Can't put potential-spouse before Child
Hi,
This is my first post here. This board has kept me feeling sane many-times over the past year.
I am not (yet) a step-father -- however, that is where my serious relationship is being pushed. We have been together one year. We tried living together for the first 6 months or so but it was a horrible experience because the two children (her son and mine) mixed like oil and water.
My GF is pretty black and white: A serious relationship means we move in together with the intention of getting married one day. We live our lives around each other. We become those sweet old couples whom never have a life outside of each other except for when one is busy, or something along those lines.
I live in the gray area. I absolutely love her. She is the reason I smile and she can be the reason I want to put my head through the wall 
I don't feel the need to live together. We live right down the street from each other. I love spending time with her but would much rather make it quality over quantity. To her, this is "just dating" -- which, in short, means it's hypothetically okay for her to date other people as well. Obviously, things have gone down a bad path to reach this point.
The reason I can't live with her is 80% the children. Short story, I love my son more than anything in the world; I've raised him with sole custody since he was a 1 year old and I was a young 20-something without a clue in the world on how to raise kids. I've molded him into this sweet little boy, who is not perfect by any means, and I still have a lot more work in the future to do. Her son and my son clash. It's so stressful I literally started balding within the past year, haha.
Worse yet, I, for whatever reason, absolutely cannot tolerate her son -- I don't know if it's because our personalities are so different, if it's because I sub-consciously feel like I will betray my son, or what. Regardless, as soon as I hear the door open or his voice, I'm ready to go hide in a dark room and go to sleep or something. It's very, very stressful as you can probably imagine. I'm trying to get over this and maybe it will get better with time?
So after doing reading, and listening to my GF lecture me many-o-nights, I've come to the conclusion that society says we should put our significant other before our child. Additionally, we should treat our children equally and ideally treat our significant others' child as our own.
Unfortunately, I don't love this kid. Heck, I don't even like this kid many times. I do love her. Is our love strong enough to help me tolerate and appreciate him? We recently broke up for a bit so I'm not sure it is. The situation is much more complex than this but I'm trying to keep it simple.
I guess my overall question is: If I can't put my significant-other before my child by blending our families, and she sees no compromise, are we doomed? Do I just give up, push her away as hard as possible, and try to move on with life?
OMG, you're the male version
OMG, you're the male version of me! LOL
I raised my son alone and refused to live with anyone while he was a minor. I raised him the way I wanted to. Our home was peaceful and stress free. I was not willing to change our rules and routines to make a man happy.
I dated, but living together and having a say how my home ran was out of the question.
As long as you're honest about your feelings about this from the start, then you are not doing anything wrong.
OMG..you have only been
OMG..you have only been together 1 YEAR!!!
Wayyyy too quick especially seeing you BOTH have the responsibility of a child.
Slllloooooooowwww down and take your time enjoying the relationship. It sounds like your SO is insecure and she needs to lighten up and stop hurrying the commitment.
We are at 5 years this year and have only JUST moved in together because of all his baggage and shit he had to deal with. His kids had a hard time with his ex wife (their mother) and he was the only thing in their lives that they could depend on.
I felt like that too (like what your SO was feeling and how you are feeling about her kid) so slow down and start talking about it together. Validate the fact she feels like a commitment (living together) is important to her but while you two have responsibility to your OWN kids (Im gathering they are young) who in their right mind would ALLOW oil and water to mix? Its not fair to the kids let alone her own kid????
She is going way too fast and to me is a red flag. Watch she dosent "get pregnant" accidentally....just saying.
Sorry, but I don't think your
Sorry, but I don't think your relationship is going to last . There are times when your kid needs you the most but there will be times when your spouse must also be a priority; I'm not really sure if you are ready for that.
As I stated before, in another blog, everyone should live as they see fit, but if your relationship is at this point now, it won't get better. You see things in a very different light and, to make matters worse, your SO is apparently hard to live with. My advise is, honestly: move on.
My take is a bit different.
My take is a bit different. My sirens started wailing when I saw you two had very different values on a major issue. That is she has a desire and a boundary that she wants to be married. You don't even "feel the need to live together." This is a huge conflict of life paths.
To me there is absolutely nothing wrong with her having that boundary: I don't date to pass the time, I'm looking for my forever partner. Not a damn thing wrong with that.
But you not only don't even feel the need to live together, you don't feel the need to live with HER. A specific person does not excite so much love and connection in you that you can't wait to join lives and face life together.
In my opinion, you two do not have what it takes to take on marriage let alone stephell -- you will each be a stepparent so stephell all around. Which is Ultra Extreme Hell for a guy who feels roped into it and a girl who feels she had to use a rope.
FWIW, my dh had to hold himself back from proposing until he reached the 8 month mark. I was good and ready to say yes when he did. My niece, 34, just got engaged at about the 11 month mark even though they both lost their jobs during the time they were dating, her about 2 months in, him right before he proposed. They wanted to face life together.
If you don't feel like this about the girl, let go. Set her free to find her forever partner. You work on noticing the next gal's mothering style (if she has children) before you get too attached to her.
For me, it isn't about the oil and water or you not liking her kid. For me it is that you two have fundamentally different visions of the perfect or even the "good enough" life. If it were a Venn Diagram you would see the circles do not overlap in a critical area. No one's right or wrong. Just the Venn don't lie.
Kudos to the GF. I absolutely
Kudos to the GF. I absolutely agree with her ideals; I wish far more women today would have that kind of confidence and fortitude.
You want to have your cake & eat it too. You absolutely have the right to decide if and when you want to be in a serious committed relationship with her or anyone else. In turn, if you don't want to make the commitment to a "serious relationship" - she has the right to see other people. Good for her for sticking to her relationship boundaries & not giving you the have and eat cake option.
You need to decide what is most important to you.
I see it as being different
I see it as being different in that its not all smooth clear sailing in blended family situations and it takes time to get over the hurdles and barriers and when you have your own house, its easier to address issues without ever feeling trapped.
Well thats my take in it because if we had of married earlier on (we still arent married and its going on 5 years) we would be divorced.
Thats just what works for us and I was exactly like the gf in this sceario...I had to 'wait" for my SO to catch up as his kids were younger and mine were all grown up and off my hands. He also had to battle external issues in dealing with a crazy exw and a court case. Now its finally over....ITS NOW OUR TURN!!!
Ditzy nailed it. Marriage is
Ditzy nailed it. Marriage is the only priority, kids are the primary responsibility.
If you cannot effectively put your bride and the marriage first, above any children in the home regardless of kid biology, then do yourself and her a favor and move on. There is nothing wrong with choosing to move on if the relationship is not working out. You and SO have differing priorities and different ways of parenting. I believe that the adults set the behavioral rules for the home and hold the kids, regardless of kid biology, accountable for complying with those rules. If you are a grey area kind of person and she is a cut and dry black and white kind of person and neither of you will compromise then the relationship view may not be worth the climb. If the two of you cannot agree and partner as equity parents to any children in your marital home then I would counsel you to cut your losses now before the lives of you, your SO, and the boys are so intertwined that ending it would be traumatic.
IMHO of course.
Take care of yourself.
This is an excellent point to
This is an excellent point to consider as you go forward in your life, op. Imagine if your ideal woman and you were, in fact, the parents of not only the son you have but of one or two others. How would you conduct your marriage? your family life? What would your relationship with each child look like?
If you do want a woman partner at some point, whether it's current gf or not, consider making the relationship you have with your child to look like that NOW. It's where he belongs for is own development and best interests.
From the original post, I got the idea it was the girlfriend who was the Disney parent not him. But it's worth examining your own parenting style. Will your child adjust easily to some new woman who may also have an "adorable" young child? Or will he go into combat survival mode because you doing anything but paying him 100% attention 100% of the time will seem like the end of the world to him? Are you making your child resilient and eager to meet new things in life? Or is he so insulated in his giant bubble of daddy's love and protection that anything outside that bubble seems fearful and hostile to him?
Just some things to think about while you're in this introspective place.
No comment from the OP? Im
No comment from the OP?
Im curious to hear from you as theres been a mixed bag of reactions....what are your thoughts?
Yep, me too!
Yep, me too!