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Am I horrible?

Sully16's picture

I am new here but am so glad that I found a forum that allows us stepmoms/soon to be stepmoms a place to vent!

I have been dating my fiance for three and half years and we got engaged last summer. Our wedding is going to be next June. My fiance has a soon to be 8 year old daughter. We met online and he knew from the begining that I didn't want kids. I thought that I wouldn't really see his daughter (which I don't) because she lives in Colorado with her mother and we are in Wisconsin. He goes out to Colorado to visit on weekends and he gets her for 2 weeks in the summer and rotating holidays. So at most out of the year it is 5 weeks that I see her. But let me tell you, those 5 weeks are hell for me!!

His daughter is being raised by the mother who coddles the crap out of her. Whatever the child wants, she gets. She doesn't do basic things for herself, like comb her hair or turn on a fan when she is hot (literally she came into our room at 3:30 in the morning asking her dad to turn on her fan because she didn't know how). She also has a problem with pooping her pants and/or not wiping her butt properly so she always has poopy underwear. This gets ignored by the mother and tells her its ok and goes out and buys her new underwear. I'm trying to get my fiance to see that having her clean her own underwear may make her stop this behavior. She has been to a doctor and there is nothing wrong with her medically.

I dispise when she is here with us and I have a hard time holding back my distaste in her. She is sassy and whines and I have no problem snapping back at her. She eats horribly so I try to have only healthy stuff in the house when she is here. If she doesn't like the options we have, I tell her that she will just go hungry. My fiance doesn't like that but I'm just telling the truth. You are not having nacho cheese doritos as a snack when there are carrots, apples, etc.

I feel like a horrible person when she is here and yet I don't. It seems like I am not the only one that goes through this when their stepchild(ren) are at their house. I am very open with my fiance, probably too open. He tells me I am not a horrible person but that I do change when she is there and that I need to work on my delivery. Part of me wants to change that....part of me doesn't.

Anyone else have coping strategies or going through similar things? Just being able to type this all out has been such a help to me!!

BSgoinon's picture

Hard to argue her point though... maybe it's harsh, but its the truth. Not wanting kids is NOT WANTING kids, whether they are yours or your husbands. They will be around and there is nothing she can do about it... except to do them ALL a favor and not marry this man.

chokinonlemons2u's picture

Ladyface, your a good person and grew into the role of motherhood. But I see many SMs that w a chip on their shoulder and do NOTHING BUT break that skid down and destroy the parent/ child relationship.

Willow2010's picture

I think I heart you LadyFace. Smile

You certainly have the voice of reason. OP asked for strategies on how to cope and you gave them to her. Hopefully she will come back to read then even though she got so ripped apart.

But that's what we usually do to new posters here a Stalk it seems.

Shaman29's picture

I agree with Echo.

Not wanting kids was a personal choice for me. It's not that I dislike kids, I just didn't want to raise any of my own. And I haven't. However I started dating a man with a child and I had to make some decisions and adjustments to accommodate this relationship.

DH's kid is his and Uberskank's to raise.....right, wrong or indifferent. DH tried to thrust me into a motherhood role that I wanted nothing to do with, and subsequently had to disengage in order to save my marriage.

I don't particularly care for DH's daughter either, however it's HIS kid and there is no way in hell I'd ever discourage their relationship. I am polite, respectful and courteous when she's around. When DH and his kid were butting heads, I am the one that encouraged him to see past her crap.

If you cannot stand your fiance's daughter, then I suggest you end the relationship. She is his child and you cannot cut her out just because you don't like her.

Shaman29's picture

I am/was not in a similar situation as the OP. I did not have this website or the luxury of issues prior to marriage. There were no real issues (outside of her being 11 and DH believing his kid was perfect) with DH's kid until after we got married and he became the CP. Then all hell broke loose and I paid the price for my own naivete about the situation. Had DH's kid behaved that way before we were married, I would have BAILED.

The OP admitted to despising her stbSD. There are some parenting issues she's laying onto the BM and not her finance. He's not dealing with his child either. So guess who will be the bad guy in the end? The OP.

35 days out of the year, and she can't tolerate this kids presence now. It's only going to get worse because she will feel more and more trapped in the situation. One she has to live with, but cannot control or change.

That is why I advised not getting married if she feels that way.

roxyj's picture

Soooooo true LadyFace! That is where I am RIGHTTHISMINUTE! I am going to read your words every day to remind myself that I AM NOT THEIR MOTHER! I can only love them and care about them and make sure they are not in immediate danger and then I have to stop! Their parents are ok with their shitty behavior but I'm not so I am the only one who can change the situation by changing myself and just walking away mentally. The dinner issue is standard at my house- the BF cooks them separate meals every night so they can eat what they want. When they ask me to I have started telling them, You can eat what I have made or make yourself something else, but no I'm not a short order cook and this is not a restaurant. I am trying to learn daily that I can't change who they are, and that this point in their lives, they will only change their bad behaviors when they want to. But man, venting on this site really helps! Smile

Anon2009's picture

I agree with Echo. 100%.

But if you do stay with this guy for some reason, you'll have to make some big changes.

"She is sassy and whines and I have no problem snapping back at her."

That's a huge problem. You don't have to take it from her, but you don't have to snap back at her either. You can send her to another room/her room. You can take a deep breath in and say, "I don't speak to people who are mean. Please speak to me in a nice way."

If you feel there is some sort of neglect going on (i.e. her hair is never combed and the poopy underwear) you can and should notify CPS in BMs state. FDH should take pictures to send them.

It sounds as if BM is not a very attentive, loving parent. No wonder this kid acts out. She desperately wants attention.

chokinonlemons2u's picture

Anon , it will end up yet another situation where the kid has a mother AND stepmother that never wanted children...

And a father who.will likely walk away from being a parent too. Such a shame.

Poor lil PoopyPants doesn't stand a chance.


hismineandours's picture

My thought is that it is only 5 weeks out of the year. During those 5 weeks, I might arrange to take my own vacation, visit my family, and just be super busy in general. Other than that I would follow Lady Face's advice. Stop caring what kind of person she is or turns out to be.

chokinonlemons2u's picture

Echo, we see what happens when the dad gets custody.

They lose their shit and come here posting from the stretcher of their Waaaaaaaambulance

hismineandours's picture

Why worry about something that has a good chance of never happening? I try not to ever borrow trouble and worry about things that may or may not happen. You could drive yourself crazy with that.

If it does happen at some point, well, then you deal with it then. Life is constantly throwing curveballs-I'm not going to worry about what they might potentially be before they ever happen.

Do I think this poster can be happy with being a stepmom 35 days out of the year? Actually I do. She doesn't want kids-despite the fact that he has one-she still does not have kids. There is just one visiting her home 35 days out of the year. I've spent more time at jobs I've hated and dealt with it ok.

I would plan all my vaca's, weekends with the girls, movies alone, long drives, extra time at the gym when this girl visits. I would be pleasant and cordial when we are sharing the same space. I would also perhaps suggest to your future dh that he take some trips to visit extended family, days out at the amusement park, etc with his daughter during the 35 days he has her.

Also, as everyone is pointing out-things may change. yes, he may for some reason have full custody at one point-however, it is important to remember that things can change in the opposite direction as well. Perhaps she will grow and mature and turn out to be lovely and the op will actually enjoy her visits, perhaps her future dh will step up to the plate and parent her appropriately to where maybe she'd at least be tolerable, perhaps she will become a teen who will no longer want to visit 5 weeks every year.

I am married to a man who has a son I don't ever want to be around again in my entire life. I don't want my kids around. Now I certainly couldn't have anticipated things would have turned out this way when he was 1-but that's where we are at. Fortunately ss15 lives with my inlaws. I realize that things could change. They could call up one day and refuse to keep him any longer. Am I going to end my 13 year marriage, take my kids full time father away from them based on what may or may not ever happen. Personally? Hell, no. I like to think we'd figure it out somehow if it came to that. My skid has a mother, he has other relatives, there are boys home, boarding schools, foster care,and if worse came to worse dh and I living in separate residences the remaining few years until he is 18.

Sorry, I just hate the "run" advice we see on here so much. Good relationships, love is hard to find. I don't know that I would throw it all away because I find an 8 year old whiny and sassy 5 weeks out of the year. But that's a personal choice, op may feel differently, and she is really the only one that can decide.

TASHA1983's picture

I agree with hismineandours & LadyFace on this...

If the kids own parents won't & don't step up then I would just step back and wash my hands of it all. As the old saying can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
If I only had to deal with skid 35 some odd days a year then I too would keep myself busy and let HER FATHER deal with her, after all, skids don't come to our house to see and spend time with us, they are there for THEIR PARENTS!

And as I have mentioned before, if for some reason there ever was a chance of my dh getting FC of his kid, unless I could somehow find a way to stand being around him I would leave. Plain and simple.

realitycheckmom's picture

My uncle chose not to have kids and was perfectly happy (it was medical reasons though). He liked kids though and was great with all of his nieces and nephews. I suspect OP does not like kids and that is why she does not want them. That is ok but I agree with Echo, she does not belong with a man with a child. Yet another disaster waiting to happen. Pixelated, you don't want children and you don't want your partner to have them either. That is perfectly fine to feel that way. You are not a bad person or a monster. Trying to be with someone who has kids and not wanting their kids around for no other reason than they are kids is pretty cruel. Let that person be with someone who at least will give the kid a chance. It really sucks when you find someone and everything is perfect except one thing. Kids are a big thing. Maybe if you want to wait like some people here have done and maintain separate households until the kids are older that might work.

TASHA1983's picture

That was my issue...I found such an amazing man (dh) the hitch?....a douche bm and skid I can't stand. So it definitely sucks when you have found a great guy for once in your life and you want to be with them but the ONE thing you didnt ever want to have to deal with is the bm/skid situation... Sad

For me & my situation...I would do everything I could possibly STAND to do to cope with it and if I knew deep down I just couldnt I would leave or as you said one of us could move out and retain a seperate place until skid was out.

WTHDISUF's picture

I have an Adult kid. Do not want more (young enough to have more). DH knew it from start. He has no bio-kids but is Father to Ex-Wife's brat. I could live with that because he said he didn't want kids either. Unfortunately he held some facts back about how his situation was handled & changed up some stuff after he was securely married, which would've made all the difference in the world if I'd known in advance.

BUT with that said, as much as I'm annoyed by the little sh*t in my life and his BM and my DH for how he handles, I would be THRILLED if I only had to deal with him 35 days a Year!!

You DO know in advance of how it is for you when this kid to be around and considering it's this bad for you just 5 weeks a year, you actually may want to re-think this whole thing. It could get a lot worse than this if for some reason he had to get her more often than this. Either leave or adapt unfortunately are the only options.

Adapting doesn't mean you will ever adore the girl but no point in going down to the 7yr old level and snapping back, trying to force her to eat right for those few days per year. Let her have the junk--how does it hurt you? Let DH wash her drawers or throw them away too and let him buy new ones. Meanwhile put her ass in a plastic panties cover like a kid in training so she's not sitting all over things with dirty butt. (I had this issue with SS9 who is also too lazy to wipe his ass well and I refuse to do his laundry. I told DH maybe he should show him the nasty underwear and reiterate the importance of taking the time to wipe his tail. But DH thought that was harsh so I said ok, you can do his laundry and he sits on the floor. DH dealt with it by doing his laundry and buying him boxers & I don't allow him on the furniture undressed. :/) As for her whining and sassing, ignore the whining- no pay off equals no motivation for her to do it b/c it nets no results. If she continues anyway, DH needs to set a consequence. Likewise he needs to correct her for sassing. When you feel like snapping, walk away and let DH deal with it.

Pretty much if you stay, those are your only options -deal with it or leave it alone. You are not horrible for feeling the way you feel because kids aren't your thing and someone else's kids is hardly anyone's thing. But you can't stay and be miserable or mean to the kid unduly. Have to make a choice. Good luck!

TASHA1983's picture

"By the way, NO, you are not horrible! I think society, by and large, expect SM's to be saints or something. We are supposed to take care of other people's kids, love them, provide for them, and basically do everything a parent would do, but BY GOD, we are not their parents (thankfully). As much as I find my neighbor's kid annoying with her bad manners and picky eating habits, she goes home after a few hours. Our skids usually don't leave right away. And that's the problem. We have to live with these children who are not our own and it drives us bonkers because they have bad habits and cause upheaval in our home."

^^^EXACTLY^^^ Right on Mel!!! Smile

Shaman29's picture

OP - There is nothing you can do for this kid if her own parents aren't dealing with her issues. And if you "despise" her that much, it will create problems in your marriage.

I am a childless SM, but that only means I decided not to raise kids. You've made the same choice. If you're going to stay with your DF, then you need to lay down some boundaries and expectations now. Not after you're married but now.

I am going to caution you, your DF may not want to step up to the plate. If he doesn't, then you need to sit down and consider if this is the relationship for you. Marriage will not make it all better.

Honestly, you're one of the lucky ones who is seeing these issues before the "I Dos". Take advantage of your foresight. I would be single right now, had I been so fortunate.

lesangel's picture

Stupid people shouldn't reproduce. I love my SO but hes a stupid parent. He lets skid drink pop and eat chips. Hes not. Consistant with bed time. I offer my opinion, even if its rude. Let him take care of his daughter. You did not make her you did not birth her therefore shes not your responsability let him and bio mom deal with the results of their lousy parenting.