Help !!!! I know Im wrong but I cant help it !!!
Hi, I just found this site recently and I was wondering if someone out there has been in a similar situation as myself. I have been married for 5 years and I have a SD 11 who lives across the country. We only see her once or twice a year due to the distance. All in all, I cant complain about anything that she does (except being slightly clingy). She has always been nice to me and excited to see her siblings here.
Here's my problem....I never look forward to her visits. She's set to come visit us for two weeks over Easter break and already I'm marking my calendar for the day she leaves. The whole situation makes me feel weird and i don't know why...little things like when she mentions her mother just annoy me. I dont dislike her personally and I dont hate her cause I really think she is a good kid but I just never look forward to seeing her. When she is over here my first instinct is to leave the house or chill out alone in my bedroom.
Am I totally awful for not having a bond with her and not really having a real desire to try? She seems to like me (though you cant really tell cause she's sort of a people pleaser) but I cant compel myself to want to be happy and jolly with her. I just dont want to be close to her.
What is wrong with me?
I like my neices and nephews
I like my neices and nephews too, but wouldn't look forward to a two week stay with them either.
It just throws your whole routine out of whack etc., and who would look forward to that?
Nothing wrong with you.....just do what the rest of us do....grin and bear it!
Good luck and try to make the best of it.
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with you! How can you possibly have a bond with someone you only see a couple of times a year? It's like having a long lost neice or nephew come stay with your for a week or two, except when they talk about their mom, at least your DH hasn't slept with her (well hopefully! lol)
Don't beat yourself up over this, you are not a bad person, you are not being mean to her, honestly she might like it that you leave and give her alone time with her dad. Just be yourself and live your life and be glad you don't have to feel like this every weekend!
Nothing is wrong with you
Nothing is wrong with you momof3tobe; like Daizy pointed out, you only see her a couple of times a year, how could you possibly bond with that schedule? Shoot, we've got SM's on here who live 24/7 with their skids and they still haven't and probably never will bond. If your SD's not a bad kid, consider yourself lucky. Those two weeks seem like a lifetime now, but hopefully they will pass quickly. Maybe you could schedule something fun for yourself during the time she's visiting so you have something to look forward to?
Thank you for not making me
Thank you for not making me feel like a horrid beast. I talked to my best friend (who's not a mom or stepmom) about my feelings yesterday and she thinks that I'm awful for not being excited and happy to see her since she's just a kid. Her idea is that SD will be in my life forever so I should bond with her because if not then she'll resent me later in life.
I don't want her to resent me and I definitely don't want to interfere with the relationship my DH has with her....I just can't compel myself to want a relationship with her as well.
Is it not enough to just be the nice and friendly adult she sees from time to time? Am I heartless for not wanting "family time" together? The whole situation feels forced to me whenever she's around.
Of course your friend said
Of course your friend said that. Its politically correct, and people just love to spit out the pc answer to any question.....oh, that is until they LIVE it..... then they are a bit more compassionate and try a little harder to understand.
would you ask a librarian how to perform heart surgery? No???? Of course not.
There's nothing wrong with
There's nothing wrong with you honey. This is normal. She might be a good kid, and that's a wonderful blessing for you, but it's also something that makes you change plans, manage an additional child with additional needs, and instead of it being a vacation for you, it's more responsibility.
It's normal not to be super bonded with someone else's kids. If you made her togehter, your feelings would be totally different. It's ok... lighten up on yourself. You're doing just fine.
Momof3 be happy you only get
Momof3 be happy you only get her a few times a year and not EOW like most of us here do! The bond won't be immediate and you might never bond with her. You're not a beast or a bad person. Try and show her a nice time when she comes but also feel free to do YOU and let her Dad do things with her on his own. The key is to not make a big fuss over her visit, treat her as if she's always been there. It will probably make her feel more like a part of the family. Have her set the table when you make dinner, or help you fold the laundry. You'll be fine and there is NOTHING wrong with you.
StepA I have to be honest, I
StepA I have to be honest, I don't understand why you would allow ANYONE much less a SKID treat you with any type of disrespect. I just wouldn't put up with it. I don't care how up DH's ass my Skids go, they will NEVER backtalk or insult me. I just won't tolerate it. A kid is a kid. And as an adult, I will not be disrespected by ANYONES kids. That's just how I see it. I think if more of the SM's on here made it their business to not eat a Skids crap, they'd be much happier.
once or twice a year?? i am
once or twice a year?? i am so freaking jealous i can NOT stand it!!!
but those times are probably like 2+ weeks everytime, too, so i totally get how the sucks!! between her clinginess and dh's need to overcompensate b/c he never sees her has to send you over the edge just a bit!! you're not awful at all!!
Thanks everyone. I'm just not
Thanks everyone. I'm just not really comfortable when she's around and my friend thinks that by withdrawing from the situation I'm being mean to her. I think its the opposite...I don't want to come off as mean or phony so I stick to myself when I'm not up for it (which sadly is often) so that the few interactions we do have when she is here are actually pleasant. I will try to just be myself and go along with what I would normally do and not be pressured to become an instant "family" when she is here.
Good plan, momof3tobe. Your
Good plan, momof3tobe. Your friend who advised you that you're wrong does not walk in your shoes, and no one can EVER tell you how you SHOULD feel. That is purely ridiculous and I'm a little mad at your friend.
Look at it this way... too many step parents try to inject themselves into EVERY interaction the kid has with his/her parent. By stepping out and having a life of your own, you are allowing his child to have quality time with him without your interference. And you come back fresher and happier because you had fun, they are happy to see you return. You can be sure to get involved in ways that make everyone happy. For example; I'm the best person in my skid's life to help with homework. His BM is way too dumb, and his dad is way too impatient. I'm a natural born teacher so we have fun when I help him. I also let him read to me while I'm cooking. he gets really into it and follows me around to show me the pictures, and I kinda like it too. I have also helped him with craft projects for school. These are good step parent moments.
However, going out to dinner with skid is a nightmare, and I usually send them out together where they can eat fast food and ice cream if they want to, and I have a calm meal with a book and my puppy. So pick the times to get involved, and otherwise feel free to live your own life. It's going to be FINE!!
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