Stepson getting out of jail/rehab - how to I respect my boundaries?
My stepson, age 31, will be getting out of rehab in January after spending 9 months in jail for cooking and selling meth. He went straight from jail to rehab. Just before he went to jail, my stepson put my husband in some very unsafe situations where my husband was actually dealing with the drug dealers. My husband was actually having panic attacks and chest pain for 3 months before my stepson finally went to jail, which was a relief. I have learned from past experiences, we will get the phone call that he is out and doesn't have anyplace to go. My husband wanting to give him a second (or should I say 50th) chance, will want to let him stay a night or two with us until he can make arrangements to go to Salvation Army for more rehab or whatever. If he does come to my home, I feel that I have to remove alot of stuff to feel safe, such as my computer, important papers with social security numbers and credit card numbers, all my sentimental things (like jewelry and my daughter's cremains), money, prescription medications, etc... And of course, myself, I absolutely do not want to see him or talk to him and I don't want him left alone in my house for even a second. But, my problem is that my husband still has hope that maybe this time he has changed. My concern is that he absolutely has changed for the worst after being in jail. I didn't trust him before and I absolutely trust him even less now. My husband won't listen to what I have to say with an open mind and won't go to support groups or even mentally get prepared for that phone call we know is coming.
So, my question is -how do I respect myself and my boundaries but yet support my husband by staying in the home when my stepson comes home? I don't want to hurt my husband, but I feel that I am betraying myself by staying. I am far from being ready to give my stepson another chance and I'm sure that my husband will feel I am being overly dramatic and way too critical. :?
If you let him into your
If you let him into your house after he gets out he might not leave, I wouldn't do that. After prison, there's a lot of transitional housing out there. You DO know if he cooks meth in your house you'll have to vacate and pay for (very expensive) decontamination.
Yep, I'd draw the line in the
Yep, I'd draw the line in the sand with DH. He can go see him at the Salvation Army or wherever he lands, but because he's a felon, he is banned from your home. PERIOD! If DH balks at this, then I'd have the divorce papers on the dining room table by morn.
OMG! You guys are AWESOME! I
OMG! You guys are AWESOME! I wish I would have found this site years ago. I can't believe how fast the replies were and how supported I feel. You have really given me alot of ammunition and I love the comment about having the divorce papers on the table. I have some time to get myself, my thoughts and some business taken care of before that phone call comes. I also have some time to try and talk with my husband, but I really don't have alot of faith in that. Thank you so very much!!!!
Robyn27, you are a strong
Robyn27, you are a strong woman to have gone through so much and much condolences on your daughter's passing.
You really need to put your foot down with your husband. He is just enabling him and if he continues this pattern, you are MUCH better off without him!
Didn't even need to read it
Didn't even need to read it all. No, no, no, NO, do not let him move in.
I agree with the others. I
I agree with the others. I would never allow him into my home-oh, well perhaps after 10 years of sobriety he'd could come over for dinner-but at this point the ONLY clean time he has had has been while in jail or treatment. You do not know what he will do with his first taste of freedom. I would hope that the treatment facility would have already worked with your stepson on his living arrangments prior to releasing him. Having him come stay with you is only continuing to enable him-he needs to learn how to stand on his own feet and be a self sufficient adult. Your dh is placing you at risk by having him there AND he is doing his son no favors either.
There is no way that I would
:jawdrop: There is no way that I would let SS move back in. NO! You are not in the wrong with this, your DH is. How can he expect you to let SS live with you and also make EVERYONE in the family uncomfortable and put out b/c of SS. Not right, not fair, no way! Good luck!! It's got to be hard for you!
I just read your Bio...YOU
I just read your Bio...YOU HAVE DEALT WITH THIS FOR A LONG TIME!!! Sounds like it is time that your DH gave you and your family a break from dealing with SS. I am so sorry that you are still dealing with this!
Do not let him in and this is
Do not let him in and this is coming from a SM who has an addict for a SD. I am saying this out of all the help that I have received on this site, listen to your gut and listen to what people are saying and follow it. They know what they are talking about. This site has helped me tremendously. I am still going through a hard time but that's because my SD was like an actual real daughter to me until I lost her to drugs. Been in her life for 12 years and at age 15 she started them and by age 19 we (her father and I) are both disengaged from her...or at least trying to keep it that way. Once an addict, always an addict UNLESS they truly change but change has to be shown for a long time, not just one day of "oh I am off drugs and I have changed". You can not let that adult into your home. You have that right and if your DH doesn't understand maybe your DH needs to go and find a place with his son. You protect YOU. I am working real hard at protecting myself and my bio daughters and my DH. I have a DH though that has learned tough love. Feel free to read some of my stuff its in my bookmarks. Maybe you can share this stuff with your DH...My DH knows and is happy I am on this site and keeps it a secret for me, but that's my DH. I don't know how yours is except that he seems to not have realized yet that his son needs to show for a very long time that he has changed. My health got messed up too over my SD19. Don't let it mess with your health too...its not worth it.
By the way, I saw you mentioned your daughter's cremains...I am so sorry for your loss. I have 2 bio daughters myself and I cant imagine. Hugs.
"Daughter's cremains" so, so
"Daughter's cremains" so, so sorry. God bless you.
My SS is a recovering addict
My SS is a recovering addict (3 years clean). He was never in jail, but in leaving rehab, the counselors told him he MUST be responsible for himself if he is to succeed. Until he is successfully on his own, your DH will be HARMING his son if he provides a cushy place to live, meals, and money. By providing everything for SS, your DH leaves SS nothing to accomplish for himself. He NEEDS to succeed on his own if there is to be any hope of staying clean.
The rehab facility should be able to make connections for social services such as housing and job placement.
I have an elderly friend who
I have an elderly friend who years ago, let druggie step grandskid back into the house after a permanent ban for stealing. He was saying he was clean, SD his mom said he was clean, so after about a year of this they have him for dinner. $80 went missing from her billfold.
I have had similar
I have had similar challenges...Finally, after MANY failed attempts to heal him from his issues, in and out of jail, drugs, alcohol,,,I realized and let him know that I am not qualified to help him with those issues..and I will not set him up for failure again...I know what I need form him to fit into the culture in our home, and he cannot deliver it...I love him with all my heart, but his problems require the help of professionals, and himself owning the desire for recovery...No one wants to see him free more than me,,,,but I have learned the hard way, I am not qualified to provide what he needs at this point in time...It's HARD...but it is what's best for Him in the long run...(No more enabling)...
I would lock everything up.
I would lock everything up. Put keyed deadbolts on every door to rooms that have important items. The day SS is to arrive check yourself in to a hotel and inform DH that you will be home in two days and if SS is there you will call the police. Don't forget the web cams. Lots of them. Install them and have them recording all of the time. Tell DH that if SS takes anything that you will press charges immediately.
I understand DH's desire to be supportive of his son but his wife and marriage are the priority. Particularly when dealing with a 31yo crack cooking dealer, son or not.
Take care of yourself.
JMHO of course.