How to make it fair
I've been living with my partner for 1.5 years. I love my 4 step kids and we get along amazingly. As a family we are fantastic.
My partner and I have a great relaitionship overall.
My partner monthly wage covers $1000 a month to his ex (a large amount was paid as an upfront installment)
He covers all food, rent and holidays for our home while his kids are here.
I look after the home, all cooking, all his picking up and I take care of the kids when they are here 50% of the time, they think of me as their mum and the youngest even calls me mum sometimes. I am starting a business and very busy, when he comes home he does nothing.... at all...ever....
I love our situation and think it's currently fairish, with me maybe doing a little more than I need to.... But I love getting things done.
He covers the cost of my rent, food and holidays and if we eat out..
I pay for extra food, and things here and there and all my personal purchases (clothes,beauty)
The issue is he thinks he gives me WAY more than I put in....
I keep telling him his money pays for his kids mainly.
I live here- but he would have moved in to this same place even if I wasn't here - so rent is no more.
He pays for my holidays but I do the looking after, sunscreen, showering, getting them ready, hagning out with them - AND he has taken nannies in the past who didnt have to pay for themselves... And I do more then they ever did.
His 13 year old daughter has mentioned that he doesn't give me enough credit for all I do.
He says that if this is what it takes to be with me he is willing to put more into this relationship than i do...
That makes me frustraed becuase it's just not true. All my friends that see what I do know how accomodating I am, I've given up everything for his 4 kids and we have them every weekend (their mother doesn't want them on weekends).
At the moment my problem is I don't like that he thinks he puts more into this relationship.
We are planning on having kids and we are talking about how to divide everything then.
He can't look after the house because I'm better at it and it hasn't worked in the past.
I think when we have kids I can start putting in 50% of what our kids cost to raise.
I think that if I am parenting his kids as I do, I shouldn't have to also pay for them.
I wouldn't care so much if we were married, but he keeps telling me I do all if this at my own risk... I am not going to be the home maker, mother and income provider while he comes home and waits for me to look after him and his children. And then if we are not married and we break up I have got nothing to show for it...He will legally owe me nothing.
I would LOVE your thoughts...
Telll him to hire someone to
Telll him to hire someone to do all you do. When he sees how much that would cost him, he might shut up.
Another tactic would be to totally disengage from all you do for a couple of weeks so he can SEE the results of you not doing what you do.
He is trying to get you to do more? Pay for more? Is he going without something he wants? What is underneath his complaints??????
How much does your business
How much does your business make? Can you survive on your own? How long did you date your partner before you moved in with him? Do you have imminent plans to marry? If not, why?
It sound to me like there's way too much "score keeping" going on in this relationship. If he is voicing to you that he puts more into the relationship than you do (because of his financial contributions), then it's something he's thinking about. If you can't convince him that you're an equal partner now, you're not going to convince him of that later. Some men think that financial contributions are the be all and end all and they do not properly value the non-financial contributions of their partner. I personally would not want to be in a relationship where I was not considered an equal partner, regardless of whom brought home most of the money.
When you say he tells you you "do all of this at your own risk," what does that mean? Why is that coming up? I find the fact that he says that to you very troubling, and I would be quite concerned in your situation.
Being equity life partners
Being equity life partners does not include a financial balance sheet. It is far more than just financial. It is comprehensive.
My parents are and always have been equity life partners and my mom with limited exception has never been in the workforce. Anyone who tried to tell my dad that my mom isn't his equity life partner would be set straight by him in a hurry.
My bride and I just celebrated our 24th anniversary a month ago. I have always been the significanly higher earner. But we absolutely have an equity life partnership. At least from my perspective. My bride would probably disagree as she has and does take the overwhelming majority of the household duties though I have upped my game over the past few years. Even I, a man, am clear that there are many things in an equity life partnership that are far more valuable than money. Someone who earns no income can be by far the biggest contributor to a life partnership if the other partner does not step up beyond providing the household/family income. This is likely one of those "you know it when you see it" things and difficult to quantify but I know with absolute confidence that it is true.
Your SO needs clarity on this. Though for the most part your situation sounds pretty good... this looming issue could easily grow to be a deal breaker.
If I were you I would
If I were you I would maintain the status quo. I don’t see any major problems here unless you’re trying to create problems.
DO NOT HAVE MORE KIDS.
DO NOT HAVE MORE KIDS.
You've expressed there are already issues with the way the relationship is. Your feelings are valid. You guys need to work through this and you need to do it before you even think about having more children. Having more children won't make anything better.
Keeping score is not going to
Keeping score is not going to work. And his whining about putting more "in," instead of using his words and saying "hey, can you start paying for ___, because ___" is also not going to work in a long term, adult relationship.
Sit down with him and say that you two need to hash out the logisitics of running your household, with the big 3 being: finances, housework, childcare. Each share what you're willing to contribute to each of the 3 main areas. Are each of you willing to compromise in order to fill the needs of each of those 3 points between the two of you? If not, then as sad as it is, you'd have to leave. Those aren't issues that are just going to go away. Marriage might help you feel a little more secure financially, but it could also certainly open up a lot more financial pitfalls also (like taking up each other's debt, differences in spending habits, joint versus seperate accounts, etc). And adding a kid to the mix I promise will only complicate the finances (maybe you want to spend $200 on soccer lessons for biokid, but what to do with the other 4 kids who also now think soccer sounds fun?).
My takeaways are: He's taking you for granted (and that will only get worse). He doesn't see you as an equal partner. He whines and complains instead of asking/saying what he wants. And you guys aren't able to compromise and/or communicate about finances (also, will only get worse and more complicated). What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? :/
WOW Thanks!
I was sure I had something to stand my ground on. And I see I do. Thansks for all the feedback.
The good part is he wants to nut this out before we have kids, so while he thinks like this, he is willing to get some counciling to try to see my side. I think heis so hurt by his ex that he needs to keep that "control" and "bargening chip".
Yes, I am not willing to have kids if we don't resolve this, I really see it can become an issue in the future.