DS vs SS - constant drama
Hi everyone. I'm new to the site so bare with me if this is all something you've heard before and given the same advice 10000x. 
My fiance and I have recently moved in with each other. We each have a son who are both 9. They fight 90% of the time. I have another daughter at home who is 12 so I'm use to the sibling rivalry but this is nothing in comparison. The boys are polar opposites. My son is always wanting to play sports and be outside. My soon to be SS is more of an indoor kid. The boys fight over anything and everything. Even to the point that they complain about someone breathing to loud or looking at them wrong. Soon to be step son is constantly talking back and being a jerk to his dad and my son. My son is a jerk to him as well and constantly trying to throw him under the bus. Soon to be step son goes home to his mom and complains, and within 5 minutes of him leaving she's on the phone ripping my fiance's tail about every little thing. Fiance and his ex have 50/50 custody but his son is with us 75% of the time. My kids are with me 90% of the time because their dad lives out of town.
Unfortunately the boys share a room right now. We plan to move within the year. We are adjusting to living with each other first. They do have their own space to go to when they need to be alone though.
Any tips/advice on how to survive and referee this?
i HAVE an 8 year old daughter
i HAVE an 8 year old daughter and a 7 year old daughter and they do the "she's breathing too loud!!!!!!!!!" and "MOM!!! She doesn't want me to breathe!" My kids are full siblings and they do that
I'm going to sound really
I'm going to sound really mean.... but my honest opinion is that moving your children into a home where there isn't enough space for them and then expecting them to get along with their brand new siblings is selfish and poorly thought out.
There isn't room. Why would you move your children to a place where there wasn't room for them? Adjusting to a blended family is hard enough... but now expecting your son to share a room with his new "brother"? Come on, you HAD to know this was a terrible idea.
My fiance and I have recently
My fiance and I have recently moved in with each other. We each have a son who are both 9. They fight 90% of the time.
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I really have no advice because there is no way on gods green earth I would have moved my kid into this situation in the first place.
And NO...they are not brothers! They are two kids who dislike each other and have to share a room. This is not sibling related at all. And it will get worse before it gets better.
Guarantee....your DS will want to move with his dad in less than a year.
lucy - you can't "force"
lucy - you can't "force" people to bond.
THIS is why people need to consider all things, and not just their naughty bits, when contemplating living together (which I am not a fan of when kids are involved) and/or living together.
sure, kids need to learn how to get along - but it's not the same. Your co-workers are not in your face and in your space 24/7 like someone with whom you live.
Try to involve your kids in
Try to involve your kids in activities that will force them to bond. Just hope that a friendship will blossom naturally that way.
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Good greif! This is the most absurd thing I have read today. ANd yes...you did say FORCE them to bond.
And you should really get thicker skin if I offended you. lol. Good grief people get butthurt over some of the most crazy things. Should I have said ALMOST guarantee so you don’t get offended?
I never suggested she move out. Like I said, I can’t even put myself in her place because I would have NEVER moved in.
Lol..nope, not offended. And
Lol..nope, not offended. And I did not make any mean comments. It is a fact! I have seen kids (mainly boys!) move from Mom to Dads for reasons JUST like this and less. Just trying to let her see what she is in for if she does not get a handle on it.
"Try to involve your kids in
"Try to involve your kids in activities that will force them to bond."
Actually, yeah, you did say force them to bond....
I think it's probably pretty difficult to ignore someone with whom you share a room...especially when you are 9.
Your best friend fought with her sister - that is NOT the same as two random kids who don't like each other nor share ANY kind of biological bond.
C'mon, you'd love to share a
C'mon, you'd love to share a room with DD. :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
I adore both your sides.
I adore both your sides.
we're going to lock you and
we're going to lock you and BM in there and force you to bond. Surely after 2 or 3 months of forced closeness you'll be besties and wonder how you ever did without each other.
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Bahaha.
well, shit....I was really
well, shit....I was really looking forward to bonding with the beast that is Medusa.
Mmmmmm - tequila!! But you're
Mmmmmm - tequila!!
But you're the one who will need the bail money
"Kids need to learn to accept
"Kids need to learn to accept there are people they don't get along with and DEAL with it. Let them work it out and do not take sides."
That works great when dealing with a classmate or team mate. Once you leave school, the field, game...you no longer have to deal with that person. That isn't the case for these boys. They are pretty much oil and water. Home should be your safe zone. These boys should not be forced to live together because of the choices their parents are making.
I have a BS 18 and SS 18.
I have a BS 18 and SS 18. They are also total opposite! With everything from looks, to activities to ideas on life.
BS is an only child and SS has two younger brothers so we also had that issue to deal with.
SS was "gods gift" according to DH and BM. BS was an only child who had to learn to share his time and my attention.
For the first few years it was rough going. BM in the background running her mouth didn't help the situation.
BS got along well with the younger two SS's.
It got to the point that OSS stopped coming over, would have his friends TRY to bully BS at school (didn't work because I taught BS to stand up for himself)
and SS would pretend BS didn't exist. Luckily he was never physically mean to BS.
BS ended up hating SS too.
Fast forward a few years....they are both seniors at the same HS. OSS has started coming around again, has been very polite and cordial and
BS and SS even had to do a project together at school. They aren't best buddies and will never really go hang out together one on one but they can
now be in the same room, joke together and have conversations. This was not expected to ever happen a few years ago.
Kids who are not related and put together under one roof are going to have an ego battle. One will always want to be alpha dog.
Its human nature.
If it becomes physical, then the need to be separated and I would not force my child to live in that situation. But if they are just bickering and just really don't have anything in common, then it will one day settle down.
Ummm, well, thank you for all
Ummm, well, thank you for all your "advice".
I talked to my kids BEFORE they moved in and asked how they would feel. BOTH wanted it. Fiance did the same with his son. HE wanted it as well. Then we sat all 3 kids down together and talked about it AGAIN. Again, ALL 3 wanted it. The plan was to buy bigger the summer of 2017 but the way things are going, we are now shooting for this fall. Yes, the boys share a room. But they also have "hidey holes" as they call them to get away from each other. In order to buy a house, we needed to sell one home first, tie up those loose ends, and then sell my house before we can buy a bigger house.
As for my son running off to live with his dad... Thanks for those of you who insinuated that would happen...that isn't an option.
As for SS, he COULD live with his mom, or at least spend 1/2 the time there, but he ALWAYS wants to be with us. When he's at his mom's, he begs to come back to our house.
"They do have their own space
"They do have their own space to go to when they need to be alone though." - describe, please?
i was suddenly bunked w/ a new step-sis - and i do mean suddenly, as we had only actually met twice prior. we made it work cuz there was no other option, and our parents handed out consequences each and every single time it got out of hand. we felt more (healthy) fear of our parents than we felt anger with eachother.
but ya'll might be different types of parents, so i dont know.
there are ways of separating the bedroom all over the internet, from dividers to curtains to bookcases to block their view of eachother. white noise and headphones would also help block eachothers' noises.
i'm sorry i do agree with many others that you jumped the gun on this one, but it is what it is. your dh should not tolerate crappy attitude from his kid towards your son, and you should not tolerate crappy behavior from your kid towards his, and do everything you can to put some semblance of space between them.
Damn, really? Thanks for the
Damn, really? Thanks for the kick while I'm down. I was just seeking tips and advice. Maybe I came to the wrong place.
why would you let kids decide
why would you let kids decide something like this???
I mean, they would eat ice cream and stay up all night, too, but you know that's a bad idea, right??
And it is always the same
And it is always the same people Never a dull moment.....
I will never understand this
I will never understand this idea of giving kids that kind of power.
I'm sure the answer would be no if the kids said they wanted cake and ice cream for dinner each night. If these boys do not get along and are total opposites, the adults should have had the foresight to see what was coming down the pipe.
Now BM is the bad guy for giving dad hell about the impact his choice is having on their child.
It's not that we don't
It's not that we don't tolerate the crappy behavior. For the most part, we try and let them work out their own differences.
Also, the kids have known each other for a year and before we moved in together (which has been less than a month), got along most of the time.
okay, but now they don't.
okay, but now they don't. And the situation has changed. You can put up with a jerk when you're not living with them 24/7.
Now the boys have issues. And, apparently, very little space in which to get away from each other.
We are telling you why it's happening, but you would rather sulk and tell us we are bad friends than listen to what we are saying. Many of us have been right where you are.
When you have young kids, you sometimes have to put their needs ahead of your desire to get some on a regular basis. You. Just. Do.
Don't sweat the nasty
Don't sweat the nasty posters. They get their jollies off of offending newbies.
Yes, all our kids were up for the joint venture of moving in a marriage too. Reality has a funny way of smacking us all in the face.
As long as their is no physical violence and it is just kids picking at each other don't sweat it.
Kids need to learn to adapt and to get along with different types of people.
One thing I did do that seemed to help was discipline evenly.
I didn't favor my BS over the SS's when it came to being in trouble.
If I felt like my BS started an argument, he was punished. If the SS's started it, they were punished.
Sometimes they were ALL punished.
One time in particular involved the kids eating snacks and leaving trash in the basement. That was a hard and fast rule for all of them
I knew it was MSS who was doing it but he nor none of the kids would fess up. Since they decided to all band together and not fess up, I made them ALL (even BS)
get up and clean the basement at 7 am on a Saturday. I told them if they didn't want to tell on whoever did it, that was fine. I expected them all to clean it up.
AND the next time they saw the guilty person eating and leaving trash in the basement, they would make sure he didn't do it again.
Worked like a charm...it never happened again. I knew BS didn't do it, but I had to include him in the punishment to prove a point.
Had I let him sleep, the only lesson they would have learned was that I was picking on the SS's.
"Well, hopefully your and
"Well, hopefully your and other posters kids never have to share a room in college. Can you imagine two strangers sharing a room? How crazy."
College students who do not get along with their roommates have the option of moving to another room/dorm, staying with friends or moving off campus.
Adults have options. Kids are pretty much stuck with the choices their parents make.
Ditto. My youngest had a
Ditto. My youngest had a roommate her freshman year, who moved out over Christmas break. They had a lot of common interests & same classes, but very different personalities. It was too much togetherness. They became better friends when they weren't together all the time.
At nine, there is little choice - you do what the parents say.
I'm not sure what common activity would work for two such different kids. Since only one is into sports, signing them up for the same team isn't going to turn out well. Kid1 is likely athletic and will have friends on the team, know the sport, etc. Kid2 sounds not so athletic, probably won't have friends on the team and will be starting out. So it would have to be a totally different bond-forming group activity.
Perhaps a better plan would be to get each into their own activities, giving them time away from one another. Or consider Scouts? Separate the bedroom to give them their own space (apart from the hidey holes) to unwind in at night. Try to provide "team building" on weekends.
Good luck.
I absolutely did not say that
I absolutely did not say that a biological bond makes it OK for two people who hate each other to share a room.
I have no idea how you got that from what I actually typed.
Reading-it's fundamental
My suggestion would be to not
My suggestion would be to not live together for a year when you two have purchased a home that accommodates everyone. You say the plan is a year away, that's not a very long time to wait and keep the peace and not have folks feeling displaced.
The biggest mistake was
The biggest mistake was moving everybody into one already established household. Whether it was his house or yours, to one of the boys it was 'home'. You and your BF took that away. From both boys.
Should have started out on new equal footing. Even if that mean renting a house together and leasing both the previous houses out until sold and ready to buy together.
One kid feels invaded upon. The other kid feels he's lost his sense of 'home' and security. It was bound to happen no matter how much both kids agreed to the arrangement upfront. Their nine. They don't have the maturity and experience acknowledge to really know what they're signing on for.
Having pockets for privacy aka 'their own space', is not enough. If for no other reason than one of these boys use to have this whole house. That kid is going to be resentful. The other kid is going to feel jealous and the outsider. They didn't come into this as equals. The little girl isn't having the same issues because it's basically all 'normal' for her.
By reading your moving up the new home purchase thing to this fall, I see that as a huge step in the right direction. But yeah, prepare for the summer from h*ll while all the kids are out of school this summer.
Respect the differences between the two boys on their individual likes and personalities. One likes outdoors, one doesn't. That's ok. They don't have to share interest or activities. The only time they both have to participate in the same thing is family activities.
You make a good point about
You make a good point about the established house. I didn't even think of it.
DH and I have been talking about an "our" house that we pick together. I know it must feel awkward for him living here in the home first DH and I picked together. I make a conscientious effort to have him make it his. If he wants to change the landscape, replace that furniture, change this space- I say absolutely, go for it.
There is a general consensus
There is a general consensus on this site that step-parents are under no obligation to love or take care of their step-kids as the kids have their own parents.
Shouldn't this also extend to the kids? Why should "blended" kids have to treat each other like siblings? Why should they be expected to get along like siblings? They are not siblings, they are kids who live together because their parents are in a relationship.
Thank you. I actually have an
Thank you. I actually have an appointment for us next week with a family therapist that specializes in blended families.