Controlling MIL.
I have been married to my husband for two years. I have two children from my previous marriage, and he has one child from a previous relationship. He has full custody and has since she was a toddler. Her mother isn't totally absent, but not too involved. Because he was a single father for so long, his parents helped a lot out of necessity. His mother was his daughter's primary mother-figure. I get it. I know my stepdaughter and I get along well, and our kids all get along well. This wasn't always the case. Like most stepfamilies, we got off to a very rough start. I've always felt like my MIL has not wanted me to have any part in caring for my stepdaughter. Like I said, SD lived with us, but if there is a practice, MIL takes her. Even when SD asks me to, MIL always heads it off and makes up some reason why she needs to take her or pick her up. This morning, I woke up to a text from MIL while DH was at work, telling me I need to stop doing SD's laundry. She said that THEY do her laundry (SD and MIL) at MIL's house, so I need to stop. She comes in our house to get it and drop it off sometimes while we are at work. I've seen her do it when she thought nobody was here. I sent her a long message, kind, but explaining how I feel. Basically, I try so hard to do for her what I do for my own, and I detailed all the ways I try to establish a relationship with SD, not to take anyone's place, but to at least have some kind of caregiver relationship. SD and I get along fine, the kids all get along now, etc. I'm still not allowed to do ANYTHING for her. I'm not allowed to take her to school, and it's right across the street from where I work. If it's a weekend, or the kids are off, MIL calls her to come eat at her house EVERY DAY for lunch. Anyway, I told MIL just how I feel like I'm not good enough for them and how hard a try and how much better the kids all get along and how much fun we have and how I feel I deserve a chance. I told her it really hurts when as a mom, you're not allowed to take care of a child in your own home. I'm not as organized as her and done do things as perfectly, and I even told her I recently was diagnosed with severe ADHD and medicine had made a huge difference. She said, "I'm just trying to teach her responsibility. Not about you. Glad you are feeling better."
AM I crazy for feeling rejected and being upset?
Where is your H in all this?
Where is your H in all this? Why hasn't he drawn boundaries with his mom that relegate her to her appropriate place? She's a GRANDMOTHER, not the mom. Why is she allowed to come and go freely into your home??
You should not have to sort things with HIS mother; that's your H's responsibility.
Yours is the second post in one day from women who've made the mistake of becoming involved with men who've abdicated their parenting to their parent(s). Your H, his kid, and his parents lack boundaries but managed to rub along until he changed the status quo by remarrying. This created a new family unit - but apparently your H hasn't stepped up as a parent and there wasn't communication about transitioning the grandparents back into a more traditional role. His mom is used to running the show and doing the parenting; she likely sees you as a usurper and a threat. Things are screwy because they've been screwy for a long time and that's their norm.
This is a situation that desperately needs boundaries. Your H took the easy way by allowing his mom to become his daughter's primary parent; he's made a big mess, and has a lot of deferred work to do.
The two of you need to come up with a parenting plan and schedule that doesn't require help from his mom. You should be functioning as a family unit of three, with him doing the bulk of the parenting and you supporting him. He needs to sit down with his mom, thank her for all of her help when he needed it, and firmly tell her she needs to step back to make space for the three of you to gel as a unit. No more interfering, no more entering your home without permission, no more disrespecting his wife. He MUST be the one to handle his mother, and he needs to make it clear that this is HIS decision, otherwise you'll be made the scapegoat. He has to get her on board with allowing him to parent fully, and be prepared to put her in time out of she tries to stomp boundaries.
Your MIL will likely push back and test boundaries. Even healthy change is hard, boundaries chafe, and she'll miss being the one in charge and seeing her granddaughter. But this is what's best for your SD, your H, and your new family unit. Grandparents aren't supposed to be the meat, they're supposed to be the dessert. Once your little family is functioning smoothly, you can start having the grandparents over for dinner and weekend visits - You know, the normal stuff.
Yes, all of this. Your DH
Yes, all of this. Your DH needs to say, "Mom, we really value your role in SD's life as her grandmother, and I appreciate all the help you've given me. But now that I'm married and have help from SM, I don't need your help with so many things anymore. So we will take over laundry, taking SD to school (etc, etc). We'd love for you and SD to spend time together on a regular basis, though, so let me know what works for you," and then keep setting boundaries as needed.
You should not be the one telling MIL to back off, or having to defend yourself. Your DH needs to stand up to his mother, but I'm guessing, like the other poster exjulie mentioned, your DH is a Mama's Boy who doesn't set boundaries well with his mother. In that case, I'd tell them to have at it, and not do anything for SD other than play with her as I see fit. MIL and DH can do the rest.
You do realize that the
You do realize that the problem is not your MIL, or you, right? It is your apron string hanging non man of a DH. He needs to cut the umbilical cord with his mommy and man up.
Time to cut his mommy off from being mommy for his kid and focus on being an actual father, a husband, and focus on making a true equity life partnership with his wife.
You should accept nothing less.
IMHO of course.
smh
Unpopular Opinion Maybe
Your DH set you and MIL up as rivals by abdicating so much responsibility to her in the first place. You say he "needed" help, but in reality, he didn't need as much as he got.
There are lots of parents who do it on their own, or mostly. Wake up, get kid ready, bring to daycare. Go to work. Pick up from daycare on way home. Do homework. Maybe extracurricular. Supper. One load laundry every other day or you get really behind. All other chores on weekend. I have had 50/50 custody with my ex for most of 10 years, but there were some long stretches (once a full year) where he didn't have them and i did the above. Many parents do, and i would venture to say most are women. That may be sexist but it sounds like single dads get a lot more passes and a lot more people jump up to help.
Now, you are married. You can help a lot, but i don't think you should get stuck doing everything MIL did, either. From your bio, SD is 12. Maybe now is a good time to get her and any other kids in the home her age or older doing their own laundry. Dropping off to school sounds easy enough for you, since it's so close to your work. Your DH could probably pick up some childcare, too. Think about it. But, MIL needs to butt out. It will be hard for her, and probably, in a way, seem unfair to her. But she never should have done all she did in the first place.
Where is your frickin' mama's
Where is your frickin' mama's boy husband in all of this? You don't even mention his position. I guess he is okay with his mother coming and going at will and telling his wife what is what?
I don't agree that your MIL is not part of the probelm (she is), but your husband is also part of the problem and should be setting her straight.
Your MIL doesn't live with you, so I fail to see how she can dictate what you do or don't do for your SD in your own home.
This morning, I woke up to a text from MIL while DH was at work, telling me I need to stop doing SD's laundry.
I'm afraid my mouth would really be working overtime in this whole situation. Which is proabably why my husband calls me "Mouth".
Speak up, girl. Speak up, or completely disengage from your SD and let DH and his Mommy take care of everything. And change your locks.
Absolutely this.