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Givemeabreak88's picture

I have been married to my husband for almost 6 years. We both have children from a previous relationship and we also have one together. He has NEVER and I mean NEVER had any problems out of my Childs father nor his family. I on the other had have had problems with not only his Childs mother but also his family. 

My question to all of you is this, I'm a wrong for not wanting his child around if every time his child comes over there are problems and my husband starts treating my two children that live with us differently. In addition to putting his child before me. 

To elaborate on the  " putting his child before me" comment here is what happened....

I had 4 days off 4th of July weekend and we always let my sisters 3 children stay the night to hang out with our children. I told my husband and everyone else that came over with kids that kids cant spend the night unless their parents are spending the night because I am not watching anyones kids. Since my husbands child hadn't been over for a while he decided to let the kids stay anyway because his child wanted to hang out with my sisters kid. Completely disregarding my wishes of not having company. They not only stayed, but they stayed until Tuesday, all 4 days I had off. I expressed each day that i wanted them to go home and my husband's response was "they aren't doing anything". I didn't get to relax on my days off because i was helping watch kids the whole time. So this is what I mean by 'putting his child before me". He completely disregarded my feelings to cater to what his child wanted.

So to circle back to the original questions, am I wrong for not wanting his child around because of the way he acts and treats me and others when his child is there?

Just to give you some background ..... this has been going on for years.

-A fed up stepmom

I Need A Bubble Bath's picture

My DH didsomething simiar over the 4th. He offered to keep his 10 month old  grandbaby after I expressed that I wanted down time and SS12 is drama enough. I settled it by not offering any help...at all. He was exhausted and when he complained I wasn't helping I reminded him that not only did he not consider my wishes but he didn't ask me before he obligated himself. I hope this will make him think twice next time. 

SeeYouNever's picture

Oh yeah it's like everyone else's wants and needs go right out the window if SD asks for something.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Is it wrong for not wanting his kid around when your DH acts like an a-hole when his kid is around?

No, but you're wanting to punish the wrong person. You have a DH problem, and if he is going to be an a-hole when his kid is around, then he can leave and stay elsewhere during visitation. It's not fair to you, your children, and even his own son to be around someone who is going to show favoritism and stomp all over boundaries.

Have you talked to your DH about the 4th? Here is how I would approach it:

"DH, I did not appreciate you deciding during my time off that I would babysit other people's kids during the 4th of July holiday. You didn't discuss it with me, you stomped on the boundaries I had set with others, and dictated how I would spend my time off by taking away my choice. I'm disappointed and hurt that you did it, and I don't want to be put in that position again."

If he apologizes and wants to discuss it, then discuss it. If he gets defensive and argumentative:

"DH, I am happy to discuss with you how to avoid this in the future, but I will not argue with you about what happened over that weekend. If there is something you'd have preferred I would have done, happy to discuss that, too, once you've calmed down."

notarelative's picture

 we always let my sisters 3 children stay the night to hang out with our children. I  told my husband and everyone else that came over with kids that kids cant spend the night unless their parents are spending the night because I am not watching anyones kids. Since my husbands child hadn't been over for a while he decided to let the kids stay anyway because his child wanted to hang out with my sisters kid. 

I'm unclear of who actually stayed. Your sister's kids who always stay? Other kids? Adults?

Since husband unilaterally decided the kids could stay, he should have been in charge of their care, feeding, and entertainment.

Givemeabreak88's picture

Yeah I tried that. He would leave and I had no choice but to watch them. In addition he would sleep in and they would wake me up to feed them. Even though I would try to sleep in. And once I'm up I'm up. So it just ruined my whole weekend and my sister left to go out of town. 

Rags's picture

Get  up early and leave for a hike or to meet friends for coffee, etc... Leave DH to deal with the early AM needs of his children. If he does not wake up to deal with them, that is on him.

simifan's picture

I agree it is unclear who's kids were actually there. However, if DH accepts responsibility for anyone's children - it is just that HIS responsibiltity. Take a lesson from  I Need A Bubble Bath... Go visit your sister, a friend, the mall - anywhere else so you can't be roped into helping. 

Givemeabreak88's picture

My home is my sanctuary. I'm always on the go so I just wanted to stay home ans relax and enjoy my home or else trust me I would have. 

hereiam's picture

The problem is your husband. I understand why you are frustrated, and you are not wrong for feeling that way, but if you are asking if it's okay to say that the child cannot come over, no, that is not okay.

You need to talk to your husband about his actions and he needs to change how he acts when his kid is around.

Givemeabreak88's picture

This is a constant conversation ans he fails to change. I understand it's nit the kids fault. However, I don't want him around if every time he is over my husband turns into a different person because of it. He's not going to change because when we do have these convos he finds excuses and gets defensive and doesn't think he has done anything wrong. That is why this is yet another scenario of the same thing and I'm fed up.