Is this normal?
Starting to be live ive really lost myself. I constantly ask myself why am I here....why am I in this situation...whenever I feel like I dont matter the majority of the time. I sometimes feel like I dont exist. I think being in a situation like this has made me more and more depressed too. Im always holed up in "my room" sleeping and staying away from everything. When I say "situation" im referring to living with my bf for 3yrs/been together for 5, he has every other weekend custody of his 7yrold daughter and usually a few extra days a month as well, we also have a roommate who loves with us/his friend, and then there is his job......which is picking up gigs....basically free lance work. And recently he has decided to take a new gig offering which will have him traveling out of state every weekend now, leaving friday night coming back sunday night late. His only thought is how he will now change his schedule to see his kid on different days now.
On top of all the confusion, our lease is up in 2months. We were going to get a place together. But without a roommate living with us, bills will be a lot more steep....because he has to pay monthly child support, and he has a car payment of a recently bought brand new car. My bf doesnt seem to really care about marriage or having a family with me. I feel like a nag, a broken record when I bring it up to him. He only seems to care about himself and making a name for himself within his career choice.
Ive never been married and no kids. 30yrsold. Should I leave this situation? Am I wasting my life away? I feel so depressed in this complicated lifestyle that seems to have no future goals that are aligned with mine.
I feel like my only purpose
I feel like my only purpose to him over the years has been an Ego boost.
Wow ~ join a gym do something
Wow ~ join a gym do something for yourself.
It doesn't seem like he wants what you want. You want a future n he has done things for himself not you.
I feel like I would break,
I feel like I would break, and would need to get out of there.
Yes, you should leave and go
Yes, you should leave and go running! You deserve much more and life is too short. First, spend some time without a relationship at all. This may sound cliché but spend time with you and get to know you again! Then when you are ready for a relationship, you will be in a much better place. Don't settle for less than you deserve and don't let anyone let you think that you deserve crap.
Leave. Now. This part of what
Leave. Now.
This part of what you wrote:
"Starting to be live ive really lost myself. I constantly ask myself why am I here....why am I in this situation...whenever I feel like I dont matter the majority of the time. I sometimes feel like I dont exist. I think being in a situation like this has made me more and more depressed too."
This was EXACTLY me, when I was still with my husband and 2 skids, who were with us full time. I totally lost myself. I have no voice in that house - everything revolved around them and their needs. What I wanted didn't matter. We didn't even have date nights because his precious skids couldn't be left home alone - even though the older one was 15 - and my DH didn't care about my happiness or well-being and that made me feel even more depressed, insecure and nonexistent.
And then 7 months ago, I left. And WOW! I feel AMAZING!!! I'm back in control of my life and i'm appreciating and loving every minute! I filed for divorce 2 months ago and I can't tell you how liberating it is to be free of that jail! I was literally a prisoner in that house.
Please, for your own sanity, wellbeing and happiness - leave. The fact that your lease is nearly up is a sign! Leave and start living YOUR life! Meet someone who wants the same things as you...start living YOUR life YOUR way!