You are here

Very New - Am I Crazy?

practicallypoppins's picture

SO and I have been together for a year, living together for 6 months .. he has full custody of his 5 year old (future SS) and 3 year old (future SD), BM has visitation once a week for a few hours and every other Sat from 12-6 and it has been this way for the last 2.5 years. They were together for 10 years (never married) and I am the first/only person he's dated since. SO works full time and goes to school full time, so I actually spend more time with the kids than he does most times, with the help of his parents (who are amazing, Thank God), and again, Thank God, the kids are wonderful 99% of the time. I have no plans of/never wanted children of my own but have always loved children. I know my situation is probably a lot easier/different than most, as I have virtually no contact with the BM, and my SO from Day 1 has pretty much treated me as an equal partner in all of the decision making as far as the house and kids. The kids are very attached to me, especially future SS; one of the reasons I moved in so soon was because he had major separation anxiety and would freak out if I was there when he went to bed and not when he woke up.
Here's why I ask am I crazy .. everyone TELLS me I am! When SO and I started dating and people heard that I was dating a single dad, they told me I was nuts, going to get dragged down, never be first priority, end up with my heart broken, etc. I had two extremely close friends cut ties with me because they didn't agree with the decisions I was making, and they told me they thought I was just trying to "play house". One of them actually said to me "they will never be your kids, you know that right?" Even my own mother, who is great woman and loves the kids to death, will make comments occasionally like "what are you, just a free babysitter" if she calls and I am doing something with the kids while SO is at work/school.
So I ask, am I crazy? Things seem to be going so well, is the other shoe gonna drop and I'm going to get nailed here? Or should I just count my blessings?

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

We can't tell your future for you, we can only say, based on our experiences, it has rarely ended well to be the children's caretaker.

Some veterans, like Rags, have his happy ending, but for us here, it's not the norm. If you truly are okay with the situation as it is, then more power to you. I know of plenty real life situations where this has also worked out. But I can say, if you are questioning it... some time down the road, you may eventually not be okay with this.

Can you still stick it out if the kids one day turned around and hated you for no reason other than the fact that their mother told them they should? This is a very real possibility. And would you still risk this if, on that day, instead of protecting you, your husband took their side?

You have to ask yourself honestly about how well you know your SO and from there, figure out if it's worth it to stick it out.

practicallypoppins's picture

Haha yes, I should have mentioned that - I'm a teacher, and I own a condo (currently being rented out). I wouldn't say I've given up my independence, I still have girls nights and do my own thing with friends, I just have different priorities now I guess.

I guess I was asking here more for the sake of .. wondering if there are any happy endings to step parenting?

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I honestly don't know... I see my husband's cousin and how she and her husband and her ex and his wife are all best of friends and all the kids and grandkids love everyone and no one gets upset and they're just a big happy family and think, yeah, it can.

Then I look at the dysfunction that is my mother-in-law, the BM who has mental issues, and the toxicity that our other fellow steptalkers go through on a daily basis--even those who started out like you, with great skids and great intentions, now bitter and unhappy when the kids and their husbands turned against them, and think, this is more the norm.

I think more of the veterans who had stepkids who were originally good kids but "turned" after marriage can give you more of an insight to what a possibility COULD be, although by no means is it an absolute.

As seue pointed out... if you are asking already, do you feel like they have some validity in what they say?

practicallypoppins's picture

I think that should things go south in mine and SO's relationship, I stand to lose a lot, so the possibility of getting my heart broken is valid, but isn't that with any relationship? As for trying to play house, I think perhaps an outsider could see it that way, but considering I have my own house already I never saw it that way. I simply fell in love with a man who happened to have been dealt a hand that he was making the best of, and chose to attempt to be his partner in all of it. Perhaps it is my overwhelming optimism but I don't forsee it ever coming to a point where the BM poisons the kids minds, her visitation is/always has been supervised because of her illnesses/addictions, she actually has apparently told FSS that she is glad he has a real mama now (which bothers the heck out of me because I am the first person to remind them that they have one mom and one mom only and I am not that). Again, perhaps my eternal optimism! These forums can sure scare the heck out of a person by the way!

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Heard stories like yours too, where the BM seems okay at first and then turns around and goes coocoo, even with supervised as the US is remarkably pro mom. Only time will tell so it's not impossible. Speaking as someone who does not have any contact with her stepkid, but DO have a "son" who calls me "mom" because his own mother is a junkie and who was never there for him, I can say that if they love you of their own volition (not just love someone because they're kids and that's what they do) then you may have a chance.

All relationships are risks, in that you're absolutely correct, but as other posters have mentioned, do you know for sure if you are or aren't a convenience? If you did not take all this on to "help" him, would he still be as invested and happy with you? Do you know that securely and safely?

If not, then slow down until you know. If yes, then maybe you won the lotto.

Orange County Ca's picture

I'm reminded of my step-daughters best friend who dated a guy through high school, college and medical school. Four months later he married a nurse he just met.

True story.

Now its not exactly parallel to your situation because of the kids involved. You're taking a huge chance. Only God knows if this will turn out well and s/he isn't talking. Are you the one and only for him or just a cook, babysitter, chauffeur, maid and sex partner? You don't really know. Fortunately you have no children and are best advised to keep it that way until after this trial period is over and you've been married two years. Assuming you want any then.

Did you know that statistically couples who cohabitate are more likely to divorce after marriage than those that don't? You have to hope for the best and assume the worst. You're going to invest years of your life in this guy and his kids only to have him meet a nurse. If it turns out better than that you've won the Lotto. The odds maybe the same which is you're more likely to get hit by lightening.

I think it's in your best interest to propose marriage to him. If the answer is either no or some excuse about "later" then its time to ignore all your feelings, cold heartedly so, and move on. The odds are very high that you're just a convenience to him.

fuckitall's picture

If you're happy with your life, who's place is it to tell you that you're doing anything wrong?
I think you learned that a couple people you called friends weren't true friends.

Rags's picture

I am a step dad who has been married to a former 16&pregnant/single teen mom (not on the show though)for 20 years. I do not consider myself crazy for marrying an amazing young woman who had a 15mo old kid when we met.

I also do not feel that I won the SParent lottery either. My bride and I are partners. Neither of us would tolerate anything less in our marriage. We have busted ass to support our partnership, parent and raise our kid (my SS-22), thrive as individuals, professionals, and support each other as life partners.

Our success is no accident. It is the result of hard, consistent work. Our life together has been amazing but not without the pantheon of blended family drama that most people address in their relationships with partners with kids. We just filter the bullshit, destroy the viable threats together, stay focused on our marriage, focus on our lives together, focus on our kid's (the Skid) best interests, and making the best life we can together. A key factor is that we have never given a flying rats shit about the Sperm Clan, the non related Sperm Idiot spawn, or anything having to do with them. If they acted reasonably we worked with them, if they were toxic we destroyed them. It took several incidents of destruction for them to gain enough clarity to stay under their rock.

It is a pretty simple formula that takes commitment, team work, dedication, and zero tolerance for anything but reasonable behavior from the blended family opposition.

So absolutely, there can be a good outcome for blended family marriages. The key is making the marriage the unequivocal priority for both partners who both must be of unparalleled character. A prior poor decision regarding a prior mate is not a deal breaker IMHO. My XW and I married when we were both young. It was a first marriage for both of us and neither of us had children when we married .... or when we divorced for that matter. She went on to spawn 3 out of wedlock children by 2 different men, two more marriages. I went on to a 20 year and counting marriage. She got pregnant within weeks of moving out of our marital home, I took 4 years to reconnect with the Rags I like being, work through the grieving and recovery process, and launching on my post divorce life.

My amazing bride was a 16yo single teen mom who in spite of the worthless POS 23yo Sperm Idiot, his hyper controlling fringe Christian Cultist mother, and the high school administrators who wanted her to leave school to attend the pregnant girl GED program graduated with her HS class with honors, a dual major BS with honors, an MBA with honors, and has had a successful career as a CPA.

The Sperm Idiot went on to spawn 3 more also out of wedlock children by 2 more baby mamas, pawned his spawn off to his parents to raise and pay CS for, and who lives rent free in Sperm Grandhags and Sperm Grandpas rental property.

So, if your SO is a man of character then I say invest in the relationship and navigate the blended family adventure together. As others have said, keep your condo until you are confident that he is the right guy of character and as committed to prioritizing the relationship as you are.

Good luck.