Am I being selfish? Bedroom issues
We have a 4 bedroom house that we bought 2 months ago. I have no other children and SD7 SS10. My husband's children stay with us 1-2 weekends a month as we live 2 hours away from there bio mom who has full custody. So during school months it's only 1-2 weekends a month. In the summer we have them more often and they stay longer period at a time 5-7 days. Right now both children share a room, it is a big room they have their own bed, dresser and share a closet. Before we moved we were renting a 2 bedroom townhouse so they also shared a room, my husband has an office for work and general him time. One bedroom is ours and the children share. The issue lies in that my husband and I are trying for an ours baby and I want to have the extra bedroom in the house as a nursery. My husband wants SS and SD to have their own bedrooms. And they when we have an the ours baby the baby would share a room with SD7 once the baby is old enough to no longer be in our room. My issues are that I won't have a designated space for the baby and the babies things while I'm home on maternity leave and then when the baby is old enough to be sleeping in its own room (6mo) the sleep schedule of the baby will differ of SD7. Also her things that she owns are not safe /age appropriate of the baby. I want this figured out before I am pregnant and we start moving bedrooms around.... Basically I wanna know If I'm being selfish for thinking that a child that lives with us full time should have it's own bedroom over children that are with us part time? Thanks for all input
Husband gives up office for
Husband gives up office for "work and general him time." Opposite gender kids don't need to share, a baby there 100% of the time needs his/her own room, and a preteen doesn't need to share with a baby, because if you aren't pregnant yet, SD will prob be at least 8 when baby comes. Your husband made all these kids. He doesn't get a bedroom with you plus his own other room. If he works from home maybe he can convert the garage or build an addition, or work in one of the skids' rooms since they are so rarely there anyway. ETA if his big deal is each of his kids gets their own room, why would he be ok with a baby and an older child sharing? They will all be his kids.
Thank you
Thank you for the reply , we have a garage but it's old not heated (we live in Canada) and no hydro and taking on a major Reno right now after just purchasing our house is just not in the budget, I do however think putting SS / husband's office in the biggest room is a good idea , especially SS likes to use husband's computer sometimes when he is here.
You beat me to it, Rumple
This is exactly what I was going to say!
I think the skids being
I think the skids being opposite sex are going to be due shortly to need separate rooms. By 11 or 12.. it's pretty much not a great idea for them to be forced to share. Now.. that they only need the rooms a small space of time.. it sounds like a perfect opportunity for your DH to share one of the bedrooms with one of his kid. It can be his office space and one of the kids can also have it as their room to use when they visit. Whether the older or younger kid will work better for that. .his choice.
As an aside.. do you also have a garage or shed that he might be able to purpose into an office or mancave?
If you have a baby.. that baby will be full time and will need it's own room. Sure, it "could" share with his younger daughter.. but honestly.. not a great option.. there is a really big age difference.. do you trust her to be mature enough to be ok with it? A small child gets into EVERYTHING.. and just when your YSD starts preteening.. your baby will be breaking her things.. messing up her stuff.
The good thing is that the kids are sharing now.. so anything they get is an improvement right? So, it's not like you are taking a room AWAY from them.
I would say that it is better to try the option where your husband shares with one of the kids..
Logistically.. you sharing your baby space with his daughter.. nursing.. changing diapers.. up all hours of night with an infant.. that is not actually all that fair to push that on his 7 yo.
I agree
I agree and these are all things I was concerned about. I don't think it's fair to any of the children to have to share their space either or feel their space is being invaded by an infant. Thanks for reply
There is nothing to figure out.
No!
End of discussion.
If further comment is required to get the message through DH's thick skull....
Your failed family progeny do not each get their own room. They are visitors, they do not live here.
Full timers get priority regarding rooms. Visitors use a guest room.
End of discussion.
If daddy wants his failed family progeny to each have their own room, he can give up his office/him space.
KISS. Keep It Stupid Simple. Since your DH is clearly.... stupid.
Be wary of polluting your gene pool with this guy. He will be a no better parent to an ours baby than he is to his failed family progeny.
Take care of you.
Watch your mouth.
I'd like to keep this a safe space I know I've put my self out there and I'm open to constructive suggestions but bashing my husband based off a little blurb I've put online over a disagreement we had is not nessicary. I got into my relationship with my husband full knowing that he has two children that he loves and is very much involved in their life even if they don't live with him full time. Part of the reason why I love my husband is because he is such a great dad and would do anything for his kids. This disagreement that we are having is one small thing out of the a million great things in our marriage and our home. I decided to post on this forum because I know there's a lot of step parents out there that might have been in the same situation before whereas we have not so I've reached out. I have no friends in my life that are in the same situation as me or my husband. The slander is just not necessary.
Rags.. you know I am a friend
Rags.. you know I am a friend of yours.. BUT.. I do take some exception with labeling stepkids as visitors.. they are her husband's children and while they don't live there full time. when they do live there.. it is their home.
Obviously in a situation where kids are not in the home full time.. they don't necessarily rank full time residents being cramped up. But, in this case.. it seems like there are options that allow the stepkids to have a room.. allow a new baby to have a room and not really put anyone out very much. Since they aren't there as much.. dad sharing with a child shouldn't be an overly large imposition.
Just because kids were the result of a relationship that didn't survive doesn't brand them as "failures".. sure.. they can have their share.. and cause their share of issues.. even in great situations.. but they are fully their dad's kids.. even if they aren't in the home full time. If this was a case where there were only three rooms in the home.. I do think the baby would be getting one of them.. and the skids would have to share.. and perhaps in the larger room for the two of them.. with some separation to give them their own space.
I think the best traction that OP is going to get and the best arguments will be those that show how her solution is a better one for the kids themselves. No older child (like the younger will be at least 8).. should have to bunk in with a baby or toddler. It's not that compatible of a situation for the older child.. or the younger one. More difficult to baby proof the space with an older child. Older child doesn't have privacy and is interrupted by things happening with the younger. Mom won't be comfortable changing and breast feeding etc.. She can point out the legit reasons why it isn't the best solution.. while not making it a "well.. your kids aren't here very much" thing... except to point out to her husband who would be sharing with one of them that it shouldn't overly impact him since his kids are only there a handful of days a month.. and not much longer during the summer.
ESMOD, it is not the kids that are failures.
It is their family of origin that failed. If I indicated that the kids were failures, I miss spoke.
In the OPs housing situation, the clear option is that DH gives up his office/man space for one of his visitation schedule kids. IMHO of course.
Yes, the NCP's home is the SKid's home. Though they are visitors per the CO's visitation schedule.
We had a tussle with the SpermClan over SS floor sleeping while the Spermidiot's GF of the moment's kids got beds and bedrooms. One call ended that. SpermGrandHag provided the home rent free to the Spermidiot so when our lawyer called her about SS sleeping on the floor she door crashed her "rental" property and raged at the Spermidiot regarding SS sleeping on the floor.
This was not a slumber party thing, this was an all summer long plan. It was one of the few times we spoke with SS on any of his SpermLand visitations. I do not recall if he called us or if we called him. I think he called us due to his irritation at having to sleep on the floor.
No more floor sleeping for SS and that Spermidiot GF of the moment and her non joint children left. They were in and out for
Okay so here's the thing
Okay so here's the thing boomer. Their family did not fail. Our family is very much doing well. My husband and BM co-parent together extremely well. No animosity and we're actually friends. Not that this is anything that you deserve an explanation of, but keep bashing my skids and husband is where I draw a line. After breezing over your whole rant and situation in your life, an SS, it really sounds like you have a lot of feelings regarding your SS "spermidiot" that YOU were somehow put in an unfair situation. News flash you chose it! As did the rest of us step parents. My home life and experience is nothing like yours and thank God. I think you need to get over your bitterness and stop projecting.
Just to try to explain a
Just to try to explain a little.. in Rags case.. spermidiot is the father of his SS.. he is married to the mother. The "clan" he speaks of are pretty dysfunctional.
I do get where he comes from saying "failed family".. but I also feel like the kids should be considered on their own merit.. and just because their parent's relationship/marriage may have failed/not been sustainable.. that does not make them less worthy of being considered in the family. And.. I actually am not a total fan of highlighting the "failed family" issue.. because it confers to me the impression that THAT is the reason why the kids don't deserve XY or Z.. as if that taints their existance in some way.. and it shouldn't.
What may make them considered differently .. could be the fact that they are not full time residents. .they are part time residents.. which means if the chips are down.. the full time resident gets dibs on a room before the kids that are only there a handful of days a month... but fortunately, there is a pretty easy fix to your situation because you do have enough rooms to acomodate 3 kids and your DH can easily double his office into a kid room for the few days during the month.
If you do have two bios.. you may choose to keep your two smallest if they are close in age in the same room.. there ARE benefits from kids learning to share space.. comfort.. communication.. problem solving.. social skills.. all improved when kids share.. but at a certain point in age.. I think opposite sex kids do need their own private spaces. or if the age difference is more than 3 or 4 years...
Absolutely yep, to all of the above ESMOD.
My wording can definately be a bitter pill to swallow. I will take this new STalker as an example of tempering my wording based on the tenure of the OP.
Yes, the OPs not yet in existance kid(s) should have their own space. So should the SKids when they are in residence. The OP's home seems to be of sufficient size and has enough BRs to make that happen. If.. her DH will give up his Study/Man Cave. Though without any ours babies on the way, the topic is not yet relevant IMHO.
Future space for the visiting schedule SKids may be in the form of a guest room or a day bed in Dad's study as the OP and her DH add their own children to the blend.
Our situation was simple. My SS was on only in our family though he was the eldest of 4 for BioDad. My son was the one that was wedged in during SpermLand visitation.
In between the progeny of the Spermidiot's GF flavor of the moment.
Thanks for giving the OP some background and your usual great input.
He's trying to support your
He's trying to support your position (that your baby should have his or her own room), albiet in a strongly worded way.
Boomer? Yes I am. Though just barely. Thanks for the compliment.
A weak try at an insult though. You get an F for that effort.
Boomer is a badge of honor I wear proudly. One without the hurt fee fees you clearly wallow in.
You are right that I chose to be a SParent. Happily and proudly I might add. Yes I did choose to make a life of adventure and love for the ages with my incredible bride of approaching 31 years as together we raised a man of performance, character, honor, and standing in his life, career, and community since he was 2yo.
Unlike his three younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas that includes one on the dole, one who is a convicted felon serving a long prison sentence, and the youngest who is not far behind the inmate.
My situation as StepDad was not and never has been unfair at all. It has been triumphant. Something that I am quite proud of. Based on actual performance and not on fee fees. Of course.
As for your fee fees.
To answer your original question. Once you actually have an ours baby with your DH, you will not be selfish in demanding that TBD baby has their own room. Though until then, making it an issue makes no sense. IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Came back to add it's so
Came back to add it's so typical of a SM asking if she's selfish while Mr. Man has two (2!) rooms. I bet he's not asking anyone if HE's selfish. We're so afraid of being called the "S" word. I'm slowly learning to let that go.
Your DH can share his office with SS.
Get a folding bed that makes up to something. He can manage two weekends a month. Your bio baby needs his own room, he will.be using it 365 days a year
DH has two options.
DH has two options.
1. Give up his own office space and work elsewhere.
2. Add a futon/trundle bed and make it a flex room when SKs do visit.
IMO it's not worth rearranging entire bedrooms for a couple of sleepovers per month. Also, as SKs get older it is likely they won't be visiting as often. They may start doing camps, having sleepovers with friends, summer jobs, etc.
Babies have different needs. If your DH can't see this, I would reconsider having an ours baby honestly.
I’m confused your DH doesn’t
I’m confused your DH doesn’t want his children to have to share a room, but he is okay with an “ours” baby sharing a room? Unless he is willing to give up his office/personal space one of his children will always be sharing a room with the “ours” baby. If that room was your office/personal space, would you be willing to give it up so that each child had their own room? If you and DH end up having more than one child, then ultimately they will probably end up sharing a room as well.
Guilty dad
DH guilty of breaking up the first'''happy family'''. Now working on breaking up second ''happy family''