AM I BEING UNREALISTIC
My husband and I have been married for 6 years, and we have his son age 15 who lives with us full time and also our own son aged 4 and our daughter aged 2. When I met my husband he was out of work looking after his son who at the time was only 6, taking him to school and generally being a lone parent. When we married he returned to work for a period of 6 weeks to a temporary job but has never worked since.
He promised to do so when I had our first child and never bothered, and also promised to do the same when our daughter was born and again let me down. I have therefore had to return to full time work after the birth of our children in order to provide for the family - my SS included as he's with us apart from Saturdays. His ex has never provided any form of payment to us for his keep and my husband has never bothered to pursue it - preferring not to rock the boat and my job pays okay so it's never been a necessity but I still feel used.
When I returned to work after having our first child I wanted to go back part time but financially we couldn't cope and as he couldn't be bothered to get a job I increased and increased my hours until I was working full time - I am devestated - I love my children so much and never wanted to be a full time working mum but my husband just cannot seem to get a job or wants to. He did get one last summer but after 2 days said he didn't like it and left - after I'd gone and put our children into full time nursery and got it pretty much paid for and spent time settling them in in advance of him starting. I felt so let down.
I work from home most days and I get up with the kids every single day, make breakfast for all 3, take my own son to nursery and collect him at 11.30am again as my husband cannot even seem to be bothered to get up and take him - it's about a 20 minute walk there and 20 minutes back.
I feel so angry at him as he used to walk his son to school every day when they lived alone when we first met - if he could make that effort for him then why can't he do it for our son - does he not love him as much???
His son is nearly 16 and I know he wants to go to university in the next few years and I personally don't feel that my earnings should have to fund it. I feel that the financial contribution I make to my household and the sacrifices I'm making in time spent with our children should not then be used to benefit his sons higher education at the expense of things our children may need.
This situation has really led to me resenting my stepson in our household - I feel like I fund his whole life yet I never chose to have him and my husband doesn't seem to appreciate that I might feel that way. I just know when the discussion about him going to university comes up I'll be made to feel terrible for refusing to contribute but I feel I've done my bit and I shouldn't have to go on handing out all the time.
Has anyone else had a similar situation and how did you handle it?
I think
SS 16 should show his father how to get a part time job and save for his own schooling!
Guess DH just does not want to work! YIKES
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
DH needs a job and get CS now
It seems to me that you are really doing your best for your family, the problem is that your husband isnt.
I can understand your building resentment for your SS but remember that he is not the problem Your DH needs a job and BM needs to contribute for CS. ASAP. I would even go after her for back CS...
I would be flipping out if I was in your situation, but my anger would be towards DH. You are working your butt off and missing out on you children when he is not working..
SS is 16 and it is really great that he is looking at University and wants to continue his education. Maybe he sees what his father is like and wants to go in the opposite direction. I would encourage him, but make if very clear to him that he will need scholarships and financial aide, that you do not have the money. I wouldnt discourage him or tell him "well Im not paying for it" I would make it clear that you do not have funds for this and to look at all his options. Their are many options for students today
I would refocus on your DH ..the party is over...get a job get cs ..
Honestly none of this is SS's fault
It's your husbands. It's probably easier to blame SS than the man that fathered your other two children, but it's also not fair. How is it that this has gone on so long without you absolutely exploding over it? Many women do find themselves in a situation like this, but only after their husband is seriously injured. I don't understand how it got to this point for you in your marriage, but it's a very bad place. You have every right to sit down and say to him "this is not the life I signed on for. I want to be a part of my children's lives, and working full time is not what I wanted to do. I want to work part time to be there to enjoy their childhood, and financially that means you must get a job and contribute to this family too. Last summer when you quit, you let me down so much. I don't like missing out on the time with my family any more than you liked that job, but I do it, because financially we need it. I expect and deserve the same from you. I don't want you to do something you don't like, but find another job while still working the one you don't like until it works out, to put food on our family's table.
Unfortunately this is really a no win situation, b/c with his son expecting money for college, even if your husband DOES get a job, there's no win because he's going to think giving money to his son is perfectly fine since it's HIS money, meanwhile you're going to be right back where you are, paying all the bills.
I'm so sorry you found yourself in this horrible place. All I can say is deal with it now, he needs to understand the ramifications of his choices on your marriage...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
Agree With BorBor
There is no reason the Bm cannot assist financially in the upbringing of her child. The same goes for your husband. Most men take pride in providing for their familes. Could it be that he is suffering from depression or some sort of mental health issue? It is possible that he has lost the motivation for life that he once had if you say that he no longer does the things that he use to. Dont be someone for your husband to walk all over. Insist that he contributes to your family financially and emotionally.
skid/BD sibling rivalry
I know sibling rivalry is common but I'm clueless. My 13yo BD and soon-to-be 7yo "SD" don't get along. There seems to be some underlying competition and I don't know how to deal with it. I have higher expectations of my dtr dealing with her SS because she's 13 but I want to be realistic with her feelings. SD's BD committed suicide 5 years ago so her new SD will be having big shoes to fill. SD is sweet but good at manipulation. Future husband is totally supportive but is clueless too. Anyone have any advice on how to get the kids to quit competing and "get along?"