Okay, some people may think this is harsh, but I believe this is the best for everyone involved in the long run. I agree that the leukemia aspect makes things more sensitive, but the BM invading your boundaries does nothing to help her daughter's health. In fact, if the majority of the people in your household are stressed by the BMs inappropriate behavior that is creating a stressful environment for your SD with cancer. Also, as the step-mom and co-head of the household, if you are upset and stressed you will be setting the tone and influencing everyone in the family more than anyone else. It is vital and important that you feel like your own home is a private haven, safe from the BM. We don't even allow our BM to come inside our house! Neither my husband or I would ever tolerate her putting one foot inside our house.

Being a good parent, even in the case of leukemia, does not require that you enter the home of your ex and his wife. I think it is completely unacceptable that she comes in at all. You are being completely walked over and invaded and I can't believe your husband thinks this is okay?!!!! It comes down to this. Your SD, the rest of the kids and you are your husbands priority. The BMs feelings are not his responsibility. He obviously thinks that the BM needs to see her daughters frequently and that is perfectly okay and appropriate. What is not appropriate is the visits taking place in your home. Drop offs need to be limited to exchanging necessary info about the skids on the porch (or stoop or whatever you have) without the BM coming inside. If something about SD needs to be discussed in depth, your DH can meet her in a coffee shop or somewhere neutral and public. If you let the current situation continue, a horrible precedent will be set and your DH will accept that your feelings are third or fourth in priority and that he can't even control his own house and it will be way, way harder in the future to set boundaries when other inappropriate scenarios take place (which they absolutely will if this current situation becomes established and accepted). By not insisting on firm boundaries, your DH is communicating to the BM that she has a great deal of power in your lives. Her behavior is a way for her to weasel her way into YOUR family and home. The ex has NO place in your home. She is the mother of your husbands kids, not a friend, babysitter or maiden aunt. In setting a clear boundary and enforcing it, you are not harming her. As long as she still gets frequent contact and visits with her children, her basic rights are being respected. Her basic rights do not include entering YOUR house against your will to hang out and see her children. She obviously has no boundaries and women like that will push things as far as they can. Even if she reacts angrily or sobs and has hurt feelings, your feelings should be way, way more important than hers. You are your husband's wife and it is your home. Where do his loyalties lie? By not allowing the BM in the house, he is also not harming his daughter. As long as she has open contact with her mom and frequent visits your husband is not depriving her of anything she needs. I survived childhood cancer, so I am very familiar with this dynamic and anybody who uses leukemia as an excuse to have inappropriate boundaries is manipulating you in a very underhanded and despicable way. If your SD has access to medical care, a loving father, happy siblings, a safe home and contact and visits with her mother is getting her needs met more than a lot of childhood/teenage cancer kids do. The visits do NOT need to take place in your home. Your DH will probably see this from the perspective that he wants to keep everyone happy and he hasn't learned yet that having a happy wife is the most important component to a happy and healthy family life and home. His kids need to be loved, taken care of and exposed to both parents. The BMs feelings come last. She is an adult and her feelings are her responsibility. She is not your husbands wife and she is NOT in YOUR family. She is a mother to the kids, but not the mother in your household. YOU are the alpha woman in the house, not her and your husband needs to get his priorities straight. I can promise you that you will be miserable and likely end up bitter and divorced if you don't insist on being respected in your own home. Your husband is putting his ex above you and that is just not okay. I'm sure he thinks he is doing what is right for his daughter, but he doesn't realize that he can give his daughter everything she needs and respect you and your feelings at the same time. I can guarantee that the BM will completely freak out and try to challenge the boundaries after they are first firmly applied. It will take firm and consistent boundaries and eventually she will be forced into respecting them. Your skids will also resist the new boundaries, but much like not letting your kids eat ice cream before dinner, you need to be the adults and do what is right for your family (You, your husband and the kids) and right for them in the long run. No matter how much they freak out and whatever they say, they are not being punished or deprived of anything just because their mother is not allowed in the house. Their visits can take place off your home site and I am assuming the mother has a home of her own? There is no justifiable reason at all for her to hang out at your home. If she feels that she does not have enough time with the kids then you and your husband can work out a schedule that meets her needs too, but not involving visitation in your house, with your husband or you present. This situation is just completely messed up and there are no appropriate boundaries in place. This BM is acting like a little kid that is testing boundaries and seeing what he can get away with. Kids do that and so do immature adults.

None of this is your fault and you DESERVE to have your own home, free of your husbands ex! This is your RIGHT. Your needs are being completely trampled on and ignored. Saying that the ex won't respect the boundaries is an unacceptable and weak excuse. If a burglar entered your house and stole your valuables and you asked him to respect you and stay out and he kept burgling you, would you throw up your hands and let him steal from you because he won't listen to you? Of course not! Its the same situation. Do you have locks on your door? Change the locks and make sure the BM does not have a key. Keep your doors locked so she can not get in. Make an appointment to meet with her at a coffee shop and firmly tell her that things are changed and that clear boundaries need to be set. If she asks for a reason, tell the truth and be a united front. Your husband, specifically, needs to say, "WE feel uncomfortable with you entering our home. We respect your relationship with the kids and want to have a cordial, positive co-parenting relationship with you, but we feel that you being inside our home does not need to be a part of that." Emphasize that she is not going to see less of her kids and that contact is not being cut off. Location is being changed and a new boundary is being set. It doesn't even matter what your reason is. You could not want someone with freckles on her face in your home and it doesn't matter what the BM thinks about that. It's not her home and it's not her marriage. Her feelings have to come last or your marriage and family will eventually fall apart.

As far as the kids go, they are the kids (or teenagers). Are they running the household? Are they paying the rent and utilities? Are they doing all the housecleaning and cooking for the family? Do they make the car payment? YOU and YOUR HUSBAND are the adults and they need to learn and respect that. Sit down with them and have a family meeting where you explain that new boundaries are being set and that their mother is no longer welcome to be inside the house. Any compromise on this will weaken your position and cause a loss of respect for your authority. Do not compromise, but be firm, clear and kind. Emphasize that they will still have full access to their mom, but that it won't take place in dad and step mom's home. They will probably rebel, but stick to it and don't let them disrespect and walk all over you. Make it extremely clear that if they invite or let their mom inside, that they are breaking a serious house rule and follow that up with consequences. For teenage children, take away their phone for a week, or confiscate their computers or take away tv and game privilages. Ground them and don't let their friends visit. These kind of consequences DO work. Get serious and let them know you are serious. If you explain ahead of time exactly what breaking the rule is and exactly what consequence will happen if they do, it is completely and totally fair to enforce the rules and have these consequences. They will probably initially test your authority and do everything they can to make life unpleasant, but stick to your guns and eventually they will accept it and as a bonus they will have a lot of new respect for you.

The absolutely most important part of all this is that you and your husband need to be on the same page. Right now he is being a pushover and letting his ex rule your household. Since it is HIS ex, not yours, he needs to set the boundary and take back the control of his own household. Would he let random people from the street into your home? He DOES have the power to create and enforce that boundary. If necessary you can get legal and call the police to have her escorted off the property. If it really comes down to setting a clear and firm boundary and having her enter your home against your will, you are fully within your rights to ask her to leave and then call the police if she refuses. Unless her name is on the mortgage (and it shouldn't be!) she has no legal right to be in your home. Hopefully it wouldn't come to this, but there is no way this woman can't be stopped from coming inside as your husband has told you. That's just him being a pushover and doing what is easy rather than what is right. I'm sure he loves you to death, but he is not respecting your feelings and rights and he is absolutely putting his ex above you and forcing you into the role of irrational, overreacting stepmonster. This is just not fair. If he fails to step up and give you the respect and privacy that you deserve in your own home, after you explain exactly what you want and think. you can always separate and find your own apartment and give him a chance to see what his priorities have created and that he can and will lose you if he doesn't get his act together. I had a similar situation with my H and I applied and was about to move into a studio apartment when my H realized I was serious and that he was going to lose me. He finally made me his #1 priority, a place shared with his kids and put his ex firmly in her place. That woman is not allowed in MY home. This is my space and she is not welcome here. If my H didn't hate her and had a great relationship with her, I would still insist that they meet up and talk anywhere but in my home. This is not too much to ask and is a basic right. I know firsthand how demoralizing, depressing and enraging it is to feel like you have no power or privacy in your own home. It's just plain bad for your immune system and will kill your marriage, given time. If your husband doesn't see reason and give you full respect, you will not be able to set good boundaries and then it's time to assess your marriage and how much your husband respects and loves you. In my life, my husband stepped up to the plate and set the necessary boundaries to show how much he loves and respects me. It took a while for him to understand that he wasn't making me a priority over BMs feelings, but he got it end the end and I couldn't be happier about it. At one point he realized that he was walking on eggshells with BM just to keep her from flying off the handle and making a huge fuss and he didn't cater to my feelings at all because he knows I am rational and calm. At that point he would have rather hurt my feelings, knowing I wouldn't make a huge scene, over setting the tiniest boundaries with BM and risking her blowing up. I almost had to leave him to get him to figure out his priorities, but he did in the end and I believe that any man can make the right choice and be there for his wife.

Since your BM doesn't respect or follow the court order, you or your husband needs to be documenting everything and when she violates the court order, file an official complaint. Laws exist for exactly this kind of thing. She cannot just ignore the law and do whatever she wants. There are legal consequences for breaking legal court orders. It just seems like she does what she wants because no one has had the guts to stand up to her and insist that consequences occur.

Please, stay strong and insist on being respected. You are worth it and deserve the best your husband can give you. Don't settle for anything but full respect.

Sorry I wrote so much, I just feel really strongly about this issue and it makes me sad and angry to think of a woman being put in your position. I sincerely hope he straightens up and that you two are able to set clear, consistent boundaries and enforce them. Also good luck with your SD's leukemia, I hope she stays strong and achieves remission and gets her health back.

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde

I agree 1000% with everything StepMadre said above. Please take her advice & follow it to a "tee". Of course, you will most likely experience some resistance from BM when you first start enforcing these rules, but stand strong - eventually (just like a child) she will get used to this and will have no choice but to respect your wishes. Her coming into your house is completely & totally unnecessary.

My BF & I NEVER, EVER allow BM into our home (and I moved into the home he shared with her before they were divorced, so this is formerly her home - and she's STILL never allowed into our home - EVER!) These were originally my BF's rules, not mine - but of course I've always agreed with him!! BM tried to come close to the front door a few times in the beginning, but we "trained" her right from the beginning that the exchanges and/or any discussion regarding skids take place OUTSIDE of our home. She has absolutely NO business whatsoever coming into your home - especially uninvited.

Ummmmm ..... why the hell is she in your house at all? That would never happen in our home. Neither my XW nor SpermDad would get an inch inside the front door ....... EVER.

In fact, they have never been to our home. We have been to SpermGrandMa's house several times but I would not let any of the SpermClan near our home for any reason. They don't even know where we live.

The home is YOUR home. You and DH provide it for the family and YOU decide who gets to come in. BM being their is an invasion of your life and completely inappropriate. It gives her power over you, your DH, your marriage and your family. STOP IT NOW.

As StepMadre said, transfer the kids at a neutral location for visitations not at your home. If there have to be parental meetings to discuss the Skids then have them over the phone or at a neutral location. Hell, rent a small hotel conference room if you have to but don't let the X in your house.

I understand the Skids illness adds an emotional element to the situation for everyone. No one likes to see a child get sick or suffer. However, the intrusion in your family is completely unacceptable under any circumstance IMHO.

Good luck and best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

The way I expressed this to my DH is by telling him that BM really does have a significant amount of power over me that I worked hard my entire life not to allow anyone to have. For example, if I were to get offered a job in California I wouldn't be able to take it because we have our SS. She controls where I live, where I go, how much money I have, etc... I told him I needed something in my life that she couldn't touch, and I wanted that to be my home. I told him that she could come into our house ONE time, just to see where her son slept, but there would be no socializing whatsoever. She hasn't come in yet. She's stepped into the doorway one time when it was really cold, I didn't mind that. Otherwise, this is MY home and I'm the only Mother here.

Good for you on getting things to change. I have a similar problem - my spouse and I are both women and her ex-husband is a tool about wanting to spend time with our family. The kids are finishing middle school, and I have to say that he's a good father except for giving the kids a strange sense of the world. He "asks" too many people to give the kids rides places, even when the kids are uncomfortable, and despite getting child support, never seems to have any money when the kids have expenses (my favorites: asking if we can take one of the kids to a birthday party but then drop them off without having gotten the required birthday present; making the kids use their allowance money for new underwear (if he's screwed up and not finagled to drop them off before they 'need' something).

But I digress. We've managed to stop him from entering our house with the kids' keys for the most part and rarely does he now use one of our two parking spots. But he can find the most ingenious ways of intruding - sometimes I swear he sits around thinking about it. He seems to have no sense of pride - will strongly imply that he'd love to see the movie we're taking the kids to see, or text the kids when he arrives at the airport to "see" if we happen to be nearby (and mentioning that he can't wait to give them their present which inevitably cost less than 5 bucks). He seems to thrive on having 'exceptions' to who has custody just so he can have more face time - for the longest time I assumed that it was because he wasn't "over" my spouse. And there is some of that. But if she's out of town, he calls me - I believe that he's lonely and really thinks of us as HIS family rather than seeing himself as an adult in a family with his two kids.

Usually I can block him and his behaviors from my mind. I know my partner does her best to shield me from his nonsense, like telling him to call the kids' phones, not our land line, but I know that he calls and texts HER several times a day and she just doesn't tell me (unless I ask) - and if no one picks up, he'll call each one of us, including MY work cell phone because "it's urgent" (he seems to think his thoughts are too important to leave in a message).

So while my partner has made progress, sometimes I get fed up - and my partner does not want me to unload on him, even 'nicely', because she says that he will triple his efforts to get under my skin; she says it's his nature to enjoy this kind of drama and would feed off it. I do believe her (I've seen hints of it) but I have nowhere to go with my frustration. And I do know that once ONE behavior has been changed, he finds a new way to have his presence known - including art to put in our house (garage sale crap) or have the need to borrow something (and uses the kids for this need, knowing I'd call him on it - the funniest was his "borrowing" our mixer while he found out if his broken one 'could be fixed' despite being a cheap Target mixer). In other words, ANYTHING which can allow additional trips to our house, which MIGHT lead to an opportunity to stick around - commenting that whatever is cooking smells so good and that he doesn't have time to get dinner before he has to be somewhere (but then stays for an hour and appears to have nowhere to go) OR building a shelving unit for one kid's room without checking with the adults and endlessly needing to measure or install or adjust.

He uses the kids as a way to get in the door. And he will often show up with half of some dessert he made that he "can't finish". He technically "calls first" by pulling up in front of our home where we can all see him through the window and saying so, saying he was en route somewhere, so that it would be rude (in the kids' mind) to say no. And of course THEN he needs the dish back.

What is even more bizarre is that he does this when he HAS the kids - same old dessert story or one forgot her favorite t-shirt. He'd started sending the Blockbuster DVD rentals over with them so then that would get mixed up and commingled. It's always poised to look like he's offering us something (a special bread, fresh berries he's picked) but all the while NEVER doing work that would get him a promotion (and thus reduce his child support payment). I joke to my spouse regularly that he'd move in with us if we gave him half a chance. Honestly, I think he would if he could figure out a way to not make him sound like a loser to the kids - kind of like how he'll pick up the check at a graduation dinner but then privately ask us to pay 2/3 of the bill out of the kids' earshot which makes him look like a hero - that's the only way I know that he is conscious of looking like the mooch he is. He racks up a lot of points with half-eaten desserts and home-canned jams but has no qualms about NOT footing half of the activities bills (and doesn't let it interfere with his expensive vacations).

Just writing this makes my skin crawl. I hate to sound sexist, but whenever I'm around him I want to tell him to "stop acting like a girl" with the home canning and baking and sewing AND to tell him that this may be one of the reasons his dating efforts are not going well. Yes, women like 'sensitive' men but I'm far more masculine than he is (and I'm not masculine) - he'd told our 12 year old boy that it was "fine" to wear girl's sneakers he'd picked up (garage sale again). Boys DO go through a lot of sizes quickly at twelve but they had a good amount of pink in them - I simply didn't want him to be teased endlessly (or get his ass kicked) to save twenty bucks! I WANTED to say "well, if you hadn't gone to ITALY in May then maybe you wouldn't be having money problems" but held my tongue - instead I went to Sport Mart and shelled out some bucks for BOY'S shoes since he was morose about the thought of going to school in shoes with a pink stripe. Puberty is hard enough.

I love my kids. I love my family. As things go, I have it pretty easy. I keep thinking that if he gets a life that we won't rely on us for one. Maybe he'll find a woman who likes home-canned jam so much that she doesn't mind paying for most expenses and mothering a full-grown man. My partner and I are certain that he won't remarry until after the kids are grown because that would reduce his CS, but we're fine with that - just leave us alone!

Whew - that FELT GOOD! And I finished before he drops off our daughter and tries to come in for some damned reason. Anyone know a woman who loves jam???