Looking for some advice...
Hello everyone. I decided to sign up to this website because I am in desperate need for some help. My boyfriend, Joe and I have been dating for two years now. I would say we are pretty serious and we have lived together for the last year. His daughter, Giana is 10 years old. He has sole custody of Giana. Up until about 2 months ago Giana would go to her mother's house every other weekend. Due to her mother's negligence she is not going to see her until things get settled through court. Giana is for the most part a pretty good girl. I have noticed that Joe tends to spoil her and he has admitted that he wants to give her everything because he was trying to make up for the pain her mother has caused her.
The first year of the relationship was great with giana! She was respectful towards me and we had a lot of fun together. Since we have moved into a new place things have went downhill...she is starting to be very disrespectful and starting to be jealous of me. She is starting to say things like "he's my daddy" "I had him first" "you will never marry my dad" " I want to be the only kid he has". I don't know what changed except for the fact I discipline her. My boyfriend works a lot so I am with giana more than he is..when she doesn't clean her room or makes a mess I tell her to please clean and she hates it. If she doesn't clean I will take her I pod or phone away and she gets so upset. Previous to me stepping in as the "mother" figure I would clean her room, do her laundry, all her chores. When I told my boyfriend I think giana needs to start doing chores he told me that would be a good idea and that I am part of the family so I could step in and tell her that.
She is doing things to make me upset on purpose and Joe is so oblivious to it that we have gotten in a few fights about it. Recently Joe told me that giana came to him balling her eyes out telling him I make her feel bad all the time and I break her down. Apparently she told him that she is not happy when I am home with them. She is also telling my boyfriend that when i am home alone i steal her things! My boyfriend told me that I have to "change the way to speak to her" because I make her so upset. I am not sure what to do. I see things that Joe does not. I understand that he loves his daughter but he doesn't want to admit when she is being bad...he never does anything about it...so that's why I feel like I should step in and when I do she starts crying and Joe yells at me for "making" her cry! What do I do!? I just want her to grow up to be a respectful young girl and teach her right from wrong but how can I? A friend told me to just stop disciplining her in general...After all she isn't my child. I just need some advice..Thank you all in advance!
Wow ..yes that makes a lot of
Wow ..yes that makes a lot of sense. Thank you so much!
Hi Stella I don't mean to
Hi Stella
I don't mean to sound rude or like an ass or anything, but you have zero rights or authority. You are her father's girlfriend, not her father's wife and her step-mother. You've put yourself in the position where the child will fight you by taking on responsibilities that did not belong to you and then go complain to her father about it.
I'll tell you this: If I had sole custody of my daughter and my "girlfriend" was having major issues with my daughter (and vise verse), I'd kick the girlfriend to the curb. There's no legal ramifications for that... you're not married.
The solution is that you need to take a MAJOR leap back and correct your behavior. Your only role here is to your boyfriend's girlfriend and a friendly person to his daughter.
You'd kick your girlfriend
You'd kick your girlfriend the curb, instead of disciplining your bratty kid? Wow.
Stella, ignore this post. Your role is to expect and demand respect from any child you're caring for. If your boyfriend expects you to care for his kid - then he needs to expect her to respect you and enforce it. If he agrees with chores and rules, he needs to enforce them and back you up. He's allowing her to step into the "mini-wife" role which is unhealthy and destructive.
It sounds as though he isn't parenting his kid at all and wants to be his daughter's friend. You should leave this relationship or disengage until the father steps up. However, she should be expected to respect you like any other adult. Period.
I completely agree. He has
I completely agree. He has told you that you are a part of the family and has asked you to take a role. Then pulled back because of her negative reaction. Somethings going to have to give, now or 7 years after your married. It will cause problems. If you have no authority now and his daughter doesn't respect you, that probably isn't going to change if the two of you get married. Explain to him how you feel as well. Tell him that you feel like your walking a thin line. You dont want to overstep your boundaries, but at at some point she going to have to listen to you and respect you as well. If you have to, have family discussions with him and her in the room. During that time explain to her that upsetting her isn't what you were trying to do, but that she is expected to pick up her toys, or clean her room, or etc.
And at the same time. This "bratty kid" is going through hard time too. Dont forget that. The move may have showed her that you and dad are serious. She may have loved the idea of another friend around until she believed that friend was getting more attention from dad. By all means, discipline her and don't accept lying, but also try to understand why she is feeling what she's feeling. My SD4 and I have a great relationship. But from time to time when me and DH hug in front of her she'll shove us apart and say that he's HER daddy and I'm HER mommy. And we can only hug her. She has dealt with some abandonment issues in the past and worries that she'll lose us to each other, as silly as that is. Maybe Giana is feeling a similar way.
Wow thank you! You've showed
Wow thank you! You've showed my some very good points.
I think she may have some abandonment issues as well. I know that her not being able to see her mom is bothering her. Maybe she thinks she has lost her mom and now she is losing her dad to me..and I do not by any means want her to feel that way :/
I am trying to give them some space. We pretty much do everything together so maybe some daddy daughter time could help.
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the reply. Yes I agree I wish he would back me up..now that I will not be enforcing any type of rules I will see if he steps up.
So if I had was married to
So if I had was married to him I would then have authority? I don't think marriage should define authority within a household but everyone has their own opinion.
Before I married my husband I
Before I married my husband I felt like I had "less authority" over his kid (she's 10 too). I think the married aspect makes it clear cut that the house is 50% yours... the life you have with Joe is 50% yours after marriage. Before marriage, you could just as well be room-mates as man/wife. It is a fact.
My husband and I had his daughter in our wedding when she was 7. Before marriage we made it clear that I had as much authority to dictate what happened in our home as my husband. If I told her to clean her room, it was the same as her mom or dad telling her (that pissed her BM off royally, but my husband stood by me).
Joe needs to decide what you are to him, and if a relationship with you is something special (not saying more than a father/daughter relationship, but something just as special: man/wife relationship).
Kids need boundaries and those boundaries need to be enforced by both parent figures. If Joe isn't willing to treat you as a wife and mother-figure, then SD sure isn't going to treat you with any respect either. Just a thought.
Follow the link below for a
Follow the link below for a more complete article on disengaging which is what you need to do.
Then consider leaving this situation and finding a guy without children so you can have a family without all of this. Basically the girl is acting normally. Not that all children act that way in this situation just that its not unusual. But it's going to get worse. Soon she's a pre-teen, then a teen, and things will literally get out of hand.
And you would be doing both of them a favor because with luck he won't get another girlfriend until his daughter is out of high school which is what I would recommend to him if here were here.
http://steptogether.org/help.html
Thank you. I will check out
Thank you. I will check out that link!
Yup you are right. If he does
Yup you are right. If he does not step up i don't know how much longer i could last..especially now the older she gets the worse her little games are. Thank you for the advice!
I agree. I'd tell him since
I agree. I'd tell him since he is the parent & he doesn't like your style - he needs to step up. Step back - let him do the parenting & take time for yourself. Let him deal with her without your assistance. You will be amazed how quickly he will see you side of things.
That is exactly what I am
That is exactly what I am going to do..hopefully he will see what I am talking about. Thank you for the advice!
I assume you and your BF have
I assume you and your BF have had a chat about your future and how you see that. If you are committed and she is living with you full time, then come to some arrangement about what the basics of discipline are, what things are expected or not. Then have a once asked policy... if she then ignores, just wait till he comes home. If necessary if she is talking back to you at that age. Tape it..... It makes no difference what age the child is sometimes the Bio parent does not want to accept they can act up and be manipulative. My SD is 22 and she still tries it. But I am lucky that my SO and I have a strong relationship where trust is important. If he cannot, will not or refuses to see her behaviour, then you do have to either show him, or ignore it. But remember by ignoring it, it will not go away, just get worse.
Remember she is 10, and yes will act out and try to push boundaries, so you both need to be focused on the same page. Both need to sit down with her and come out with some rules and stick to them. Much as I believe that children are important and need to be taken care of, you and your BF have to come first to each other, otherwise you will not have a relationship in 10 years when she is 20 and hopefully not living with you! Why do you think so many couple divorce when their kids leave home. It is because the kids have the idea they come first, and the relationship second.... without a strong relationship, there cannot be a good base for brining up kids... be the safety net, take care of their needs, but also each other.
RUN!
RUN!