Step Son 18 years old hates me and I don't want him to go on our vacation
My stepson is 18 years old and getting ready to attend college out of state this fall. We just completed orientation and the weekend was complete misery for me. He totally resents my involvement but his Father depends heavily on me for the paperwork organization etc.
We have a vacation coming up in a few weeks and because of the 18 year olds attitude and inappropriate behavior to me, I don't want him to go. I paid for me and half of the 18 year olds trip. I am debating canceling my portion of the trip as I believe his Father would never allow me/us to hold the 18 year old accountable by not letting him come. My bottom line is, I won't enjoy the trip with him on it. He hates me, has done so for the last 10 years even though it is me that makes sure he has clothes, food, spending money etc.
Any advise? I love his Father but this is getting to the point where the 18 year old will ALWAYS come before me, and I know that I have some hard choices to make.
Why couldn't dad or ss have
Why couldn't dad or ss have done the paperwork? What's the situation with his mom?
Why did you pay for half of
Why did you pay for half of this kid's trip?
All good questions. I am an
All good questions. I am an idiot. I have always been nice and tried to be a good person.
My husband is an engineer and always looked to me to do any paperwork or scheduling keeping things on track, etc.
The 18 year olds Mom has never met me. When the SS was little, I tried to meet her on more than several occasions believing that I would want her to know the person who spends 50 percent of the time with her child. She would never meet me, make eye contact etc. She and my husband have not physically spoken for 10 years. SS loves his Mother and big surprise hates his SF.
I know when I tell my husband that I wont go on the trip if SS comes, he will say fine because he has never been able to say NO to his child. And I will have to follow through and not go but also face the fact that this will always continue. And here I thought the light was at the end of the tunnel since SS is going far away to school.
"I have tried to be a good
"I have tried to be a good step mother and wife. I have repeatedly helped when I could such as last week when I did paperwork for SS's school. I do all this to help you and because I honest care about SS's future. Its also why I paid half for our upcoming trip. But I gotta be honest. Its starting to feel like a thankless job because SS so often is short, rude and mean to me no matter my efforts.
I get he probably has internal issues about liking me seen as betrayel to his Mom but he's not eight anymore, he's becoming mature enough to separate the emotions from the reality and the fact he still continues to treat me this way is beginning to really hurt. Hurt to the point where I frankly don't want to interact with him because he will just treat me poorly. I don't tell you this because I don't want you to see his behavior as an attack on your parenting, or think I'm insulting your kid. On the contrary, I wish it could be fixed but I know it won't because frankly: who will address how he treats me?
I can't, his mom won't. And you have known about it for a while without doing anything so I am sure you won't.
I'm at the point where I don't want to go on the trip. I think you should go your way with him and know it will be the last time I spend any money on SS for recreation until he at least doesn't make me feel like I'm the plague."
Also, at Graduation, since SS
Also, at Graduation, since SS does and continues to do the week on week off, he was with his Mom on Graduation. When they passed within 2 feet of us and SS Grandparents on the way in, he totally ignored us. Grandma was not happy but all made excuses for SS behavior. I told him afterwards that he needed counseling.
18 and going on vaca with
18 and going on vaca with Daddy and SM?
Hell no!!
He is too old for that. Tell your H, thanks but no thanks.
You paid for half of SS's
You paid for half of SS's ticket? If you paid for it, you can cancel it - cancel SS's ticket (refund DH's half to him if you get any money back) and tell DH that you will not be taking anyone so rude and discourteous on vacation with you. Why on earth should you have to cancel YOUR ticket?!? You've done nothing wrong!
I agree with the comments
I agree with the comments above but except for the ticket refunds its all behind you now. However it turns out don't go. Just write off the money as a mistake if necessary.
Is this kid the only thing that's making you consider leaving your husband, he's otherwise a keeper? If so then it seems easy enough to stop spending money and disengage from the boy. The boy will carry a hate for steps his whole life and he is disturbed - the divorce deeply effected him. But there is nothing you can do having suggested counseling already its time to keep your mouth shut.
Below is a link to a article on disengaging. Fully implement it. If you self-analyze you'll find that except for how you're reacting to the boy there is nothing the boy is doing to harm you except his attitude. Once you are no longer speaking unless spoken to in a respectful manner, cooking, washing, chauffeuring for the boy he'll have no reason or opportunity to treat you either good or bad.
Sign up for about 2 months (no more) of counseling for yourself with the primary goal of getting out of your head that you as the nurturer of this family need to be engaged with this boy. If Mommy or Daddy can't do it then it doesn't get done. Believe me they will find a way if its important enough.
Sometimes, maybe rarely at this age, when fully implemented disengagement will leave children feeling powerless and realizing the positive aspects of a relationship with you may change their attitude. I'm not predicting this at his age. Anyway read this article and put it fully into effect. Remember, literally, unless he speaks to you in a respectful way he does not exist and you do absolutely nothing for him in the way of meal fixing, laundry, etc.:
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
don't go on the vacation --
don't go on the vacation -- not out of spite or pique, but just because you go on holiday to escape work, not do more. If they still go, then if DH discovers it's as fun being with SS as it would have been with you, then you and he will each have useful information as to the next step in managing your marital situation. Likely though, it won't be such fun for DH, and he may not wish to try it again.
Oh gosh,I know your
Oh gosh,I know your situation. I have never met my husband's ex either. It is so weird. We had nothing to do with the divorce, yet they cannot be adults and meet the person their own child resides with half of the time. Listen in some ways it is great because you don't deal with them, but I am sure this is in part the cause of her child's extreme hostilities.
Please, please do not throw more money at this child. It is neither your job or your duty to pay for him. If you want to help with paperwork and such with the rationale the it helps your husband that is more than enough.
My husband would skip off to the vacation too. I don't think we ever get to be be first unless the child has no desire or expectation at that moment. It saddens me, but there is nothing one can do about it. Hopefully, the times will be a bit better. My husband actually says "can't we just do what they want" meaning his kids. Believe me, when it comes to my kids he has no problem saying no or expecting them to do what he wants, but his kids have perpetual reign over all if he has his way.
I won't go on vacation with them. It would not be relaxing or fun, and who wants to waste time and money on something that is not happy. When he asks, I just say "honey that is not in my budget." I budget for two trips one with him and one with my child.
From my own similar experiences I agree with the others, skip the trip, and stop supporting this kid financially he has two crazy parents to dote on him and continue to ruin him through their anger and guilt. I do think it is okay though to do non monetary things that help your husband if you are inclined. I would add, keep your money separate. My husband makes bad financial decisions out of guilt all of the time, so he saves little if any. I work, and I save, and the money that is mine outside of my share of our living responsibilities goes into my accounts. I like knowing that I am planning for retirement, and will not need to live on cat food so his kids can have steak and lobster.
Best wishes, I am sorry for all the years you dealt with this, but know there are others out there who at least understand your pain! Hiugs!
There's nothing wrong with a
There's nothing wrong with a BM refusing to meet SM. (Many SMs have made the same choice).
Some mom's honestly believe their exhusband's are capable of ensuring that their children aren't spending time with a woman who intends to hurt/harm them.
I guess some are, but if my
I guess some are, but if my ex was married to someone, I would at least want to meet her, and say hello, just to get a sense... Not suggesting conversations or friendships, but who else in your kids life do you refuse to meet? It is just odd to me.
Other than the OP, I have never come across another person who has not at least met even momentarily the person their child spends much time with.
I meet her teachers, I meet her dance instructor, but I am not going to meet the woman she lives with half of her life, no....
Not reasonable to me. IMHO I also would not be comfortable sending a message to my child of I refuse to me meet the person that I expect her to live with....
Two sides to all stories, but I struggle with this.
I might struggle with that as
I might struggle with that as a BM, but hell no as a SM! I did meet our BM 15 years or so before i got together with DH, that's because I was an old college friend of his and met his then fiancee and later visited them when they had their first child. I stayed vaguely in touch, maybe meeting every couple years with the pair of them, but there was nothing between DH and me then although we had been college sweethearts. It was only much later after he had divorced that we even thought of getting together. Guess it was because I already knew how difficult she was that I kept well away after his divorce, and have done so ever since!
The marriage should be the
The marriage should be the unequivocal priority for both equity partners in life. It is the priority above any children regardless of biology. If one partner or the other does not prioritize the marriage then it is not a marriage that I would be a part of.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.