If I get corrected...one.more.time. I will BLOW!!!!!!

Forums:

I apologize for the rant, but I am so THANKFUL to have a place to vent. I have had no one that I thought would understand.

Our situation: I am 28, married to my 42 y/o husband (that's 14 years difference...) and I have two step-sons: ages 21 and 17. My husband is in the military and their BM left (abandoned is a better word) them when DH was overseas so I took the boys in. Older SS caused so many issues, was emotionally manipulative, and was eventually kicked out of our house about two years ago. Things have been much better since but he still causes emotional and financial stress at times. The younger one is 17, will be a senior in high school and is, compared to his brother, a wonderful kid. BM has two kids with her new husband, lives in a one bedroom apartment one mile from us, doesn't drive, lives on welfare and food stamps, and, needless to say, pays NO child support. SS lives with us full time which is a blessing because we can provide much better guidance than she can. This is not what bothers me and DH and I both have decent jobs and make a comfortable income (military and teacher).

What bothers me...is the absolute lack of appreciation that I receive from his sons. I know, how much appreciation do I expect to get from a teenager? BUT! If I have to hear it corrected one more time that I am a STEPmother - rude emphasis on STEP - I think I may blow up at someone. Their BM contributes NOTHING, provides NOTHING, couldn't and wouldn't drive two blocks (if she had her license) to pick them up when they're sick from school and yet, both boys made a huge point to do something for her on mother's day. GAH!!!! DH is not much better. Last mother's day, I made the comment as I saw some flowers "oh, maybe someone sent me flowers for mother's day!" to which he responded "Why would anyone send you flowers? You're not a mother." WRONG ANSWER!! He continues to think that because I did not give birth to a kid that I am not a mother.

DH is constantly gone with the military and last weekend was Jr./Sr. Prom. I ended up shuttling SS and his friends around all evening (which was fine)...but it just got awkward when we'd pick someone up and they'd say "Oh, so your ---'s mom!" and he'd jump in to say "NO. She's my STEP-mom" I just want to club the kid. How embarrassing. Then, on mother's day...the guy at the store wished me a happy mother's day and SS corrected "Oh, she's not my mom." and I just wanted to shout, "You're right, I'm not your mother. I'm just the woman who puts a roof over your head, food on your plate, allowance money in your hand, makes sure you get to and from school, buy your shampoo, face wash, shoes, clothes, prom, is teaching you how to drive, signs your school permission slips, fills out school forms, clears your absences when you're sick, takes you to your friend's houses, attends every single last choir concert and track meet, pays for field trips, and is the first person to say good morning to you and the last person to say goodnight, I love you to you....but you're right, I don't do ANYTHING remotely close to resembling your mother!!!!"

I may actually explode and DH won't be here to help. I feel so angry. Are other people treated this way? I mean, why is it that I can pour my resources and life into this kid and yet, his mother, who makes him feel guilty that she was so generous to spend her food stamps on hot chocolate for his Christmas gift...why do the clouds still part for HER? I have talked with my husband, we have come a long way with his Ex. Is it wrong for me to think of myself as a "real" parent? I know I didn't give birth...but I sure hold this house together when DH is gone. Sometimes I just want to throw up my hands and say "FINE. I GIVE UP. I'm NOT A REAL MOM. HAVE YOUR MOM sign this or buy you that" but then I feel like I'm punishing SS for having a lame mother...Ugh!! STEP KIDS ARE HARD!!!!!

Actually I would have let fly

Actually I would have let fly with the list.
Why not tell DH that the time is fast approaching where either you are appreciated for taking care of their mother's business or you and your money are no longer available to support HIS kids... seeing you aren't their mother and all.

Maybe because you are closer to their age than their mothers they ,may feel a little awkward? But being dissed continually is just rude. I hope he can make the Proactiv last a few months over summer because I would think he can see if Momma can use food stamps for it.

It's simple, because you did

It's simple, because you did not give birth to them. I'm sorry. I know it's hard. But bio-parents will always trump you. One day your skids just might grow up enough to realize all you have done and show appreciation. But BM will still be # 1. It is just the way it is. Disengage if you can. Stop killing yourself doing things for them unless you know upfront you will receive no appreciation. After years of falling over backwards for my husbands daughters I once remember after they were all grown up adults on the regular Sunday-night dinners I still worked so hard to prepare and serve up for them and their SO's, literally while I was bent over the oven checking on my husband's eldest daughter's favorite's appetizers after just stirring the sauce for ysd's favorite gravy his daughter had the audacity to say out loud for me to hear how her 'step-parents have never done anything for her' I wanted to pitch that tray of appetizers at her at that moment. It was the straw the broke the camel's back. I made her comment come true. I now do nothing for her. I have never felt better!

Ah, if you continue to do for

Ah, if you continue to do for them, it will only drive you more insane...but FYI, next time idiot kid says "no, she's my STEP-MOM", make sure you say "that's right, I am the step-mom, aren't I great driving him around...his mom couldn't do it"... }:)

You are absolutely a REAL

You are absolutely a REAL parent and in fact the only REAL mother that your SS's have ever had. No REAL parent abandon's their children for a life as a welfare breeder who does absolutely NOTHING for their children.

Being a REAL parent has absolutely nothing to do with biology. A REAL parent is an example, a mentor, an advocate, a confidante and a disciplinarian. Not just one of these things but all of them. The example part is where supporting your children comes in. Since BM chooses not to even support herself she can't possibly be a REAL parent.

All Sparents have to deal with some element of the REAL parent issue at one time or another. For me it was never my son (SS-20) that played that card. It was SpermGrandMa. SS would come home occassionally from visitation with the "Grandma says you are not my REAL dad you are only my STEPdad. What is a STEPdad?"...blah, blah, blah.

So I explained it to the kid. A biodad is the dad that made you with your mom. A StepDad is married to your mom. A REAL dad is the dad that goes to work every day to be able to provide you with a safe place to live, safe cars to ride in, good food to eat, a safe neighborhood to live in, good schools to go to, coaches your sports teams, goes to your band concerts, parent teacher conferences, awards ceremonies, teaches you to read, write, ride your bike, tie your shoes, use the toilet,wipe your butt and to swim, reads to you every night, tucks you in bed every night and most importantly loves you and your mom very much.

He was about 8 when SpermGrandMa loaded him up with this bit of toxic vitriol.

Once I explained it to him he replied that a STEPdad sounds like a real dad to him and asked if we could go outside and play.

About 5 years later when he was ~13yo he came home from a SpermLand visitation with another SpermGrandMa toxic gem. She told him that he could not call me Dad since he only had one dad and I was not his REAL dad. I gave him a choice. Call me Dad or call me Mr. (Lastname). That was the only choice he had.

He decided to stick with Dad since that is what I have always been.

Other's have recommended that you roll out the list of MOM duties you deliver when your SS gets stupid with his STEPmom comment. I agree wholeheartedly. Facts are not good or bad, they are just facts and he is well past old enough to know the facts about his blended family situation. I would suggest that you give him a tour of the Custody/Visitation/Support drawer in your file cabinet. We never lied to the kid about his creation, his family sitaution or the truth about his entire family. It was discussed in an age appropriate manner but never kept a secret. As he got older my son would do his own research when something the SpermClan said did not pass his smell test. In the last few years of the CO I saw him in the file cabinet on several occassions digging for the truth about the bullshit that his SpermIdiot would feed him.

Your SS's should be given the same clarity and access to the facts. IMHO of course.

And BTW.... DH needs to nail the worthless POS BM's ass to the CS wall hard. Her bad decisions should not prevent your SS's from equitable access to BM's resources and besides, as tax payers you and your DH should get some of yours back in the form of CS against the breeder BM's income stolen from you as taxpayers. There is nothing that generates clarity for everyone in the blended family sitatuion including the Skids quite like having the toxic blended family opposition revealed as the shallow and polluted end of the snarky Skid's gene pool.

BTW, my wife and I have nearly the same age difference as you and your DH. I am 12 years older. Another similarity is that Your Skid's BM and my SKid's SpermIdiot are opposite gender twins it sounds like. DickHead has 4 out-of-wedlock spawn by 3 different baby mamas. My SS is his oldest and our only.

We have been married quite a while though. 19 years next month. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo.

If your SS-17 is anything like mine he will come to the realization who his REAL mother is, what a REAL mother is and which side of the blended family is his REAL family. For my Skid this truth/fact was absolutely hammered home when the SpermIdiot and SpermGrandMa started hitting him up for money to help support the 3 younger SpermIdiot spawn shortly after my kid joined the USAF. Since he refused to fund the SpermIdiot's breeding program they have had little contact with him for more than 2 years. With the exception of Spawn#2 who hates her father to a highly developed level. She and my kid stay in touch.

Hang in there.

Sincerely,

What they are doing is

What they are doing is normal. If an aunt or grandmother were doing BM's job, they would make the same corrections it they were referred to as mom. "She's my grandmother/Aunt".

Considering the fact that you are only 11 years older than the 17 year old, it's possible he's getting teased. If his peers are referring to you as his mom, they be doing it just to get under his skin.

My DW had my SS when she was

My DW had my SS when she was 16. For many years she has been told that she does not look old enough to have an XXyo kid. When it first started happening she would answer with a smile and say "Well, really I am not". On one occassion an older lady responded to that answer "You could just say thankyou".

That made a major point with my wife and since then she answers "Thank you" with a smile. She will be 38 shortly and SS will be 21 a week or two before. They are often mistaken for brother and sister or for a cougar and her cub.

My mom and dad had me when she was 19 and he was 21. My mom and I often had people make the same assumptions with us when we were much younger. I guess it could still happen now that she is 68 and I am 49. Particularly since I have grown an nearly stark white goat.

When my SS and I are out in public we are often told that we look alike or that he looks like his dad. Since DickHead lives a couple of thousand miles away we both just chuckle and say "Yep, Thanks". He does look just like his SpermIdiot. It is our little inside joke. He may look like DickHead but he sounds like me, lives his life like me and has character and integrity like me. So, I am proud that he is like me. He seems to be too.

I do not comprehend why people get their panties in a wad over this topic. Just be polite, say thank you and move on.

The only correction I have ever made over this topic is when we have been at a Parent Teacher Conference or school event and someone refers to me as Mr.(DickHead's Last Name) or to my wife as Mrs. (DickHead's Last Name). It was a logical assumption since the kid talks frequently about his mom and dad and introduces my wife and I as his mom and dad. When either of us corrected this assumption we did it politely by just saying "It is Mr/Mrs Rags, or you can call us FirstName and FirstName" depending on who we were speaking with.

IMHO of course.

Mother's Day "Why would

Mother's Day
"Why would anyone send you flowers? You're not a mother." WRONG ANSWER!! He continues to think that because I did not give birth to a kid that I am not a mother."
OH HOLY CRAP AMEN. Not even a blip on DH's radar. Granted, we're a pretty new family unit, so I hope that given some time he will start recognizing that I count, too. I was the one to finally get SD to stick to potty training. That should count for something! Happy Belated Mother's Day to you! Step mom or not!