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MommaBearr12's picture

Submitted by MommaBearr12 on Thu, 04/26/2018 - 5:47pm

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Blended Family Issues

Let me start off by saying that I am new to this site and forum. I really need to vent to someone that is not involved. And thank you ahead of time for listening everyone.

So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. He has a 9 year old daughter and I have a 7 year old son. His daughter is the only child, just like my son. His daughter is very over dramatic with everything. She always says she is sick when she is not. All of it is to get attention.. Her Dad gives her attention when she is around too but he only has her 3 days a week and BM has her 4 days a week. Her BM doesn't like me for no reason what so ever. And I'm pretty sure she tells her daughter stuff to say when she is with me. She recently told her dad that she doesn't want him to marry me when if you back track to maybe a 1 year ago she was all about it. She would even say that she would give us her rings that she plays dress up with. So her dad asked her why she would say that she doesn't want him to marry me and she said that she misses when it was just them two together. They get time together out of the 3 days alone but I'm pretty sure she is hinting that she wants it to be every single day they have together to be just them together. She is very jealous. Her and I relationship is good. We plays together, do makeup and draw together but of course we all want our time alone for ourselves for a little bit so I'm not always hanging out with her and my child. I let them be independent and do what they want.. Read.. Draw.. Play video games.. Use their tablets/phones.. Play with their toys. I just feel like I'm being a good mom but it's not enough for her. My son always tells me that I'm the best mommy but I want her to feel the same way. And so let's backtrack to yesterday.. My boyfriend and I went out to eat and he was texting her and he ended up lying to her and telling her that he was at a friend's house bc he didn't want her to get jealous. But it kind of hurt my feelings. It's like he is scared to tell her what he is doing or he doesn't want her to know he has fun without her. I understand that she might get jealous but it wasn't our day with her and we usually always go out to eat with the kids when we have them. So my boyfriend ended up getting mad at me because I questioned him about as to why he lied to her and he basically said he doesn't want her jealous but cmon really is this gonna happen for the rest of our lives.. Him lying to her about us going out to eat or to the movies or on vacation. 

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Thu, 04/26/2018 - 7:18pm

Stop trying to be her mother. She has a mother. She needs a female advocate who understands what it is like to be a woman around her Dad as she navigates her teen years and beyond. You and BF have only been together for 2 yrs. Prior to that she had her Daddy allll to herself. Think how your son is. She was the same age when you two got together and 2 yrs for a kid isn't long. She had her Dad to herself all that time.

Yes, last year she was all about weddings. This year she isn't. Next year it will be something else. It isn't all about your feelings. She changes her mind. She is a little human. Kids do not just go along for the ride with the expectation that Daddy/Mummy knows best and it will all turn out just fine. My Grand daughter goes on and on about the 18 mths when she was 4 that she lived with her father and grandfather. In fact it may have been closer to 1 yr. But those memories are what she clings to. Those are her happiest of times with her Dad.

I agree with you re out for dinner. He should have said "Mommabear and I are out for dinner." Ask him how he will feel when she lies to him about where she is (when she is older) to not hurt her Dads feelings. Also he doesn't need to be accountable to a 9 yr old. I would have responded "Out, What's up?" See, this is what happens when kids get cell phones. There is no need to track Dad down unless there is an emergency like her mother was taken to hospital and he needs to pick her up.

Just chill on the mommy-stuff. It will make things a LOT easier later on.

 

MommaBearr12's picture

Submitted by MommaBearr12 on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 2:07pm

Im definitely not trying to be her mother but I am trying to be a good stepmother to her by being her friend. It hasn't been easy.. Which I know it isn't supposed to be easy. And I know that she wants her dad all to herself but it's never been just them bc the BM has always been in the picture on and off. But thanks for you insight. I apperciate it. 

skatermom's picture

Submitted by skatermom on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 11:42am

I hate to say this but you have a budding mini wife on your hands.  The jelously, tracking dadddyyy down, reminising when it was "just the two of us"  Proceed cautiously, this stuff does not get any better, in fact it gets worse

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 05/03/2018 - 1:15pm

If your SO priotitizes the Skid over you and the relationship he is missing the core of an equity life partnership.  His DD incorporates into the collective on her visitation days.  Her visitation days do not break up the collective of the blended family.

The same applies to  your DS and his visitation schedule.

SO needs to give his DD clarity NOW.  If he doesn't...  you and the relationship are not his priority.

Kids are the top relationship responsibility but never do they displace the relationship as the priority.

Both of the kids are more than old enough to be held to standards of behavior and bear the consequences of their choices to deviate from those standards.  SD-9... needs to have a knot jerked in her tail by her father.

IMHO of coure.

Good luck.