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Frustration with Situation

AlpsMac1804's picture

I'm new here and it's my first time posting, like a lot of you it's been a long, hard process trying to figure out what is happening in my whole situation.  I'm not going to start from the beginning because I reckon we'll be here all day. 

My boyfriend and I have been together coming on 2 years and dated for 1. It was a long distance relationship at first and after a few visits between both he moved over to my country recently. 

Bio mum and kids moved to different country with their new stepdad and that fell through so they've gone back to their original country. 

My boyfriend is very involved with his kids with frequent phone calls and gifts as well as school applications and so on and this coming June he'll be going back to visit them for 3-4 months. The children will then be coming over to us for a few months for their holidays and obviously to spend time with their dad and obviously to bond more with me. I love his kids, they're great children, loads of energy and the normal tantrums and so on but I couldn't have asked for more accepting children. We've all really grown on eachother. 

My problems started with biomum, from the beginning I was being called a rebound, she hates me because I make him happy and thankfully because I was in a different country I didn't have to directly deal with it. We didn't spend time together when I was there and even if it was in passing shed ignore me so I was fine with the situation. 

She was always a little manipulative with certain situations but we got past that. 

Recently since she's moved back to her country after her and her new husband have broken up, I extended a hand and offered her a friendship which has been a really slow process so we talk occasionally when it comes to kids presents or organising gifts for my boyfriend from his children. It has made things super easy to deal with. 

The other week she mentioned in passing that she might come over with the kids one year which I'm happy to have her, I brushed it off and left it at that. 

My boyfriend was on the phone to his kids yesterday morning and I heard her say she'll be coming over for their first visit to us. As soon as he hung up I questioned it and he explained to me that she had already spoken to him about it and she was going to be coming with her mum. 

Now seeing how long my friendship with her has taken it's time I'm not exactly comfortable with this and it's made me frustrated because my boyfriend didn't even bother to mention it to me before saying yes. 

To say the least I'm pretty pissed off and like everyone I'm insecure. Personally I don't find it right to come over on the first visit and second I'm not happy that it'll be time spent all together. 

I've been so patient with these things obviously for the children, and multiple times I've bitten my tounge not to cause problems but I'm just genuinely so upset and disappointed that I've been overlooked and my feelings have been passed up. 

I don't know if the way I'm feeling is selfish or wether I'm acting like a child but I just wanted an outsider's perspective. 

Aunt Agatha's picture

Comes from making 'friends' with the BM.  They will manipulate situations and insert themselves inappropriately.

Your BF needs to put his foot down that now is not a good time unless she is planning on getting her own holiday place to stay.  Even then, he needs to be clear this is his time with the children.

If he doesn't do that, If he'd rather placate BM, you will have an impossible road to hoe.

tog redux's picture

Wait - she's not staying with you, is she? That's a hard no. Insist that they stay in a hotel and that BM not be part of his time with the kids. Boundaries are important here. 

AlpsMac1804's picture

Definitely not ! I've made this clear in past conversations, as we have talked about certain scenario's, but I was definitely not prepared for any of this to come up. Now I understand she is a free human being who makes her own choices but wouldn't you think well I'm not going to be present because it is their time, their bonding moment ? 

I have insisted these things but I fear situations will definitely arise and once again I shall be overlooked or or be assumed I'll be comfortable with it as it's "for the children"

 

Rags's picture

Ummmm His XW and her mum can get a hotel and stay the hell out of your house.  The Skids can of course stay with you and their dad.

The balls that XW has are massive and need to be deflated.  She needs to be put firmly in her place.

No more of this crap from your husband either. He discusses anything and everything with you before a decision is made. Or... the automatic result is a huge resounding NO!

smh