an ipod, ear buds IN while you are cooking. My sd used to bother me while I was cooking cause it's not like you can just walk away from the stove with food cooking! I have run my SD off by saying, "as long as you are in the kitchen, you can unload the diswasher, set the table, wash those pans, etc."

#2) If your SD knows it bothers you that she plops down next to your Dh, PURPOSELY get a throw and a pillow and put it on "your spot" on the couch. NOT NEXT TO HIM, but away from him. If she thinks you dont care where she sits, then maybe she will give it up. We got a dog now, and our dog wont let that stinky kid sit anywhere near DH, so in my house, the dog solved that problem.

#3) I don't know how to shut a kid up at the dinner table. I often keep my ear buds in.

#4) When she interrupts you or invades your conversation, I know you want to go, "nobody asked you, so shut the hell up." But you can try looking at her like she is crazy, look at her like, "who the hell asked you'? also, NEVER acknowledge anything she says, like pretend you didn't hear her when she butts in."

It would be nice if YOU didn't have to be the one to correct her. Why do you have to be the bad guy? I guess youe dh is like mine, either he doesn't see or hear because he is so good at tuning her out or what he does see and hear, he lets you handle because that way HE doesn't have to hurt her precious little feelings.

I almost went insane over these 'small' things and after putting up with it for 4 years or so, I just unleashed on the kid while her dad was still at work. She balled and squalled, but at the end of the day, she keeps her f'ing mouth shut, doesn't correct or insult me anymore, doesn't slam doors in my BD's face anymore, and she has redirected her smart-a$$ remarks toward her dad!

I hope this helps.