How do I stay with my girl when I hate her kids?
First I should say that I'm 43 and a decent, hard-working guy who adores my girlfriend, whom I moved in with about 15 months ago. I should also say that after reading a lot of posts on this forum that I feel much, much better than I did before I started - my problems aren't close to most I've read here!
But I really need some advice, basically on how I can continue living here. For the sake of discussion I'll call the kids SD16 and SS9.
God I hate to say it but I have a very strong dislike for her kids. I hate it more because I know a lot of it is my GF's fault. She just about NEVER disciplines them and they just are constant jerks, especially to her, which is very hard for me to deal with. The girl is a lost cause, to me. She won't deal with anything, she just starts screaming and/or crying and storms away and gives us the finger if we even approach a difficult subject. Her mom has basically been the 'friend parent' and now the girl feels that she should be treated as an adult while acting like an infant. I really hate to be around her at all, its always tense. She is constantly bossing her mom around and mom just takes it for fear of a blow up. This all sucks badly but I thought at least she's a practical (and materialistic) enough girl to make her own way and move out in a couple years (pleeeaaase!)
But here's the thing, the boy is becoming just like her - already at 9! He's constantly whining, he berates and talks down to his mom, is disobedient and constantly pushing, pushing, pushing boundaries. I understand all this is normal but I'm sick of listening to their constant yelling and berating and I fear that if something's not done now....
My girl says she'll deal with it but I know she won't, and I could easily deal with it but then my girlfriend gets mad at me....
I'm a good man, I have no kids myself and I'm really starting to wonder if my GF doesn't care enough about her kids to teach them how to be decent people, do I really want to keep dealing with it? I mean, I've been through a lot myself and I deserve to be happy....
Advice please!
I should clarify... 'Hate' is
I should clarify... 'Hate' is a bit strong... I don't 'Hate' them, just really, really don't like being around them.
wildblueyonder, I am a
wildblueyonder,
I am a stepmom whose husband hates my 8 year-old son. It didn't start out that way. He loved me so much four years ago that I would have never guessed this could happen. There was no indication that he would turn so hateful back then. He has his own boys who are 12 and 14 and that probably has something to do with his attitude toward my son (he feels guilty that my son spends more time in our house than his boys do). You probably won't like what I have to say. Both my husband and myself agree that we would have walked away before we blended our families if we knew then what we know now. But now we are stuck trying to decide whether to stay together and make everyone in the house miserable or split up and wish that we had met after our kids were raised. We love each other and are happy when we aren't around kids or talking about them. He turned from a very happy and optomistic person into a completely different person after we blended our families. He fully admits it too. He just doesn't know how to change it. We tried counseling and it helped a little bit... for a little bit. A few months later we are back to fighting all the time. If you don't want to walk away from this relationship at least wait a very long time before you make any sort of commitment. That means living together, joint accounts, getting engaged, have a baby (don't do it!!!), etc. If you think it is bad now, just wait until you are trapped in a permanent relationsip where splitting up means you have to uproot the kids again. Your step-daughter may have some nasty quirks, I have no doubt about that, but most kids do. It is much easier to tolerate quirks from your own kids than someone else's. Your GFs kids probably resent you because you represent someone who is not their dad but who takes your GFs attention away from them. As nasty as their behavior is and even if they are rotten to the core, they are kids and they didn't ask for any of this. They are too immature to just deal with it inwardly. Your differing parenting styles will be the deal breaker in the end. Sorry to be so negative.
Should I Stay or Should I go
The issue was never your love for the girl, rather you loathing of the kids. Your love for mom hasn't made the children more desirable has it?
Move on....at 42 you have no
Move on....at 42 you have no kids? You probably have a drove of women on this board alone that will snatch you up LOL
Agreed. Find yourself a nice
Agreed. Find yourself a nice CHILDLESS woman!!
LOL, thanks for the
LOL, thanks for the encouragement, but at 43 I also know that love ain't easy, and I really love this girl so I want to give it a real shot to make things work!
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Or - one that is a good
Or - one that is a good partner and even better parent.
If she wants you in her life - how about going to a therapy session - you and her. The kids will come later after the two of you get on the same page.
If she isn't willing to do that, she's not willing to work on the relationship, honor you, or give you the thought and respect you need.
I am a mother and my bf is 36, childless, no marriages, etc. He has raised some valid issues about my style of parenting, what's different, how he would handle. We discuss - but we don't always agree. However - even yesterday we discussed the way we approach each other will determine (many times) the outcome of the conversation.
I am seeing a counselor starting Saturday on tips toward teens and blended families. I'm not too proud to say that I don't have all the answers or options.
She shouldn't be either.
Just my thoughts,
JRTerrierMom
you got that right!!!!
you got that right!!!!
That's the thing that makes
That's the thing that makes it so difficult, I really don't feel we are 'on the same page'. We've talked and talked about it, and she's told me she's sick of me putting down her kids. Put they can put her down, and do, almost constantly.
I've spent quite a bit of time with the boy and, alone, we have no problems. He would never talk to me the way he talks to his mom. The biggest problem is that he feels already completely entitled to do and be however he likes and then things erupt and she's so used to it that hey, no big deal. Its been impossible for me to get across to her how it effects me to be constantly exposed to the level of their conversations - not to mention my concern for what the boy is learning and how it'll be later.
I really appreciate the advice, perhaps I'll even let her read this so she can take in some more viewpoints.
wildblueyonder, my husband
wildblueyonder, my husband and I have been together for ten years…. I’m at the point where I’m really really close to being able to validate the use of the word “hate” when it comes to my husbands’ son. I’m not happy with my life right now, but I love my husband so I’m still with him, but if someone told me that this is how it was going to be, I’d probably have opted out and moved out of this relationship before it got to the point of no return.
You and I are the same age…as long as you’re not looking to hook up with some young chippie, you’ll be fine finding someone new. It might take a little while, but you’ll be living that time without the aggravation of what’s going on in your house, dealing with kids you don’t like.
It’s hard enough to be in a relationship with step-kids when you DO like them, it is IMPOSSIBLE to be in a relationship when you have step-kids you DON’T like!
I THINK....you and joanie
I THINK....you and joanie from these boards both move on from your current relationships and hook up lol.
Can we take a vote?
Sorry-i'm not tryign to minimize what you feel for your gf -but man I tell ya....tough road ahead. Not sure it's worth it. As others have said-it's hard enough when you sort of like them. AND if her parenting is that bad now, i see little hope for you.
I'll try anything twice
I'll try anything twice
I call "dibs" on
I call "dibs" on @wildblueyonder!!!!!
You don't... She is not much
You don't...
She is not much of a mother if she would stay with someone that hates her kids, and not much of a lover if she will let her kids act that way when it causes you so much distress. Why would you stay? :?
Move out and keep dating her.
Move out and keep dating her. When the kids are out and gone, move back in together and get married if you want. Only 9 yrs til the youngest is out of the house. If you can't date that long, you wouldn't have made it staying in the house, either.
WBY, I agree w/ most of the
WBY, I agree w/ most of the posters, it may be a lost cause. When I met DH at the ripe old age of 18, he and "psuedo step", nephew age 6 (now 33, time flies!) were a package deal. I jumped into the "step" thing w/ both feet, I think the reason it worked for us is I just right away wouldn't suffer any BS in my house. (we married at ages 19/20)CTBB(Champagne Taste on a Beer Budget, my nickname for nephew) was mostly good in his younger years, but we had issues w/hygeine and table manners. He also got in a lot of trouble @ school. I guess I was naieve enough to think "my house my rules" from the beginning, and even tho DH sometimes fought me on being too hard on his wittle 120 pound boy I stuck to my guns. He knows now the guilty parenting/spoiling he MIL did only harmed CTBB. Your lady is not doing her children any favors. And they WILL be back w/ you guys when the big bad world doesn't let them treat it like they treat thier mom. My 2cents for what it's worth. Good luck and God bless.
This is absolutely strange
This is absolutely strange coz I have the almost exact same situation. Her kids used to be real sweet and good but as we went on they just became little devils, the oldest is now the worst. I support them financially but all the drama and stuff that goes on is getting to me, I feel that eventually i'm going to have to break up with her. I can only be grateful that I never asked her to marry me though she has hinted very often that she would like that.
Tell your girlfriend that if
Tell your girlfriend that if she doesn't start disciplining the children, you will leave her. Tell her you will back her up 100% when she is doing this, but she has to start the process each time the children diss her/you or start the whinging thing. I am a woman and I would do this to a man who didn't raise his kids properly. And I would follow through and leave if he didn't man-up (or perhaps that should be "parent-up"). If you end up leaving, find a woman who either doesn't have children (check the childfree websites) or a woman who actually parents any children she has.
Wildblueyonder, thanks for
Wildblueyonder, thanks for sharing. It feels good to see I'm not alone. I divorced about 2 years ago, and met a great woman last year. I love her. We have been dating for about a year and living together for about half of that time. When we started dating, her daughter (now 21) was not in the picture...living with friends and getting into trouble. She came back to mom just before we moved in together. I must admit, I told my girlfriend no problem and agreed to move in anyway with both of them.
I guess I incorrectly assumed that this kid would have a life of her own, but she doesn't. Other than a boyfriend she's with 2 or 3 nights a week, she's constantly around. She lost her job 6 weeks ago, and doesn't seem interested in working anymore. She has tried college several times to no avail.
I'm not proud of this, but I basically told my girlfriend I can't marry her until this situation is better. My girlfriend is sad that our future depends on what her daughter does, or does not do. She does get on her kid, maybe not on the same timeline and with the same style that I would. She says she is "sick" of hearing me complain, and when I try and discipline the kid, it always back-fires. We went to two counseling sessions...my girlfriend just sat there and then would finally open up AFTER we left.
What makes this even worse is that I have an 11 year old daughter and the two of them are BEST buddies. I would hate to lose the sense of family that I now have.
Anyway Wildblueyonder, I'm starting to think this is just one of those things we cannot control or do much about. It sucks to feel so helpless...it's like deal with it or leave, and neither option seems good right now. Ya know?
do I really want to keep
do I really want to keep dealing with it? - If you continue this relationship you have to know that you will have these kids around you to deal with in one way or another for the rest of your life. If you don't want to deal with it now, will you 10 years from now?